/derogatory

so strange when people assume 'waking up early' means increased productivity bc no??? im awake so i can read fanfic in bed before breakdown breakfast

8 hours of decent sleep will have you thinking things like 'i am a beautiful horse and i will never die'

2 hours of bad sleep will have you thinking things like 'i am a stranded whale and i need to be covered in dynamite in an ill-advised attempt to clear the beach'

american blackbirds are icterids but european blackbirds are thrushes but american robins are thrushes but european robins are flycatchers and they are named robin because (checks notes) brits in the 1400s called them "robert" on account of they are just some familiar guy who shows up in your yard. hold on post canceled is that really why they are called that? what the fuck. they did this with jackdaws and magpies too? i can't even be annoyed. how human. "who's that? that's bob." fuck dude it sure is.

if you have to rely on specific scripts or turns of phrase to socialise that's totally fine, but you must NOT reveal them to your friends while slightly drunk. it's like showing how the magic trick works, you can't do it in front of them afterwards

i like dogs a lot but i can never remember the differences between breeds (apart from the few types i've actually owned/interacted with). but i know people looove their dogs and love talking about their dogs, so whenever im talking to a dog owner i'll ask what breed it is, and no matter what breed they say i'll say "oh! i've heard they have a really nice nature :D" and they always go YESSS THEY'RE GREAT and start gushing about their dog and we have a nice conversation and i build social credit with this person. anyway i told my friends about this script a few weeks ago when slightly drunk and now every time we're in public together and a dog goes past they turn to me and ask "does that one have a nice nature?" im in a hell of my own making

crazy how there are only 2 hours of doing things every day before you keel over and die. if this werent normal id be worried

"!!" is its own word to me

What are your pronouns and would you like to join my union

what will it be, boss? the comfort of misery or the pain of change?

if I were an English teacher I would print this out and put it onto the wall next to a "reading is poggers" poster

my corner store guy is a 50 year old man who's my best friend in the world and recently he was like "you're too pretty to be single I have some nephews you should meet. very handsome!" and I was like "a niece might be more up my alley" and he just got more excited and said "ah even better! I was overselling my nephews but my nieces are very beautiful"

i'm rereading the murderbot diaries and murderbot's utter conviction that it and gurathin are bitter enemies is still so funny. buddy. gurathin got over this months ago. he's just a quiet guy.

one-sided antagonism is so delicious.  murderbot diaries i also very much enjoy how surreal it must be for gurathin /   to know that the heavily armed rogue secunit holds a grudge against him /  and also know that all it will ever choose to do about this is make frowny faces and flip him the bird. / (tags via space-mouse)

*dirty talking* you’ve been a very bad boy and im just going to straight up kill you now

[clearly experiencing symptoms of mania] oh i get it! im finally normal!