#internalization

But there are some extremely insane feminists who are basically just misandrists in disguise.

And I'm so not down with that.

They were unable to use sunscreen because they're violently allergic to all the perfumes people put in there as a matter of course. I walk slowly and, especially on a beach, with quite great difficulty.

The reason we were on the beach during nearly 40C heat was that it is the near only public space that allows you to bring your own food; near the only food my friend can safely eat.

The problem, though, was as follows - allow them to stay in the sun too long and, covered or not, they'd quite likely burn. But make me walk too fast, I'll hurt myself or pass out. So I gave them a head start to shade, after which they waited there while I sat down, caught my breath, drank a bottle of water and limped on to my car, where they joined me and sat inside while I loaded our stuff in, again, lest they burn horribly.

"Look at us struggling," they said in that faux funny tone.

I thought we'd been damn clever actually, getting our needs met by taking them into account and acting accordingly. No one was hurt, and we reached our goal as comfortably as possible.

"I refuse to be ashamed," I said. "We're managing, and well, without inconveniencing anyone. Not even ourselves."

But it really hurt me. Formerly abled people are always so apologetic. "Oh, I'm very slow." "Oh, I need help, like some idiot."

And I keep thinking: to they think needing consideration is shameful? Do they think my needing their consideration is shameful?

If you shame yourself for taking the actions you need to take to live a good life, how can you ever expect to live well? If you shame yourself out of fear of reprisal from the ableds, do you think you deserve it?

I don't shame myself for getting by, and if somebody tries, I will do my best to stay civil, but I will give them a piece of my mind.

People shame me a lot for being slow or clumsy, and I never go along with it other than to say: "Yes, but I never promised you any different, did I?" Because I refuse to live in a world where being slow or clumsy is shameful.

I know this perplexes them, and invariably, they figure out I have a disability and come rushing back, absolutely contrite and full of apologies. "I didn't know you have a disability," they say, and the If 'd have known you had an excuse, I wouldn't have shamed you goes unspoken. To which I always reply: "You couldn't have known. I didn't tell you," and the I don't owe you my medical information not to be publicly humiliated also goes unspoken, but rarely unheard. "Well, I'm sorry," this usually ends with, and that I will take, because they should be sorry, not for shaming a cripple, but for shaming anyone at all who did nothing but exist in their vicinity.

I will not be shamed for living the best life I can, and I'm hurt by the fact that others seem to think that I should be, really. That refusing to take harassment is a radical stance, and the only way to politely pre-empt it is to punish yourself first. Because you deserve it.

No.

I deserve dignity, same as anyone.

As I mentioned in my last post, I recently graduated from university. Immediately after moving my tassel over during the commencement ceremony, I felt my heart start to sink—not because I was reminiscing over the amazing moments of college or I was heartbroken to leave so many friends but because I was contemplating what to do with my life now.

Even before graduation, I was applying for full-time positions to pursue upon moving back home. I was so in a rush to get a job simply to prove that I could get one and that my degree wasn’t useless. I felt pressured to impress my parents, professors, and peers. Being so accustomed to overworking, it felt wrong to not be under intense stress. I’m bad at taking breaks, I even worry that I’ll get in trouble for not working, so I jumped into a full-time job about a month after I graduated.

I didn’t last a month.

I was burned out, I was out of gas. This flesh vehicle is due for maintenance; it had some problems from the start and the warning light had been flashing for years but I ignored them so now I’m stranded in the middle of nowhere, shamefully calling for roadside assistance.

I don’t believe I’ve ever felt this lost and without structure before. I feel fortunate to have known what I wanted to do for a long time, an idea of how and when to do it, and who to ask for help. Even in my worst moments, I still had a general sense of what was going on. This time, I truly don’t know. I’m not in school anymore so I don’t have advisors/counselors to help me out. I'm a first-generation student so I don’t have my parents to guide me with the technicalities. Now it’s just me (and my little support system, of course) but I don’t know what I’m doing, how to do it and most especially, I don’t know who I’m doing it for.

I tend to live my life for others, especially my parents. I’m not entirely sure of who I am or what I enjoy anymore. I exhibit a bit of learned helplessness due to childhood experiences and other traumas. I feel like my parents, those who hurt me, and unhealthy societal beliefs put their chains on me and trapped me in a dark room. College came to the rescue and released me from those chains. My brain interpreted moving back home as being put back in that room; even without the original chains this time, I still feel trapped and too scared to leave* although I know it’s possible. I don’t know how to live for myself. I don’t truly know who I am, I’ve always been whoever you wanted me to be.

Unfortunately, I’ve internalized various messages that tell me that I’m not making the right decisions and I shouldn’t pursue that. The negative voices in my head tell me that nobody will ever be proud of me and I’ll never amount to anything worthy with those dreams. To earn their validation and the temporary gratification that comes with it, I do what they want. The worst part is when I still feel like I’m not enough. I’m an overachiever, I have been since I was really young; I worked extra hard to please my parents, authority figures and peers and I achieved my goals while experiencing and recovering from some really awful things. But I still feel like I’ve failed everyone and I’m not doing enough.

I’ve been told that someone will always have a problem with my decisions, I might as well do what I want. Being told to just do what I want or to do what makes me happy doesn’t process well in my head because I don’t know how and I’m convinced that I can’t. I often even feel bad asking for things I need because I’m afraid of the reaction I could receive. It’s a lot easier for me to say that I don’t want anything than wanting something that I can’t have. It’s a lot easier for others if I say that I’m doing what they asked because I want to so that when I fail, I only have myself to blame and punish. Sometimes, I feel I can trust myself because I’m under the impression that I make bad decisions. I desperately need to hear from other people that I’m doing the right thing, I need to be told what path to take. I need to be told to live for other people because I don’t think I’d live for myself. I need to be told who I am because I don’t know who that is.

I want to take the time to get to know myself, work with my neglected inner child, and learn what I really want from life and how to achieve that. Ideally, I’d like to take a break, an actual one. I’d like to receive a position in something related to early childhood/youth development and care while volunteering or interning at a mental health organization. I would love to seriously pursue Tosin Talks and even write a book or two. In the next year, I would like to attend graduate school to study counseling and eventually earn my counseling license. I want to make new friends, make new memories with old friends and reconnect with even older friends. I’m open to learning new things and picking up new hobbies. It’s evident that I know what I want and even have a basic idea of a plan—I don’t think I’ve lost my diligence and determination either, I’m just tired and need to recharge.

Despite this current issue I’m facing, I’m not worried or hopeless. I’m experiencing something that most people experience during early adulthood (although some won’t admit it and social media often gives inaccurate portrayals). I know things will get better, I know I’ll leave this dark room again, I know I’ll release myself from these chains again. I’ve made decisions for myself in the past which had positive results. For example, when I changed my major for myself, I started attending classes again and my grades began improving. Or when I started receiving therapy and finally healing. I just need to be patient and gentle with myself, I need to learn who I am and how to make more “me choices”. I’ve got a lot of work ahead of me but I’ll enjoy it because I actually want to do it.

I appreciate the support that you all have given me over the years; many of you have witnessed my darkest moments and now you’re witnessing my metamorphosis. I’m grateful to those of you who have been so kind to me even when I think I don’t deserve it. I wish you luck in whatever stage of human metamorphosis that you are in. Do not forget that we are ever-changing, you won’t feel this way forever. If you are stuck right now, you will be free eventually. If you don’t know at this moment, you will learn over time and know when the time is right. I hope the changes you undergo are for you and for the better.