NecHocNecIllud

Pepper woke up immediately as soon as she heard the tube open.

As if Joanne couldn't get any shittier, she misgendered and insulted a woman who called for support, all because the woman had PCOS/PMOS and "didn't sound feminine enough."

Fuck her.

I ask because I saw a video of a classicist arguing the Aenid should be done by Muppets. Then I remembered “Muppets’ Christmas Carol” is the adaptation of Dickens that is closest to the original text (because they have Gonzo as Dickens himself quote from the actual text) and I realized this is how we could finally get a movie version with Quincy Morris!

Dracula played by [Human Actor, I was thinking Willem DaFoe before I remembered he did Count Orlock already. Suggestions welcome.]

Kermit as Jonathan Harker

Miss Piggy as Mina Murray (now before you say the personalities don’t match: Miss Piggy is an actress; she is even less like her Christmas Carol character. Second, it explains why Dracula is scared of her.)

Gonzo as Bram Stoker

Dr Bunsen Honeydew as Steward

Beaker as Renfeld

Sam Eagle as Quincy Morris (because he’s American?)

Thinking about Arthur caused me to lose steam here. And Lucy! I was thinking maybe Swedish Chef for Van Helsing since he talks nonsense?

Submission message for Diana and Steve: no message

Submission message for Leia and Han: no message

Submission message for Robin Hood and Maid Marian: Okay yeah I know they're foxes but hear me out

Submission message for George and Ursula: Their wedding scene where George smiles at her!! yeah <33

Submission message for Elizabeth and Darcy: Elizabeth and Darcy are one of those couples where you love each of them, almost as much as you love them together. I loved them at 15, and I love them every time I watch the miniseries.

Submission message for Jade and Beck: no message

ROUND 2 — Match 104 of 138

Harley Quinn (Batman: The Enemy Within)

Problematic because: "She’s the one with the power in the Harley/Joker dynamic, and that makes her really interesting and also very much worse in some ways. She’s a former psychiatrist who recruits her former patient John Doe into the Pact, knowing he’s unstable and useful for chaos, then keeps him emotionally hooked on her while brushing him off, using him, and getting possessive when Bruce starts influencing him. She’s also a Pact leader/member trying to get Project LOTUS, a biological weapon that was originally meant to heal people but mostly killed test subjects, because she believes it can cure the hereditary condition she’s terrified of developing. Sympathetic motive, still bioweapon crime. She attacks the City Brokerage and kills staff/security while stealing millions in diamonds, threatens Bruce, makes him steal the Phalanx Key from Wayne Enterprises, can threaten Tiffany Fox, orders either Catwoman or Bruce toward execution if she thinks they’re the mole, betrays the Pact at the SANCTUS lab to escape with LOTUS, and later rigs Gotham Bridge with bombs and hostages. In the villain-Joker path, she and John go even further with LOTUS at Wayne Enterprises, taking the board hostage, releasing the virus, and killing Regina Zellerbach. She has a tragic reason for wanting the cure, but she's also extremely willing to turn everyone around her into leverage, bait, or collateral." Propaganda: 1. "Telltale Harley is one of my favourite Harley versions because she isn’t just doing the same old “Joker’s abused sidekick” story again. Here, she’s the dangerous one from the start. She’s the person John is obsessed with, the one controlling the temperature of the room, the one everyone in the Pact has to take seriously even when Bane clearly hates it. The role reversal is genuinely fun. I also like that her motive isn’t just random villain chaos. She’s scared. Her father’s illness hangs over her, Riddler uses LOTUS to pull her in, and suddenly this woman who used to be a doctor is chasing a miracle cure through crime, manipulation, and violence. That’s a good setup! She’s selfish and ruthless, but the fear behind it makes her feel more human than if she were just swinging a hammer for aesthetics. I don’t think she’s innocent, but I do think she’s a sharper character than people sometimes give her credit for." 2. "shes so good because she walks in and immediately makes it clear this is HER version of the dynamic. john is the one trailing after her, desperate for approval, trying to impress her, and she knows exactly how much power she has over him. it’s uncomfortable, it’s mean, and it’s way more interesting than just replaying the usual joker/harley setup again. also she’s just genuinely competent? like yes, she’s messy and violent and absolutely should not have access to any medical project ever, but she takes over the pact’s energy so fast. she steals, threatens, improvises, manipulates, and keeps pushing toward LOTUS because in her head this is survival. i love a harley who is funny and stylish but also clearly dangerous enough that the room changes when she gets serious."

vs. Bela Dimitrescu (Resident Evil 8)

Problematic because: "She’s part of the Castle Dimitrescu household, the place where women from the village/servants get taken in, drained, killed, experimented on, or turned into part of Alcina’s whole blood-wine operation. Bela herself was created through the Cadou experiments that turned three young women into fly-based vampiric mutants, and by the time Ethan gets to the castle, she’s fully participating in the family murder business. She and her sisters help string Ethan up to drain his blood, stalk him through the castle, and generally act like hunting terrified people in the halls is normal family bonding time. She is also the “responsible” one, which somehow makes it worse, because this is the responsible sister in a house where the baseline is cannibal vampire aristocracy." Propaganda: 1. "She’s calmer than Cassandra and Daniela, she seems more composed, and she’s treated as the one with the clearest head on her shoulders, which gives her a slightly different flavour. I also think she’s interesting because the Dimitrescu daughters are both victims and monsters. Bela was made into what she is through experimentation, she didn’t just wake up one day and choose to be a swarm of flesh-eating flies in a hood. But she’s also not some helpless innocent by the time we meet her. She’s completely part of the castle’s violence, and she enjoys the hunt as much as her sisters do. That balance is why I like her - tragic origin, awful present-day behaviour, great boss-intro energy." 2. "bela is my favourite dimitrescu daughter because she feels like the one trying to keep the family business professional, which is hilarious because the family business is murder castle. she’s not as feral as cassandra or as weirdly giggly as daniela, but that doesn’t make her harmless. she’s still chasing ethan around, still drinking blood, still living in a castle where the maids have the worst job security imaginable. i just love that her whole vibe is “eldest daughter who has to be sensible” while being made of bugs and trying to kill you in a dungeon." 3. "if I got turned into a swarm of corpse-eating flies and adopted into a gothic murder family, I too might develop some workplace issues. she’s pretty, scary, doomed, and gets one of the more memorable early fights."

ROUND 2 — Match 105 of 138

Heather Duke (Heathers)

Problematic because: " She uses the media attention around Chandler’s supposed suicide to boost herself, takes the red scrunchie as the new symbol of power, and slides into the leader role without learning a single good lesson from being bullied herself. She’s also the one JD pressures into getting students to sign his “petition,” which she thinks is for random school requests but is actually meant to be used as a mass suicide note. She doesn’t know the real purpose, so that part isn’t fully on her, but she’s still happily using popularity and social pressure to collect signatures without caring what people are actually signing. Her cruelty toward Martha and Heather McNamara is the clearer personal stuff - Martha attempts suicide after being humiliated and isolated, and Duke treats it like gossip. McNamara opens up about her depression on the radio, and Duke spreads it around so people can mock her. She knows what it’s like to be underneath someone cruel, and the second she gets power, she happily continues the cycle instead of breaking it." Propaganda: 1. "Chandler humiliates her, controls her, talks over her, and keeps her in this constant second-place position where she’s part of the popular clique but never fully safe inside it. Then Chandler dies, and Duke doesn’t become kinder from knowing how that felt, she becomes hungry. That’s the part I like. She isn’t the original queen bee, she’s the understudy who takes over and proves she learned every wrong lesson. Her cruelty is ugly because it’s so obviously borrowed, rehearsed, and then personalised. She knows exactly how humiliation works because she’s been on the receiving end of it, and then she turns around and uses that same weapon on Martha, McNamara, Veronica, whoever is below her that day. She’s not as murderous as JD and not as mythic as Chandler, but she’s a very believable kind of awful - someone who gets a taste of status and decides empathy is less useful than power." 2. "Most people will never meet a JD. Plenty of people have met a Heather Duke." 3. "Because we, the audience, get to watch her descent in real time. At the beginning of the show, SHE was being bullied, and the audience was rooting for her. But then, when she finally gets some of that power for herself, she uses it to hurt other people. It's so heartbreaking!"

vs. Sarah Harper (Obsession)

Problematic because: "She’s one of Bear and Nikki’s friends/coworkers, she has feelings for Bear, and after Bear’s wish makes Nikki become dangerously obsessed with him, Sarah gets jealous of how close they suddenly are. Later, she meets Bear privately in her car, says he deserves someone more “chill,” pretty clearly offers herself as that person, and expects him to kiss her even though he and Nikki are together at that point." Propaganda: 1. "She’s messy, not evil. She’s flirting with her friend’s boyfriend and trying to slide into the relationship while things are obviously weird and tense, but the film also makes her sympathetic - she’s struggling with college rejection, she’s insecure, she’s interested in Bear in a normal human way, and she has no idea the situation is supernatural or that Nikki’s behaviour is being warped by the wish. She’s a bad friend for making that move, but she absolutely did not deserve what happened to her." 2. "She’s not the villain of Obsession, she’s just insecure and lonely and clearly tired of feeling like her life is going nowhere. She’s trying to get out and build something, and she dies right before learning that she actually got accepted. That’s horribleeeee. Also I do enjoy that she’s not written as a perfect sweet victim. She’s jealous. She makes a move on Bear. She is absolutely being a bad friend to Nikki in that car. But it feels believable, not cartoonish. She’s just a girl making one selfish, impulsive choice at the exact worst possible time, in a movie where the consequences are completely insane."