I can't get myself to go to the doctor. She hurt me the last time I had to go and see her and I wasn't able to find a new one, I need to go back to get my medicine refilled but every time I try I get too scared. And the more time that passes the more I get scared of being labeled a combative patient or having some sort of black mark put in my file if I try to report her but I'm not believed. I've thought about trying to tell her why I don't trust her in case I'm overreacting and she didn't even mean to hurt me, what if she doesn't even remember it? But I know that might not go well, either. I wish I could just get my medicine refilled and not have to go see her but that's not an option. It's been too long without a refill to just change doctors even if I was able to find a different provider. No one I try to talk to about it is sympathetic. No one understands the "avoidant" finds the avoiding painful. Weaponization and demonization of therapy speak, especially when it comes to personality disorders, has everyone thinking we're just evil manipulators who get what we have coming to us with our symptoms. I don't know what to do.

daily affirmations:

Being an extrovert with suspected avpd is so fucking stupid. AND AUTISM TOO 💀

questioning avpd culture is wanting help so badly but then ultimately shrinking back so far into yourself that you suffer alone and never tell or trust anyone with what you're feeling + end up isolating yourself even further from the people you know.

avpd(+npd and possible ppd) culture is feeling personality attacked whenever you get interrupted by someone or your ask is ignored by a blog or a teacher tells your table to be quiet 🥲

avpd culture is having a panic attack because of my former "safe person" (she lowkey sucked to begin with) leaving me alone in a major social situation after she basically dragged me there just because her back hurt and then immediately losing any trust in her because she didn't even apologize for it afterward