somewhere dark and gentle

you’re currently throwing a party. half drunk, one eye open, you’re googling how to make spaghetti bolognese with only two cans of tomatoes and leftover meat. when you type into the chrome bar how do i, the google search how do i get over a - comes up, and you have to put the phone down.

“i’m out of like, meat,” you say. “or like, anything.” (where did it go? did you throw it out? things happen like this, slippery).

tyler is slowdancing with himself, one hand on his face. “this is the best fucking party i’ve ever been to.”

it’s usually the best party anyone has ever been to. your mom thinks you could start a club, because she believes in you too much. “i want spaghetti bolognese.” you have to yell-talk; it’s too loud here. someone is chanting in another room. god, they better behave in there. someone else’s perfect night made your floor reek for like a week last time.

you pause and pull your stupid moleskine you spent too much money on (threw the money away on, ha!) out of your back pocket where you pretentiously keep it with its little bic pen. you write: data point request… can you throw a demon out of a body?

demons would have to be real first. so that’s stupid.

“i love your shirt,” tyler says.

don’t say it you stupid fuck. “thanks,” you smile with that same practiced grin. don’t say it don’t say it don’t - “i just threw it on.”

you have told exactly 1 person about this thing, and she’s… well, whatever. you’re throwing a party. that’s what this is, right? this is you throwing a good time. you’re having a good time. everyone keeps saying what a good time this is.

data point request: throw the thought away.

not helpful. last week’s datapoint (throwaway joke?) has been a success, though, so you can put a sticker next to that one when you remember. and yes, it only works in english. which is maybe a blessing, because you have a C- in spanish and you’re barely holding it together as it is. (top of page three, datapoint request: why the fuck only english? hello?)

you walk through the apartment, hold your hands up when they invite you to beer pong haha, no thanks, but it’s genuinely not fun when you can-only-win. people stop being cool about it during the third round - you just start looking like an asshole.

not that she ever saw you that way. fuck. for real, throw the whole thought out.

you go to throw your coat on. as-per-usual, people around you stop moving while you do this easy thing. you haven’t recorded a video of yourself doing this particular one, but like-everything-else, it always leaves people a little dazzled. just watching like they know they shouldn’t be too impressed with it, it’s just a coat.

you type into your phone again: how to mak-

the history from google: how to make her love you again.

no one needs you to protect the inherent assumed cisness of someone who very obviously didn't fit the mold of what cis men are expected to act like, who died far too young and never got the chance to tell us how they identify as, who ended their own life the way so many trans women closeted and otherwise do due to transmisogyny.

What's good for the goose is good for the gander; do you want people speculating that YOU were not actually the gender you say you are when YOU die?

Respect people's privacy and dignity. Let the dead retain what they chose not to share in life.

2) people speculate on dead people's gender and sexuality all the time. there are people throughout history who, while not using the exact words we use today, would have been the equivalent of gay, lesbian, asexual, transmasc. why is it only offensive when people talk about someone possibly being a trans woman?

3) "no means of fighting back"? being a trans woman isn't an insult or an attack. if anything its a compliment and a mark of pride and honor. what does it say about you that you think someone is lesser for being labeled as a trans woman?

2: some people do. I don't approve of that, this isn’t a double standard; I don't like it when people say that Achilles or Oscar Wilde were attracted to men, I think that is also wrong.

3: that's an opinion the drad person might not share.

2: so why is cishet the default in your eyes?

3: then thats part of a larger societal issue of systemic transmisogyny. maybe instead of conforming to it, start to work on your own internal biases.

#help#the emoji is just#😂😂😂

#the little emoji man had me creased thank you

but i know calls to action without any kind of instruction aren't very helpful so here are some tips that i think you can easily do yourself with your own circles:

1) Staring off simple: Look around. Are there any BIPOC girls in your friend group, or are all of you white? Why? Do you often joke about everyone in your friend group being white? Why is that funny?

What to do: Examine why there are no people of color in your group. Examine why people of color may not be comfortable enough to hang out with you & your friends. Correct these, where possible. Do some reading on anti-racism. Talk to more people.

2) Examine how you talk about people of color & racism. Are you downplaying racism in your community? Are you treating women of color as dramatic or unreasonable for bringing it up? Do you find yourself only defending white dolls, always defending them from claims of racism, but never defending BIPOC dolls? Why?

What to do: Think about why you care more about accusations of racism than protecting the women of color in your community. Make sure you're making your space safe for BIPOC girls. Speak openly and loudly about anti-racism. Hold your sisters accountable- they should be apologizing when they say or do something wrong.

3) This one might sound silly, but as we often meet each other over fandom and roleplay- how are nonwhite characters treated in your circle? Are they always aggressive, angry, or antagonistic? Do you find yourself putting nonwhite characters in more roles like cops, dictators, sex pests, etc?

Additionally: If your circle shares sexual content, is there a lot of art where there's a pale/blonde character on the bottom, and a darker character on top? Are you and your friends always drawing darker characters as more dominant, more sexually aggressive, or promiscuous, while the white/pale characters are more innocent, submissive, modest, or clueless?

What to do: Examine how the way your group approaches fandom & art with nonwhite characters in it may make people of color uncomfortable. Examine why your art may make people of color feel unsafe or awkward hanging out with you. It's not wrong to have the occasional character of color be more antagonistic or dominant, but it's a problem when this is a pattern. If it's happening All The Time, question why!

4) Be honest with yourself: Did this post make you feel defensive? Does it make you feel defensive when people say something you did was racist? Why?

If a person of color tells you your actions were racist, they trust you to improve. I don't tell people they're being racist if i think they're going to hurt me for bringing it up. I know many like me. Don't prove us wrong- take these criticisms into account and work on it. You aren't cursed to be some kind of terrible bigot forever because you messed up- panicking without action is useless. Just be sure you examine the behavior in question and work to prevent this kind of thing from happening again. Okay?

She is not that.

She is Elon Musk. She is Trump. She is a powerful monster with the money to end lives.

Giving her money and creating a demand for her books by engaging in fandom should be seen the same way owning a cybertruck is seen. Harry Potter gear is in the same category as MAGA gear.

I need to see the same disgust and outright hatred of her that I see about all the evil men in her category. I don't know if people see her as less dangerous because she's a woman or if people are worried that hating on a woman will get their feminist card revoked, but she needs to be taken more seriously by a lot of people. She's a big name heavy hitter with more money than anyone should be allowed to have.