Resentful Appendage

Bad news... even though I bought @tmbgareok Brooklyn tickets for the 28th and found a friend to go with me, they ended up backing out of the trip. I don't really think they ever intended on going with me, honestly. New York is't scary to me, but my friends and family think if I go alone... let's just say they think bad things will happen to me (don't want tumblr to decrease this post's visibility). I finally got to a point where I trust myself and I'm trying to stop looking for outside approval, but the outside disapproval won out. I said I'd go alone but they really wore me down and scared me.

Because of that I had to scrape and scrounge for someone else to go with. Normally, I go with my mom or dad but they're going on a trip and won't be back in time for the show. My sister's best friend from high school who is basically a second older sister to me agreed to go when my parents called her, but she can't go until the 29th!!! I feel kind of pathetic that my parents had to set up a playdate for me, but at least I get to go to the 2nd and 3rd show because of it. I am very lucky and privileged to go to any TMBG shows at all.

All of this to say, even though I planned on it and said I would, I can't go to the first Brooklyn show and I definitely can't go to their performance on the 27th at that book discussion or whatever it is. (Book looks good; I put it on hold at the library). It breaks my heart. I think I've been experiencing a new bought of depression because of it and some other social life related things. I guess, I was counting on the show to raise my spirits and now even though I'm going to the other shows, I can only focus on what I'm missing out on.

It doesn't help that last time TMBG was in Brooklyn, I bought tickets and couldn't go for basically the same reason (had planned to go with my significant other, but we broke up). My parent's couldn't take me and they were too afraid to let me go alone. At the time I could't afford the trip without their help so going was completely dependent on their approval. (Here's my post about last time this happened if you care to compare). Now, even though I can afford to pay for the whole trip myself, me going is still somehow completely dependent on their approval.

Recently, I've been fighting with my best friend. We haven't been talking much and I haven't seem them in weeks. We probably won’t even see each other again until June or maybe never. Maybe they’ll just let things fizzle out. But when I'm at a TMBG show... making friends is as simple as tapping someone on the shoulder. I went to the second Cleveland show alone and it was honestly the best TMBG show I've been to over all. I even got the drum plate.

After Chicago 3, I wen't out to get hotdogs with some other fans. That healed something inside me. Some long buried injury from when I was younger and it was impossible for me to connect with or even be on good terms with my community. My mom said that her being there made her feel like she was getting in my way and that she should't have come but was concerned for my safety. How can she not see she's always been in my way when it comes to connecting with other people because of her anxiety?

I know the way rock shows work is that the band shows up for you and you support them. But somehow, I feel like I'm shirking my responsibilities and letting down the band and all the friends I've met because of TMBG by not going. I felt the same way last time too. I guess I just don’t like making commitments and then not following through.

Any advice or kind words are more than welcome and very appreciated!! What do you think? Am I wasting my privilege (and money) by chickening out of this Brooklyn trip? Is NYC too dangerous a destination to travel to alone? Am I letting the band down by not going or is it some parasocial side effect?

Leaving Chicago has been much more depressing than leaving Detroit, but that’s only because I enjoyed being in Chicago and the Chicago @tmbgareok shows so much more than Detroit! You know, if you read my post about Detroit, that’s probably not so surprising in retrospect…

Speaking of Chicago’s TMBG shows, I will have a full review on them up within the next few days (hopefully) which will include all my thoughts on the three TMBG Chicago shows, tales of my adventures with other fans, questioning what it means to have a inhibitions at a concert and my feelings about parasociality from the prospective of both the performer and the fan.

Where do I even begin? I promised myself that I would be better recording my experiences at @tmbgareok shows, but I don’t know if I want to remember this last show. I guess I have forgotten some of the show because I was drinking more than I should have. I don’t remember a lot of the second set or anything after the show (though my my mother told me I was talking to lots of people so that’s worrying).

Anyway, my trip to Detroit was less than ideal to put it lightly. TMBG was amazing and the performance really has nothing to do with my unhappiness. It really was the venue and the people there and probably some other stuff too that I’m upset about. So I’m going to write a bit about it here because I told myself I would and I think it might help me feel better.

The venue kind of scammed me with the whole quick pass thing. Having the quick pass was the same having a regular ticket except I got a small red star stamp in addition to the regular stamp. That was the only difference. Didn’t help me get in early or before people without the quick pass or anything.

Additionally, my mom got into a fight with a stranger in the crowd. She didn’t start it but she definitely stuck to her guns. I ended up having to get between them and apologize to him even though I thought he was wrong. I guess after working in the library so long I’m used to de-escalating the situation when someone starts yelling at you and just apologizing and placating. I was worried he might hit her if I didn’t intervene because he shoved her quite aggressively.

I was so stressed and upset about the fight and worried about my mom who left after the argument. I didn’t know where she was or if she was going to leave the venue completely. Fellow TMBG fanatic, Amber, asked if I was okay and offered me a spot further up but I figured I might cry and didn’t want to be crying in the front row right in front of the band. My mom eventually came back though and then intermission came and I stupidly went to go get a 3rd and 4th drink.

Even though I don’t think I drank any more than I would if going out with friends, I ended up blacking out. I can’t remember a lot of the second half of the show and don’t remember them playing eyeball! So I listened to my audio recording of the show and I was SO OBNOXIOUS. My mom says it was normal crowd behavior but I still feel embarrassed about my behavior and hers. It’s not the type of thing I want my idols to be privy to

The other thing that sucks about not remembering is I apparently had a lot of positive experiences with other fans that I don’t remember. It made me think of a time I met someone who was blackout drunk and they said all this nice stuff to me and that we were destined to be good friends. The next day when I ran into them they didn’t remember meeting me at all and just walked away.

It makes me feel sad to think about it and I don’t want to accidentally do that to other people. I’d be horrified if someone came up to me at another show and knew my name and random stuff about me even though I didn’t remember them at all.

I really wanted to want to go to Detroit night 2 originally and I feel really guilty I didn’t. The plan was always not to go to night 2 but then my mom didn’t have to be at my sister’s to babysit like she had planned to. It’s not like the show was sold out or the hotel was booked up. I had been building up a pitch in my head for my mom to go to the second show spontaneously all week but when it was within reach I pulled back. Told her I wouldn’t want to go even if I had the tickets and hotel already booked and it’s true.

It makes me feel so ashamed to know my fear of some jackass also being at night 2 ruined what was supposed to be a bonus night my favorite thing in the world: TMBG. Yesterday night, I was in my happy place but miserable. I didn’t want that to happen again. I don’t want that to happen again.

I’m glad to see so many other people on @tmbgareok agree that Character Flaw is one of the best songs on the album. I’ve listened to it a lot and I would say it’s my favorite on The World is to Dig besides maybe Hit The Ground (which feels very angsty in a way I can relate to these days unfortunately.)

Speaking of @tmbgareok, I am making it a goal to get back to checking that blog every day as well as read other TMBG related posts. I kinda dropped off the internet (which I really only use for TMBG stuff and occasionally YouTube) after going to 8 TMBG shows in a row… still the best week of my life! I’m positive I will have just as good a time in Chicago and Brooklyn.

I have so many thoughts on the album and look forward to discussing it. If some of those thoughts get fleshed out through conversations, maybe I will post them here. Looking forward to talking with my coworker about the album who is also a TMBG mega fan. Though… she mentioned she hasn’t connected with their music since The Else whereas I am the opposite, preferring the post The Else albums the most.

Additionally I am going to post about my show experiences after every show I go see (hopefully) from now on. I try to do this in my journal but usually only end up taping in my ticket and wrist band and calling it a day. I want to remember these adventures more vividly. I want to connect with other fans and remember them fondly. I want to share my memories to anyone willing to read them as well.