id go with my brother to his plans with his friends usually because our parent tells him to take me (out of pity) and then when we all hang out its either terribly awkward and stunted because im there and i have zero social skills and im boring or they exclude me and i end up third wheeling like a moron. i feel like a child whose cooler normal older sibling is forced to babysit them all the time and they hate it . i am 21 and hes 19 so his friends are all like high school kids by the way its embarrassing

they should make a medicine that makes you temporarily normal and have empathy/ social skills and youre okay to be around without the exhaustion and strain of masking and then when you get back home youre back to being a schizoid husk but you wouldnt be completely dead from the days previous social events

i feel like anyone can do limitless things for me and buy me things and show me that they love me and i matter but i dont think ill ever ever believe it. it will never be enough and i should never inflict that onto others and make their day worse. i always find a way to self sabotage any little enjoyment i can possibly feel. i just feel intrinsically like i wasnt meant to exist and im wasting everyones time. like a deformed rotting little animal that has to be brought around everywhere only simply because its a pet