Keep Your Dreams Alive

a lot of you need to be a lot more chill about cishet passing people and couples still being part of the queer community

You are not the queer police!

“We heard youse are behind on your payments to Fat Tony.”

I ALMOST SPIT MY ROOTBEER

“Think you’re all aesthetic, huh? A real instagram Wiseguy!  You want something to blog about? We’ll give ya something to blog about!”

It’s like that mafia crew that made a pizza joint as a front but their pizza was so good they just went legit

10 or 11 little ducks have been spotted crossing the dash board

MAN [IN THICK ACCENT]: Black cat bring good luck.  Not bad luck.  I have black cat - See, him face - And I am not dead today: Good luck!

Reblog him face for good luck in 2021

Reblog him face for good luck in 2021 (2)

Reblog him face for good luck in 2022

Reblog him face for good luck in 2023

… Clockodiles? Is that pun very bad?

CLOCKODILES.

somewhere captain hook is shitting himself

one of my favorite posts on tumblr over the course of 5 fucking years.. clearly i need a life

Meatloaf is a reliable cat and did not steal the money for selfish reasons. A rare friend.

I love Meatloaf. :)

Bless Meatloaf

Reblog Money Meatloaf to get surprise $40

Always reblog Meatloaf!

go meatloaf!

Oh. This fixed me.

I worked with toddlers and pre schoolers for three years. Sometimes I accidentally slip and tell a friend to say bye to an inanimate object (“say bye bus!”) & occasionally they unthinkingly just do it.

I’m glad there’s a teacher version of “accidentally called teacher ‘mom’”

when I worked at Medieval Times occasionally I would slip in real life and call people “my lord”

One time during family prayer, dad began: “our father who art in heaven, American Airlines, how can I help you?”

Yesterday I went to Wendy’s and the girl said “Welcome to McDonalds” and then just sighed

Somebody in the elevator asked me what floor I lived on, and I answered “please open your books to page eight”, and we just kind of stared at each other, blinking.

one time, since I used to work as a daycare teacher with preschoolers, i was on my college campus in my gym, and someone was running in the weight room and tripped over a machine and fell, and instead of offering to help, I just stared and said, “This is why we use our walking feet.” we both sat there for a while until the guy nodded and said, “yeah, okay, i should’ve done that.”

I work in an office and send tens of emails to customers every day. Once my mum asked me to send her a train ticket I had bought for her. I emailed her “Hello mum, as agreed, please find attached the ticked you requested. Thanks, Alex”

i worked as a camp counselor, and i would have the kids tap somewhere on my legs if they needed something because im a pretty tall dude. today asked my cat if he needed something.

I have woken up in a cold sweat saying “is that for here or to go?”

Every time a friend thanks me, and I respond with “gladly” or “my pleasure”, I die completely 1000% inside

I work at a plasma donation center. When processing donors, we call them by name, they walk up to the counter, and then we ask for their name and donor number. One time, instead of saying “Robert” I hollered “Name and donor number!?” into a full waiting room. Three people started announcing their names and donor numbers before we all realized that I fucked up.

In college, I was a barista at Borders (remember Borders, you guys?!) I once drove through Taco Bell on my way home after a shift. When the cashier said, “okay, that’ll be $5.46!” I cheerfully responded, “Do you have a Borders rewards card?”

I have dealt with so many difficult customers over the years that I used to angrily call my dog “Sir” when I was mad at him.

My first job was at my nearest Panera, and after coming home from a ten-hour Sunday morning shift, I was exhausted; but when my mom called me to come downstairs, instead of replying in the grumpy teenagerish tone I usually would, I said in my cheeriest, fakest voice, “Not a problem at all, let me just check with my manager!” before realizing my mistake.

my coworker went to back up the cash registers one time and she had been at customer service right before. when we finish with a customer we have to sometimes get the attention of the next person and will shout “i can get the next person in line!” but instead of saying that she yelled “HI WHAT CAN I HELP YOU WITH” to everyone in the general area

I have told my dog “no thank you” so many times after working at a preschool

a couple of times i’ve gotten stuck in a hello how are you good how are you good how are you loop with an equally tired Fred Meyer’s cashier after a long shift but the best time was after a 10 to 10 post-holidays after they told me my total, I asked if they would like a bag today and after a confused few seconds they were like, “no… I have the bags”

Worked in a gallery where we asked people to take off their backpacks in order not to accidentally damage paintings. So when I went to the shop later and saw a guy in the line in front of me, I told him he had to remove his backpack. He probably thought I was politely trying to rob him.

The other day they had me working with softserve and fried dough. I was burned out because I kept bouncing back and forth between the fryer and my register and these people had like, 8 things in their order. We get to the ice cream part of the order, and it comes in a bowl or cone. Instead of saying “Would you like the vanilla in a bowl or cone?” I said “Would you like the bowl in a vanilla or cone?” And we all stopped and had to think that through as my cart runner is staring me down like “tf are you doing?”

i work with dogs, and i have to be a bit strict with them sometimes in order to keep fights from breaking out. recently, while making tea, the kettle started boiling sooner than i wanted, so without thinking i turned around sharply, pointed my finger at it and stared it down, and said, “Bad boy! You need to wait!” needless to say i was very glad i was alone

I know I’ve reblogged this a billion times but I’ve worked retail for 8 years and these things are never not funny.

I work with horses and whenever someone’s driving too fast I’ll say stuff like “whoa” and I’ve tried to click to a car because that’s a cue for a horse to go faster.

@deadcatwithaflamethrower have some funny :)

The human brain on autopilot makes for some of the funniest shit ever.

THIS IS MY FAVORITE POST EVER

Whenever I’m at a doctor’s office, store, restaurant, etc. I have to fight the urge to dash up to the phone and go “_____ Veterinary Hospital, my name is ____, how may I help you today?” and whenever I call my pharmacy, I have to remember to hit the refill button instead of the “prescriber” button.

working with preteens that get incredibly loud and interrupt a lot means im used to like, short nd sharp yells cause it gets their attention w/o overcomplicating. doesn’t land as well in a room full of discussing adults, apparently, who simply looked at me until i remembered that ah, i am a student in a seminar, not a youth leader

Have you considered being born into wealth? You should try it some time. It’s not hard. I was born into wealth all by myself!

I once visited a coworkers house and a cleaning service van pulled into her neighbors driveway. She said ‘They’re using THAT maid service now? How cliche! What service do you use?’ I felt like I’d somehow been transported to another dimension.

One time I was working at a thrift store as a cashier and talking with this dude about how expensive living and school were, and he looked at me and was like “Just go over to Europe, school is free there. Have your accountant write it off as a business expense so you won’t have to pay taxes on it” and I was just so fucking baffled I couldn’t speak

the skiing is by far the least batshit thing on this thread

Rich people are so wildly out of touch with how working class people live their lives.

I think one of the most damaging ideologies towards children is the conviction that having children isn’t a calling but a moral obligation.

Not to be a crazy radical or anything, but children deserve to be deeply wanted by their parents.

[Image caption: tags reading “#reblog #i also don’t think it’s enough to want a child. i think you need to want a teenager and an adult too #my mom wanted a baby. when i was too old to pronounce spaghetti wrong and let her put me in church dresses she was done with me #my dad wanted a person. he wanted a baby a child a tween a teen and an adult #my dad wanted to watch a person happen. which was different”. End caption.]

Very good points! And just so we’re clear: Even if you don’t believe children can tell if they are unwanted, they certainly can when they are constantly beeing told they are. And there are plenty of parents who have no problem being unbelievably explicit about not wanting them towards their children.

I love seeing like… animals that are vicious predators being huge babies. That is my favorite genre of animal photo

Inside every animal is the capacity To Be Bæbey