#aspdkitsune

most people on some level think that things like "being so bored it causes a level of agony that makes me want to start screaming at the top of my lungs bc. sometimes I would rather be gutted alive when people talk about personal shit that isn't related to an interest I have, because my brain just isn't capable of caring about those things, & I feel boredom more viscerally than anyone on earth.." is on some level something I choose or like. if I wanted to I could just, flip the switch that makes me start caring about all that and be normal, or I could choose to do so but because it causes me pain or I'm edgy or whatever I don't or any 5 billion other things.

like it's an incredibly horrific sensation... it makes me almost start melting down and punching myself in the face in front of them as they're doing it sometimes because it is physically painful, sometimes I would rather get a minor stab wound

but also I am in that much pain and I choose to say the things I know people want to hear inorder for them to feel like I care and I give a shit about them and have basic respect for them etc... because if they get any idea that I care so little I'm trying to not openly freakout in front of them abt how little I care, they will think I literally want them dead!