i feel genuinely just immediately viscerally disgusted when people around me are like... gossiping about one another, acting pettily cheap, and being bullying others. nothing feeds my superiority even more than seeing other people act like dumb asses, that they'd reduce themselves to such an obvious display of trashiness, i will NEVER engage in this nonsense just to fit in. as much of a sucker for validation i am, id never ever participate in it. it makes me even more disturbed that people only have the audacity to act like this just because theyve got friends and support around, how clearly this kinda behavior is enabled by social structures they pretend not to see, people rarely act that way in isolation. i KNOW what it feels like to be so isolated and misunderstood thats why im reacting strongly to it, i cant ignore it just because "it isnt happening to me so who cares". i dont mean to frame everyone in such hostile terms of course (just in a hateful mood right now) but every single time i go outside, it makes me get reminded even more of the fact that people are fucking SHEEP, most of them are selfish, no matter how much people preach about morality theyre self serving twats at the end. so different from the morality they claim to uphold and the behaviour they actually indulge in. social hierarchy dictates their interactions, who's worth respecting, who's safe to demean, who can be used to reinforce their status. such fake, social hierarchy climbing folks, sucking up to those that obviously dont care for them, showing aggression to those they dont understand, being ignorant towards stuff that actually matters because theyre cheap and weak fucking cowards, proudly admitting to being a shitty person just to then immediately collapsing into defensiveness or victimhood when theyre treated the same way, being nasty just because they can get away with it, saying nice things about people even while trying to hide jealousy ALL THE WHILE preaching about being a good person and righteousness because its the "correct" way live, straight up lying to look better... these people operate on social constructs, no one's even going to care about you unless youve got people around
but you know what, yeah me too, im not immune to that impulse, if people want to pretend to be morally superior, be supportive to those with power and privilege rather than those who are real, then ill use it to my benefits too. the only reason i dont get flat out bulled is because ive got superficial things they dont have LOL i know my environment feels this way because the people i'm surrounding with are young and stuff, but jesus fucking christ have most of the people in my life been acting like sheep. and teaching ME to act that way as well. all this stuff can be turned to me just as much. i'm hypocritical. the system rewards conformity to it, so people just adapt to insincerity because it's the easiest way to survive and it becomes "just how people are". (even if its completely lazy, and i dislike that) positioning myself as someone who sees through it doesnt work though, social constructs dont disappear just because youve recognised it as artificial though, it just changes how you navigate through it, but at least im not disguising myself as being neutral or pretending my perspective exists outside of these systems specifically. even as i critique it, i can still benefit from it in selective ways i guess. being aware doesnt make me respect it either, if anything it amplifies my disgust for how performative everything is. my perspective is filled with contempt and the grudges ive been holding. i cant believe these are the people im supposed to be empathetic towards, people that so proudly flaunt their trashiness.. but hey that empathy is also performative for me.
