So much random stuff

Like, seriously: think about it.

By the time Optimus is running Cybertron, he probably knows all about Wheeljack’s version.

He knows that TFP Optimus was this demigod with ancient wisdom and mystical powers who was granted the Matrix by Primus himself, and that the poor guy had to carry worlds and a war on his back because of that. He had to learn how to regulate his emotions and take everything on so that no one else would have to be so burdened, and he even ended up dying or almost-dying a few times and even got his memories wiped once.

Then, he meets TFP Optimus and he’s stunned—but he also sees that relentless, unending tired.

TFA’s Optimus is already under enough stress.

He doesn’t need any mystical bullshit, okay?

And this is a guy who is just fucking done. He’s gonna be the sort of boss who smiles and acts chipper around his employees because he knows from experience that they’re trying their best but needs half of the planet’s supply of caffeinated Energon before he can deal with a twenty-minute meeting with even a single stuck-up council member and his cheeriness falls to sarcasm.

The ‘bot seems to be around his mid-twenties to early thirties based off of his behavior, and he has gifted child burnout AND got fucked-over by the system. Now, he has to deal with all of the drama and paperwork that comes with holding the reigns of a world just long enough to put some legislation in place so it won’t burn to the ground.

He just wants to be a vigilante on Earth.

He is so ready for retirement, you have no idea-

So… if the Matrix appeared to him one day while he was working in his office, please understand: it would be ridiculously validating for Optimus.

All of that talk about him not having what it took and pontifications about programming and being worthy, and the Matrix of Leadership chose him.

He’s not a screw-up or mistake.

But then, he’s gonna think about it.

He knows what the Matrix did to his alternate.

And-

He’s out of there.

He’s clocking out early.

Great work-day everyone, we’re going home.

But no, no, no—this is the call to adventure and responsibility! You can’t just “nope” that!

Well… Optimus damn well tries!

At first, he’s a little frantic—the Matrix won’t leave him alone. Everywhere he goes, that damn thing shows up—shining and beckoning him to accept the mantle of a true Prime, his destiny!

But y’know something?

If there’s one thing Optimus has learned over the course of this whole crossover series, it’s “fuck whatever anyone else tells me I have to be”. That can apply to someone like TFA’s Ultra Magnus, or even the damn Matrix of Leadership.

So, he doesn’t get scared anymore.

When that thing shows up, he’s petty.

It’s on-sight.

Everyone who knows about this is astounded by how casually Optimus will look at this glowing, mystical relic and proceed to smother it under a seat cushion to continue a conversation.

He won’t touch it.

He barely even looks at it.

He just tries to ignore it.

Certainly, some ‘bots will try to tell him that he should accept the Matrix of Leadership.

Alpha Trion may be one of them. Sentinel will probably have a dramatic reaction until he sees just how stressed his former classmate is.

But TFA’s Ratchet will be left howling with laughter while Bumblebee makes a video compilation of the greatest rejections.

And Optimus tries everything. He goes to Jazz, consults Prowl’s spirit, even asks Bulkhead if he can make a device to try and trap the thing.

No good.

So, it just becomes a part of Optimus’s life.

Wake up. Trap Matrix in the shower. Go to work. Padlock the filing cabinet to keep the Matrix in. Refuel. Tip his tray to dump the Matrix into the trash. Go home. Tell the Matrix that if it wants to stay, it needs to start paying rent. Stasis. Repeat.

Wheeljack doesn’t learn about this until he comes to visit and watches his kid open a drawer, see the Matrix, groan as it shines and beckons to him, and then slam the drawer to continue speaking.

TFP Wheeljack: Uh… Prime?

TFA Optimus: *exhausted* Don’t pay attention to it. You’ll only encourage it.

Naturally, Wheeljack’s going to be impressed but also pretty worried. I mean, a mystical artifact is pretty much stalking his kid. That’s… not good.

So, naturally, he’ll phone up the resident expert.

TFP Wheeljack: Hey, so—turns out that the Matrix exists in this reality and it’s hunting my kid. How do we make it go away?

TFP Optimus: *pretty much got sneak-attacked by the TFP Matrix* Good question.

TFP Optimus: *swipes a shelf of data-pads onto his cart* I am on my way. Whatever you do, do not let it out of your sight.

TFP Optimus never asked for any of this. The council made a decision, and then Primus just kinda threw the Matrix at him.

If TFA Optimus wants nothing to do with the mystical bullshit, that’s his choice.

And if TFP Optimus shows up while someone is trying to pressure his younger alternate, whoever that person is will definitely be getting The Look.

Of course, that person already be dealing with a pissed-off Wheeljack. That’s fun-

TFA Optimus is just visibly at the end of his rope as his elder alternate arrives. He’s leaning against a storage closet, keeping the door closed as light shines from underneath it and echoing whispers talk about destiny and responsibility.

TFA Optimus: *deadpan* Please, tell me that the world won’t end if we kill this thing.

TFP Optimus: *concerned noise*

Eventually, they either contain the TFA Matrix or they convince it to back the Hell off—and TFA Optimus can just go on living his life.

He still double-checks every time he opens a door or drawer, though. “Destiny” is calling, and he wants to sit back and let the light blink.

Let’s get to it!

…

Professor Sumdac is so psyched when Sari finds his Star Wars collection, you have no idea.

But he also does a double-take. These are aliens, they’ve actually been in space. He figures that the Autobots probably find the series inaccurate, silly.

He completely underestimates their ability to grow invested in characters and plot-lines.

Now, I’m gonna stage this Movie Night in TFA’s S1. That way, the professor can be there—and it’ll make sense with the timelines, as Prowl seems to understand it when Wheeljack makes Jedi jokes.

Prowl isn’t a “Jedi” yet, but he’s aware of his capability to learn processor-over-matter.

Okay? Okay.

And since the Professor doesn’t know where the Plant is back in S1, I’m gonna say that he set up a projector in the lobby of Sumdac Tower for this marathon.

Man’s committed. 😂

…

…

[SPOILERS]

…

…

We start with A New Hope.

Wheeljack, the resident pilot, does a little bit of complaining when he first sees the starships—pointing out little inaccuracies to be petty.

He shuts up pretty quickly as we get into the plot.

He should’ve known, as an alie veteran, to be a little more careful of something called Star Wars. This is going to be very interesting.

A desperate and outgunned rebellion.

A menacing figure leading an army to squash any hope of creating a better future for the galaxy.

A reluctant hero being trained by a wise mentor who suddenly… isn’t there anymore, in the usual sense at the very least… and then having to learn how to handle things in his own way yet right.

High stakes, laser-battles, a touch of mysticism.

These things are all very familiar.

He sees TFP Optimus in Luke, and Megatron’s never ending hunt for the Prime in Vader.

He hopes it never gets that bad for TFA Optimus, but he can see the young ‘bot in Luke too.

Now, the TFA Crew?

They see Wheeljack in Han fucking Solo.

The street-wise pilot who prefers to go his own way, speaks fluent snark and sarcasm, can be a little too pessimistic and blunt for his own good, finds a “kid” to care about more than life itself, shoots first, and gets himself into lots of trouble.

To them, the resemblance is uncanny—save for the parts in The Empire Strikes Back when he doesn’t take Leia’s “no” for an answer.

Wheeljack has respect for consent.

Besides, we all know how I write he gets when he likes someone—and it’s not that:

Wheeljack rolls his optics every time one of the TFA Crew members points to a scene and shouts “yes, Wheeljack would absolutely do that!”.

It starts getting real during the panicked call—you know, “situation normal”. That happened, though Wheeljack’ll never talk about it.

He accepts his fate by the time Han runs down a hallway, screaming as he chases Stormtroopers—only to turn and run when they start chasing him.

The “yahoo” save at the end seals the deal.

And when Han’s not being an ass about it, Wheeljack also finds it interesting that the rogue pilot falls for a rebel leader who is a lot less proper than she’s expected to be.

They’re at each other’s throats all the time, but they have each other’s backs and-

Mental shutdown. Please stand by.

The team is surprised by how dark this franchise can be. I mean, it doesn’t hold back with the war.

Right off the bat, people are being shot and killed or strangled—there’s some real violence.

And Beru and Owen got burned alive. There were burning skeletons outside their house!

That would HORRIFY these poor ‘bots!

But then, they’d also be annoyed by how C-3PO, R2-D2, and droids in general are treated.

They know they don’t have sparks, but they’re still “alive”—even if C-3PO can be annoying. He just cares so much, and then R2 is R2.

If you don’t like R2, then—I’m sorry—but I really believe that you cannot be trusted.

And yes: if they ever saw Rebels, Wheeljack would adore the unhinged murder droid that is Chopper—and if you don’t like Chopper, then we can’t be friends. 😂

Prowl kinda leans forward whenever the Force is talked about or shown on-screen. He’s fascinated, and he’s secretly wondering if he can use any of the concepts here to further his training.

He decides that Obi-Wan is his favorite, and is intrigued when the Jedi’s voice comes back.

Bumblebee’s trying to decide if his favorite character is Luke, Leia, or Chewbacca. Sorry, Wheeljack—Han is similar to you, but Bumblebee loves the young hero, the feisty princess with a blaster in hand, and the fucking Wookiee.

If you don’t like Chewbacca, you’re officially dead to me.

Bumblebee’s biggest complaint about this film is that Chewbacca and the droids didn’t get medals. He says it was “nearly perfect”, and pouts.

It’s disturbing to see Alderaan blown-up, to think about millions of people being destroyed with nothing even left of their cultural landscape.

They’re just gone in a flash.

Wheeljack just frowns, and the other ‘bots kinda wonder if he’s seen something like this for real.

And when Leia is to be tortured for information and forced to speak the truth, the Wrecker shifts uncomfortably in his seat and says nothing.

It’s early in his time in this reality, so most of his teammates don’t understand yet. Ratchet might.

Ratchet likes Han less because he’s reminded of Wheeljack, though that is a factor, and more because he’s the one talking sense when they get into bad situations. His secret favorite is R2.

Bulkhead’s trying to figure out how half of the stuff in this movie is engineered, like a planet-sized space-station and hyperdrives. Wheeljack has to talk him out of frying his own processor.

His favorite character is Chewbacca—strong and willing to have fun with it, but also sensitive. He also likes C-3PO because he worries a lot, too—and he likes that the protocol droid voices his thoughts about some of the dire situations.

Optimus is totally buying a copy of The Hero With a Thousand Faces after this one, friends. He is memorizing that Hero’s Journey by spark. 😂

Seriously though, Luke’s story of going from a farm-boy with no future to the boy who saved the Rebellion captivates him. This is one of the most famous pieces of media humanity has ever created, and they actually believe in this sort of story—that a hero can come from anywhere, not perfect but brimming with untapped potential.

That speaks to someone like Optimus.

His face lights up when Luke goes his own way in spite of protest and doubt, and he saves the day by destroying the Death Star—a space-station capable of blowing up entire planets.

And he grins when Han Solo sweeps in at the end of that final battle in order to have his back.

He can’t wait to see more.

But he does have to watch Wheeljack, since the Wrecker keeps eyeing those lightsabers.

Times the team screamed loudest: when Obi-Wan was sliced in half only to disappear and when it looked, for a minute, like R2 was dead.

…

On to The Empire Strikes Back!

Now, ain’t that an ominous title?

Well, you get what you came for!

The Empire doubles-down and the Rebels are left divided after their base is attacked.

Han and Leia are constantly bickering, and Han is under pressure to leave because he has to pay off his debts or else be hunted for life.

That doesn’t stop Han from rushing off into a blizzard to save Luke, even after being told that he could also die out in the cold.

“I’ll see you in HELL!”? Wheeljack gives off that energy, and the TFA Crew won’t hear arguments.

The same goes for “Who’s scruffy-looking?”, and they will be adopting some of Leia’s insults.

Bumblebee remains Leia’s biggest fan, and Sari has hopped onto the hype train. She is feisty and snarky and takes no shit, and they love her.

Prowl’s just enjoying seeing the Jedi and the Force, and he adds Yoda as a favorite character—not in spite of his feral energy, but including that.

You go ahead and decide what that means. 😂

Prowl just wants to lift a starship with his mind.

In all seriousness, he’s fascinated by the training and again by the concepts introduced-

Size matters not.

Without caution, you will end up in the same position as your enemy.

Sometimes, you have to let go.

Trust your instincts and feelings, but also think rationally.

You’re connected to everything around you.

However, he doesn’t really get the whole “do or do not, there is no try” thing—and while he sees the trap, he doesn’t agree with Yoda and Obi-Wan trying to convince Luke to stay while his friends are in trouble and even suffering.

Optimus is again fascinated by Luke, and how determined he is to train himself with new ideas and grow stronger as a fighter and person—and he’s intrigued by the idea that the Force is used for “knowledge and defense, never attack”. It reminds him of his views of the Allspark, that it is solely life—views that few seem to share.

It’s an intense and philosophical film, with dark undertones as we watch the Empire set a trap.

Everyone loves Lando, then hates Lando, then starts to love Lando again. It’s a cycle. 😂

And Bulkhead’s making distressed noises as C-3PO gets dismembered and Chewbacca has to struggle to try and fix the protocol droid.

Wheeljack goes tense and quiet again when everyone is imprisoned and Han is tortured.

Then, Han goes into the carbonite and-

TFA Bumblebee: First of all, saying “I know” when someone confessed that they love you? Wheeljack actually would.

TFP Wheeljack: Hey!

TFA Bumblebee: Second of all- *scream*

Yeah, nobody liked that—Wheeljack, who has awful luck with getting captured, especially.

Then, they’re too late to rescue him even after Lando betrays the Empire to help them!

And Luke shows up to help his friends, only to be confronted by Vader—who has been wanting to turn Luke to the Dark Side instead of killing him.

Vader eventually chops the young man’s hand off, and then he reveals- “I am your father.”

Professor Sumdac already had the camera out.

As Luke gets a prosthetic hand to replaced the one Vader chopped, Wheeljack watches closely.

And they hope this story has a happy end, but… apparently… they have to go back in time first.

Times the team screamed loudest: when Han was frozen and taken, when Luke lost his hand, when Vader revealed that he was Luke’s father, and when Luke was hanging off of the antenna.

…

PREQUELS..!

We start off with The Phantom Menace.

YOUNG OBI-WAN KENOBI! Prowl is thrilled that his favorite character is alive for this, and he’s intrigued by this “Qui-Gon Jinn” teaching him.

Those two Jedi have been sent to sort out a trade dispute, but the situation is much more complex than they expected as they find that the planet Naboo has been invaded by the Trade Federation and the elected Queen Amidala is being held as a hostage until she signs a document making the invasion of her planet legal. She is refusing.

So, the Jedi have to go and rescue her… meeting Jar-Jar Binks along the way (absolutely no hate to the actor)… and they escape the planet with the help of a little maintenance droid, R2-D2.

R2 becomes a companion to the Jedi, Queen Amidala (*wink*), and her staff—including her hand-maids, one of whom being a determined young woman named Padme (*wink*).

They must land on the planet Tatooine because their ship has been damaged, and they befriend a boy named Anakin—who, with his mother, has been enslaved and is currently being held by a store-owner named Watto. Anakin prides himself on his personhood as well as being able to fix anything and fly in dangerous pod-races.

The Autobots recognize the name “Anakin” as being Vader’s old name, and realize that this… sweet, innocent little kid in a horrible place… will one day be Luke’s father, and a terrible enemy.

It’s hard for them to picture.

But Wheeljack looks at them, a frown on his face, thinking about how his Megatron wasn’t alway evil. In fact, many of the former gladiator’s pre-fall beliefs were things that the Wrecker supported.

Anakin has hope that Qui-Gon is there to help the slaves of Tatooine, but the Jedi admits that he is not—though he is interested in the boy, who he finds to be strong in the Force and wishes to find a way to train in the ways of the Jedi.

This interest is increased when Anakin’s mother admits that the boy had no father, and Qui-Gon decides that the boy is from the Force.

Anakin, not knowing this, agrees to help the Jedi and the fleeing Naboo people get the parts they need by entering into a pod-race to get them the money they need for the new parts.

Behind Anakin’s back, Qui-Gon places bets with Watto—if Anakin loses the race, Watto gets the Naboo ship and the pod Anakin built. If Anakin wins, Watto gives them the parts they need and frees Anakin. Qui-Gon tries to free the boy’s mother as well, but—when he has to make a choice—he chooses to free Anakin.

Wheeljack is on the edge of his seat during the whole pod-race scene. His friends hope that he isn’t getting any ridiculous ideas…

Anakin wins. The ship is repaired, and the boy bids farewell to his mother—promising to come home and free her once he’s a Jedi.

His mother protests against this, telling her son that he should never look back.

That scene’s hard to watch.

The TFA Autobots don’t understand why some people are being considered lesser and used against their will to make others rich.

Wheeljack, born into an oppressive caste system, knows this sort of deal all too well.

Before Qui-Gon and Anakin can board the ship, they are confronted by a cloaked figure who fights Qui-Gon before they can escape.

Anakin has bonded with Padme, and they talk aboard the ship as they travel—with Anakin, shivering in the air conditioning and surrounding space after leaving his desert world, presenting her with a token that will be meant to bring the handmaiden good fortune. He misses his mom.

The Jedi, the Naboo people, and Anakin make it to the planet Coruscant—the capitol of a galaxy-wide Republic. They part ways, with the Naboo going to the Senate to plead their case while Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan take Anakin to the Jedi Temple.

There, the masters of the Jedi Council test Anakin and find him to be strong in the Force—but they insist that he’s too old to be trained, as he’s already formed attachments. The Jedi believe that his love for his mother would prove dangerous, as—while they are compassionate—they’re trained to forgo links to individuals that are strong enough to influence their actions towards anything other than what is right.

Qui-Gon opposes this and say that he will train Anakin himself, but this is opposed because he cannot have two students at once. Qui-Gon replies by saying that Obi-Wan is ready to become a Jedi Knight, which would free him to take Anakin on as his student… but wow, Obi-Wan was actually standing right there. 😅

None of the Autobots think that was cool.

Wheeljack mutters that, if you’re gonna break the rules, don’t be a coward—teach ‘em both.

He liked the Jedi better when they were weird hermits hanging out in deserts and swamps.

Eventually, since the Senate is taking too long to take action, the senator from Naboo—Sheev Palpatine—is able to convince Queen Amidala to launch a vote of no-confidence towards the chancellor so that a new one will be elected.

However, it’s still taking too long, so the Queen elects to return to Naboo and ask Jar-Jar’s people—the Gungans, who the Naboo have long feuded with—to help her reclaim the planet, since they have a standing army. Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan, and Anakin go with her with Anakin’s fate still undecided, wanting to finish what they started.

On Naboo, it’s revealed that Queen Amidala has been using a double for her safety and Padme—the true queen—forges a treaty with the Gungans, who will create a diversion for the Trade Federation’s army of droids while the Naboo overthrow the enemy with the Jedi’s help.

However, after Anakin is hidden in a ship with R2, the Jedi are separated from the Naboo by the cloaked figure—Darth Maul, who has been sent by his master Darth Sidious to facilitate the takeover of Naboo. As the Jedi duel the Sith, the Naboo liberate their planet and the Gungans win the battle after Anakin and R2 fly into space and blow up the droid control-ship, but…

It’s a duel of the fates.

Sorry.

And after they are separated from Obi-Wan, Mail fatally wounds Qui-Gon—and Obi-Wan, relying on luck and wit, manages to slice Maul in half.

He gets better. Several times.

With his dying breath, Qui-Gon tells Obi-Wan that Anakin is the “chosen one”—meant to bring balance to the Force—and that he must be trained. He makes Obi-Wan vow to do it.

As Naboo celebrates liberation and peace with the Gungans, Qui-Gon’s funeral is held. The new chancellor, Palpatine, is curious about Anakin.

And Yoda and another Jedi master, Mace Windu, note that there are always two Sith—a master and an apprentice—and wonder who was destroyed.

Times the team screamed loudest: “I’m a person and my name is Anakin”, the pod-racing scene, Maul attacking in the desert, Maul attacking on Naboo, Anakin blowing up a whole ship, Maul killing Qui-Gon, and Obi-Wan “killing” Maul.

…

Ah, Attack of the Clones!

Not the greatest acting in this one, but I blame the script and directing. This romance ain’t it.

To keep myself sane, I look at Anakin’s behavior as that of a boy who—at age nine—was taken from his mother, from a traumatic situation and into a different sort of traumatic situation, and told to control his emotions and let go.

Padme is the oldest connection he can still hold onto after being separated from his mother and having Master Qui-Gon die. Their relationship can be genuinely sweet, but it is pretty much destined to end in tragedy from the start—and not just because of Anakin’s status as a Jedi and Padme, having served her term as queen, holding a public office as a senator.

However, Attack of the Clones does make for a good mystery film as Obi-Wan investigates a plot to assassinate Padme and uncovers the brewing of a galaxy-scale war.

The Separatists, who want to leave the Republic, are building a droid army. Though most don’t know it, they are being supported from the shadows by Sith Lords—Darth Sidious and his new apprentice, a former Jedi named Count Dooku (Darth Tyranus).

The Republic, who wants to keep them, is trying to decide whether or not to build an army and go to war with them—and Padme is one of the strongest voices against this. That is why she is being targeted for death.

Sari: Why is she wearing all of that jewelry to bed?!

TFA Bumblebee: You see what she wears when she’s awake, right?

Little does Padme know that an army has already been made. While trying to find out who wants her dead, Obi-Wan finds a clone army that was supposedly ordered by a deceased Jedi Master named Sifo-Dyas—who apparently foresaw the war and wanted to be ready.

TFA Bumblebee: Droids, clones??? What’s with these identical armies?!

TFA Bulkhead: And the Stormtroopers all look the same, too!

TFA Optimus: Uh, guys? Autotroopers?

TFA Bumblebee: Oh, yeah!

TFP Wheeljack: *who was thinking of the Vehicons* Wait, what?

TFA Bulkhead: Oh, they’re just our totally identical police-force.

TFP Wheeljack: Your what?

TFA Prowl: *also confused* Our what?

TFA Ratchet: Don’t ask.

TFP Wheeljack:

But yeah, seriously: I could go on a whole rant about how unethical this whole thing is…

Anakin is protecting Padme this whole time, and engaging in a… very awkward romance.

The sand thing is played for laughs, but I get what they’re going for.

Padme associates something with joy where Anakin sees only pain, and Anakin’s trying to explain that to her.

… He’s nineteen, okay? Most nineteen year-olds can’t word right. 😅

Still, boy has to learn how to read rooms and take “no” for an answer.

It gets creepy.

Anakin has visions of his mother suffering, and—in spite of his mission to keep Padme safe—makes the decision to finally return to Tatooine so that he can rescue her. Padme comes along, and they learn that Anakin’s mother was purchased from Watto by a man named “Lars” who freed and married her.

Anakin meets his step family, including his step-brother Owen and his wife Beru, and they tell him that his mother was captured by the Tusken Raiders—who they believe have killed her, as she’s been gone for months. Anakin leaves Padme with the Lars family and goes after her, and he finds her just before she dies. Blinded by his rage, he kills the entire village of Tusken Raiders in revenge.

And Wheeljack, who has seen red with rage and ended-up with bodies at his feet in the past, gets pretty uncomfortable.

The team notices.

It’s still early, so they don’t know the story yet—but they assume it’s bad.

They receive a distress call from Obi-Wan, who has followed the bounty-Hunter Jango Fett—the template for the clone army—and his son Boba to the desert planet Geonosis, where Count Dooku has captured him. Anakin forwards the message to the council and then takes Padme to go and save his master, and…

They get captured.

But they’re able to keep themselves alive long enough for Jedi reinforcements to arrive.

And then, a lot of those Jedi die!

But they’re able to keep themselves alive long enough for Yoda to arrive with the clone army.

The clones and the droids clash, and Padme is left stranded in the desert. Anakin wants to go after her, and Obi-Wan is only able to convince him to instead come and challenge Dooku because it is what Padme would want.

Obi-Wan and Anakin face Dooku, but Obi-Wan is injured and Anakin loses his arm.

TFA Bumblebee: Why do the Skywalkers keep losing appendages?!

TFA Ratchet: Bloodline’s cursed.

TFA Prowl: Vader projected his issues onto his child.

TFA Optimus: Our Megatron got Skywalkered. Who’s next?

TFA Bulkhead: Uh, me already. Prowl sliced my servo off, remember?

TFA Ratchet: *unaware that he’s next* Oh, yeah… *blinks* You alright, kid?

TFP Wheeljack: *sitting in wide-opticed silence because he’s suddenly realizing why Miko asked “wait, he got Skywalkered?!” when told about Ultra Magnus’s servo*

Yoda arrives to protect them and chases Dooku off in an AWESOME duel… that leaves you wondering why he uses the cane (I know the lore, but it’s still funny)… and the Clone Wars begin as Jar-Jar convinces the Senate to grant Palpatine emergency powers, and the Jedi are assigned as the generals and commanders.

Anakin and Padme marry in secret.

TFP Wheeljack: Wait, wait—hold on… the droids are at the weddin’.

TFA Ratchet: Yeah, and?

TFP Wheeljack: They knew Luke’s parents! Do they know Anakin’s Vader?!

TFA Bumblebee: … OH.

TFA Bulkhead: OH!

TFP Wheeljack: They KNEW!

TFA Optimus: Maybe they don’t know that Anakin is Vader.

TFP Wheeljack: How do they not know?! They’re a fraggin ‘ package deal!

TFA Ratchet: Just watch the movie.

TFA Prowl: … Obi-Wan looked right at R2-D2 and C-3PO-

TFP Wheeljack: And Yoda and R2 fought in the swamp!

TFA Bumblebee: It was ON SIGHT!

And Obi-Wan goes on believing that Dooku was lying when he claimed that a Sith controlled the Senate, which will… not go well.

Times the team screamed loudest: when the Naboo ship blew up, when the poison worms were in Padme’s room, when Obi-Wan jumped out the window, when Anakin jumped out of the speeder, when Shmi died and Anakin murdered all of those people, when Padme nearly got boiled in metal, when Padme got scratched, when Jang Fett got decapitated in front of his ten year-old, when Padme fell out of the ship, when Obi-Wan and Anakin got hurt, and when Yoda started screaming and flipping around.

Times the team cringed hardest: every time Anakin and Padme tried flirting.

Lots of highs and lows in this one.

…

Revenge of the Sith.

This film is nothing short of a tragedy.

You get a kid—and I mean that, Anakin is only twenty-two years-old—who is under immense pressure as a general in a war that’s been going on for three years. He’s the poster-boy, the “Hero With No Fear” who is called in for every crisis.

Obi-Wan’s usually with him, but it’s a lot to put on a kid—especially since Anakin’s also dealing with the “chosen one” nonsense and hiding his secret marriage to Padme from the council because he’s trying to have it both ways, attachment and the Order, because he doesn’t want to give anything up or disappoint anyone he cares about.

Still, with pressure from the Jedi and Palpatine, the boy is not doing well—and we see him take a huge step towards falling when the chancellor orders him to kill a defenseless Count Dooku after Anakin defeats him in battle. Anakin protests, saying it’s not right, but ultimately obeys.

It’s the beginning of the end.

Padme reveals that she’s pregnant, and the reaction she and Anakin have is joy mixed with fear. They’re bringing a child into a galaxy split by war, and there are complications due to the hidden marriage. If they’re discovered, they worry that Anakin could be expelled from the Jedi Order and that Padme would lose her place in the Senate over the massive scandal.

So, the secret goes on—and Anakin starts to have nightmares about his wife.

The Autobots: *clueless about childbirth and concerned* ???

Sari: *actually eight years-old* ???

Professor Sumdac, not ready to give The Talk: *nervous sweating* Oh, dear.

Palpatine starts pulling strings.

He makes Anakin his liaison to the Jedi Council, and Anakin is disappointed when he is not named a Jedi Master as a result. He feels as though his achievements are not being recognized, and he struggles with this because he knows he is not behaving as he was taught a Jedi should.

However, when he is asked by the council to spy on the chancellor—who he considers to be a dear friend and mentor—Anakin feels as though a line has been crossed. It doesn’t help that Obi-Wan leaves Coruscant not long after this assignment to hunt down the enemy General Grievous.

Anakin is left in a state of conflict and fear without his teacher, and Palpatine springs the trap. He’s been planting seeds of doubt and distrust in the Jedi in this poor boy for years now, and this is the culmination of his efforts. He tells Anakin the truth, that he is the Sith Lord Darth Sidious—and then, he tells Anakin that only the power of the Dark Side can save Padme’s life. He offers to teach Anakin what he knows.

Anakin, feeling betrayed and confused, informs Master Windu of this—and he is asked to stay behind while the master deals with the Sith Lord, being told he will have Windu’s trust if he obeys.

That rubs Wheeljack the wrong way.

This is a kid who was pulled from his mother and has endured trauma after trauma, he was a slave and then he lost an arm and led in a war, he lost his mother and he’s lost soldiers, and he’s just acted in a compromising position and sold out a friend because it was the right thing do.

And he still doesn’t have their trust?

Palpatine came to him as a friend and mentor, spoke with gentleness and understanding, told him the truth about who he was, made him doubt the Jedi, and delivered the crucial blow: he told Anakin that only he could help him save Padme.

It’s already over.

Anakin goes to the chancellor’s office right as Windu is about to kill him, slices the Jedi’s hand off, and lets Palpatine blast him out the window.

The boy is distraught at first, lamenting at what he’s done, but he figures it’s too late to go back and succumbs. He kneels before Palpatine, who gives him a new name: Darth Vader.

Then, it’s time to… Execute Order 66.

Now, I really want you to imagine the faces of everyone on Movie Night watching this—the clone troopers turning on the Jedi, the march on the temple, the younglings, the fire. I don’t think I can appropriately put it to words, so picture it.

They’re not having a great time!

Obi-Wan and Yoda escape the massacre and return to Coruscant to deactivate a beacon and send out a warning. It’s there that they discover the greatest carnage as well as footage, and Obi-Wan is horrified to see Anakin—his best friend, his student, the boy he raised—leading the attack.

Yoda says that Obi-Wan must face Anakin, but it’s unthinkable. Still, while Yoda goes to fight Palpatine, Obi-Wan goes first to Padme for help in finding Anakin before stowing away on her ship when she goes to find her husband herself.

Anakin has been sent to the Mustafar System to kill the Separatist leaders, putting a final end to the war as Palpatine re-organizes the Republic into a galactic Empire with himself as emperor.

Yoda loses to Palpatine in their duel, and-

TFP Wheeljack: What if Kenobi had fought Palpatine and Yoda went after Anakin?

TFA Optimus: Huh?

TFP Wheeljack: Well, Yoda doesn’t beat Palpatine—but he’d probably wipe the floor with Vader.

TFA Bumblebee: But no, Anakin’s the Chosen One.

TFP Wheeljack: He’s also a twenty-somethin’ on a self-destructive power trip.

TFA Prowl: Obi-Wan will be conflicted about facing his student. Yoda might fare better.

TFP Wheeljack: And Obi-Wan got Maul.

TFA Bulkhead: But Dooku got Obi-Wan.

TFA Prowl: Then, Anakin got Dooku.

TFA Ratchet: After Dooku got his arm!

TFP Wheeljack: Anakin got both of his hands and his head! And hey, Palpatine was real careful whenever Obi-Wan was around.

TFA Prowl: He waited for Obi-Wan to leave before doubling-down on his manipulation.

TFP Wheeljack: And Obi-Wan’s death was the first ordered. Palps wanted him gone.

TFA Optimus: I don’t know if Obi-Wan could have beaten Palpatine. That’s a stretch.

TFP Wheeljack: I dunno, I’d bet on him.

Sari: … But Vader got Obi-Wan.

TFA Prowl: Only because Obi-Wan let him, to become “more powerful” than Vader could imagine.

TFP Wheeljack: Yeah, and Vader was talking like he had a score to settle.

TFA Prowl: Vader is also covered in scars and requires his suit. How did that happen?

Professor Sumdac, watching this debate: *quietly* What have I done?

Padme confronts Anakin, and she’s distraught to see how much he’s changed while he’s frustrated by her not understanding his actions. The fallen Jedi then attacks her upon seeing Obi-Wan, accusing her of betraying him and then accusing his master of turning his wife against him.

Obi-Wan confronts Anakin himself, trying to verbally beat the sense into him—but then, he ultimately decides that his student must be dealt with and that he will do what he must.

TFA Bumblebee: *looking at TFA Ratchet and TFP Wheeljack* Hey, will you beat us up if we ever turn evil?

TFP Wheeljack: *snort* Kid, you’re not gonna turn ev-

TFA Ratchet: Yes.

The Mustafar battle is INTENSE! And when it’s over, Anakin has lost his legs and his other arm, and he’s being left to burn. And then, of course, there’s that raw exchange-

“YOU WERE THE CHOSEN ONE!

You were supposed to destroy the Sith, not join them! Bring balance to the Force, not leave it in darkness!”

“I HATE YOU!”

“You were my brother, Anakin. I loved you.”

It’s a stunned silence.

Then, Bumblebee asks: “so… he didn’t want Luke to have that lightsaber when he got older? Obi-Wan just fraggin’ stole it?”

That gets several groans from the audience, followed by Wheeljack going “wait, hold on-”

Palpatine arrives to help Anakin while it is revealed that Padme is dying-

Sari: “Lost the will to live”?!

TFP Wheeljack: *shaking his head*

Sari: She was a teenage queen, a senator, constantly fighting in awesome battles—and SHE DIES OF SAD?!

TFA Prowl: Well, they had to kill her or she would have probably raised Luke.

TFA Bulkhead: And, uh… It kinda looks like she’s carrying Luke around. They couldn’t kill her in a way that hurt him.

Sari: But SAD?! She’s -like- the ONE GIRL in these movies!

TFA Bumblebee: Leia’d never do this to us. She’d have somehow stabbed Vader with his own lightsaber.

Then, it’s revealed that Padme is having twins.

And one of the twins is Luke.

The other is-

Yeah…

Padme dies while insisting that there is still good in Anakin, and the twins are separated for safety.

Leia is taken to be raised by Padme’s friend from the Senate, Bail Organa of Alderaan—who is married to the queen, Breha, so… princess.

Luke is taken to be raised by the Lars family on Tatooine while Obi-Wan keeps watch, so… farmer.

And Yoda fucks off to the swamp.

Anakin’s limbs are replaced and he is placed into a suit with a life-support system to keep him alive. Darth Vader rises with the Empire, and watches with Palpatine as construction of the Death Star begins.

Times the team screamed loudest: when the platform fell on Obi-Wan’s legs, when Mace Windu died, the entire Order 66 sequence (like, the whole thing—it didn’t stop), M U S T A F A R, the rise of Darth Vader in his iconic suit, “WAIT, THEY’RE SIBLINGS?!”

…

Finally, Return of the Jedi.

Someone needs to teach Luke how to strategize, ‘cause his plan to rescue Han sucked.

I mean, look at the stages-

Send Lando into deep cover.

Send in the droids with a message so that they are also on the inside, but they’ll have restraining bolts. Also, R2 has your lightsaber—meaning that you don’t.

Send Leia in while disguised as a bounty-hunter, and actually turn Chewbacca over to the gangsters before extorting Jabba the Hutt with a hand-grenade.

Have Leia try to free Han from the carbonite in the middle of the night even though he’s on display in the most-crowded area of this criminal party-fortress.

If this SOMEHOW goes wrong, go in yourself and talk shit to one of the most-powerful beings in the galaxy… while you don’t have your lightsaber… you’re surrounded by enemies… and he has FOUR HOSTAGES.

Luke had ages to plan and came up with this in five minutes while Leia shook her head.

The smartest part of this plan was having Lando hanging around, and part of me thinks that Lando just Did That after hearing the rest of the plan and knowing that things would go south.

TFA Bumblebee: I don’t know who Leia wants to murder more, Jabba or Luke.

Sari: Both. Both is good.

*Jabba is strangled to death*

Sari: Luke’s next.

And on top of it all-

Y’know what?

I’m just gonna get all of my jokes (about this one particular detail) out of the way right now. That way, we can take this seriously.

One:

“Somehow, I’ve always known.”

Two:

“He’s my brother.”

Alright, there we go. 😂

With Han free, most of the team returns to the Rebellion while Luke returns to Dagobah to visit Yoda like he promised to. Yoda is dying and tells Luke that he will be the last Jedi—but he also reveals to him that, if he fails to defeat Vader, there is another hope: another Skywalker, who Obi-Wan’s spirit finally confirms to be Leia.

Obi-Wan also says that, to complete his training, Luke must face Vader and defeat the Empire.

TFP Wheeljack: Wow. No pressure.

TFA Optimus: Meh. Seems like a typical mentor expectation to me.

TFP Wheeljack:

So, the team reunites and prepares to disable the remote shielding for the new Death Star so that Lando can lead the Rebel Fleet to blow it up.

The shield station is on the Forest Moon of Endor, which the team infiltrates—though Luke fears that Vader has senses his presence.

On the moon, they encounter trouble in the form of Stormtroopers and the Ewoks—an alien civilization native to the moon. They plan to eat Han, Luke, and Chewbacca until they mistake C-3PO for a god, which Luke encourages.

Luke’s a little shit.

The Ewoks agree to help, but Luke tells Leia that night that he must go to face Vader—and he also tells her that they’re siblings and that Vader is their father. Then, he goes and lets himself get captured so that he and Vader can speak.

Luke is convinced that there is still good in his father, but Vader believes that it is too late. Either Luke will fall, or he will die—but Vader is certain that he cannot come back to the light.

Luke is brought before the Emperor, who tries to push him into giving into his anger falling—first by revealing that he knows the Rebel plan and has set traps to counteract it in order to make Luke feel hopeless, then trying to get Luke to attack him. This results in Luke and Vader fighting, and Luke nearly gives into his anger and falls when Vader learns of and threatens Leia.

Luke stops, however, after he cuts one of Vader’s synthetic hands off and sees himself in his ailing father—just as he did in a vision on Dagobah. And, casting his weapon aside, he says-

“I am a Jedi, like my father before me.”

This enrages the Emperor, who attacks and tries to torture Luke to death with Force Lightning—but Vader moves, grabs the Emperor, and throws him down into the Death Star’s reactor.

This results in Vader being mortally wounded, though Luke tries to save him. Vader… Anakin… is finally at peace when he passes away.

“You were right about me. Tell your sister you were right.”

Optimus is astounded by all of this.

Luke managed to do the impossible and defeat a great evil not with great power or cunning but with kindness and hope. He moved Anakin to save himself by saving him, regaining hope in himself as a being with choices who could choose the light—his child’s life—even after spending more than half of his life in darkness.

That… really affects the Prime!

The team on the ground disables the shields, and Luke escapes the Death Star with Anakin’s body just before Lando and the Fleet blow it up.

Bumblebee, Bulkhead, and Sari can’t press enough how much they loved seeing Chewbacca in a tank, and Bee and Sari both screamed when Leia was injured and STILL managed to kick ass.

The galaxy is freed. Luke holds a lonely funeral for his father as the celebrations commence, and Leia and Han get together after a… certain misunderstanding… is finally cleared up.

And Luke smiles as he stands on the outskirts of the party, where Yoda and Obi-Wan appear as spirit. Leia joins Luke as the two ghosts are joined by a third: Anakin Skywalker, wearing his Jedi robes and looking at his children with a smile.

Times the team screamed loudest: Lando nearly falling to the sarlacc, Leia strangling Jabba, “somehow, I’ve always known”, Luke vs. Vader, “I love you”/“I know”, “I am a Jedi, like my father before me”, Vader saves Luke and kills the Emperor, the Force Ghost scene.

…

…

…

In short, the Autobots and Sari started out very skeptical and quickly became very invested.

Professor Sumdac keeps the rest of his Star Wars contact handy, especially with Prowl and Optimus being so enthralled in this galaxy and its heroes.

Wheeljack is glad that they enjoy it and he jokes about Prowl being a Jedi, but some things still hit a little too close to home for his comfort.