need to bring back the distinction between minimalist/genderless androgyny/gender neutrality vs maximalist/genderful androgyny, because i am very tired of people talking about androgyny being encouraged or valued when it is very clear they mean the kind of androgyny that relies on the minimization of gendered traits (allowing one to be associated with pre-pubsecence, female virginity, angels, the kind of androgyny that has been, to varying degrees throughout time and place, ideologically permitted in the christian world) and is also profoundly white and thin. when androgyny is undeniably adult and is defined by not a lack of gendered traits and a quiet excusal from gender, but rather actively possessing "opposing" gendered traits, it tends to be treated differently.
yes* the image most people have in their heads of a nonbinary person is someone white, thin, lacking breasts, lacking a visible penis, lacking facial hair, lacking makeup, lacking lacking lacking. but why is it that when people critique this image, they never critique the idea that this is how we are defining androgyny? people loving talking about how this image is neutral-masculine as proof it favors transmasculine/FTX people, but there are plenty of transfeminine/MTX people who also go for this neutral-androgynous look.
meanwhile, many nb/gq/gnc people of all assigned sexes and genders are hairy, fat, have breasts (or give themselves breasts), have penises (or give themselves penises), dresses using both feminine and masculine clothing, etc. hell, just look at how stigmatized the androgyny of intersex people with PMOS & other kinds of hyperandrogenism are. the image of a fat hairy person with large breasts and a deep voice is repulsive in patriarchal culture; this is androgyny, too. to act like "androgyny" is one simple thing is to erase how misandrogyny actually functions.
*& to be clear, such people also face violence and oppression due to their gender nonconformity & androgyny, even while being a more palatable kind of androgyny in certain contexts
It became apparent that my brand of gender-nonconformity was somehow more attractive to men than Alok and Jacob’s, and as the night wore on, I found myself sincerely befuddled. The looks I gave in my pictures were just as funky as theirs, with my partly-shaved head and my geometric bodysuit plus oversize platform heels, or a close-up of me sans makeup that showed off my strong brow and flat chin in all their androgynous glory. I wondered aloud why Alok and Jacob weren’t getting matches, if there was some algorithmic mystery at play—whether guys were racist against Indians, in Alok’s case, or if they found Jacob’s bright makeup too intimidating. “Meredith,” Alok finally blurted out, interrupting me in a tone replete with tolerance. “You look cis.” With those words, Alok exposed the key difference between me and them. Though I’ve come into my own gender-nonbinary identity, to many, my body reads as cisgender because I’m short and don’t have body hair. I’ve also taken hormones and had reassignment surgery, because I went through a period when I thought I was a binary trans woman, before figuring out I wasn’t comfortable with that identity either. What I didn’t quite grasp until Alok pointed it out was that now, regardless of how GNC I tried to present, cis people still predominantly read me as a cis woman. If I told a stranger I was trans, it’s likely they might think I’m an early-transitioning trans guy more than anything else. So on Tinder, I can still get dates, since there are plenty of guys who like the androgynous female look. On the other hand, Alok and Jacob’s features haven’t been softened by hormones, and they have visible body hair that marks them as more obviously trans, so they have a much harder time. Nonbinary femmes like them are too masc for the straights, too femme for the gays, and too out for nearly everyone else.
from "Why Can’t My Famous Gender Nonconforming Friends Get Laid?" by Meredith Talusan (she/they)
for reference, here's photos of Meredith, Jacob, and Alok:
I would argue what is depicted here as "femme" androgyny is (one example of) what I would describe as maximalist/genderful androgyny; it is read as "femme" as opposed to "masc" because minimalist/genderless androgyny focuses on minimizing gendered characteristics to be neutral (non-masculine non-feminine), and neutrality in patriarchal society is read as diet-masculine by default — and perhaps cis by default, because both of those things are more comfortable for people in a patriarchal society to assume of a person who minimizes intensely gendered traits.
But the treatment Alok and Jacob experience, in my opinion, while shaped by femmephobia, is not reducible to femmephobia alone. It is the combination of explicitly masculine traits (like body and facial hair) and feminine traits (makeup, feminine clothing), their failure to pursue and perform a non-masculine femininity, that leads them to be seen as undesirable. This is misandrogyny.
Although, I should also note that "guys who like the androgynous female look" are, not always, but not infrequently chasers, and they do not always treat people they see as "androgynous females" with genuine respect even if they sexually desire them. See, for example, Lou Sullivan's experience being fetishized and manipulated by his chauvinist cis boyfriend, who desired him as an "androgynous female" and so pressured him to not transition and tried to convince him that his desire to be a gay man was unhealthy and unattainable & as mentioned in the og post, being seen as more palatable in certain context does not mean that androgyny like Meredith's is not punished, even violently, in many others. The point being, this kind of androgyny is not straightforwardly "privileged" and this article is more focused on hoping that Meredith's friends can find genuine love and good sex, rather than interrogating how different forms of androgyny are perceived and treated under patriarchy.
As someone whose goal is neither androgyny, this tracks with my general experience of existing in this way and looking at stuff in fiction. I've even felt an entirely personal grief at the fact I don't see a way to express the way I'm non-binary that is more overtly queer and disdainful of the system. It just happens to be that the way I want to look is inside the acceptable gender/sex presentation window where I live. Which is nice for living my day to day life, but not so much in contexts where I want to be actively and visibly queer.
