handbook for the soon to be deceased

She abused me and still sends me birthday cards. She used to send me big checks because she knew I wasn’t gonna cash them. Until last year when I cashed them ALL and still didn’t speak to her. Now I don’t get anything but cards without anything but her worthless fake bullshit.

helvetica happened awhile ago. late july coffee date, slippery shirt, wonderful hug. laughed a lot. helvetica seemed really at ease and we laughed the whole time. it was at the same coffee place cuz i’m autistic. helvetica is cute — has kind of a young mexican jack black thing going on. lol i should rename him nacho libre. but he’s really smart and has a fun personality. helvetica taught me that maybe i shouldn’t be killing myself over people who aren’t milking themselves over me. it’s okay to take it slow and not hurt myself. also, the blood pressure thing — it’s been real this year. i think positively about helvetica because i still actively am friends with them. if helvetica wanted a beachy sesh of grape md and smoochies, i’d say fuck yeah.

update: found out he buys dogs from a pet store and he was defensive about doing it to get the breed HE WANTED. cuz ig german shepherds are like rillyrilly rare 🙄 he also got offended by a well-meaning joke and went off on me so i never bothered texting back. vibrators are less trouble and I don’t have to pretend they’re interesting.

bye dude, see you in hel… vetica.

I wound up marrying harvey because i kept dying in the mines and waking up in his office. exposure therapy but romantic. anyway now he’s legally responsible for me.

okay but blood invasion vampire rpg absolutely understands my ass immediately.

pasty-ass white-haired vampire babe? consume the mortals objective??

little goth castle corridors???

Size 9s are wicked hard to find, and I think this is the biggest ball they make. It’s either 15.5 mm or 12 mm. I need to measure it.

I was drawn to this design because it has a high profile on the finger, and I’m into sugarloaves. This one had that same satisfying dense build and looked tough enough for daily use, and hopefully not abuse.

I got it in March 2026 and it goes great on so many fingies.

I never wanna take it off.

It was bought from a pawn shop. I have zero problems thrifting my Tiffany’s. 😀

The durability and size surprised me. It’s got this easy thin band and this impressive sphere on top.

It almost looks as if it shouldn’t work.

But it do.

ROYAL FLUSH GONE WRONG! King George II of Great Britain met his SHOCKING end on the royal commode in 1760! Palace insiders reveal His Majesty collapsed while straining on the throne, victim of a BURST AORTA! "He was found slumped over, trousers at his ankles," a horrified servant recalls. Was it the stress of ruling or just bad plumbing? Either way, George II's reign ended with one final push! Remember, folks: even kings aren't immune to toilet troubles! Long live the king... but maybe not on the loo! 👑💔

Me to my therapist: I’m looking for someone who can help me come to terms with dying.

Therapist: well we’re ALL dying 🙄

Me: if you talk like that to me again imma hang up on you. This isn’t about WE, it’s about MY ACTUAL DEATH WHICH IS PENDING. It’s not some abstract “someday we’ll all die” crap. If you don’t have the empathy understand that this is life-and-death serious, we will not be working together.

give me a day. or two. or a few. i’ll brush my teeth, eat a cookie and wash my face. maybe say ermagerd at something dumb. i’ll laugh for realz. fr. frfrfr. it’ll be quite all right.