THAT GUY

1. Natural scrolling. I have no problem with this in theory. It works on the iPhone, why not on the Macbook? Here's why. When you scroll on an iPhone, you're touching the actual content/page you want to move up or down. Therefore, scrolling that way feels natural. On a laptop, the content/page you want to move up and down isn't at your fingertips. It's facing you in a direction that's 90 degrees off of where your fingers are facing, and it's on a screen that your fingers don't actually touch. Natural scrolling on a Macbook isn't natural if I can't get used to it after more than a week. People are gonna say you can change it back to normal. Well that's just dandy. I paid 30 bucks only to undo one of the biggest changes to the "technology world" that Apple has been orgasming about for months.

2. All advertised internet gesture features. Using two fingers to go back a page is cool and all, but not very useful. Especially if you can't use any of these features on a browser other than fucking Safari. Take a hint, Apple. Nobody uses Safari anymore. Google Chrome is faster. Firefox is more customizable. Why would anybody choose Safari? So now, I can't go back a page on the browser I usually always use, Chrome, unless I drag my cursor all the way to the top left of the page, and manually click the "back" or "forward" arrows. Thanks, I guess you have successfully forced me to use your free browser product, Apple. With that being said, let's review the actual feature on Safari. The only thing you've added to this is being able to "preview" the page you're going back to. Well, that's fucking useless. It makes the transition slower, and in some cases, when you click on a link to a PDF or something, the animation doesn't even work and I'm stuck on the page. In that case, once again, even on Safari, I have to manually click the back arrow. This never happened on Snow Leopard. Good addition. Not to mention that Apple changed the gesture from three fingers to two fingers, so it's hard to get used to as well. On top of that, they had to assign some other feature to swiping with three fingers - changing to another desktop screen. So now, 75% of the time when I want to go back or forward a page on Safari, I end up using the old gesture, which causes my entire desktop to move to the side. Annoying.

3. Launchpad. This idea is just fucking terrible in general. It's more convenient to just click the Application Folder on your dock and find an App than it is to click the Launchpad on your dock. Because Launchpad literally takes up your whole screen so you can't use it anymore until you quit out. Also, if you want to use "gestures" to get to Launchpad, you have to pinch in with your thumb and three fingers. This is one of the worst gestures ever and it's pretty much impossible to do comfortably, or naturally. Even if Launchpad was easy to activate, I still wouldn't use it. It's just useless. In Leopard, you could view all your Apps in one place in the Application folder too, why is Launchpad necessary at all? Not to mention that Launchpad is a pain in the ass if you do choose to use it. It's a hassle to rename folders and impossible to rename Apps. You also can't delete Apps from launchpad unless you bought them from the App store. And I don't know about everyone else, but for me, literally 1/50 or so Apps I have are actually purchased from the Mac App store.

4. The "brand new" Mac App Store. This was another one of those features the Apple crew was so fucking excited about. But for what? It's the exact same thing as what was on Snow Leopard. Nothing new here.

5. Mission Control. This can be useful, but it's not a very big improvement from Expose. You can drag windows from one desktop to another, but the order of the desktops is fucked up. It shows on top my desktops in this order: Desktop 1, 4, 2, 3. And I don't know why, but it's confusing, because if I drag something from Desktop 1 to Desktop 2, then I end up having to scroll over twice to get to it, not just once. I thought this would be temporary, or that it was because of something funky I did, but no. Apparently it's permanent.

6. Expose. There used to be a gesture where you could swipe with four fingers and make all the windows hide to show your desktop, in case you ever wanted to copy and paste something from your desktop, or if you wanted access to a folder on your desktop. They completely did away with this gesture. Now, you have to swipe to the side and go to your desktop on a brand new "desktop". This is the equivalent of having a bunch of windows open on Leopard, and wanting to get to your desktop. But imagine not being able to hide all windows with a swipe. Now you have to use Spaces to switch to Desktop 2, copy whatever screenshot/file you wanted to copy on your desktop, and then switch back to Desktop 1. Why, Apple? That was one of the features I used the most. Thanks a lot. By the way, this new Spaces equivalent sucks. There's a lag on it, which I'm not sure if it was employed on purpose to look cool, or it's just a designing flaw. None of your desktop icons appear until about 1 full second after you switch to that desktop.

7. Apps that were good before are now tweaked. And it's not in a good way either. For example, Preview. This used to be one of the most handy applications that came with the Mac on Leopard. It still is, but it's unreasonably worse. Now, Preview automatically opens every file you opened on it before, too. I'll explain. Say my friend sends me a screenshot. I open it, see it on Preview. Yay everybody's happy. I close it. An hour later, he sends me another screenshot. When I open it, I get two popups, which include BOTH screenshots. It goes on and on. If you don't remember to manually X out each Preview picture before command+Q'ing out of Preview, they will ALL pop back up the next time you open Preview. To make it worse, other Apps have this feature now too. In Word, I'll open up a document I want to work on, and I'll get like, 3 extra documents that I forgot to manually X out of before quitting. This is more annoying than I can explain.

8. Compatibility. On Leopard, I ran a virtual PC program that allowed me to run Windows 7 on a separate window on my Mac. Upgrade to Lion, and I lose that 80 dollar program because Lion doesn't support it. Thanks.

9. Versions. Another one of the super-stressed features that was supposed to change the fucking world or cure cancer or some shit. Good thing it ONLY WORKS ON IWORK APPLICATIONS. Good thing 97% of the computing world uses Microsoft Word, and not fucking Pages. Useless once more.

10. The new Dashboard. Instead of having a Dashboard that's translucent pop-up over your current screen, not completely blocking out everything, but still managing to be useful, you now have to scroll your desktop all the way left. So, this is okay and not too bad if I'm on desktop 1, but if I'm on desktop 3, I have to scroll like 4 times over. This is just inconvenient and annoying. It's not even better. You don't get more space to put stuff either. This is just stupid as well. A pointless add-on to look good in advertisements, once again.

11. New log-in screen. I'll admit that it looks cool. But it clearly uses up more graphics/power than the previous all black and simple log-in screen. And therefore, it just takes longer to pop up. I'm just being nit-picky now, but it's still fucking annoying and definitely not an improvement from Leopard.

12. No other improvements. The fact that I haven't been able to say something good about Lion speaks for itself. It wouldn't be so bad if I got to get Lion for free. Then these would be minor inconveniences. But no, I paid 30 bucks, and I expected at least 30 bucks worth of improvements or additional features. Nope. All of the "new" features are just the older Leopard features, except redesigned so they would be flashier but more inconvenient. Plus, I ended up losing more than I gained. Possibly the worst 30 dollar investment I have ever spent.

Ok so I saw this "discussion" on my newsfeed and I felt the need to let loose on them. This blog wasn't made to be personal, so I blocked out their names and faces, but for now let's just refer to them as Mr. Black and Mr. Blue. 

Let's start with the status itself. It's about Meek Millz. With a name like that, I have little hope. But from an objective viewpoint, I have vaguely heard of Mr. Millz as being some wackass typical black money-chain-gang-weed-bitches rapper signed to Rick Fat-Ass Ross, who also happens to have some kind of terrible speech impediment/lack of a razor. I'm not even gonna give this dude's music a chance, much less compare him to fucking Tupac. But that's not what was worst about this discussion. 

Mr. Blue: "Tupac aint back that song makes me wanna barf." Does that song want to make you barf? Really? You quote Lil Wayne's shittiest songs on a daily basis, and this shit is what makes you want to throw up? Please get your ears checked, or cut off. Even if the song was good, which it probably isn't, why would that make "Tupac back." The entire premise of the status was retarded. I'm sorry, and no disrespect, but Tupac is dead. Unless you can show me some solid proof that he isn't, or that dead people can somehow come back to life, I think it's agreed that Tupac "ain't" back.

Mr. Black: "True but its catchy." So you agree that the song you just compared to a reincarnation of Tupac "makes you wanna barf", but is "catchy." I'm fairly certain, Tupac wasn't renowned for making shitty yet catchy music, but ya know, I could be wrong. I don't appear to be as culturally knowledgable as my good friend Mr. Black here.

Mr. Blue: "fight me!!" Yeah that's right. When all else fails in an argument over a social networking website, resort to challenging your cyber-opponent with a fist-fight that you know very well will never happen. I applaud your tact.

Mr. Blue: "hahahah what the fuck is he gonna do? Moon me to death?" I really don't want to know what this is about, but my gut feeling is that you are all a pack of raging homosexuals.

Mr. Black: "lmfaooooo we will kill you." Good, good. A continuation of the fist-fight that will never come. Nice use of the "lmfaoooooo" with the girly stretched out O's. It really makes you seem more tough, Mr. Black.

There's always that kid who has no idea how to dress weather-appropriately. It's literally like eighteen degrees outside, why the fuck are you wearing shorts? Do you just not own any sweatpants or something? See, even though humans don't have fur like other mammals due to evolution and scientific shit, we did develop highly-functional brains and the ability to think. That's why we wear jackets and long pants in snowstorms - so we can protect our bodies from the fucking cold. Please tell me sir, at what point before you left your house did any part of your brain tell you that wearing shorts and a tee was a good idea, considering it's sub-freezing outside?

That rly anoying 1 who uses #s 4 words lyk 4 n 2   LOL =) lls

Many moments during the day, I'll quickly check my Facebook for no reason at all. While I'm on it doing my usual unproductive activities, I unfortunately have to brace myself for those slews of homos who write illegibly on purpose, making it impossible for the public to understand and care about their current condition. 

Whoever invented the language we speak and write today did not also invent the Arabic numeric system. So please stop using these: 12415, interchangeably with these: English words. Another annoying way for these suppressed queers to express their homosexuality is to abbreviate already short words into even shorter words. This morning I saw somebody use "Ure" instead of "Your". Sir, is it that much easier to type one less letter, but sacrifice your coherency by using a nonexistent word, than it is to correctly type out Y-O-U-R? I really doubt it. But in case you're like missing a hand or something fucked up like that, then I apologize beforehand. Pun intended.

That false advertiser

Take a look at the picture. Posts like those often come up in my Tumblr newsfeed. I don't want to sound like a douchebag, so hear me out. So the picture is of some dog that's just been mauled by a truck operated by two drunk drivers. The post is saying that we fellow tumblr-ers better "reblog" the post for the "sake of this poor dog!!" Here are some reasons why you're a false advertiser, and why you're an idiot.

I care about that dog too. But tell me, what the fuck is reposting that post on a small relatively unknown free online blog site going to do for it? Is my repost going to speed up the healing of its wounds? Biologically, I'm fairly certain that's impossible. So no.

The dog needs a new owner apparently, right? Again, pray tell me, what the fuck is me reposting going to do for this dog finding a new owner? Especially considering that I have about 5 total people who are gonna see this post at all, I think it's safe to say the chances of that dog getting adopted because of my repost are pretty slim. And even if I had a million followers who would see my repost, you don't even give an address or even a relative location of where this dog is situated. So now we got a million people worried about this mystery dog, in a mystery adoption home, in a mystery country. That's really gonna get this dog the care he needs. Not.

That guy whose proud to be a useless tool

You might be wondering what relevancy the picture has to what I’m going to say. In brief, that, my friends, would be an Olympic curler. If you’re proud enough to proceed to the professional field of curling, you sir, most likely suck asshole at every other aspect of life. See, sports generally have some sort of value attached to them. Let’s say you’re getting mugged. If you played football, you could wreck the mugger. If you’re a track and field guy, you could outrun him. If you play lacrosse, you could hit him with your weapon of lax. The list goes on. But dude, what the fuck are you supposed to do if you’re a professional curler? Wipe the floor he’s standing on so the chance he might slip and fall is raised by 10%? Fuck that, you might as well bend over and give a him dome while you’re cleaning his feet.

Now, I know what you’re saying. You don’t know any curlers, do you? Well, that’s okay, because this all has some relevancy among the useless people we’ve all come to know and hate. And if you do know any curlers, you should probably purchase a knife at your soonest convenience, stab yourself repeatedly until death, and then proceed to stab your curling friend. But anyways, enough about curling.

So there are these people that try to make the best of their condition: that of being good at zero things humanity has to offer. And I respect that. What I don’t respect, is when you carry it overboard. Let’s start with academics. Kids who audibly yell out their pitifully low single-digit score percentage when getting back grades, then proceed to laugh. Kids who purposefully give no effort on presentations even though they have nothing better to do, and try to seem funny by acting retarded. Nobody’s laughing. And if anybody is, chances are they’re laughing at you, not with you, asshole.

Next, sports. That kid who sits around and goofs off while his teammates work their asses off. When showtime comes and that kid underperforms, he laughs it off and credits it to “not giving a shit.” Well I’ll be fucked, you turd mountain, because I would bet you my left nut that even if you did give a shit, you would still play like shit. 

Humor. It’s hard to quantify whose “successful” or “good” at being humorous. And for that very reason, talentless people flock to this group and try to be the clowns of their atmosphere, just so they can say, “hey I may not be very good at anything, but at least I’m funny!” Don’t get me wrong. There are people that can pull this off. But then there are those who just fail so miserably, that it’s disgraceful to the human race. No, just because you are loud does not make you funny. It just makes you obnoxious for broadcasting the fact that you’re ugly and worthless. The only reason anybody’s laughing is because you look like a dude version of Helga from "Hey Arnold" with pimples.

Here are some final suggestions/steps I have created to help you people better yourselves. 

Step 1: Recognition

Realize that you fail to contribute to the society and people around you in any shape or form, due to your lack of substantive things to say or do.

Step 2: Formulate a plan based on your recognition of failure

Upon realizing your existence doesn’t mean anything to anybody, think about what implications that has. Some sample plans include:

- Moving to a desert, where contact with humans is minimal. 

- Stimulating the American economy one last time by purchasing a shovel, then proceeding to dig a hole in the ground to bury yourself.

That bitch who thinks she's popular

This is to that bitch in your life who thinks she's the shit. You know that saying, "Walk with your chin up, girl?" Well, that bitch who thinks she's popular literally walks with her head tilted at about a 90 degree angle to her neck. Then she waddles around pompously like she's some kind of queen. Either that or she's got a stick up her ass. Basically, I'm judging you already and you haven't even opened your mouth, woman. Not a good start.

Don't worry, it continues to go downhill from here. This bitch also will act like she is the shit. Conversation with another person is impossible with this girl around, because she will butt in like it's her mother fucking job. Got something important to say? Discussing the most recent NFL game? Conversing about the last high school lax game? Got three damn tests tomorrow that you won't have time to study for? Did your grandmother die? Well, either way you better hold your fucking tongue because this bitch just got her nails done.

Another thing. Generally these ferocious females have terribly annoying voices too. Sometimes the frequency of one of their shrill ass voices exceeds what my human ear can hear, but most of the time they emit noises similar to what Lee Redmond scratching a chalkboard would sound like. And you can bet that this makes it all the worse because that bitch who thinks she's popular just can't seem to keep her fucking mouth closed. "Attention whore" was literally a non-existent concept until this girl came into existence.

That idiot that can't drive

So this is kinda a one-time rant, based off of an incident that happened today after school. I was driving home from school, about an hour or so later than normal, since I was waiting for a friend of mine. It turned out to be a poor choice to take the highway, since it was clogged and jammed like there was no fucking tomorrow. But anyhow, I'm already about 3 meters or so deep into the ramp that's leading down into the highway, when I can already clearly see that I'm not getting home for another hour. Well, little did I know that was the least of my fucking problems, when this douchebag in front of me, decides that it would be proper for him to back up all the way OUT of the ramp back onto the local roads.

Now, apart from this being blatantly illegal, here are some of the additional problems I have with this idea. First, THERE ARE CARS BEHIND YOU. Not just me, but like, 4 or so other cars behind me too, all waiting to go on this highway. The ramp is by no means wide, so when a car a foot ahead of you decides to back out (keep in mind this is on a RAMP TO A HIGHWAY), he's got barely any leeway to maneuver his ass out of there.

The second, and bigger problem I have, is that this asswipe HIT ME. I see him starting to back off, of course, without giving any fucking indication that he was going to back off in the first place. So, instinctively, I beeped the shit out of him. He kept going, slowly, ever so slowly. So again. I honked his ass literally back to China. But no, this motherfucker can't seem to take a CLUE, and inevitably, the rear of his car bumps into the front of my car.

Okay folks, here's the thing. I got home, and there's pretty much no visible damage, so I shouldn't be complaining too much. But dude, what the fuck. Not only did he NOT stop to check if my car was alright, but he drove away, leaving me to drive home, constantly worrying whether or not I had a dent or some shit on my car. Let me tell you, that made for an unpleasant ride home. How am I supposed to enjoy my tunes when all I can think about is some jerk off being too idiotic to look behind him while making an illegal reversal on a fucking interstate?

That guy in a relationship

Don't judge me from the caption. I'm cool with relationships and dating and all that mushy gushy shit. But there are those people that just take it to new extremes, often inducing nausea in people within their vicinity. For instance, sweet, I really enjoy it when I log on to Facebook and my newsfeed is covered with back-and-forths between a guy and his lady friend. Really? No, really? I don't give a shit if "your my love bunny bear i love you <3 <3 <3". I don't give a shit if "XXX is the best girlliefriend i could ever ask for love you!!!" I don't give a shit if its your "9 month anniversary baby!" You know what? Some married people stick that shit out for over FIFTY YEARS. So shut the fuck up!

Another absolutely aggravating aspect of the high-school dating scenario is the backlash that comes with breakups. I mean, it's high school dating. It's most likely not gonna last for more than a few months. So when you see those "In a relationship with _____" statuses popping up on Facebook, you can pretty much forecast a violent break up in the near future. Now, what comes with these break ups is...get a shit-wad of this...even more back-and-forths!! Except this time, "bear bunny lover" is replaced with "you slutbag" and "I love you hunny bunches" is replaced with "fuk u i hate u ruin my life ugh i cut myself". Hey, I appreciate that you two are trying to simulate your miserable future relationship entanglements, but I'd kinda appreciate it if you would NOT publicize your problems to the entire world, including me, to see.

That kid in "The Band"

So there's always that group of kids in school who form the strangest, most pitiful cult "band" squad thing. And I'm not talking about anything akin to the Jackson fucking Five either. So here's my first problem with them. They advertise fucking everywhere. Neighborhood flyers, online, text messages, you name it. The other day I was invited on Facebook via "events" to attend a concert called DEATH, sponsored by none other than your local suicidal boy down the cul-de-sac. Here are some of my initial thoughts. What...the fuck? Now, I'm hesitant to approach a rag-tag bunch of Gothic kids if they're wielding pencils and poems. Replace those with loud ass guitars, amps, drums, and a microphone, and we've got a problem. Does it look like I'm the kind of guy that enjoys paying money to listen to "music" that sounds like a group of chain-smokers yelling over a beat produced by metal scraping against metal? Since you damn people apparently can't take a hint, the answer is, fuck no.

That lumberjack guy

Desperately in need of a shave, I call these untrimmed people "lumberjacks" because, well...they actually look like they cut down trees for a living. As someone who's pretty much completely incapable of growing facial hair, it might just be that I'm personally bitter, but from what I can tell, not just a few people are absolutely disgusted by these follicle-filled sketches.

The "bearded beast" syndrome most frequently results from high schoolers who feel the need to either prove their manhood by donning a gross and grimy beard, or high schoolers who really have nothing else going for them and need to be able to call something an "accomplishment." To all such gentlemen out there, I beg of you, just shave it off. I can assure you that nobody wants to get near that heinous straggly forest. To be harshly honest, people aren't going to even be willing to evaluate your manhood if all they're thinking about is what kind of nasty fungal civilization takes residence in your foot-long beard.

That kid that lies compulsively

Oh how many of these there are in the world, unfortunately. Generally I've got few problems with someone who makes something up once in a while, or just for laughs here and there. But what really separates the "compulsive liars" from the rest of the pack is that literally every single word that exits this fool's mouth is untrue. And what makes it worse is that it's so clearly untrue, that it's hard enough not to burst out laughing on the spot.

There's usually at least one compulsive liar for every social sphere. So there's one for school, one for parties, one for sports, and so on. Generally, it's that one kid that hangs out with you and your clique that nobody else actually likes. That kid that comes in everyday and talks about banging chicks at interstate parties. That kid who once claimed in Drivers Ed class that his first car was gonna be a Porsche. The kid that "would show you his dunk" if it weren't for the fact that he sprained his ankle. The list practically never ends.

What really makes these damn people annoying though, is the way they'll stick these lies in your face. You'd think they would learn their lesson, I mean I try my best to ignore referencing their lies just so I don't have to break their hearts by pointing out all of the blatant logical inconsistencies in their stories. I really do. But no, not only do these people persist in telling their terribly made-up stories, but they'll give you some of the worst advice. They'll say, "Dude, never ever watch a horror movie while you're high and having sex at the same time. It's a trip. Been there, done that." Yeah? Tell me more, cause I really care.

That A+ student that hates his life

Okay, so this one is addressed to that one kid in every category of your life that stands out, but purposely downplays him/herself in order to get attention. That kid in your sophomore art-class who repaints the Mona Lisa with Crayola while everyone else is sketching a tin box under a lamp. I mean, kudos to that kid, but no more kudos when the kid audibly complains how "terrible" he is at drawing just so literally 95% of the class goes over and says, "What the hell are you talking about, you're ridiculous at art." 

This also goes to that kid who gets straight A+'s in every class, but then goes up to you and complains about "oh this teacher gave me this grade, and that teacher gave me sooo much work tonight." Yeah? Well fuck you, you don't do anything but homework all day anyways.

That kid that's a self-proclaimed Taylor Gang

I respect Wiz Khalifa, not for his music, not for his weed-smoking addiction, but for his ability to somehow convert normal people into idiots who for some unbeknownst reason appear to believe that they are a member of the Crips.

No, just because you listen to Wiz does not mean you share his activities. No, just because you put up a "Taylor Gang Or Die" facebook banner on your profile page does not mean that you smoke weed all day and get a lot of money after your daily grind. No just because you bought the album Rolling Papers does not mean you are "rolling papers" and smoking blunts composed of Benjamin Franklins. So please, do us sane humans all a favor, and shut the fuck up!

That kid who likes shiny things on big wheels

If you're going to spend tubs of money on a car, then buy a classy car. If you're gonna spend tubs of moola on a sporty car, then buy a quality sports car. Don't spend a shitload of money on an ugly, extravagant, and tacky looking piece of ass that reaches a top-speed equivalent to that of the average Toyota Camry.

I'd like to analyze the below quote (my AP English teacher would be so proud).

The repetition of the word "stupid" probably implies that there are a lot of stupid people in the world. Well, there are. And they typically fall under some common categories.