IM GONNA MAKE IT THROUGH THIS YEAR IF IT KILLS ME

just received the best text message I’ve ever had. from my mom

i wish my cat could have a few beers with me

Gang of whimsypunks saw me dumpster diving in the alley behind the marble store. Cornered me. The lankiest one started coming at me with a paintbrush. Couldn't have been older than 30. Just a kid. Watched the light leave their smiley contact lenses after unleashing my sub-2-second Bill drill. If they got within 7 yards and thought to sprint, I'd be done for. Perfect El Presidente on the ones that were running. Couldn't let them report back to the rest of the "polycute." I know how they operate. You get marked as a "grumpy gus" and one night you wake up with hundreds of burning sparklers in the shape of a butterfly on your lawn. Not me. Not again. What is the world coming to? Oh god. Oh, god.

In hindsight, it was my fault for assuming that my recollection of bad* [tumblr]* posts was in any way typical.