Force Adept

Then comes the day he's celebrating one of his half-sibs birthday with all the others when he's suddenly summoned out of the blue and meets not just the Justice League but his, and his half-sibs, no good soul selling biodad.

Before any of the heroes could try to thank him he grabbed his no good sperm donor and started shaking him roughly. He didn't want to kill him. That would be counted productive.

Danny: You no good piece of shit! Stop selling your children's souls you absolute Fuck nugget! Do you know how lucky my siblings are I became King before I was even 18. Do you know how many siblings I've had to save because of your bullshit!

John: I don't have kids?

Danny: Yes you do! I'm your oldest you twat waffle! I have 17 half siblings at last count! I've had to invade hell and the fae realms to save their souls you absolute fucking Dick stick!

Zatanna: Are you saying he isn't infertile?

Danny: Oh! Yes. Let's do that! He wasn't but he WILL BE!

Zatanna: I can understand how angry you but please don't break him?

Danny: If I wanted to break him. He would be broken. I've not even lightly maimed him!

Zatanna: You still might want to put him down. Before he throws up.

Danny: Urgh. Fine. I want someone to make sure he can't have any more kids. I'm sick of having to go rescue them from his bad decisions. I don't mind having siblings! Just, having to constantly save them from demons and shit.

Batman: Hm. Do any need protection?

Danny: No. Most of them moved to the palace. And they all bear my mark. Most demons have decided to not risk it.

John: I really thought I couldn't ave kids.

Danny: That's not an excuse! Your own soul is one thing. That's your bad decisions biting your own arse. No more selling kids!

John: Yeah. Fuck! Fuck! Wait. do you all have magic?

Danny: Yup! Or other species specific abilities. Only about 1/3 of us are or were human after all.

Zatanna: Only you John. Thank you for not killing him.

Danny: Fright Knight. Call the scribe. And the council.

Fright Knight: At once My King.

Danny sighed and thought of how to word what would be sent to all of the Realms. The council all have him considering looks. They knew their young King was in a foul mood. Once everyone was in the chamber he sat forward and drummed his fingers in the desk.

Danny: I have yet another half sibling who was sold by our piece of shit Father. Is there any way I can claim them pre emptively? That all souls of his children are mine?

Pandora: There is a ritual that would... Strip him of any rights to the souls of his children. But only those he has not yet sold.

Danny: Well. I will do it. That will save any not yet sold. And any not yet born.

Nocturn: Any with a contract could be traded for. If you sent out word you want them.

Danny: Yes. Ah! With a note saying I will get them. If they bring them to me freely a trade or a favour. If I have to go searching. Well.

Clockwork: Yes. Most demons and Fae would not spurn an offer of trade. And those who do?

Danny: I destroy. Once that's written up send it everywhere. Pandora? Please prepare the ritual. I have to go save my sister.

Fright Knight: My liege?

Loving the offers of trades first before force (cause its Danny he would try to be civil), he begrudgingly discovered he’s good at bartering, deals, and trades and that this talent is something he gets from his good ol’ sperm donor. (Did he hiss when one of the demon’s he made a trade with mention that to his face... maybe) 

And I love the idea of the ritual, I was thinking how Danny was going to save his not sold yet siblings souls and that is such a neat idea!

Danny as the oldest child. And strongest currently takes the place. Making it easier for him to find his siblings. And allows him to 'mark' them as his. A sort of back off Ghost King says no deal?

Danny sighed as yet another contract on a sibling he previously knew nothing about reached his desk. The ritual had allowed him to meet all the unclaimed siblings. He went out and checked their living standards. Any in a truly loving home? He introduced himself and offered any aid they wanted it needed. Any who were not? He used his claim to remove his siblings. And if they had other children them as well. The palace was quite full.

And now he had another half sister to save. Arya Constantine. 15 years old. And sold to the Spring Lord of the Fae. Well then. He would try diplomacy first of course. He was a King now. He couldn't just fight everyone and expect no push back. He has to do these things right. But, he had sent out the proclamation. So he could be a bit more forceful about it.

He summoned Fright Knight to his side and handed over the contract. His loyal Knight read it and growled. He was fond of children, and especially his King's family. Ellie was also find of their siblings. She had taken to visiting them often.

Danny: So. Did the Spring Lord not read my proclamation is the question?

Fright Knight: We shall see my Liege.

Danny: As usual. If a fight breaks out protect my sister. I am ever grateful for your help.

Fright Knight: Of course. My duty and honour is to serve. The Princess shall be safe.

Danny nodded and stood, as he did a gesture helped him form he more regal attire. For this he needed to be King Phantom. And part of that was his appearance. The usual hazmat gave way to leather trousers, a tunic covered in runic patterns, and his leather armour. Perfectly detailed and with sections of metal plating. His cloak with a fur lining finished the ensemble. The crown and ring allowed to show themselves.

He tore a portal into existence and stepped through. The guard at the gates looked startled but quickly bowed.

Guard: How shall I present you?

Fright Knight: His Majesty, High King of the Infinite Realms, Phantom, has come to discuss a deal with the Spring Lord.

The guard looked at them with wide eyes before bowing again. Then showing them in to a reception hall. The guard walked to the door and knocked, waiting for a response.

Guard: My Lord. The High King of the Infinite Realms, King Phantom has come to discuss business.

Spring Lord: Show him in.

Guard: At once My Lord!

Danny and Fright Knight both walked in when the door was opened for them. The Spring Lord nodded deeply in respect, which Danny returned with a more shallow nod. He was of a higher position. This being the others court or not.or

Spring Lord: You came to discuss business? Come let's sit.

Danny: Yes. I was wondering if you had read my latest proclamation?

Spring Lord: No. I had not yet gotten to it. Ah, here it.. I see. Arya Constantine then.

Danny: Yes. I'm sure you heard of my disagreement with the Lord of Pain? He decided to try and hide my brother from me. I much prefer to offer a trade. But I will not have them kept from me. I'm sure you understand.

Spring Lord: Yes. I see. Well. What do you offer in trade?

Danny sighed and pulled out a folder. He had already created several lists for this.

Danny: That rather depends on what you wanted a child for doesn't it? Pariah Dark's treasury was overfull even before he was locked away. It has only increased since. There are also many who freely have their own soul that I am willing to trade.

He handed the folder over. Allowing the Fae in front of him to peruse it at his leisure. Hopefully this would make the rounds. Which should increase his chances of other coming forward of their own free will. As the list was... Substantial is took a while for the Lord to choose. But he did finally make his choice.

Spring Lord: These two souls and the defensive artefacts would suit the use I had in mind for your sister.

Danny nodded and pulled with his power. The two souls were powerful. Both mages in life who has traded for more power. The artefacts likewise we're powerful. But Danny felt no need for these items. And he would happily empty the treasury to free his siblings.

Spring Lord: You didn't even attempt to bargain. They truly mean more to you than any treasure. Despite you not knowing of them?

Danny: They are my kin. Our Father may be worthless. But they are not at fault for that. I am glad we could come to an accord so swiftly.

The Lord nodded, respect clear in his gaze. He stood and called for Arya to be brought to them. She was unharmed, which Danny was relieved to see. She looked wary, but not fearful. Another relief. The Lord walked over and removed his claim from her soul.

Spring Lord: You are apparently not the eldest child of John Constantine. Your eldest brother has attained a high position. And has paid for your freedom.

Arya: Truly? Who? May I meet him?

Spring Lord: Arya, meet High King Phantom. Your brother paid a high price for your freedom. He didn't even attempt to bargain.

Danny snorted in amusement. He smiled softly at his sister. Forgot Knight, ever the loyal being bowed deeply to her.

Danny: I would wage war for my kin. I am sorry I didn't know about you before sister. This is my most loyal Knight. The embodiment of Halloween. He has been protecting our other siblings when I am busy. No item in my treasury would be worth more than your safety.

Arya smiled at him, and ran over to take his hand. Danny offered her a hug, and she melted into his embrace. Danny looked over at the Lord and nodded again.

Danny: If you ever wish to make a trade, you know where to find me.

Spring Lord: I will keep that in mind. I have two new mages to put through their paces. If your Father offer another deal I'm sure I can find a way to make it hurt for him!

Arya and Danny grinned at that. Danny led his sister along with him. Fright Knight at her other side. She gasped as her tore a portal into existence. Arts looked around the grounds in awe. Danny always brought new visitors to the garden first. It was a great sight. Danny slumped after the portal closed. He no longer needed the courtly mask.

His clothes shifted to something more comfortable and he watched his sister happily. Arts turned and saw his new outfit, an old nasa shirt with jeans and giggled.

Danny: I might have to play dress up when doing politics. But I don't at home! Do, so you have a place you want to return to? You don't have to! You will always have a home here! But, if you have a family you miss?

Danny let out a small oof as Arya hugged him tightly. He wrapped her in a hug and felt her begin to cry. He would have panicked, if he couldn't feel her relief.

Arya: Mom.. Mom died. And her parents hate me. I really have a home here?

Danny: As long as you want. Our sperm donor have us lots of siblings. And quite a few love here. We have a few in different realms. If they had a good family. I left them with protection. And offered money or food or whatever to help. And we visit. But. anyone with a bad family? I brought them here.

She squeezed him even tighter hearing that. Her big brother (and how wild was that?!) Really cares about them. He hasn't even known about her! And he still cared! More than her Mom's family ever had! He even paid to get her freedom!

Arya: What did you even give him to get me free?

Danny: Two souls and seven artefacts.

Arya: Souls?

Danny: The last King took them as payment for stuff. I freed all the souls of people sacrificed. All the kids and victims. But anyone who sold their own soul? Mostly the worst kind of people. So I use them to trade with entities who do use souls.

Arya: OH! That's ok then! Was it a lot? To pay for one soul? For just me?

Fright Knight cleared his throat and looks at Arya sternly.

Fright Knight: You are a Princess of the Infinite Realms. Our King would have gladly paid more to free you.

She flushed hearing that, especially as Danny chuckled and nodded.

Danny: Fright Knight is correct you know? Would you like to meet our siblings? And uh, their siblings?

Arya grinned at him. Yes, she would. This was... amazing. She would be safe. And she was pretty sure her new big brother was a total softy. She got the feeling puppy dog eyes would get her whatever she wanted. Which for now was affection. And possibly cookies.

Danny groaned seeing the familiar mischief dancing in her eyes. Every single one of them! He grinned ruefully at his sister and led her to the family apartments. He could hear the chaos from here. But then, given how many siblings they had, and all the added family members? If course it was chaos.

The doors opened and everyone looked over. Seeing a new girl following Danny they all waited for an introduction.

Danny: This is Arya. I managed to buy her freedom, so no new war! Yay! She's going to join us here.

Arya: Wow! There's so many of us!

Danny: To be fair, a lot of our siblings have siblings from their other parent. And you've already realised I'm a soft touch!

His King and the Royal siblings will not have to deal with him at all. Unless they wish to of course. At which point he shall stand aside and watch! The Royal siblings bring a new light to the Realms. They are of many different backgrounds and species. Only a few are fully human. And they will all be imbued with the power of the Realms now they live here.

Queen Dorathea and Lady Pandora are acting as a Motherly influence, while Frostbite has taken the Fatherly one. Clockwork switches between a chaotic playmate and wise Grandfather as suits his mood.

The new King has brought stability and balance. And his siblings bring light and hope. Fright Knight will guard them well. He also enjoys training them in the arts of war. Several of them are talented, and are working to become skilled with their talent. They all work hard. The King reaching out a hand to aid them is being returned in full. His siblings are training to take positions in his court.

Unfortunately for him. None of his kids know he doesn't know about them. He would agree to the ritual, but he doesn't need to. When he finds out? He'd absolutely crawl into a bottle for a few weeks. Agonize about whether he should/could apologise. Just, so much angst on his side.

Thankfully Danny isn't vengeful. Petty and prone to being a dick? Yes. But actually hunt the man down and harm him. Not so much. A solid punch or shaking session is about as far as he would go. He's still reasonable after all. Suggest he get snipped to. Probably snidely, but he would accept John didn't know. He's just mock him for being an idiot.

most weren't in the same universe... now they are

During the meeting where this is revealed most turn to Batman, they need a countermeasure!

Danny would of course welcome Captain Marvel. He could give them great insight into magic! Wait. Why are you a child? Do you also need a home? You can live here! Portals are a thing. We have the room! Christ, look how skinny you are! You need feeding up!

Whay, no all of you stop laughing, how is this funny? He's a homeless tenn, of course we should help him! Adoption problem? Who said anything about adoption? It's just the right thing to do!

It puts him in a weird theoretical situation where he’s in a room with all his offspring, and he has to get to know them. In a “once you name them, you start getting attached” sort of way. Learns their hobbies and likes and names and they’re all actually sweet kids even if several of them aren’t entirely human. He’s surprised at how not-nightmare-ish this is. He starts to actually care about them.

Danny: Fright Knight, you broke him. I didn't want you to break him.

Fright Knight: He endangered your siblings my King.

Danny: Through ignorance yes. And we are all rightfully angry. But this was too far. Take him to the healers please.

Fright Knight of course doesn't feel bad. He was simply doing his job. But his King gave him a command, and it will be followed. John gets dropped at the healing halls, who promptly sedate him. A spell is laid so he won't dream, and can actually rest.

Danny goes off to find his siblings. They all deserve to know what happened. And he should send a message to the Justice League. They will need to know what happened. His siblings need to know that they are not obliged to help their donor in any way. They do not have to forgive him. They don't even have to see him. But he will be around until he is stable. Because Fright Knight stabbed him. And it broke him a bit.

Danny sends a note requesting a meeting with the Justice League. Who set a time. Danny sighs as he gets ready. This is not going to be fun. He wears a less ostentatious royal outfit. He is not trying to scare them after all. But he still has to maintain the look. He steps through a portal and nods to the assembled heroes.

Batman: You requested a meeting?

Danny: Yes. My... Father... Decided to visit the Realms. Unfortunately for him, he came across my Royal Guard first. Fright Knight is, overzealous. And angry on behalf of my siblings. John got trapped in a nightmare realm for some time. He is currently unavailable.

Batman: What exactly happened?

Danny: I dont know. The nightmare realms is unique to each victim. Mine was seeing all those I loved die by my own hand. John is... He was sobbing, and apologising. I had my healers sedate him for now.

Batman: I see.

Superman: Will you bring him back to our dimension?

Danny: As it was my guard who caused this, I should be the one to see to his healing. Unless you think that would be counter productive?

Wonder Woman: That is kind of you King Phantom. Was there another reason for this visit?

Danny: I know John is one of your magic specialists? Him being out of order, could be problematic? As recompense for Fright Knight, and his actions. I offer my aid If you need it.

Batman: And how do we contact you?

Danny: The other reason I am here. I can imbue technology with ectoplasm. It will allow the device to contact any other similarly imbued device. Even across dimensions. Once that is done I can give you my number.

Batman: Could you do this to our coms as well?

Danny: Of course. Is this acceptable? I will of course keep you updated on John. And you are free to visit him as he recovers if he allows it.

Wonder Woman: This is acceptable your Majesty. Many would not offer even half this much.

Danny: Well. I am a protector spirit. Helping others is in my very nature. Does anyone know why he tried to visit the keep?

Zatanna: Not directly.... But, I know he has been full of guilt and regret since he learned of you and your siblings. I suspect he wanted to let you take your pound of flesh.

Danny sighed and shook his head. Of all the bloody stupid....

Danny: Seems I come by my impulsive side honestly then? If all the fool... Does he have no sense of self preservation? No don't answer that. What devices am I playing with?

....

Danny: I owe you so many cookies.

Jazz: ... Yes you do. What prompted this realisation?

Danny: Well you know how I recently met my bio dad?

Jazz: ... Go on.

Danny: So he thought he was infertile. And that the clause would be safe. Get out of jail free deal.

Jazz: I see.

Danny: Once that proved to be false. Well..... He got a case of the guilts. Opened a portal to the palace and Frighty got him with Soul Shredder.

Jazz: He's currently catatonic then?

Danny: Yup. Seems I come by my recklessness honestly! But yeah. It's a bit of a headache. Given that he's one of the Justice League's magic specialists. So guess who gets to clean that up.

Jazz: Ah. Realised how many migraines you caused me huh?

Danny: All the cookies. And a holiday, all paid. Oh! I found a new sister the other day by the way. The Spring Lord was very happy to make an exchange in good faith.

Jazz: I'll come visit soon then little brother. Seems like your bio dad might need me anyway.

Well.

It gets a gremlin to THINKIN'(tm).

Why... why WAS he so certain? In the face of Magic and Reality Fuckery, gods and monsters, that... what? Getting snipped? Some accident in his youth? SOMETHING was ABSOLUTELY no questions, no need to ever think about it or look in to it, 10000 percent guaranteed to insurer No Babies for the John Constantine.

Enough he was willing to literally stake infant souls on it.

He'd of have to have been REAL damn certain. Certain in the way of "sun rises that way, fire burns, gravity exsists" Certain. Immutable FACT. Unchangeable.

......In THIS world? Doing what HE does for a living?

He was CERTAIN.

No biological children. Not by siring them. Not by magical gender change and BIRTHING them. Not by cloning. Not by molding from clay and breathing to life or other such rituals. Not from another form we have thought of because you have RUN INTO IT YET.

There is NO way, you, John Constantine, could have a child? As a SUPERHERO?

...................and, humor us here, WHERE exactly did you get this idea? Because hypothetically, if I wanted my enemy to slip up and pop off a kid? Convincing him it's not possible would be a REALLY clever first step to doing that.

Because there IS a guilty party here. A malicious actor. One man does not MISS this many of his own kids, when he is ALSO well known for keep TABS on all his Exs. You know, lest they stab him or something. So why the complete blindness to ONLY the ones who got pregnant huh? The unwavering belief in his childless status?

Why did he NEVER, dispite endless hook ups, go to medical? It was free. Down the hall.

Some little voice tell you you don't NEED too? Nothing to see? Nothing to know?

The Constantine bloodline just Wants To Talk :)

How do you get blood from a human source consensually, without attracting negative attention?

Trendy high end spa.

Advertise a revitalizing blood detox facial. Spas are always doing these kinds of wacky treatments. It’s gimmicky and attention grabbing enough to draw in the upper class. Vampire gets daily blood, and the “victims” pay large amounts of money to give it to them. Spa is highly praised for its luxurious and unique services and draws in more customers

While I assume that some of the laboratory technology has improved over the years, if you are in an environment where drinking from blood bags is sufficient for the vampires to survive, this presumes a couple of things:

One, blood does not have to be fresh from the human in order to be nutritious for the vampire

Two, the anticoagulation and other processes and chemicals inherent to the blood bags are not harmful to vampires

Three, the spinning down and splitting of blood into its component parts does not strip the blood of its nutrition, and in general bags of whole red blood cells are probably sufficient. There could be an argument that you also need to steal the platelets and plasma, but in any case a donation of whole blood is a sufficient meal for a vampire one way or another.

Four, given that we don’t see vampires checking the date on these blood bags, and especially in the RPGs you can steal whatever you want right out of the refrigerator and it doesn’t matter, we can presume that the blood continues to be good for the vampire as long as it is also good for transfusion into a human.

Given these presumptions, there are reasonably ethical ways to get your blood from a volunteer donation blood bank.

There are a number of ways that units can be spoiled right out of the gate. If you don’t donate enough blood, if it’s a bad stick or you just clot too fast, your blood bags can be too light (we measure blood by weight when you are drawing it) to qualify for human transfusion. Combining multiple of these bags that would otherwise be thrown away into a single unit could be a meal for a vampire without taking any blood out of the system that is intended for medical use.

Expired blood is dated well within the margin of error for the blood actually going bad in any real sense of the word. Obviously you want to make sure that anything set for human transfusion will be 100% ready 100% of the time. For a unit that expires in 30 days, it will likely be sort of past the sell-by date but still edible and likely still consumable by vampires. While many of those expired units are autoclaved, packaged, and sent off to pharmaceutical research facilities for use in testing and the like, there are other ways for those companies to get that blood, so pulling from the pipeline just after expiration date would almost certainly be an ethical thing to do and not harm anyone. This was the place in the process where the tracking of the blood goes from specifically tracking the serial number on each individual unit to simply counting the total number of units in a box. If you had someone on the inside who could fudge a few numbers for you and make sure the QC folks didn’t triple check your work, you could sneak blood out this way without causing any alarm.

Lots of people bag their own blood and do directed donations. Sometimes they want it for specific Medical procedures, sometimes they want it just in case, like if they have a particularly rare blood type and want to make sure if they’re ever in an accident they have a perfect match for their own blood. This blood is often kept Frozen and with a much longer expiration date than your average unit. If you had some individuals who you trusted to regularly donate blood for you specifically, you could likely get away with that and create a fake private Clinic that would purchase those specific directed donation units which were never in the main stream of blood donation. You could also pay someone on the inside to let you know when someone with banked blood has died, and you could get a bunch of Frozen blood in one go.

Here, let them tell you about it:

Les: You’re stealing blood from your human tenants and, what, bathing in it? Maggie: This is why we try to keep it quiet! People always make such assumptions. We own Georgetown free and clear, so we don’t have mortgages to worry about. The property tax is easily taken care of by the business leases– Onyx: It would be extremely rude to demand blood rent from a restaurant. Maggie: –which means that we don’t need to charge astronomical fees for apartment and artists rentals. When people move in they can either choose to pay an extremely affordable cash rent or they can pay in half a pint of blood a month, or a pint every two months. Onyx: Some of the derby girls choose the latter so they can better schedule their rent payments around bouts, you know. Maggie: We only require blood from consenting adults on the lease, not on children living with their parents, and it’s important that everyone stay healthy so we have multiple free clinics to provide healthcare to our tenants. The surplus blood gets processed, preserved, and sold to other vampire communities. We’re the top supplier of ethically sourced human blood in the country. Onyx: Most people who move in choose the blood rent freely. We’re not forcing anyone into anything, we’re offering an option that’s better than any competitive rental. Les: Damn, that does sound good. Do you offer office space? Maggie: Email our admin, she can check our availability for you. Les: Thanks, I will. Isabella: Low income housing, historic buildings, prime location off I-5, somehow still no grocery store… Condo developers must hate you. Onyx: Oh, they sure do. Maggie: I’m pretty sure they want us dead… Again.

Tell me you wouldn’t pay blood rent in order to get an affordable apartment and free healthcare.

enemy in the end was

capitalism!)

before it was like, "what a horrifying thing to do to a human being! to take away their autonomy and privacy, all for the sake of profits! to create fake scenarios for them to react to, just to retain viewership! to ruin their happiness just so some corporate entity could harvest money from their very humanity! how could anyone do something so evil?"

agshjfsj you know what? sure. I can do this from an in-universe perspective too

for anyone too young to know this: watching The Truman Show is a vastly different experience now, compared to when it was on air.

firstly, you'd better hope it stays up on amazon prime, because it aired 24/7 for multiple decades, so the size of it is astronomical. there's a reason the other streaming services dropped it - the server costs alone are ridiculous. but even on prime there are ad breaks in it that it never used to have, because back then all the advertising was product placement, but modern advertisers want mid-roll ads, and they really break up some of the most emotional moments imo.

(and don't get me started on the music licensing btw - all of the changes are bad, but the song swap in episode 9775 killed me dead. awful)

not to mention that the vhs, laserdisc, dvd, and blu-ray releases have been out of print for years. and if you want to try torrenting it, to get it in even barely decent quality you're gonna need at least 300TB of free space, and that's not including the deleted scenes and director's commentary tracks, which are a whole other thing.

secondly, everyone has this parasocial thing where they feel like they grew up with Truman, because their mom kept it on in the house when they were a kid or w/e, and we need to just. get over it. I mean, he's just a guy. you're not special for liking him; everyone likes him.

like, some of you guys are worse about this than you were with Steve from Blue's Clues, and that's saying something. you've gotta move on.

and people need to be nicer to the actors who played his friends and family, too. like I know the ones who were adults at the start have a lot to answer for, but the kids were pushed into this by the industry just like he was! and they don't deserve to be cancelled on twitter just because their dad got them into acting as a 3yo or w/e. like. come on.

thirdly, because of the way the show ended, we need to actually address the fact that we don't know what happened to him? like, Truman wasn't some actor who quit, he was lied to about his whole life, and now nobody knows where he is! and after the SAG-AFTRA strike when the crew and extras were fighting to get paid for the work they did on that show, did fucking anybody think about Truman? if anyone's owed residuals, it's that guy.

I just feel like nobody's taking it seriously that he's not a celebrity? he's a kid who got shoved into a machine, and after what happened to him, it'd be completely fine if he never showed his face in public again.

(though personally, I want him to just so he can sue the shit out of everyone involved in his upbringing. but that's just me.)

anyway on a fandom level, if you want to help, the Truman Archival Project is looking for some eps that were lost due to corruption, and some scenes that got cut later. there's a list on the wiki, but there are a lot of gaps and old tape formats that need converting, so if you can help, go do that!

and Truman, if you're out there - I hope you're living a good life. whatever comfort and entertainment you bring to people really means nothing compared to the value of you getting to live a normal life. I hope you're having a good time, wherever you are.

when it comes down to it, what was done to you was awful. nobody deserves to have their most private moments shown to millions of people without their consent.

And the sweet perfect mother of the story comes to the riverbank, sees that all her children drowned, and starts crying so bitterly that angels overhear her, and the angels say to each other, "she does not deserve this, this woman has never done anything wrong in her life, this should not have happened to her", and feeling great pity for her, bring her children back to life, and after that they always listened to their mother and lived happily ever after.

And the storyteller's children, who at this point are familiar with the concept that these stories are supposed to have some sort of a moral or lesson in them, interject to point out that their mother hasn't always done everything perfectly, she isn't always sweet, curses a lot, and as a matter of fact loses her shit at her kids all the time. She isn't like the mother of the story at all.

“Go get me the thicc boi”

“You mean the Erlenmeyer flask?”

“No, the sexy one”

“Volumetric flask.”

“Can you hand me the box with the static dischargers?”

Anakin, who knows for a fact that Obi-Wan is sleeping with his Commander, a good chunk of Ghost company, the Organas and Quinlan Vos: ...where is he finding the fucking time???

Palpatine, oblivious: Oh I've heard from some very reliable sources that-

Anakin: *pulls out a spexcel spreadsheet, the 3rd System Army's shared spoogle calender and a calculator*

Hmm-

Okay, I don’t actually read mainline cape comics, so this is from a butchered understanding of what they’re like from childhood cartoons and hollywood and internet osmosis

But, like,

-The main protagonists are obviously the actual heroes. New Wave and Miss Militia and Armsmaster and Dauntless and the Wards as a group, probably. Maybe with Shadow Stalker as the requisite distrusted vigilante heroine.

-The sheer number of supervillains in the city comes down to needing to give everyone a nemises and a bit of a rogues gallery, ofc. This is never really examined, and despite the sheer number of disposable henchmen and high-tech mercs and neo-nazis per capita and everything the Bay’s mostly portrayed as a pretty nice place, with most civilian life scenes being on the boardwalk or downtown, or in the very nice PRT bases

-Piggot’s a stern but genuinely well-meaning authority figure who mostly exists for the protagonists to go behind the back of when they need to break the rules and save the day

-‘The Empire’ aren’t explicitly nazis at all, just a general supervillain syndicate that happens to be led by a blonde german guy going by Kaiser with two valkyrie bodyguards

-The Undersiders (along with Uber and Leet, Chariot, the Travellers, possibly the Merchants) are the Wards designated foils, though they might all be independent villains or only sometimes working together. They are massively popular fan favorites, and never that evil, so they/Skitter in particular eventually get an incredibly successful series starring them and the whole Harley Quin vaguely-sauntering-towards-redemption treatment.

-Lisa’s actually psychic.

-The ABB and Coil are basically the exact same, just with no thought of the actual money-generating crime they do or drugging 12 year olds or fate-worse-than-death-bomb-terrorism or anything. But, like, just the concepts but pg-13 are perfect 4-color villains anyway.

-The Slaughterhouse 9 (need a different name) and the Endbringers are actually the rogues gallery for the Triumvirate series, and only brush against Brockton Bay as a crossover event or a cameo-filled backdrop for a fight scene in their books, in either case no consequences from it that last past the end of the issue.

-Dragon’s cover story of being an agoraphobe who interacts with the world through her mechs is just actually true.

-Cauldron isn’t a thing, sometimes having superpowers just makes you a weird monster.

-Scion is an incredibly generic superman clone no one can think of anything interesting to do with so he just kind of shows up in big events, the whole ‘spends 99% of his time flying in a random direction saving hikers from mudslides and getting cats out of trees’ thing starts as a fan joke about why he hasn’t solved the problem of the day on his own.

#i think they could still have cauldron be a thing#maybe just not focus to much on the worst stuff they do#and have them be clear antagonists#also sveta didn’t kill people#she just caused property damage 

No actually you are 100% right. Cauldron (which definitely involved an actual witch’s cauldron at some point) is absolutely a nefarious vaguely government-ish conspiracy run by Doctor Mother (the name already fits tbh), who turns innocent civilians into horrible monsters for…reasons. The Custodian (who looks like standard comic book hot girl but vaguely translucent and with an after-image effect) and The Slug are her two recurring lackies, on top of all the random monsters-of-the-issue that get thrown at the heroes.

The Number Man is unrelated, and actually a supervillain banker who ends up filling a sort of Kingpin role a lot of the time, the secret financial mastermind of organized crime. Being able to fight the triumvirate head to head bc Math sounds about right for silver age stuff anyway.

Dragon exists roughly as she did in canon, having been introduced in the 70s or 80s as a steadfast B-lister who slides on and off the current protectorate lineup based on editorial whims. Her first ten years in publication haver her playing will-they-or-won’t-they with Armsmaster while grappling with the question of how open she can be about her status as an AI; eventually things with Armsmaster settle into a comfortable orbit where the Fans and most of the writers take the OTP as a given even if it never resolves for editorial reasons. Her restriction on breaking the law is kept in place and used as a major storytelling gimmick where she has to constantly come up with workarounds for byzantine legal blocks without it being obvious that she literally can’t ignore the law; the writers get sick of this and find a way to ditch it a few years in, but it’s probably used in a couple Very Special Issues (non CCA approved!) to highlight a social injustice that she’s literally incapable of redressing. She’s frequently the first team member trashed in a crisis event because she’s easily rebuilt; eventually, this is used to shelve her for editorial reasons for eight years or so, after which the character is written as much more distrustful of whether her teammates see her as a person. The writers embrace her forking ability and use it to create spin-off characters and family members, eventually leading to a situation where every AI superhero and villian in the setting refers to Richter as “Granddad,” similar to how most AI in Marvel are considered Hank Pym’s children or Grandchildren.

Somer’s Rock gets a ton more focus as a neutral meeting ground and general hangout for the villain community, possibly getting folded into Palanquin conceptually with Faultline providing the meeting ground. There are a lot more scenes of the more palatable villains shooting the shit, lampshading the latest cosmic weirdness, or talking about how the latest new villian has just gone too far, man, we used to just rob banks, what happened to that? There’s at least one scene where they’re all watching some invasion unfold on TV, at which point someone smashes a bottle to get everyone’s attention, starts yelling about how nobody gets to fuck up the heroes but them, and then there’s a sequence where all the villains roll out and demonstrate how terrifying they’d be to fight if they didn’t like and respect the heroes on some level.

The Merchants are an aggregate of silver-age camp gimmick villains who banded together to try and be taken seriously; Skidmark being a gag villain who used his power to make cops slide around, Squealer having all her crimes be fast-and-furious style car-themed crimes, etc. The widespread lack of respect isn’t because they’re uniquely vile, but because they barely do enough crime to qualify as villains at all. Potentially, Skidmark’s over-the-top presentation, slapstick-heavy hijinks, and surprisingly shrewd leadership is endearing enough that he winds up getting the Deadpool treatment; he’s an obnoxious nightmare who nonetheless keeps proving useful enough that the heroes put up with him when he and his crew show up to try and do something useful.

Empire 88 isn’t an explicitly Nazi organization, instead being a “Big Tent“ Fascist organization directly descended from Nazis who came over during Paperclip and tried to rebrand, a la Hydra. They’re one of the biggest and most persistent threats in the setting specifically because Max Anders is super good at working the system and maintaining plausible deniability, but there’s a super obvious tension between his attempts to distance the movement from Nazis and the fact that most of his subordinates are really, really obviously Nazis. At some point, there’s probably an arc where Kaiser runs for president and wins, or an arc about how the protectorate is riddled with E88 moles to the point that there’s no functional difference, and the Protectorate shatters into a horde of anti-authoritarian resistance cells.

Uber and Leet simply do not change; Wildbow really had his finger on the pulse with those two, and there is in fact a Spider-man villian called Screwball with a really similar shtick. 

The Traveller’s interdimensionality is played up and made vocational; Brockton Bay and Earth Bet are one of many earths they drift between on their crime sprees, and the team is often used as a point of entry for alternate universe versions of the main cast.

Cauldron Exists as an Anti-Scion organization, as in Canon; crucially, they’re wrong about the threat he poses. Kevin Norton got through to what was essentially a blank slate, built by Eden to act as her legbreaker but never invested with a real sense of purpose or personality before she was killed. Scion stories take their cues from versions of the superman mythos where Krypton was an aggressive imperial power; thematically they’re  largely centered on the question of how to do good when rooted in such evil, and being the rootless black sheep of the broader entity population. His rogues gallery consists largely of other entities/avatars coming to check in on Eden’s science project, all of whom work in practice as  Mxyzptlk/Darkseid/Zod figures.

Heartbreaker has his origins as a Silver age gentleman cad sort of villian who uses his emotional manipulation powers to scam his way into the hearts and wallets of rich young socialites. Regent, Chastity and the rest of the Heartbroken are introduced in the eighties and nineties by a Claremont or Bendis-type writer who wants to unpack how utterly fucked up the original character concept was.

Legend is created in the 40s or 50s by closeted creators, essentially as a dare to see how obviously queer-coded they can make a hero before the CCA brings the hammer down. His storytelling niche is that he’s got a laser for every occasion and the ability to talk anyone down and become their friend, Steven Universe style.  He’s frequently on the receiving end of attempts to ward off the gay talk by giving him forced female love interests, a la Batwoman; unless I can think of a better niche, this may be the editorial origin of Alexandria, who’s also written as a cynical but well-meaning sourpuss to act as a foil. The permanent death of Hero in the 80s is widely speculated to have been editorially mandated because he and Legend had too much romantic chemistry. When he finally comes out of the closet and gets hitched in 2006, it’s a mini crisis event where every superhero in attendance has to fight off every supervillain who’re pissed that they didn’t get an invite, which ends with Legend talking everyone down and inviting them all to the afterparty.

Hero’s permadeath holds a similar position to the death of Captain Marvel, in that he’s the one hero that actually gets to stay dead, and he gets the Gwen Stacy treatment Ad Nauseam. A variant of Hero from a timeline where someone else took his serum occasionally pokes her head in.

Eidolon starts out in the 1940s and 50s as a Golden-age hero whose brokenness is part of the character conceit; he’s likely a Shazam, Spectre or Dr. Fate style figure who took up a mantle, with his power is rooted in his mask or something else extrinsic to his person. In the modern day he has basically the same arc as canon, filling the Alan Scott “Old Curmudgeon mentoring the younger generation” role, until he inevitably passes his mask to a successor cape.

Accord started as a bog-standard Dr. Doom sort who had his sympathetic backstory and goals appended later; he’s the subject of constant out-of-universe debates about how cool he’s supposed to be taken as.

New Wave starts off in the fifties as a last-ditch attempt to launch a workable superhero thing within the romance/comedy/western bubble of the interregnum period. It falls somewhere in the orbit of Power Pack  or Fantastic Four, with a focus on slice-of-life sibling/cousin antics and an artistic bent reminiscent of Archie. Later stories start to gently poke at Carol and Mark’s deficiencies as parents and people, a la Fantastic Four, and dig more seriously into the idea that Victorias endless, comical failures to set Amy up are due to Amy not being straight. Canon Guts-and-Glory subplot later gets adapted wholesale in a Riverdale-style tone-deaf bid at relevance, and gets absolutely torn apart by critics and fans  as homophobic and poorly conceived. 

Genshin Impact x Honkai Star Rail

(*in whatever language is usually spoken in your region. something you speak and understand)