✨SS Smokeshow✨

NO PITY, please. I need to get my thoughts out unbiasedly, somewhere before I go crazy. For the curious and intrigued, It might be insightful as to the type of person I am. (I see some of you in my DM’s) A lover, a fixer and a dreamer with a bit of wild side 🤫 ! I just want to let others know they aren’t alone when it comes to healing in silence and without closure. I’ve seen some posts from some of you lately that are very relatable. With that being said, this has been one of the hardest times in my life. I’ve never done emotional healing this way, or to strangers. I’ve posted things on here that resonate with me but not much of my own material. Be nice. Long read but stay with me and thank you for taking the time to read…

The defensiveness, reactions and avoidance when all I wanted to be pulled in closer and feel loved. I tried to understand what had changed. Understand what happened, because it wasn’t always this way. You couldn’t even talk to me anymore. So ya, I did ask the questions because I wasn’t afraid to be transparent with you. I was loyal and honest and I loved only you, hard, for almost 6 years! I thought you were all of those things too, but it became a fight every single time I needed to communicate and you’d just retreat. It was never easy for you to answer the questions that I had without getting defensive. I wouldn’t have had those questions if you would have kept me close. How could I not think there was someone else? Even if something you did, did hurt me, I gave you the opportunity to disclose it and for us to work through it. I’d rather know than find out later. Or maybe it was that life just got the better of you, I would have understood that too. Just talk to me. A message, a phone call, in person, lunch. Transparency and communication have always been of importance to me, from the very beginning! However, being defensive led to trust issues on my side and even more questions. You’d classify my inquiries as drama that you never had time for. The difficult conversations were never had, just swept under the carpet, like nothing happened, each time. Resentment built on both our ends. I was never blaming you, I was helping you to be more aware of what was happening and making us drift farther apart. Never an attack either. I wanted your love. My feelings were never validated though, just ignored with promises of working through them and of changes being made, eventually. That never happened either, adding to more lack of trust. (I’m a huge believer in, if you say you’re going to do something, just do it. “Treat people how you want to be treated”, “Say what you mean and mean what you say”, “Don’t waste peoples time”, “always show respect to others”, “Leave people better than you found them” (unless they push you away) and “A closed mouth never gets fed”. Old soul vibes I guess💁🏻‍♀️) Your feelings were always suppressed, even though I was always open to listening to them and voicing that. It wasn’t my fault that you couldn’t communicate back. I needed your reassurance, safety, consistency and time, you couldn’t give to me. I asked for the bare minimum but it became less and less. I felt rejected, like I wasn’t ever good enough for you, too much, or a just huge problem or burden in general. I wanted to work through our issues and have healthy communication with you but you didn’t. You’d ghost me for days and say you weren’t good at addressing conflict when you did decide to come back. Not even caring about the mental warfare that I was going through. I constantly and consistently loved you through it all, I supported you and everything you did and were, I put your feelings and emotions first and foremost because it wasn’t convenient for me to have any. The problem then became the way I reacted to how you were treating me. You didn’t want to deal with any of it. Ego allowed for zero accountability and the inability to even apologize for things said or done. I forgave you for how you treated me and I became the one who apologized constantly for being too emotional, overreacting and wanting to be considered. I just wanted to smooth over the conflict and feel connected again. I put up with it over and over just to be hurt, left abandoned and confused as to why this kept happening after you swore you wouldn’t do it again.🫩

I gave you the tools and expressed my needs effectively, on a platter. I was never going to just walk away if there was accountability, apologies with changed behavior and respect given.

You told me that you stopped messaging me because I was “one less thing to worry about” (ouch) and then our last conversation, you just hung up on me (double ouch). I didn’t feel respected or heard. I felt shit on when all I did was try. I knew right then, I didn’t matter. You didn’t care how any of that affected me. I only wanted to feel loved, cared for, valued, understood, protected, safe to express myself, and like I actually meant something to the one person I fought so hard to keep, who couldn’t even see my worth. 🥺

Anyway, sorry for the rant, it’s been months and I’m still struggling to get past the heartbreak and understand how I wasn’t good enough and the hardest part is I still love him…Here’s what I’ve learned. 💔👇🏽

Love doesn’t leave people confused and wondering where they stand in someone’s life or where they sit at on their priority list. If you really do care make the time and put in the work and effort, even on the hardest days. Say you’re sorry and mean it. Fuck the ego! Who cares?! Be authentic, genuine, vulnerable, that shits sexy. The world needs more of that sensitivity and love and less judgement. Pay attention to the little things because they matter too (favorite color, food, number, birthdays, anniversaries, favorite sexual position😜😈, how they like their eggs) Send the fucking message that you’re thinking of them. Life is too short for uncertainty and lack of clarity! If you truly love someone don’t let them go or let too much time pass just because you are scared to have hard conversations. Is it worth it? If the love is mutual they will stay, understand your point of view, listen, make the necessary changes and you will grow closer after the storm has passed. I always say, “it’s only a conversation”. If two people are both civil, and honest with the hurt, they lead with love, are open minded enough to listen with intention and to grow together and without judgment, then anything is possible. Repair has to come with care that’s stripped down to the root of the pain. It’s uncomfortable.