We dont belong to anyone, not even ourselves.

This is for those with an avoidant attachment style (dismissive or fearful) to vent, talk about experiences or send in characters that you relate to.

This blog is run by an adult. Minors may follow and interact but be mindful and intentional with your actions.

> Also see @anxious-attachment-culture

Rules

- Open with "(dismissive/fearful) avoidant attachment culture is.." for each ask.

- Do not demean other attachment styles by making negative blanket statements about their nature e.g. "anxious attachers are always x". Avoidants go through this a lot and it does not give you the right to inflict it on others.

- You may submit asks if you only have avoidant tendencies or swing between attachment styles as long as it relates to the experience of being avoidant.

- Do not submit asks talking about avoidant partners/relationships if you are not avoidant yourself.

- You may use sign offs, they will be tagged for filing.

Information posts are here: #informative

(Not sure if questions are allowed but I think they are)

The first time someone ever called me someone with avoidant attachment was on Reddit. Specifically, on the r/nocontact sub. I sad that my parents weren’t bad people and did nothing wrong and I don’t really have much justification to leave them, but I fantasize about bolting. Up to and including fantasizing about killing the family dog so they would hate me and wouldn’t want contact with me. A commenter told me that wanting to leave perfectly healthy relationships was an avoidant attachment thing and I should work on that.

I then tried to get advice on the Reddit sub for dismissive avoidants and just wound up picking fights with everyone there. “I don’t think you understand what avoidant attachment actually is” “This post is… wild. You’re not DA, I can tell you that. This reads FA if *anything*, and even then it’s wild” “Your entire post history in most subs is a series of really concerning things that you pass off as normal, I don’t think we can actually help you”. I did not end up getting advice.

Maybe I should unfollow this blog. Considering I’m not even actually sure I’m avoidant.

Sorry if it feels like I’m rambling at you. It’s just, “stick it out for a bit longer” how much longer?

Is there a way for me to heal my attachment and not wish they were gone? Or is that not how avoidance works? What relationships or “attachments” is it even supposed to apply to?

Avoidant attachment is a term that can be used for any kind of relationship, its just more likely to be triggered by romantic relationships. I experience avoidance with my queer platonic partner and even some of my friends if they get "too" close. I also struggle a LOT to show affection towards my family and cannot/do not say things like "I love you" ever.

It does sound like you might be struggling with an avoidant attachment style, I dont think what youre describing is completely insane and I can understand how you feel.

Punishing yourself or shaming yourself for your needs is just as bad as giving into them, when you feel the need to leave people or run away tell them that you need some space and give them a time period. Then come back and engage. Do this as often as you need to.

Leaving everyone who gets close will hurt both you and others in the long run. I know its scary and overwhelming to feel tied down to people, but thats what we as humans are supposed to do. It does get easier over time, and i think you would definitely benefit from seeing a mental health professional as a neutral support system.

if so; what's the difference between a fearful avoidant who's leaning dismissive and a dismissive avoidant? I've never liked relying on others. I hate it. Unfortunately I am disabled, but I believe that if I was in a position where I could physically live very independently I would. I dislike connection that I can't easily get away from. Connection is more for physical reasons such as avoiding touch starvation or being able to play that one cool game that requires co-op. Connection just for connection weirds me out and the idea of committing to someone is awful. But one time, about two years ago, I got really attached to someone then proceeded to hurt them because it was freaking me out that I actually liked the connection (ew. why couldnt i just leave. i dont know what was wrong with me there sorry) and I honestly was very push-pull/disorganized/fearful around them which is very different from how I usually act and it was weird. so I might be a fearful who strongly leans dismissive as a form of protection? i don't know. now i avoid relationships both out of genuine discomfort and out of fear that ill become disorganized again. i like my solid worldviews thank you very much!

I wish intimacy was possible while keeping them at arm's length and disposable. Unfortunately it's not and by welcoming ""love"" into my life, I've done this to myself. I'm a fucking idiot for letting myself get gentle and soft. It's a nice pipe dream but not worth my freedom.

If you treat me as disposable then I'll treat you as even more disposable.

- person with different values than me? I hate them

- person who always wants to hang out with me so I feel obligated to wait for them all the time even though I want to go wherever I want by myself? I'm disgusted by them

- person who's similar to me in many ways? I like them but I distance myself from them because then I'll have to maintain a perfect image especially for them to like me while worrying that they'll leave me one day

- same person but they can do stuff I can't? they make me spiral and feel like shit, I hate them

- I don't even want to think about being in a friend group.

- atp I don't even know if it's because I mask my stimming and other adhd traits that would make someone dislike me

and the most ironic thing is that I want all of them to like me and talk to me, even when I can't even bother to remember their names.

This blog is for avoidant attachment style, not avoidant personality disorder which is much more serious/severe. But if anyone has any experiences feel free to chip in :)