Hey mutual, I was wondering if having a built in hierarchy system is inevitable while being a narcissist and how to exactly *stop* thinking of people in a hierarchy? Any advice or explanations are appreciated
Hello mutual, apologies for the late response. I've been very busy and wanted to give you a proper answer instead of something rushed.
Inevitable? Not in an absolute "all narcissists forever" way; it differs person to person, and it overlaps with how a lot of people (neurotypical or not) navigate social systems. Hierarchies are baked into society: jobs, schools, even informal friend groups. Neurotypicals do it too, often subconsciously. For NPD specifically, yes, ranking people (superior/inferior, useful/irrelevant) is a common cognitive pattern. It often stems from deep insecurity, unstable self-worth, and learned ways to feel safe or in control. In vulnerable/covert presentations like mine, it can feel more like hyper-awareness of where you sit (or fear you sit) on the ladder, which then gets projected outward.
For me personally, I still have a hierarchy system in my head. It's automatic: scanning for status, competence, threat, usefulness. In the past, someone "below" me would basically be invisible or worthless. I now consciously try not to treat people according to that internal slot. I learned kindness as a skill from working environments: even if it grates or feels performative at first, it benefits me (being seen as a "good worker/colleague") and reduces unnecessary conflict/drama. Treating people decently became a deliberate override.
How to actually stop (or reduce) thinking in hierarchies? It's not a full erase; more like turning down the volume and adding new habits. From my experience and what I've read:
- Catch it in the moment: Notice the automatic judgment ("this person is lesser/better"). Label it neutrally: "Hierarchy brain activating." Don't shame yourself for the thought; that's fuel for a narc crash. Just flag it.
- Humanize instead of rank: Force a quick shift; ask "What might this person be dealing with?" or focus on shared humanity. In vulnerable NPD, this counters the envy/shame loop. It doesn't have to be emotional empathy; analytical/cognitive works too.
- Behavioral override > internal fix: Act "as if" the hierarchy doesn't dictate treatment. Kindness, basic respect, listening; these are skills. Over time, repeated action can weaken the automatic ranking (like how therapy or self-work rewires patterns). In workplaces, this is gold for reputation and stability.
- Address the root insecurity: A lot of the ranking comes from unstable self-esteem. Building self-worth that's not purely comparative helps. For me, validation, precision self-management, and understanding my full system (NPD + SzPD traits + etc.) have been key. Hierarchies lose some power when your sense of self isn't constantly on the line.
It's ongoing work. I still slip, especially under stress, but the conscious effort makes a real difference in how I move through the world and how people experience me. No one's "cured," but you can get better at not letting it run the show.
If this resonates or you want to talk more about specific situations, I'm happy to. And check my masterlist if you're curious about how this plays out in vulnerable NPD; there's a post on switching personas based on perceived hierarchy that ties in directly.
