we dont talk abt the way that constantly being distrusted and talked over as a disabled kid makes it impossible to understand ur own feelings as a disabled adult
i learned very quickly that if i said "im tired all the time and cant find the motivation to do schoolwork" theyd say "no ur just lazy, stop making excuses" and if i said "my ritalin makes me feel uncomfortable and itchy all day" theyd say "stop being difficult and just take the pills" and theyre the adults and im just a lying lazy kid so what they say goes
so since correctly identifying and expressing my feelings was punished i focused instead on making excuses that adults would accept. "i cant bear to spend another day doing busywork in that awful windowless building where all the students and faculty hate me" turned into "i just threw up". until i learned to skip the step where i ask myself why i feel so awful, bc that information sure isnt going to help me
eventually all i was left with was the internalized voice of my teachers and parents insisting that no matter how miserable and exhausted i am i just need to stop faking it and try harder. and its taking a long long time to unlearn that and figure out how im supposed to know how i feel
As a disabled kid, I noticed and came to loathe the cultural belief that kids are "lazy" and "trying to get out of things" in general. Treating kids with suspicion and distrust only makes them less trustworthy.
The week I decided to really pay to attention to if I do or dont stim, I had my moms voice in my head *constantly* telling me to sit still and stop fidgeting. It was quite eye opening - I didnt stim because I had been taught not to, but when opening myself up to the idea I moved to stim all the time.
I also remember being told about the boy who cried wolf, so I would understand that my adults didnt know when there really was a wolf and when there wasnt. Id like to know why they couldnt imagine there was a wolf every time.
They meant well. Wanted the best for me. Didnt believe me. I also learned to ignore what I felt and what I wanted until I just got too sick to ignore it anymore, and ..........its a long process relearning. I wonder how much illness and disability mightve been avoided, mightbve been less severe if adults believed me. There were also a few times I saw drs and they gave an answer that covered the symptoms but nothing about the underlying conditions. Cant dwell on it too much bc whats done is done. Can only keep trying to move forward. At least that much is possible.
























