#joeschmidt

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And gays. They'll gay you up. Ha! No, no. Just fear. LOOK OUT! A GAY! And now you're gay. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 139

The restaurant across the street has gone out of business. I will miss wondering how it stays open. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 131

"CNN: Reading Twitter To Old People Since 2009." @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 130

If Canadian officials want to find the cougar that attacked a 3yo girl they should walk through the woods yelling "Last call". @joeschmidt (Joe Schmidt) – 127

Daddy's special soda for grown ups isn't what makes him hurt mommy. It's that Hannah Montana song you like to play. Every. God. Damned. Day. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 94

If I win the lottery, should I set up a scholarship fund or a charity for oh god I can't even finish this I'm spending it on spacesuits. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 90

We can't afford cable because your mother wanted Botox, so we're just going to sit here and watch her terrifying eyebrows for entertainment. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 86

I always look for meat with the "no antibiotics used" label. It just tastes better when the cow died of a preventable disease. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 81

Another hot, humid day ahead. Once again, I bet I'll be the only one at work smart enough to wear a beer hat. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 78

Caught my wife reading "The Five People You Meet In Heaven," which is troubling since we don't believe in heaven, people or the number five. @bcompton (Doom Nibbler) – 76

Oh god. Productivity. Get it off get it off it burns it burnsssssss... @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 76

When I get to work each day, I have to struggle to make sure the first sentence I speak doesn't include the words "fucking moron". @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 72

Scientist have found evidence of an ancient lake on Mars. Which means, at one time, Mars could have supported rednecks. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 70

When fat goth girls get sad, they cut themselves another piece of cake. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 68

I'd pay 99¢ for an iPhone app that displays a crucifix to ward off vampires. Under certain conditions, I'd pay far more. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 66

Is there a colored ribbon we can all wear that will make the economic crisis go away? You know, like we did to defeat terrorism and AIDS. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 66

You had me at "I'm going to have to ask you to leave". @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 61

If God didn't want man to rivet propellers to babies' heads, he wouldn't have put that soft spot there. What? But it's so EASY! SEE?! @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 56

Live-tweeting my getting fired. Boss is yelling. He's getting up! He's trying to stop me from texting! Now he's chasing me! LOL! @BrilliantOrange (Chris Velazquez) – 56

I thought the label said “omg caffeine,” but it actually said “0mg caffeine.” And now I have a headache. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 111

I think I did the childproofing wrong in this house. Kids are still getting in here. @seanhussey (Sean Hussey) – 53

Had a great 5 AM run, then meditated by the ocean. Next, pancakes, a few solitary hours writing, and a nap. Oops, wait. Wrong life. Sorry. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 49

Dr. Seuss should have written a book called “Oh, The Places You’ll Settle For!” @joeschmidt (Joe Schmidt) – 48

I think it’s supremely unfair that some people wake up looking adorably disheveled when I wake up looking like Nick Nolte. @shoesonwrong (Annie) – 44

WAKE UP, EVERYONE. I CAN’T SLEEP ANY MORE. I WANT A GLASS OF WATER. READ ME A STORY. I’M BORED. ARE YOU AWAKE? [Poke poke poke.] @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 39

Here’s my daily dilemma: Before her coffee, my wife is totally useless. After her coffee, she realizes that I’m totally useless. @essdogg (Essex Mortimer Dogg) – 39

I read an article in a newspaper (nearly bankrupt) about the music industry (dying). Now I’m writing on Twitter (zero revenue). Ah, 2009. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 37

The best thing about being your own boss is you don’t get in trouble for constantly fondling the boss’ genitals. @sloganeerist (sloganєєrist) – 37

Ma’am, if you can tuck your breasts into your fanny pack, you may want to invest in a bra. Or wear your fanny pack much higher. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 35

Do you have a “clever” idea for DVD packaging? Please follow these 2 steps: 1) Make a fist 2) Punch yourself in the genitals until you die @tj (TJ Luoma) – 34

Average Rating (of childhood hugs received by iPhone app reviewers): ★½ @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 33

Sitting in the back yard, drinking green tea and staring at the newly planted vegetable garden. Damn it feels good to be a gangsta. @luckyshirt (Luckyshirt) – 33

When you order your Thai food extra spicy you are, in essence, giving someone permission to murder you from the inside out. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 33

I cannot be expected to accomplish anything when Viggo Mortensen is on my TV. Anything besides washing the screen with my tongue, I mean. @zolora (Theresa Couchman) – 32

When the ex said a friend had passed away, I said “My condolences” instead of “Since when do you have friends?” LOOK AT ME, GROWING UP. @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 32

It’s not a completely irrational fear that every time I leave Sweets in Missouri, some local will try to bread and fry her. @SeoulBrother (SeoulBrother) – 31

I’m starting a meme where we all reveal our social security numbers. You first. @aedison (Avery Edison) – 30

I bet if Octomom wears a skirt with no underwear it sounds an awful lot like someone blowing over a moonshine jug. @Aimee_B_Loved (Aimee B) – 30