#narcisst

Me: yes I have covert NPD that was created as a response to childhood trauma.

Ableist: then go to therapy

Me: it was medical trauma that caused me to devolpes NPD form the mental health industry.

Ableist: your just anti recovery.

Me: if by anti recovery you mean me being anti therapies that are designed to make me convenient for people with neuronormative privilege then yes, I am anti recovery.

Ableist: you don't have a right to hurt people.

Me: Do you have the same energy for Neurotypicals who hurt neurodivergents?

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im reading the percy jackson and the olympians rn for the first time in several years. I prefer to read the heroes of olympus series (what can I say? I love leo <3). but with the disney+ percy Jackson series being greenlit, I figured it would be a good time to revisit all the percy jackson books, in chronological order.

like I said, I haven't read the first series in a while and I honestly didn't have high hopes. I know that younger me loved the original series but I was worried that current me would would not. I was no longer the target demographic for this novel anymore and I was worried I would think it was childish and goofy.

funny enough, it is childish and goofy and yet it endears me. honestly, it reminds me of how im feeling when im watching avatar the last airbender. yes, the characters are young but that only adds to show how dangerous the stakes are in their world. and the humor maybe a little juvenile but it still gives me a smile.

I will say this, the actual writing style in the lightening thief is more simplistic than the books I usually read. but that doesn't mean the writing style is bad, it's just more straightforward and requires less inferences from the reader. but I expected this because again, I am not the intended audience. even so, the simple writing style makes for a quick read. I am not finished with the lightening thief yet but I will definitely make a post about it when im done. even if this is only for me, im really interested to see how my perspective of the characters has changed since first reading the series (im already loving annabeth way more than I remember. even at twelve, she is so cheeky and its adorable).

(35min read) Disclaimer: I am not trying to be a victim. I am grieving. I am grieving what I thought WAS (but it WAS NOT) and that saddens me. I am hurt AND I am resentful that I have experienced narcissistic behavior in the form of people that I allowed close to me in my life for long periods of time. What I am about to say about ONE of them is my attempt to begin moving out of the grief through ACCEPTANCE. I deserve to stop replaying this connection:friendship in my mind because it keeps me bound to the past, not mindful of the present, and therefore separate from the future--a future I know holds what I’ve always deserved and that is to be treated BY ANYONE with respect, reciprocity, and love. I will write here anytime I need to release bad feelings about this trauma bond during my healing process.

TRUTH: My “best friend” is a narcissist and after all these years, I can now see that. I release that connection. I release the QUANTITY of years being more important than the QUALITY of a connection. I wish her well.

In the title and in the TRUTH are the only times I will use “BFF” or the word “best”. From here on out, I will say “friend” and I even use that term loosely because each day, I feel more and more like we never had a friendship. We had a trauma bond. We became friends at 13, the FIRST year of being a teenager. At such a young age, who the hell knows what a narcissist is? I for damn sure didn’t. But I can say it started that far back because of what I now see and my use of hindsight to go, “Yup, I felt SOMETHING but I didn’t know what it was so I dismissed it or made an excuse for it (so that my feelings wouldn’t hurt and so that I wouldn’t look poorly upon my “friend”).” NOW, I realize moments all those years that I made an observation but didn’t really know WHY they stuck out to me was because it was highly likely a moment I was on the receiving end of her narcissistic behavior and didn’t even know it. Again, I was 13. Everyone was coming into themselves and how that looked, none of us knew. I didn’t know a damn thing about a red flag. I wasn’t physically harmed, nobody stole money from me, no one broke anything I treasured. These actions involved emotions, something I really knew NOTHING about at that age.

I’d been in a trauma bond with her for 35 years. That’s embarrassing to say but in my defense, it was 35 years where 18 were long distance “friendship” so we weren’t in one another’s company--which I think some narcissists use to their advantage because it can kind of help them sell their fantasy of the wonderful person they portray themselves to be and they can kind of control that by selectively being available. The other 17 had a period of estrangement of like 9 years so we had about 8 in-person years (that I still feel was in spurts because we were never glued to the hip kind of friends). So 8 out of the 35, the rest was out of touch or out of proximity. Why that matters is because THAT lent itself to the drawn out mind games and my making excuses for them. I made excuses for the things I experienced during our in-person phases and I just didn’t REALIZE how the behavior transformed itself to continue long distance. I’m not going to recount all 35 years but I will break it down so that I can get out the rawest of feelings that I have and HOPE that writing this will help me heal and NOT make me MORE HURT and RESENTFUL although I know healing is NOT a linear process so there CAN be days when I feel hurt and resentment when thoughts about this trauma bond come to my mind. My intention is to let those feelings pass and not relive them or get stuck on them when that does happen. That mastery begins with me keeping it real which I want to do right now.

When we first became “friends” we shared the same school bus stop because we lived near one another [mental note: THAT was the extent of what we had in common, a shared school bus stop]. In school, we may have had lunch at the same time, maybe a class or two (if not at the same time, the same teacher). I didn’t dress very trendy, my mother bought what she could from her limited budget so right off the bat, I can tell you that fitting in for me was not going to be a matter of fashion. What helped me fit in at times was my academics. Oftentimes, the “cool” kids were cool with me because I understood our lessons and either I could help them with their work or let them copy mine. But the IN-CROWD, I was not. I would say that she was. So she was “cool kid” and I was “bookworm”. We still remained “friends” however, I would often feel like I served one purpose in her social life and the other kids she knew served a different purpose and never the twain should meet. At an early age, I noticed that about her. As adults, she shared that she intentionally likes to keep her friends separate. She had an explanation to why that seemed reasonable but moreso I just was going to respect her wishes--there I go, making an excuse for something that I didn’t really understand but I also didn’t know WHAT I would debate. Her life, her friendships. Right?

That was a common theme early on and I simply got used to it. I wasn’t her nicely dressed, attention grabbing, in the mix of the fun kind of friend. She had her other friends for that. I began making friends that were more similar to and accepting of me. That was when we stopped talking altogether for that long period of time. I recall vividly that it was a moment where I guess I didn’t notice her or acknowledge fast enough her passing by since I was waiting on the elevator and chatting with another student who was waiting for the elevator too. I don’t even recall if words were said, I just remember her looking very mad. In my mind, I hadn’t intentionally done anything but for her, I had. All these years I figured it might have been my not seeing her because I was focused in the conversation I was having while the rest of my attention was on the elevator arriving. See how I’m explaining all this? It reminds me of the gaslighting. You can’t even innocently wait on an elevator and be preoccupied without a narcissist using that as a moment to make you feel like you did something to slight them. Either that or she had a problem with me actually having someone to talk to besides her and that’s what I was doing when I didn’t notice her and I say that because as time went on, I always felt she was bothered by my making other friends--like I was her property.  Anyway, I DID NOTHING TO HER! My present day thought on her behavior in that moment back then is WHAT A BITCH she was for that entire situation! It was so unnecessary, so insensitive, and so inappropriate with my condition (I was pregnant). She was FAR FROM MY FRIEND in that moment and continued to be. My kids don’t even know her well nor do I know her son well.  What kind of closeness is that where BFFs aren’t familiar with one another’s kids? But I participated in it for reasons I have been exploring and learning to accept the part I played so that I can forgive, heal, and move on.

So we stopped speaking. I had a lot going on in my life as a teen parent, homeless, trying to juggle very adult responsibilities and being physically, mentally & emotionally abused by the person I had my children with (which was family of hers). I never found out what exactly I did to her that day I was at the elevator so I just kept it pushing. I had BIGGER FISH TO FRY than a friend who was not even being a friend to me. My becoming a teen parent complicated our connection as well but I won’t get into that right now because it’s part of a more complicated story about my involvement with her family (and a traumatic encounter that she and I have NEVER talked about) and how my tie to her family (that she invited me around but I guess AS A TEENAGER I didn’t know where boundaries were). It all apparently bothered her to no end but I never even knew it until I began having fun, social experiences with one of her relatives that she saw on social media and she seemed to seethe with anger about it [evil eye MUCH--wow]. I only found out about it from the relative then AFTERWARDS she shared it with me so I am sure she held back A LOT of realness that maybe her relative got. Her relative was crying for goodness sake! That’s how mean she was about it. Here I was having the time of my life after weight loss surgery and all she could think about was putting an end to the person I honestly felt was genuinely HAPPY FOR ME and INCLUDED ME in social fun. Something I wasn’t familiar with in friendship because I devoted so much of my friend energy to a narcissist who only felt I was important on HER time, it didn’t matter if what she did to show that importance made me feel that way or not, I guess I just needed to accept it and be grateful hmph. Love-bomber much...just actions, no real intention behind it except self-serving ones should she decide it’s good to have you around. I have been VERY SAD that the relative and I stopped being close and in communication with each other. I felt like trying to keep that connection would cause more narcissistic drama than I cared to be a part of. It was a HUGE reminder to me that BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER. I would never get comfortable enough to think that her relative would ever go against her wish that we not hang out and keep the separation she depended on. For all I know, I could be discarded by either of them in a case of going against her wish so I didn’t even make choices that would allow that situation to even become a possibility. I am a quiet, introvert type (although I don’t like that label) so when people are gossipy & catty & petty, I want NOTHING to do with that emotionally draining use of time around others. Friends of mine know that, so when they would vent, they would start, “Not to talk about anybody but...” because they know I don’t like that sitting on the phone talking about people stuff so they would get it out and keep it BRIEF, no below the belt stuff.  Keep it on the issue and let’s move on with what you can control about things going forward. My mind doesn’t operate with women in friendship to sit around being gossipy & back-biting because my desire has always been closeness and sisterhood (to a fault) so I don’t have natural tendencies to be divisive. I’m not a perfect person by any means, there are just some characteristics that are not me and that tear-another-person-down stuff that we as girls and women in friendship can do really turns me ALL THE WAY OFF and always has. I feel so uncomfortable hearing bad things used against someone because I know it can skew perceptions. Talk about what YOU feel that’s fine, what boundary of yours was crossed or how you felt hurt or disrespected. You do not have to tear into another person below the belt to vent whatever your frustrations are. Her bank account, her looks, who she’s dating and stuff like that have NOTHING to do with what you’re upset at. Narcissists definitely don’t see it that way. They love to SLANDER others on mad day.

Eventually we came back around and I was happy about it [mental note: I was on baby #4 and she was then a mom of 1 at 19--how convenient it was that I was relevant to her again hmph]. We both were moms, FINALLY something in common which I think she noted would be a tactic to use on me--having something in common was/is important to me. When we were BOTH not dating we would blow it out of proportion that we were experiencing SAMENESS. I now see that as manipulation of me and in one of the last conversations we had a couple of years ago that it even went as far as her calling herself an empath (which I guess she considers me to be but I don’t call myself that) and saying that she has anxiety (which she very well could have but it’s ironic she has it after she TEASED me for having it early in our “friendship”--a move of a narcissist downing you and being insensitive). There are things I wish I never shared with her but I try to balance that with the things I am glad I never told her! Well, having motherhood in common didn’t help the bond I envisioned in a best friendship...we had moments where our kids saw each other but it was always because I went out to where she lived. In my mind, I didn’t mind loading the kids up to travel, her complex had a pool...where I lived, we’d just be either in the house or on the porch in a neighborhood I’m pretty sure (from what I know about her) she would not have wanted her son playing outside in. I got a chance to see a town that was outside of our hometown otherwise, I would have never driven out that far honestly. At some point, that dried up and we would talk on the phone but live separate social lives. I got my “girlfriend” time from those that I befriended later in life instead of my own “best friend”. I’m pretty sure my friends noticed but they never said anything because I had built her up to be this busy, business woman that I adored. Even my first therapist knew how proud of her I was so that when she was on a news segment, she said, “Hey, I think I saw your BFF on the news.” I bragged about her in therapy back then so it’s difficult for me to find myself where I am now realizing she is a narcissist. My other friends back then cared about my feelings so they minded their business when it came to her. I always felt sad for myself seeing them in pictures with their other good/best friends but I never had many pictures with mine--I feel she will blame it on me not being comfortable with my weight, I blame it on my not fitting a look for her. We have a good handful or two to show for 8 in-person years. I remember an instance when she called while I was having fun with my friends, I stepped away saying it was her and my friend said, “Oh that’s her girl, she gotta go take her call...” as I went to another room where it was quiet or maybe I went to my car. I don’t recall but I know always adjusted MY world to fit with HER timing. I have always wondered if with her and her group of friends was it the same when it came to me. Did her friends respect who I was in her life because honestly, then and even now, I can’t say that I ever had the confidence that she impressed the same on her group as I did on mine. It’s not about her having other friends, I don’t care about that and never felt threatened by that...EVER. That was HER department. We NEED different people in our lives that speak to the different characteristics about ourselves but I often feel stupid for possibly letting some potentially great long-term friendships never get far because I knew how funny she was about someone else calling me their best friend even though their actions were more of a best friend than hers ever were. I was controlled but I allowed myself to be controlled. I simply didn’t know, I thought I was being a good devoted friend but now I see her DEMAND for loyalty was based on control and not really a healthy comradery.

Once she decided to move to another state, I took the drive with her and her belongings. At this point, it was always a lot of me doing things a friend would do but not really much of me getting that in return. That’s not to say that she didn’t slide me a discount in her line of business or pick up the tab when we’d go out to eat or listen to me when I would call to say what I was going through. I just feel like how I contributed to the friendship was different from how she contributed. That seems to be a common theme in all the narcissistic connections I now have identified. I’ll leave it at that.

As much as I hate to fly because it scares the life out of me and causes me tremendous anxiety--not to mention the pain of ears popping--I started off making it a point to visit her once a year or something like that even though I couldn’t keep it up after maybe 3 years due to time, resource and heck, reasonability. I just didn’t want to let alot of time go by without our being able to see each other and hang out. I remembered when we were estranged and didn’t want that to happen again after making the effort to reconnect. Mind you, visiting her that requires me to take time from work, leave my children, and purchase airfare. She never did that for me. I even recall times when she first became a mom, if her child so much as sneezed while we were talking on the phone, she had to go. Meanwhile, I’m talking to her with a house full of kids doing God only knows what that kids do when they know their mom is distracted. When she’d visit home, it would always be FOR WORK and sketchy whether we would have time to hang out, “My family gets mad if I don’t stop by to see them all while I’m in town, I’ll call you.” There were times I would say, “Hey, if all you can do is have me drive you to the airport, that’s cool, just so we can see each other.” I used to always feel beneath myself offering that but she never would volunteer SOMETHING CREATIVE to catch up with each other. It was as if she would have been fine if we missed each other. She could have always simply come over my house and had pizza and talked like I would do over her house (or like she did with other friends she stayed with when she came) but she always made it seem like we needed a special itinerary like an event or a restaurant so I started developing the habit of going along with that when I always would have been perfectly fine hanging out at home. I don’t think my home was good enough for her or her idea of “good enough” for her to be at. If I said this to her, I can hear her defense, “You should have just told me.” YOU KNOW WHEN SOMEONE DOESN’T WANT TO BE SOMEWHERE. I would hate for her to come over, be uncomfortable, and have one more thing to judge me against...how my home was kept, how my kids behaved, how cheap my dishes were or how ugly my livingroom set got because the kids wore it down. Of course I wasn’t going to ask or beg and she didn’t EVER OFFER. I could comfortably suggest, “I’ll just sleep over your house,” so she could have done the same! I can’t really say ALOT on being in competition. It could play a part and I just made an excuse for the red flags long ago because I feel like we were in two different worlds professionally. I can say she always made it a point to point out she was in “corporate America” to differentiate non-profit work norms versus “corporate America” norms. It became a running joke when I would call her (cause I was the one usually doing the reaching out) during business hours but on a holiday. She would ask about me being off and I would be like, “Oh, it’s a holiday...are you working?” It was never to SHOW OFF that I got holidays off...NEVER. I was oblivious that all business did not observe federal holidays. The business she was in did not have holiday closings kind of like with  hospitals and restaurants. After a while, I stopped reaching out on those days during those hours. It was a joke SHE created “what holiday do you have off now?”, it was harmless but looking back on it, I now realize it might have been something she felt a way about and I didn’t want to provoke that. I often felt and still feel like she thinks of me in a sense of not having anything going on. She often travels for work and for pleasure and it’s like if people aren’t traveling and attending events all the time, then they have nothing going on in their life. I was on the news, in the newspaper, in a commercial for my college, did a Community Access TV Q&A with my supervisor for our department...I had similar professional life accomplishments in my life too but she didn’t acknowledge those things about me or she conveniently wasn’t a part of my life when they happened. To her, I feel I was just the fat friend with a bunch of kids that wasn’t living life the way she was living her life. That’s why she gave me and her relative the evil eye when we were having a good time--it’s like she thinks she’s the only person with a life.  If there was a talent I had just like back in school where I helped kids with their work, then I was useful. If not, she didn’t have time for me and the “mediocre” life I lived as a young single mother. I’m grateful for the friends I made that didn’t make me feel bad for my life. It helps me repair my confidence damaged in connections where I felt harshly judged and not good enough.

In all honesty, I felt in all these years there was something about me that this girl never cared for. I always felt boring to her (too creative, artsy-fartsy, nerdy) or like I was her fat friend she could confide in (when she felt like being a smidge vulnerable--like mad at her family, her child’s father or his family) or that I was never good enough for her to simply ASK to go on vacations with or out to the club (even if I would say NO because I didn’t have the money or the fashionable wardrobe or didn’t fit in with the other girls she was with). She NEVER EVEN ASKED ME. When all her girls would get together when she would visit home, that would have to be our time together, and I would have to spend it listening to them all swap stories of being on this island or in that country, who did something crazy and they’re all laughing at the same moment and there I was just listening and laughing at what might have been funny but feeling VERY LEFT OUT with others I had nothing in common with. It never occurred to her that I might feel a certain way...it was both that she didn’t care and that I never said anything because I didn’t feel jealous, I just didn’t feel valued by her.

She worked a very demanding job and often was so tied up that she could not answer her phone (this is of course what I was told, I believe it but I also believe she was NOT in a prison and still had a choice to do what she wanted). When she would answer, she wouldn’t be on for long before her other line would beep. She would interrupt me as I was trying to talk fast to get out whatever I wanted to tell her in excitement or about a challenge before she had to go. Whether she would click back over I’d never know. If she did click back over, it would be to say it’s an important person like her child or her boss and that she’ll call me back but never call back. I got used to that too and excused it. It could have always been her child or her boss or her mom but I didn’t always think it was. Again, I have always felt there was something about me she never cared for so this is how I got used to being treated, never knowing the something or if there really was something. Basically feeling gaslit but indirectly I guess? Just keep on being a good friend and things will get better is all I would reassure myself. Things didn’t.

I had a terrible tragedy occur in my life. Listen, people called to be supportive or to be nosey or both...I don’t have a log of who did what, I had ALOT on my plate. I’m pretty sure we spoke, I vented my stress to her, let her know how things were going and got a listening ear but my other friends were the ones there for me most. Even when I wasn’t handling things very well, they were STILL THERE FOR ME. Even when I had too much to drink or should not have been drinking, they were STILL THERE FOR ME. I could tell she didn’t care for them especially if I shared a couple of frustrations about one of them that she HELD ON TO USE IN SOME WAY but I’m like YOU ARE NEVER THERE! Turning to alcohol to cope, she had plenty of time to make an impression on me for looking like a drunk (probably embarrassing her) but I don’t recall the same kind of impression being made on me to say, “What can I do?” or “I’m flying up there,” (to focus on being there for me, not on the phone). The countless of times I took off from work or left my kids for her she...she never came home for me. It was always whatever scraps that could be eeked in or squeezed in when she would come here MAINLY FOR WORK. Even then, she would be on her phone either a call or scrolling/texting. Not attentive AT ALL like she had better things to get to. Occasionally I would stay at the hotel with her. She would offer that and I hate to say I hope there wasn’t a hidden agenda then or a charity move of “let me throw something at this friendship so she can feel valued.” I enjoyed the change of scenery for myself but she would always fall asleep so it was not the slumber party, girl chit chat time I wished for. It was always amazing to me that she could be wide awake all night at the get together with all of her girls but one-on-one, I was such a snoozefest for her. Even at times when we’d be out of town, she would fall asleep when we’d get back to our room. Excluding me visiting her, we’ve been to four places together in all these year that I feel WANTING me as a travel friend was SECONDARY to some hidden agenda: 1) we were with another relative or hers, 2) we were part of a larger group that included a guy she was smitten over, 3) we were with two girls she worked with, no real attachment to them and we conveniently bumped into a guy she was smitten over, 4) we were with a family member (& their plus 1) that she was seeking to bond with and I def feel like I was her safe person for that situation FIRST then a travel buddy SECOND. We may have even had a conversation that that was what she needed. If so, at least she was on the up & up for once. Basically, we’ve never been on a trip WE PLANNED TOGETHER...everything we’ve done has been me joining in on something already arranged where perhaps she later decided she wanted a comfort person along but that the trip would have happened regardless--that’s the best way I can explain how trip interactions felt for me.

I read somewhere that besides using you and picking you up when it’s convenient for them then discarding you when it’s not, they like to turn the nice people they use into treacherous people. You know, find something that basically says, “S/he’s not so good/nice after all.” Maybe to make themselves feel better about their behavior. Two instances stick out like a sore thumb for me is her making it a point to point out my “abrasive” side (the side of myself when I can moody, fed up, blunt--HONEST with no sugarcoat) and another when I was venting my frustration about a terrible situation that I can admit I said something insensitive or inappropriate like, “I wouldn’t care if he caught COVID.” She, later in the same conversation, referred back to that as “wishing bad on someone” which I was not doing at all. I was upset, venting to someone I thought I could feel safe with who I felt would know I would not truly WANT someone to catch a life-threatening virus that has killed hundreds of thousands of people. Instead of honing in on her friend being hurt and in need of an ear, she honed in on that? It’s things like that added on top of the discarding you/being unavailable unless they need you, lack of emotion & genuine connection, viewing you as weak (in my case things like overweight, poor choice making, depression & anxiety challenges prone sure to ruin a good time or conversation), etc. But they stay connected to you WHY? Definitely not for love or devotion...it’s because you make them feel like the superior, successful friend with life all figured out. You, as a giver, as a people pleaser, as a nice person feed their need. Really, they are very insecure but because they are good at manipulation, you will never see or hear anything but confidence come out of them. They always have an answer and they always look the part. It’s mandatory for them to create the fantasy of them being a strong, go-to person.

She recently dealt with a very significant loss in her life. While she had so much criticism about her family, they had criticism about her--criticism I had never heard before about her [eye opening]. Someone who doesn’t know her family or isn’t close enough to come in contact with context like I am would only hear and know HER side which is intent on making her family members look bad. That’s what narcissists do, they spend an ENORMOUS amount of time making people they claim to love or were devoted to when they were involved with them LOOK SO BAD when they get angry. She always starts with "here's the backstory" which basically has come to mean to me that she’s about to tear down the other person FIRST so that when she catches you up in order to share the issue at hand, your mind has been prepped in HER favor. I can only imagine the times I have been the person she spoke about negatively to someone and probably shared things that should have been held in confidence. That brings me back to the SOMETHING that I have always felt was there but not really sure IS and--if it IS--what it’s about but I definitely feel that she’s had those criticism/tear down moments to others about me. Even though I’ve experienced all these things with her, I have NEVER done that towards her. I’m writing this anonymously and only would share this in therapy. As far as everyone is concerned we’re still “best friends” right now just doing our own things. But I think people who have been around long enough realize something’s off at this point.

It’s probably a terrible blow to a narcissist to have someone in a certain position distance myself and no longer want to be in their life. That can make them look like a bad friend courtesy of the person they gave this special title of best friend to (only because she wanted it in return--that’s how I feel now). As a narcissist, she would probably work overtime to ensure everyone either thinks it’s because of ME or that it’s simply just NOT because of HER. I’m thinking if it came down to it, it’s going to be one of those two options. I’m just not sure how really hateful in her heart about me she’s capable of being. Like the first time we were estranged, we just didn’t speak. It was quietly at least on my end. The way that I take social media breaks for my own health, I feel like that bothers her as a person who, in my personal opinion, “lives on Facebook” (I base that on things having to do with behavior online that have stressed her to the point she shared them). That’s the same site she encountered images of slimmer-me dressing nice & looking pretty having a good time with her relative. I feel like it bothers her because my not being online is ONE LESS WAY for her to try being in the know of me (and give me the evil eye) all while I’m not in the know of her (just the things she’ll post to create a crafted image of herself). I used to stop on her page to like her posts. She didn’t do that with me. I didn’t post alot but when I did, in my scroll I would see her already liked and commented on a mutual’s post that was 1min old! But my things, she didn’t ever see or didn’t just come to my page like a friend would and could? I was not going to make social media interaction a debate because I know I get in my stages when I don’t even care about the use social media on a daily basis unless it’s for a business/meaningful purpose. So, I left that subject alone meanwhile other people I know that are best friends are interacting together often and I hope I have that someday no matter how often or not I post. We weren’t like that and I didn’t understand why, let’s remember we live in two different states so it takes EFFORT from BOTH to stay close. Pretty sure she’d have a perfectly crafted excuse like she didn’t realize. UGH! I like your stuff, like mine or let’s just not follow each other. We’re not keeping up online or by phone so WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS CONNECTION? For me, there is none. She’s related to my kids but we’re not family like I thought and at this point I don’t want to be because I know how she feels about some of them. It’s better she feel those kinds of feeling about me as a non-family member honestly if that makes sense.

She’s not easily forthcoming about her personal, private self EXCEPT when she’s to the point that she needs to vent which, for me, I take with a grain of salt because we all say things with an intensity that has to do with heightened emotions so it’s not ALWAYS literal but it definitely can be. I think knowing that about me made HER feel safe with me when she chose me to vent to (she has said things to make it clear she has other sounding boards--narcissists like to let you know you’re not special at the same time try to make you feel special...confusing). I still got to experience how she was capable of thinking and feeling even if it was in a volatile moment where things said may not always be what is meant. I have mentioned to her on several occasion about "making up stories" reminding her that she doesn't actually know so maybe stop thinking that or go find out the truth if it means that much to her to know. For me to be on social media is a way for her to "watch" without me knowing like a narcissist does looking for things to use, studying people. She has my phone number but we don't keep in regular touch by phone or Facetime (saying she doesn’t like how she looks on camera--I think it’s she never wants me to see her body language and expressions). Even if I text her, she conveniently doesn’t see it until maybe when she comes in the thread to send me something and will reply "how did I miss this" to something I sent DAYS BACK or just never reply at all. She’ll send me something with a PODCAST or YouTube length of time, I would take my time out of MY DAY to look at it and acknowledge it by opening up a dialogue to comment or discuss it only to find out she didn't look at it herself. SO WHY YOU SEND IT TO ME? I send her something with a movie clip length of time to maybe just laugh together at--TWO DAMN MINUTES--and she doesn't look at it to open up a dialogue. No reply! When other people would do that I would feel myself feeling SLIGHTED by them. I realized that reaction was forming because she had done that to me so much (as well as cutting our phone calls short) that when other people do it, I feel provoked into bad feelings! UGH! I have to heal that now and other reactions I think I have because of this toxic trauma bond!

I don’t have a problem with how I’ve been distancing myself from the trauma bond: slowly and quietly. I wanted to be supportive following her tragedy but I was met with the usual narcissist mask of “I’m fine...by the way, I’m seeing a new guy, get on Facetime with me so I can have him say Hi.” Facetime? Remember, she hates Facetime--that’s what she said when I noticed we didn’t use during pandemic. GO FIGURE! I bet she did work Zooms on camera but she can’t be on camera with me but she can for this guy? I guess when she’s trying to show off to someone new, it’s time to break out the fake acts to impress a man and remove off the shelf the well-spoken BFF that knows not say anything to embarrass. Funny how she has ALWAYS been able to find and get to know new men to end up living with or even get engaged with but never have time for a valued friendship? So I rethink the rhetoric she gives when she breaks up with people...the guy MAY have been all the terrible things she said but I also can only imagine the manipulation and other tactics they probably endured at her hands as well. All that time she spends dating but is never holding on to a relationship that she’s really happy in. To think, all these years I think I let her brainwash me into thinking I was the friend that “didn’t know how to give romance a chance and that didn’t love the idea of being in love”...no, I just don’t need people for the reasons a narcissist does and the way a narcissist does. I actually would love to find true love but I realize that involves working on myself and my traumas. Otherwise, I will continue to attract friends, dating suitors and others who have a narcissistic personality disorder. I DO NOT WANT THAT!

Working on myself BEGAN with BOUNDARIES. Narcissists HATE those damn things. They prefer you to be the people pleaser they invested their ego into. It’s amazing how quiet my life has gotten since I developed boundaries, some I share and some I don’t need to because they’re mine and they only need to make sense to me. Getting a narcissist to support and respect you having boundaries is pointless. Our last phone conversation sounded very much like a surface conversation I could have had with a coworker but in it she mentioned something about not having relationships that make her feel doubtful. I’m not sure if she was saying something to me without saying it directly but if it takes doubting me to completely end our trauma bond, I will accept that. I’ve lived my life all these years essentially NOT feeling like she is an integral part of my life (and clearly I’m not an integral part of hers) so nothing would feel different. It would just be official that we’ve moved on. I’ll no longer have to process confusing moments when she comes out of nowhere acting thoughtful, kind-gesturey, complimenting...things associated to love-bombing when it’s a birthday or a holiday.

I also never asked her to be my daughter’s godmother. When I was going through a very stressful time in my life, she referred to herself as that I believe in a social media comment under my baby’s picture and I wasn’t even in the space to realize that was narcissistic behavior. Elevating herself into a desired position/title (so that no one else in my life can hold it like “best friend”). I feel it had nothing to do with really caring about or wanting to know & be there for my daughter. Had I known what narcissistic personality disorder was at that time, I would have stopped that then and there but I didn’t know and I also had so much going on. However, I will make sure that is cleared up somehow. I don’t want her hanging on to that as a means to reach out. She is NOT my daughter’s godmother. A godmother is not a title to hold in name or for someone to show off like it’s a possession, it involves a genuine and loving, healthy relationship between the adults and in my world, a legal ceremony. A godmother is capable of LOVE and HAS TIME to dedicate to building a healthy relationship. Because of her pattern of behavior all these years, I absolutely would not want her to be my child’s guardian. I don’t even look up to her the way I once did. I applaud her accomplishments FOR HER but if underlying energy was about herself and being superior over others and not about truly being FOR the collective or to give back to others (without seeking credit to hang it over their head), then I even see that differently.

The wild part about this revelation is that SHE was the person that opened up a dialogue with me about narcissists and the narcissist men she always ended up dating. It was THAT conversation that prompted me to look further into the definition of the behavior because for a long time, my understanding was VERY limited (I now know) to simply, “Oh, they’re selfish people.” Well, it is FAR MORE SINISTER than that! As humans we can all be selfish at times but it’s the combination of behaviors AND the manipulative intent behind them that makes the difference between someone just being a jerk and someone having a real mental health issue that affects and damages other people.  It’s funny because there is also literature that narcissists will OUT THEMSELVES you just have to LISTEN. They’ll say things under the guise of it being ABOUT OTHERS but it’s really ABOUT THEMSELVES. I think that’s what she did that day and other times now that I think about it.

It has been very stifling to me lately to feel I have nowhere to even talk about this in a way that I am supported for what this ex-friend and other narcissists I’ve interacted with meant to me and be understood on how saddening it is to feel that all this time I didn't mean the same to them. I literally am TERRIFIED that I would look crazy sharing this in any space other than therapy or writing in anonymity because experiences with narcissists SOUND UNBELIEVABLE, it’s ridiculous when you don’t immediately SEE their tactics and you tolerate them and their abuse FOR SO LONG. When you finally open up about it, you sound like you’re bashing them when YOU have been their victim all along. People don’t HEAR your experience, they hear what sounds like bitterness because a connection didn’t work out and IT IS SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT. They’ve all been charmed by the narcissist too so you’re on own when you see the truth. The narcissist knows this too and use it to their advantage...they’re being so “kind” to others, there’s no way they are being so “evil” to you so it must be YOU.  *SMH*  So, you can’t tell this to people unqualified to HEAR YOU. You probably have to keep this kind of detail away from family and friends and minimize the terror you’ve been put through down to “oh, it didn’t work out...we didn’t see eye to eye.” You really want to say I WAS USED, THEY NEVER CARED ABOUT ME, THEY’RE EVIL & FOOLING EVERYONE but because you participated, that sounds skeptical to anyone who wasn’t a fly on the wall of the connection. So that’s been heavy and embarrassing for me. Talking about them means I’m exposing my own STUPIDITY and MINDLESSNESS and maybe DESPERATION or risking looking BITTER and CRAZY. Before I realize they were narcissists, I thought I found people who were listening to me because they cared about me. They really were just listening to me blabber all the ways I was weak so they could exploit me. It affects me trusting others now. Once a very transparent person with anyone I felt safe with, I now have been actively teaching myself not to tell everyone what I am going through and to be minimalistic about my personal self unless I am in therapy or in control of how open I am or what I am being open about.  People now have to EARN my vulnerability.

I will never have the same moments as you have. I will never have those pictures that you have, and that you cherish. We are two different people, living in different worlds (hence, the different mindset). I can never be who you are. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much you wish we were alike in many aspects.

There are times when I want you to protect my feelings as well and not just your own. For you to actually understand, and not get stuck in your narcissistic headspace.

I gave you the understanding you needed from me, yet you somehow abused that. When it got too much, and I stand up for myself you managed to make it seem like it’s my fault. I’m the one who got hurt because of what happened and yet all your anger is directed towards me. (Because you got triggered)

But what happens when there are things that trigger me? You threatened to leave me. You made it about you. You wanted me to understand your side.

What happens when I get upset over something and try to talk it out with you? You yell at me. You made me feel as if I just overstepped a boundary. You wanted me to understand you.

Yet you have the audacity to tell me and others nobody understood you. There’s nobody there by your side when I stood by you for years. Understanding, coping, and catching you when shit gets bad with you again.

Okay. Living with a bunch of alters and adjusting to online classes is hard. But the thing is, I live with my abusers. To be more specific, my mom. I don’t remember a lot of the abuse growing up, but I guess it was so bad I had an alter specifically there to comfort me when I was 6. I’ve diagnosed myself with DDNOS, and I can’t go to a doctor for it because my parents are not the best people on earth. Because if I talked to them about their abusive ways I would surely get kicked out and it’s quarantine. They’re always defensive of their acts and all of my protectors are so close to the front and if they lashed out at her they would get hurt. 

I can’t get diagnosed with my disorder until I’m 18 and I move out. Hopefully my alters would support me. My mother is strict about respect and discipline but one protector who fronts the most is brash and aggressive on their best days. My very sweet caretaker alter is too scared to front, which I respect. 

I can’t leave sticky notes around the house so I had to get used to rapid switching and we had to enforce good communication between us. Online classes took a toll on us. There was always this aggressive, heavily religious tiger always ready to pounce at any hint of less than perfection behind us, breathing down our neck. And the fact that she slams our door open without any warning is bad enough-one of the alters in the Idyllic System’s PTSD is so bad that she nearly screamed and 3 protectors immediately fronted and one accidentally flinched away from her grasp.

My mother was furious at this gesture we did. She was shouting, screaming, tugging at our hair so harshly that we fought hot tears pricking the sides of our eyes. Telling us to respect her and stop thinking that she’s going to attack us. 

Online classes made me quickly hide our notebook that contained information about everyone in our system. Online classes made us extremely aware of everything that happened around us, trying to please mother to the extent of starving ourself. Online classes made our environment become the opposite of safe; emotionally, physically and mentally. And dissociating while she was shouting at us made the beatings harsher. 

Online classes got our flashbacks, nightmares, panic attacks, sorrowful moments and doubled it. Tripled, more of.