Space Time Conundrum

Tommy gets his license and he and Buck go on long car rides, just an excuse for both of them to get out of their respective homes.  They talk about Tommy's favorite places he's ever lived, about the places Buck wants to go when he leaves Hershey, all the dumb and impractical plans teenagers make when they're desperate to escape.  It's the best summer of their lives.

Then it's back to school and Tommy is a senior.  He gets a girlfriend who he takes to homecoming, and Buck is insane with jealousy, but Tommy is like she's just a girl who happens to be my friend, which is even worse because Beth is smart and funny and she can quote whole movies with Tommy so what does Tommy need him for?  But Buck hangs out with them and he (begrudgingly) likes Beth, who gets all of Tommy's shithead friends off his back about how he doesn't date.

(Tommy is driving them home one day when he says, shoulders up to his ears, "What if I don't like girls?"  And Buck is suddenly aware that he's just a shithead teenager who has laughed at gay jokes, has made gay jokes, but this is Tommy and he can't afford to fuck this up by saying a shithead teenager thing.  "That would be cool," he says, and Tommy's shoulders inch down.)

Tommy graduates.  He does a semester of community college, but things at home are Bad (he is now taller and bigger than his father, which should have made things better but oh god it's so much worse), and so he enlists in the army.  The last time Buck was this mad was when Maddie left for Boston and they fight about it (they made plans! If Tommy waits a year then they can enlist together!) but at the end Tommy leaves and Buck promises to write him a letter every day ("This isn't 1942, Evan," Tommy says, dry but so fond.  "We have technology.").  Buck is the one to see him off and they hug so tight and for so long and Buck says quietly, like he almost doesn't want Tommy to hear, "I'm going to miss you so much."  Tommy hopes that's true; no one's ever missed him before.

This is the epistolary section where it's just the emails they send back and forth.  Buck leaves Hershey sooner in this (Maddie moves back just as Tommy leaves--it's funny how the two most important people in his life don't meet), and he sends Maddie postcards and sends long rambling emails to Tommy.  He's more honest with Tommy about the hardships he's facing, and at some point Tommy is like I am sending you some money so you can buy food and also make rent so you don't sleep in the car it's not like I'm using it anyway.  Tommy emails back as often as he can--he's in basic and then he goes to pilot training and then, of course, he does a tour in Afghanistan.

("My boyfriend is also in the army," his fellow bartender Kelsey says.

"Oh, he's just my best friend," Buck says, and Kelsey is like sure Jan because Buck talks about Tommy like he's a war bride.)

Somewhere between Virginia Beach and Peru, Buck figures out he's bi.  He's out dancing at a gay friendly club and there's a guy with dark hair and a cleft chin who absolutely does not look like Tommy not even a little bit and Buck goes home with him and it's fun and very informative and he leaves before morning, alight with a new understanding of himself.  The problem is that he doesn't know how to tell Tommy.  Or, well, how to tell Tommy that doesn't get him in trouble as this is the waning days of Don't Ask Don't.  He can't just say he's also into dudes.  So instead Buck sends a very confusing email about how's open to all options now life is a buffet and he's loading up a plate and Tommy is like okay he's back in his stoned surfer phase.

And then, of course, the helicopter crashes/gets shot down, Tommy is injured, and is looking at a medical discharge and a long recovery.  (Buck is beneficiary of course because Tommy is going to take care of him even if all he can do is leave him a little bit of money.)  He's in the hospital in Germany when he gets to talk to Buck, who has so many questions about his injury and what medical care he needs and what kind of follow up care and also he's gone on reddit and he knows dealing with the VA can be a nightmare but he's been talking to a bunch of vets and he's putting together a cheat sheet to make it easier and does Tommy know when he'll be flying back?  It takes Tommy almost an hour to work up the courage to ask where Buck is and if maybe Tommy can stay with him, just for a bit, just until he figures out what he wants to do.

"I'm sharing a house with like six other dudes," Buck says, "but I've already starting looking for an apartment for us.  Don't worry, I know it's gotta be on the first floor or have an elevator.  I am not making you climb stairs."

"You're looking for an apartment in Peru?"

"Oh, I'm in LA now," Buck says.  "California was your favorite place you've lived, right?"

It was and it is, and when Tommy finally makes it through arrivals at LAX, Buck is there, grabbing and holding him so tightly before he seems to remember that Tommy had nearly died, then he was jerking back mumbling sorry-sorry-sorry.  "You're fine, you're fine, get back here," Tommy says and hugs him so tight and so long.

The last time Tommy saw him was when Buck was twenty-one and Buck had taken a detour to visit him when he was stationed at a base down south.  Tommy had gotten a weekend pass and they went out to celebrate Buck's birthday, two months late but hey what could you do, drinking and hanging off each other and laughing more that night than Tommy had in years, since he'd been in Hershey, and the next morning Tommy had hugged Buck goodbye and didn't want to let him go.

Buck is a few years older, still with a bit of babyface, but Tommy can see the man he'll grow into.

(Tommy looks so different than when they were shithead teenagers, sharp where he isn't haggard, holding himself so still and careful, but he still hugs with his whole body and he still holds Buck so tight and god Buck loves him, loves him, loves him.)

The apartment is the kind of place you get when you're young and broke: small, cramped, but clean enough and blessedly free of bugs.  When Buck said he would handle getting the apartment set up, he meant it; there were beds with sheets and comforters, bathmat in the bathroom and towels in the closet, dishes clearly picked up at some thrift store in the cupboard, a couch that probably spent most of its life in some frat house but at least it was comfortable and didn't smell.  All Tommy could contribute was rent money and a couple of paintings for the bare walls.

They figure out how to live together, but pressure starts to build.  Buck is doing temp office work and bartending for money and Tommy has savings he call fall back on as he figures out what he wants to do (Buck offering to hook him up with his temp service is not helpful), but Tommy is having trouble sleeping and feels he's mooching off Buck.  It doesn't help when he finds Buck's collection of pamphlets about vet support groups and PTSD and programs designed to help vets get jobs, all these little signs that Buck gives cares so much while Tommy is bringing nothing to this.

It builds and builds until it finally breaks one day and then he and Buck are screaming at each other over the frat couch about the pamphlets and Buck's extra shifts to make sure they have a cushion for rent and that this isn't any different than when Tommy would send him money every month or pass along leads for job because his army buddies knew a guy who was looking to hire a ranch hand so why is this different?

"I was trying to take care of you," Tommy shouts.

"And I'm trying to take care of you," Buck lobs right back.

Tommy throws up his hands.  "Why would you want to?"

"Because I love you, asshole!" Buck screams right into his face.

"Well, I love you!" Tommy screams back.

And then they stare silently at each other before hysterically laughing at the absurdity.  They end up collapsed together on the frat couch and Tommy says, "So I guess we're making this work."  And Buck is like yes obviously you idiot and takes Tommy's hand in his own.

(Three days later, while pretending to watch a movie, Tommy says, "So when you said you loved me did you mean like--" and he made a truly incomprehensible hand gesture meant to convey the distilled concept of no homo and also bros sitting five feet apart in a hot tub because they're not gay.

"Oh my god," Buck says and just clambers into his lap.  "Remember when I tried to do a kickflip and ate shit and bled all over you?  I've been in love with you since then."

"It was later for me," Tommy says.  "When I left and you said you were going to miss me.  No one ever missed me before."

"I missed you so much," Buck says.  "Can we please have sex now?"

Tommy laughs and kisses him and, well, it's very enlightening.

Later, after they cleaned up and eat something, Tommy says, "I miss flying.  I think I want to do that again, but to help people now instead of, you know."

"I have an idea."  Buck clambered over his lap to root through the side table drawer where all the pamphlets lived.  "Little help."

Tommy hauls him back, feeling a bit like the claw in a claw machine, and Buck emerges with a pamphlet clasped in a triumphant fist.

"So I've been thinking about joining the LAFD," Buck says shyly.  "There's an Air Ops division that does suppressant, high rise response, search and rescue.  They need pilots.  So, uh, what do you say?  Want to join the LAFD with me?"

Tommy takes the pamphlet and smooths it out.  There's a lot of smiling men and women on there and, yes, a helicopter or two.  He can fly and he can help people.  "Okay," he says.

Buck doesn't smile so much as beam.  "Okay?"

"Yeah," Tommy says, laughing.  "Let's do it."

A year later the 118's newest probie arrives wearing a bright smile and a wedding ring.

3. Buck shows up a few minutes early to the chemistry read, and he sees Tommy in the lobby reading over the sides. Buck already has everything memorized, so he plops down next to Tommy and starts rattling off every excruciating detail about the traffic on his way over. Every time Tommy shifts or glances over, Buck feels a stab of satisfaction. But then Tommy moves his head off his hand and takes an earbud out and asks, "Sorry, were you talking to me?" (Tommy heard every word and wants to kill him.) And Buck shrugs off his irritation and says, "Yeah. Couldn't tell if you were listening or not. It's hard to tell with you. Already hitting the Botox?" And Tommy raises his eyebrows as if to show he hasn't and never has. "No, I'm not insecure about aging," he says, his eyes flicking to the carefully applied highlights that hide Buck's grays. And it's back and forth until they get called back.

4. The first scene is an argument. It's easy to pull off being infuriated at Tommy, Buck might even sell it too well because they're asked to reset and told the mood is more quiet and tense. Which he knows, because he read the full script, so it irritates him more. But he harnesses that, because his character is feeling like he's not being heard and like he's being infantilized while he figures himself out. By the end of the scene, he's got tears in his eyes and Tommy's looking away and trying not to cry. They're given a break, and Buck gets water and tries to pull everything back. He and Tommy don't speak during the break. Then he sits down again, and it's the morning after their characters had an ill advised hookup. Except the conversation is closer to the BT breakup, so Tommy is looking at him with tears in his eyes. "No matter how bad I want it to be," he says, his voice trembling just a little, "I'm not your last. I'm your first." And Buck straightens up and shakes his head, feeling the tears come again. "They can be the same thing," he says, his voice cracking. "But they usually aren't," Tommy says, his voice almost gentle. "You'd end up breaking my heart, and I couldn't handle that." He stands and scratches the back of his neck. "I should go."

And Buck stands and grabs Tommy's hand between both of his. "You shouldn't. God, I can't--you have no idea. I said the worst things to you, because I got so scared of this. But not having you--it's like walking around without my heart. A-and I know there's all this stuff we need to figure out, but you can't tell me that this," he says with a pointed squeeze of Tommy's hand before he brings a hand up to Tommy's cheek, "all of this isn't real and worth fighting for. You changed my life." "Because I kissed you?" Tommy asks even as he presses his cheek to Buck's hand. "Any guy could've done that." "Because I love you," Buck says, his chin trembling. "I never got a chance to--" And that's where he's supposed to cut himself off, but Tommy's looking between his eyes and then to his lips and Buck just barely dips his chin in a nod before Tommy's kissing him. It's a good kiss, possibly even a great one, and it makes Buck feel like he has an electrical current going through his body. When the kiss breaks, Tommy presses his nose to Buck's cheek. "Don't hurt me," Tommy begs softly, giving the next line even though it's not in the sides. "I couldn't--I can't survive that. Not from you." "I won't, I promise, I wouldn't, not again," Buck insists, squeezing his eyes shut. "I just need to be brave like you." "I'm a coward," Tommy says, pulling away just a little. "And there's so much you don't know about me if you think I'm brave." Buck presses their foreheads together and sniffles quietly. "Then let me in," he says, and Tommy nods before pulling him into a hug, and Buck slumps against him. When he opens his eyes, everyone in the room is looking at them like they're enraptured by the scene.

5. Buck finds out within three days that he got the part. He also finds out that Tommy did. Not only that, the casting director knows the casting director for an HBO series that'll be auditioning later in the summer for a series that'll shoot next January. She's giving them his name. Buck can't even be as enthused as he wants to be, because all he's been thinking about is the chemistry read. He asks Hen to give Tommy's agent his number, and Tommy calls him later and they meet for coffee. Buck orders for him, and he gets it wrong, but Tommy's nice about it. They even share a smile. And then Tommy looks around and leans in and says, "I need to tell you something private. Something that only a few people know, okay? Just to clear some stuff up, because we can't do this movie and hate each other." He sighs and continues, "I didn't break up with Abby because of her mom or her career or anything. We were set up by my old agent as a PR thing, and I just kept going with it because I didn't know what else to do. And then things got serious, and I realized I couldn't keep doing it because I'm gay." And a lot of things Buck had heard about the relationship makes sense. Like, a lot of sense.

6. There's an intimacy coordinator that they need to meet. "Big demand for a guy who kissed me when he wasn't supposed to," Buck teases. Because they're at that point now where they can tease after talking at a coffee shop for three hours and spending weeks texting each other about their parts and then about random shit. "You nodded," Tommy says, elbowing him lightly. They go through the session together and separately. There's a list of stuff they're okay with and stuff they're not okay with. Buck had thought he was pretty free about things, but then he had been faced with a choice about letting someone he's not actually with do something like touch his inner thigh and realized he does have feelings about that. So he appreciates it. After, Tommy tells him about the last movie he did, about what the set was like and how he was treated like a piece of meat and things that he was directed to do crossed a lot of lines for him and the actress. Buck hugs him and thanks him for taking care of them, and they go get more coffee. Buck gets the order right this time.

7. There's a love scene that's a little more involved than the others. They need to be shirtless and kissing while standing up, so it's nothing too bad. But Buck is faced with a shirtless Tommy who's just joking around with the grip and drinking water and he feels like he's either experiencing some character bleed or something is really going on. When they block the scene for the camera, it feels straightforward and easy and then they have to actually shoot it and it's this explosion of feeling for their characters. They've been dancing around each other and Buck's previously believed to be straight character finally gives in to these feelings he's been trying to push away. So when Buck comes in for the kiss, there's something too real behind it. He keeps kissing Tommy between lines, which is not in the script, and Tommy backs him up against the wall of his character's sister's guest room, which is in the script. But they're supposed to stop and take a break and look at each other with new eyes, but Buck just keeps kissing him. When Tommy finally breaks the kiss, Buck's eyes are on Tommy's mouth and he almost leans in for another one, but Tommy smiles and says, "Easy, soldier." Which is the line that leads to a conversation, so Buck has to call up the next line and then the next until they're through this part of the scene. The other half had been shot that morning. After, in Buck's trailer, he's having a minor crisis. Tommy knocks on the door, and Buck opens it, and Tommy asks if they can talk. Inside, they get all of two words out before they're on each other.

8. It's not character bleed. Buck has to take time to figure that out. Well, he takes their three day weekend to talk to Hen, his sister, and Bobby. He explains all of the weird feelings he's had for Tommy over the years, the way things went at the chemistry read, and after. "If this was an actress, would you go for it?" Bobby asks. "Yeah," Buck admits. "Then what's stopping you?" Bobby asks. "Heteronormativity, I think," Buck says with a smile. "That's what Hen said." "Yeah, she's smart like that," Bobby says, smiling back. "Don't date your coworkers, kid, but maybe go for this one when you can." So Buck talks to Tommy at length over the course of a busy day, and it ends with them setting up a date for Saturday.