I've been emotionally out of whack since I came back home from NC. I was struggling to get out of my bed, no desire to cook and I ate one meal a day until yesterday. Depression will have you skipping showers, avoiding calls and feeling guilt about being depressed; maybe even depressed talking about your depression out loud to others. I've been seeing butterflies and moths either at home or the strangest places every single day since the Finger Lakes 50K. At one point of the race, I had a few land on me. Every day since then, a few make their presence in my bedroom, even at the airport in the bathroom and it made me think of my father. And loss. And these miscarriages. And the stress of not wanting to overthink about how many people are watching progressions and setbacks. Today, I acknowledged once again that I'm human. That I tend to get in this rut every year this time for the last four years like clockwork. I see moths and butterflies every time I get to a low point, even in the winter. Call me crazy but in ways I find it comforting. In my heart, I think it's my dad. When I was running with my husband, a huge butterfly with two smaller ones fluttered over my head, again trying to land on my arm. I slowed down to the swelling of my ankles, took a breath and thought to myself that these butterflies are just visitors or maybe reminders that I'm not on this journey alone. And for some reason, that gave me peace yesterday on the Rockland Trails. Photo: @esnelldesign #runningfatchef #fatrunner #runner #roadrunner #trailrunner #itgetsbetter #hellobeautiful #blackgirlsrun #skirtsports #REALwomenmove #swiftwick #chaseadventure #timetofly #mycurvescan #athleisure #athlete #plussizeathlete #endurance #athlete #ultramarathontraining #marathontraining #ultrarunner #ocrtraining #spartan (at Rockland Lake State Park)
