Uh-oh. Trader Joe's is playing "Shout". Hold my Mueslix while I get a little bit softer now. I SAID HOLD MY FUCKING MUESLIX.
@kellydeal (kellydeal) – 119
Just once I'd like to see a realistic tampon commercial, with the actress sobbing herself to sleep with a half-chewed Snickers in her mouth.
@ladawn (Mixmaster L.A. Dawn) – 107
Dinner was awful, so I asked to speak to the manager and that's when my wife came at me with a kitchen knife, Your Honor.
@thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 97
Confused I won't take Jim's last name, they ask what name our kids will have. Easy. We make them pick the name of the parent they love more.
@CcSteff (Stephanie) – 97
Would you rather have a liberal amount of hot fudge on your sundae, or a conservative amount? Conservatives: They even lie about ice cream.
@adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 96
old dog : "taking it to the farm" :: kids' drawing : "taking it to work"
@scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 76
BREAKING: Obama has authorized 40,000 more troops to fight Fox News.
@badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 74
I'd watch C-SPAN more if Congress wore throwback uniforms every once in a while.
@badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 70
"Dad, where does God live?" "God lives inside each of us, son. Like a magic tapeworm slowly devouring our souls... Welp, goodnight."
@FriedWords (Derek) – 69
I just blocked 500 people. If I blocked you unfairly, please let me know how you're reading this, and I'll block you there, too.
@Remiel (Remiel) – 66
THIS JUST IN -- HIPSTER DUDE IN JAUNTY SCARF AND POINTY SHOES RUNNING TO CATCH BUS HILARIOUS -- MORE DETAILS AS THEY BECOME AVAILABLE
@sween (Jason Sweeney) – 62
Yes child, you must go to bed. Because it's a school night, that's why. Also, I'd like to eat Froot Loops at 9:30 PM without your judgment.
@vmarinelli (Victoria Marinelli) – 57
So many hammer reviews. So few tree houses.
@hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 50
Sharks would be less dangerous if we just let them eat at Applebee's.
@sween (Jason Sweeney) – 50
For Halloween I'll dress up as an overweight guy whose wife won't sleep with him because I already am the costume.
@awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 50
"You sure do like to tailgate people... Right, because it's real important you show up to the nothing you have to do on time."
@shitmydadsays (Justin) – 49
New high score on the Wii Fit! This "BMI" game is a piece of cake.
@biorhythmist (boorhythmist) – 48
Some days, swearing is easier than finding a thesaurus.
@baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 47
I figure my "Dr. Manhattan" Halloween costume will cost me $105. That's $5 for blue spraypaint, and $100 to pay the indecent exposure fine.
@Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 44
Full Length Mirror, no one invited you to my "feeling skinny" party.
@baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 44
