#dismissive avoidant

You’re looking for reasons to run. You’re playing back all the bad things.

Do us a favor. Go back and just for 10 minutes, focus on the good parts. Focus on how it felt when it started.

The excitement to see them. The disappointment when you didn’t. The surprise when they showed up unexpectedly. The alone time together. The conversations. How vulnerable they trusted you to be around you. How much they lit up when they saw you. The little flutter in your stomach.

After that 10 minutes, we want you to write down what you want to say to them, that you didn’t have the courage at the time to say. Not just the angry and hurt parts. The happy parts you don’t want to admit to because you were hurt. What you want from them in order to keep going. Think if they would be willing to do it if you just communicate with them and give them the chance to see what you’re really thinking. (You can even do it on here if you feel comfortable!)

Now read what you wrote.

Thinking back…was that mistake really worth running away from?

Did they, beyond that, take the effort to make you feel like like you could comfortably be yourself? Did they try to do better when you brought up a concern, even if they stumbled and broke the illusion of perfection? Did they bring theirs up to you, and did you truly listen like you expected to be heard? Did they hold anything against you, or did you just expect them to and have a bit of panic when they didn’t, because you just “KNOW” they have to do so eventually? Did they show that you were loved by trying to improve? Did they include what you wanted into their future, even if it wasn’t exactly what they wanted or exactly what you wanted? Did they try to compromise on some things? Did they still stick by you when you said something that they were disappointed about, but altered their view a bit to include your wants, needs, and desires?

If you doubt yourself, that’s ok. Doubts happen. Just remember they may not be your past, but running from them could be running from your future. They’re not the ones who came before, but they could be the one who shows that the ones who came before were the problem, and you ran because you expected them to be the same.

Instead of acknowledging the pain they’ve caused, a person will flip the narrative by saying things like, “I’m not the problem, I’m just hurting myself. I’m too soft, too kind, too misunderstood.” It’s a way to escape accountability. By making themselves the victim, they divert attention away from the harm they’ve done. It can sound convincing, but psychologically, this is called self-serving bias, the instinct to protect your self-image at all costs. Spiritually, it’s avoidance of shadow work, the refusal to face the parts of yourself that wound others. Practically, it leaves a trail of broken trust, because those who are harmed are told their reality doesn’t matter.