Nevertheless

ED

SH

SA

When nightfall comes I spend my time praying for a miracle.

Trapped..

in the spiderweb

of your insincerity and lies.

I can hear the other insects telling me to run

but my feet are glued to the ground

waiting for you to demolish me

if only you’d love me

I keep typing “su*c*de” into my search engine…

I look at what comes up, like I have 1,000,000 times before and I wail in disappointment at the lack of knowing what to do.

“Text 988”

I think about it.

But what would I say?

“Hey I am going to end my life tonight.”

no… they might send someone to my house.

“I need help. I keep cutting myself.”

no…they might send someone to my house.

“I can’t breathe, my thoughts are drowning me and I’m in the bathtub thinking about how I could kill myself right now.”

no…they might send someone to my house.

Not that they shouldn’t.

Yet not that they should.

They tell you to text or call if you want to die.

I want to die but I’m too afraid to text or call in fear that I’d be wasting their time.

Something I was taught strictly not to waste growing up.

Something I seem to waste without trying

along with other things such as space and air.

I want to die.

But I’m too afraid to text.

I’m too afraid to call.

So I only search up “su*c*de” on my search engine

and

and part of me feels like

it wasn’t a dream

I’m tripping and falling all over the place

I stumble over my feet and my words alike

I wish I knew where to

I was walking…

But I can’t when

I cant find the balance between good

And bad.

And

I cant find the balance between healthy

And sick.

And

I cant find the balance between Love

And hate.

And

I cant even find the balance between living

And dying.

And

Everyone but me seems to know how to find it

But when you cant find the balance between

swimming and sinking

Living or dying

Loving or hating

Healthy or sick

Good and bad

And everything in between

You only start to sink.

You stay sick.

You stay dying.

You stay hateful.

You stay…

Bad.

Something I never wanted to be

But something I am without trying.

I’m out of balance.

Somebody hold me

“I’m sad again

don’t tell my boyfriend.”

Replaced him with new

I still feel dead.

I cant sleep because of everything going on in my mind.

He’s ruptured my heart again.

A pain that lasts within me.

Never quite allowing me to escape from the initial sting of it all.

Love.

When I was a child

I heard Love was…

Beautiful.

Powerful.

Selfless.

But I’ve found it to be…

Self Destructive.

Agonizing.

And Cruel.

Love is for fools.

And without my permission,

I’m lying to him again.

I cant tell him I’m hurting myself again.

He’d be so angry with me.

He tells me he cares and loves me.

My brain talks over his words.

“He only wants your body. He couldn’t care less about you.”

“He’s going to leave as soon as someone prettier comes along.”

“Who’s he texting? Probably some other girl way sexier than you.

You poor little sl*t. You still aren’t good enough.”

“If he loved you, he would ask you how your day was, but he never does.”

“If he loved you he wouldn’t let you suffer like you are.”

“How’s it feel to be utterly worthless? Honestly. What’s it like? You would know.

Wouldn’t you.”

I look into the mirror and i drop to the floor in agony. Is my brain right? He tells me it’s lying but I can’t help but wonder which reality is real.

Yet I’m so afraid my brain is right I’ll continue to let him use my body how ever he wants just because I think he would leave if I didn’t, regardless of what he says.

I just need some help. It’ll all be okay.

But my brain continues on…

“Nobody can help you. You are going to have to suffer forever.”

“There’s only one way out.”

“One way out.”

“Do it.”

“Do it!”

“Or every breath you take will be a tragedy for all eternity.”

STOP.

I scream at the top of my lungs in my room to nobody but myself.

I hold my legs and cry into my hair as I always do and pray that tomorrow will be different, regardless of the fact that I’ve dealt with this every day for years.

I start to wonder.

How long will this go on for?

Will I make it through?

Do I even want to?

I’ve been lying to him again.

Somebody make it

The constant fight between reality and not reality is everlasting. And I still have nobody to tell me what reality even is.

And not just a I feel sad and I didn’t eat today lol hee hee tired.

I’m…

I haven’t eaten in a week, I can’t see my future, every day is a month, and I scream at walls cause no one will listen kind of tired.