My friend has recently acquired a disability and now whenever they need an accomodation that is abnormal, they do this awkward 'shaming myself before you shame me-thing'
And I'm so not down with that.
They were unable to use sunscreen because they're violently allergic to all the perfumes people put in there as a matter of course. I walk slowly and, especially on a beach, with quite great difficulty.
The reason we were on the beach during nearly 40C heat was that it is the near only public space that allows you to bring your own food; near the only food my friend can safely eat.
The problem, though, was as follows - allow them to stay in the sun too long and, covered or not, they'd quite likely burn. But make me walk too fast, I'll hurt myself or pass out. So I gave them a head start to shade, after which they waited there while I sat down, caught my breath, drank a bottle of water and limped on to my car, where they joined me and sat inside while I loaded our stuff in, again, lest they burn horribly.
"Look at us struggling," they said in that faux funny tone.
I thought we'd been damn clever actually, getting our needs met by taking them into account and acting accordingly. No one was hurt, and we reached our goal as comfortably as possible.
"I refuse to be ashamed," I said. "We're managing, and well, without inconveniencing anyone. Not even ourselves."
But it really hurt me. Formerly abled people are always so apologetic. "Oh, I'm very slow." "Oh, I need help, like some idiot."
And I keep thinking: to they think needing consideration is shameful? Do they think my needing their consideration is shameful?
If you shame yourself for taking the actions you need to take to live a good life, how can you ever expect to live well? If you shame yourself out of fear of reprisal from the ableds, do you think you deserve it?
I don't shame myself for getting by, and if somebody tries, I will do my best to stay civil, but I will give them a piece of my mind.
People shame me a lot for being slow or clumsy, and I never go along with it other than to say: "Yes, but I never promised you any different, did I?" Because I refuse to live in a world where being slow or clumsy is shameful.
I know this perplexes them, and invariably, they figure out I have a disability and come rushing back, absolutely contrite and full of apologies. "I didn't know you have a disability," they say, and the If 'd have known you had an excuse, I wouldn't have shamed you goes unspoken. To which I always reply: "You couldn't have known. I didn't tell you," and the I don't owe you my medical information not to be publicly humiliated also goes unspoken, but rarely unheard. "Well, I'm sorry," this usually ends with, and that I will take, because they should be sorry, not for shaming a cripple, but for shaming anyone at all who did nothing but exist in their vicinity.
I will not be shamed for living the best life I can, and I'm hurt by the fact that others seem to think that I should be, really. That refusing to take harassment is a radical stance, and the only way to politely pre-empt it is to punish yourself first. Because you deserve it.
I deserve dignity, same as anyone.
I may not always get it, but that is the other person's fault for mistreating people.