#livedexperience

No, A note on my identity.

No, A note on identity as experienced by me.

Wait, no...

A note on how experience is Here.

Much of my experience of thinking, of feeling, of experiencing what it's like to be the way I am, the one I am, the place I am— it happens outside of the experience of language, of words, of letters, sound, grammar.

Gender, being a cove in the sea of identity, it can be scooped up in a cup, wrapped in a word, this one or that one, when it suits, when an occasion arises.

But

But tell me first in which cup the whole ocean sits, and then demand of me my words.

It's already so much that you expect my name, what else do you need from me, and how will it remain mine in your mouth.

#Gender #Identity #Agender #Nongender #PleaseGetYourTongueOutOfMyIdentityUnlessWellYouKnow;) #Please #PleaseTellMeTheresSpaceForThisYet #IllWaitLongerIfINeedTo #ButImTired #Bleh #ThisIsNotJustAboutPronounEtiquette #ButItsDefinitelyThatToo #Mentalese #Nonlinguistic

One Family

H: “Wait! Let me get both my sisters-in-law!

Your project will become so interesting if you talk to them too! 

We are one family and look at the diversity in the ways we veil!”

J: “I came into the family knowing that there would be expectations of modesty in conduct and dressing and because that’s no different from how I was raised, I had no problem adjusting. I wear western clothes when I want to and I don’t cover my hair or observe any kind of purdah. I’ve tried it. It’s not for me. I instantly felt suffocated and couldn’t breathe. I had a slight panic attack. 

I don’t like it and neither does my husband. I am so glad there is no compulsion on me to veil my hair or body. These two seem to enjoy it and advise me every now and then, but at the end of the day, it’s my choice and if the elders of the home and my husband agree with me, then that is all that matters.”

A: “I used to wear a burqa. Yes, the Afghani style one, covered from head to toe with a mesh over my eyes. To be honest, I come from a very orthodox family so it was nothing new for me. However, my husband hated it. The moment I married him and entered this family, he made me remove it. Initially I was very upset and felt naked. Eventually, we met each other halfway. I promised him I wouldn’t veil, if he would allow me to at least loosely veil my hair with a dupatta. He agreed! So now I am free to keep my hair covered. I feel more comfortable this way.”

~H, J & A

“Sometimes I accessorize with artificial flowers. See? I have so many of them.”

~Hamna

“I love these loose, silky ones that flow. I feel like a princess in them. They feel so royal.”

~H

Punjab doesn’t introduce itself slowly.

It doesn’t warm up to you with politeness or distance.

It arrives whole.

In its food. In its weather. In its people. In its rhythm.

If this resonates, the full piece is available on my website.

i’m in a weird mood.

greened last night and slept like the dead.

slept so hard my bod is draggy and stiff.

spent 30 mf dollars again this morning on non‑budget food items. yucky. bleh.

i feel guilty and mad about feeling guilty. can’t i control my fudgeing brain? wah‑wah‑wah.

post‑porphyria, somehow.

flare averted. huzzah.

rockstar today, white sugar free.

the way my bod is built is a mystery.

various issues, butttt quite all right.

office sweater because it’s cold.

work messes with my eating.

zoom job means no nugz when i’m hungry.

• colonoscopy. yes, that one. medically necessary, spiritually humbling.

• oldies shopping antics: wandering aisles, opinions about everything, chaos purchases.

• uterus jack-o-lanterning. seasonal, bodily, iconic.

• phyllis learning how to do things: cups, toys, figuring shit out. first haircut happened. survived. thrived.

• dates: pretzeldick. confectionman. helvetica (the person). all extremely different experiences.

• hotbox and the fontana f-boy saga. a whole chapter. lessons learned.