#auspd

most people on some level think that things like "being so bored it causes a level of agony that makes me want to start screaming at the top of my lungs bc. sometimes I would rather be gutted alive when people talk about personal shit that isn't related to an interest I have, because my brain just isn't capable of caring about those things, & I feel boredom more viscerally than anyone on earth.." is on some level something I choose or like. if I wanted to I could just, flip the switch that makes me start caring about all that and be normal, or I could choose to do so but because it causes me pain or I'm edgy or whatever I don't or any 5 billion other things.

like it's an incredibly horrific sensation... it makes me almost start melting down and punching myself in the face in front of them as they're doing it sometimes because it is physically painful, sometimes I would rather get a minor stab wound

but also I am in that much pain and I choose to say the things I know people want to hear inorder for them to feel like I care and I give a shit about them and have basic respect for them etc... because if they get any idea that I care so little I'm trying to not openly freakout in front of them abt how little I care, they will think I literally want them dead!

Someone telling me a story about something I have zero personal experience with? I am SO useless. Usually I refer to past situations I’ve been in so I know how the other person might be feeling and what advice I would give but when I have 0 context and I’m already bad at cognitive empathy. And I can’t even relate to how they feel or ‘feel for them’ even if they directly tell me. It’s like idk what do you want me to say. That sure is a situation. Do fuck all for all I care. Except I can’t say that, because I know people are expected to care about that stuff… and on some level, if it’s a friend, I do care—but the barrier to my understanding is so huge that I end up only caring from a, like, theoretical standpoint. Like yeah in general if my friend gets hurt I care. But also. I have no emotions regarding how you respond to this specific situation. And then my ability to engage on the topic starts to slim down to frantic attempts to engage social scripts so that I don’t show what’s going on in my head.

It’s also insane because like. I always think that I have good cognitive empathy (for an autistic person) until the end of the day. And then I drop my mask and I realise how tired I am. Or when I’m at a social gathering for a while and I use so much energy I wind up practically hiding behind a friend so nobody talks to me. And then I realise that, yeah, I might be able to use it to function to some extent, but every time I do I’m using all of these mental functions that I barely even realise I’m using anymore that it just nukes me.

Makes it a little easier to talk abt it, autism and ASPD interact in an interesting manner and the high comorbidity of ADHD with both autism and ASPD can further complicate that relation. Esp since ADHD can have symptoms in common with both autism and ASPD (autism/ADHD: sensory issues, executive dysfunction issues, stimming, time blindness, sleep problems; ADHD/ASPD: boredom, need for stimulation, anhedonia, impulsivity).