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Despite being pretty sure I've never loved anyone romantically, I'm still so scared to say "I love you" to anyone, even my closest friends. It's not even for fear of being misunderstood. I'm just a loser who can't grasp the fact he's got feelings.
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My therapist and I were talking about attachment theory and how it affects sexuality, well I was reading this article on fearful-avoidant patterns with sex and intimacy and it felt like someone was just writing my biography. Like yeah that's literally how the first few months of my relationship went. Yeah I do do that. Wow I have these exact thoughts about feeling broken. Ouch. Really reading me for filth here, random psych journal.
fearful avoidant culture is letting your guard down with someone who has been consistent and safe for you to be around for half a decade, vulnerably asking them not to do something self-destructive because you care about them and it will deeply hurt you, and then instantly growing to despise them when they are unable to keep from hurting themself even though you know they're struggling and it isn't their fault because "do you have any idea how fucking hard it was for me to admit that i need you? i would never have done that for anyone else and it was terrifying and you proved me right to be afraid."
.
I lowkey learned to use my autism to mask my abandonment issues lol
I was honest in therapy once and they didn’t believe me. So now i just use my autism symptoms as an excuse for most of my meltdowns, even though they are triggered by fear of my partner leaving or rejecting me, and not sensory overload.
You know, I was pretty much at peace 💆🏽♂️ before she came along. She opened the door, I walked in, she wrecked my shit, then up and bounced like it was nothing. I have my suspicions of what it was. It became too real and she got scared. She didn’t have the emotional capacity or bandwidth to sustain a meaningful relationship and so she had to leave.
At least, that’s what I’ve concluded and I’m choosing to believe cause, damn.
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I've learned two valuable lessons today.
Someone told me being in the present moment is far more important than trying to find the right / perfect words to say when someone opens up with you a core memory of theirs.
Because this is the version of them that chose to share this moment with you. The not-perfect you.
Once that moment is gone, it will forever be gone in the past. The version of them after that moment is also gone. They've changed, they've grown. They've new beliefs, and new feelings.
So, being present with them in such moments is valuable and precious.
Honestly, the reason why I've always been trying to find the right/perfect words was because of my core emotional/abandonment wounds, being a healing Fearful-Avoidant. I don't wanna hurt them. I don't want them to leave cause I hurt them. Cause I really do love them.
(second lesson) But someone told me, you can say everything right and perfect, but they can still choose to leave.
You can say the cringiest thing, and they can still choose to stay.
And if it's Destiny, or God's Will (whichever you resonate with the most), that it's their time to leave, they will.
We can never control others' feelings.
And It's never gonna get any easier when they do. And it will hurt. After all, they did matter. You did care. You did love them.
But the experiences you've had with them, those versions of them, is now a part of who you are.
Bits and pieces of the people who have been with us and have left, are now a part of us.
The parts of them that we'd take with us forever as we move forward and continue in life.
The sad part is that people used to be scared to go on dates because they thought they weren't good enough for love. They wanted to qualify for it.
Now we live in a world where people are too afraid to go on an actual planned date because they fear love itself. Heartbreaking.
how are there even people out there with healthy relationships like what you're telling me there are people out there that get into arguments with their SOs and DONT think everything is over and that the other person hates them AND it's true that it's not over and eventually things go back to normal? nope its all a big conspiracy to trick me into believing love is real
