I am not avoidant I am ignored.
Although I don’t mind being ignored by people who do not matter, sometimes it hurts. When I got admitted to the mental hospital I started to cry really loud because the pain in my mind was too unbearable, I couldn’t take it. This group of girls (including my roomate) started laughing at me.
Usually I react with anger, but I couldn’t help but repeat these thoughts that humanity is so cruel , that we as a species deserve to go extinct, that none of this matters , and we should all die. I still believe this. It doesn’t bother me all that much, but when I’m in a situation that makes my brain go on fire, it’s like i need the extinction to happen now.
I am ignored all the time, maybe it’s in my mind, I’m not sure. I’m ignored mentally. Not physically. If that makes any sort of sense. I’m never asked by people other than (some) my family , if I’m okay. It really isn’t other people’s responsibilities how I am, it still would be nice . But at the same time I get uncomfortable once talked to.
If it’s someone I’m 100% comfortable with and know, I don’t mine. Most people it’s a no and I’ll just keep it short and simple. Even my childhood best friend I’ve been uncomfortable talking to. It’s just not okay for me. I don’t feel good when I talk to people. I never get any positive emotions after talking to most people. I just feel like it’s unproductive and I just cannot deal with it.
I feel like no one wants to go to know me, but at the same time I don’t want anyone to know me. Oh , the hypocrisy, I know.
The more I think about it the more I realize things. I realize that I like the idea of people knowing me, wanting to get to know me, or perusing me. But I don’t really want that. I like having a couple of people to talk to. But I don’t like everyday chatting , or calling, or hanging out. I just don’t. I would rather hang out with my mom or brother. I don’t need to talk to people all the time. My mom (who I suspect is a schizoid) tells me when she needs to stop talking and be alone, and I do the same. It’s just how we are. And I get along with her the most out of everyone . I relate to her a lot. That’s what I wish everyone understood. I’m not mad, I just need time to myself. And although I’m in my room isolated for most of the time, I don’t think it is bad for me. I think the opposite actually.
