All fucked up and I make it look good

"it's a tv show" "it's not real" i don't care. NO SHOES ON THE BED

okay if this breaks containment I think my asian grandparents would be proud of this post being my legacy. but for their sake i must clarify my personal stance. NO SHOES IN THE HOUSE AT ALL

Charlie brown is trying to kill me... Fortunately I am being protected by Dracula of Stoker's famous novel. Somehow I cant commit to feeling safe despite it being infinitely better than the reverse.

We need to isolate and start selectively breeding the plastic eating bacteria so we can optimise their efficiency, and then somehow splice their DNA into the gut bacteria of an obligate carnivore, so we can put it in our cats gut biomes so they'll finally be free of having to choose between whether they want to eat plastic or whether they want to live.

to whom am I squeaking

realised today while doing a bit for my girlfriend that I absolutely could do standup if part of the joke was that I was doing standup.

could not would btw

devil may happy :)

Wouldn’t it’ve made more sense to to say devil may smile?

critique my post ever again and devil may angry

you've heard of death of the author, now get ready for death of the audience: where instead of basing your reaction on a thousand uninformed opinions online, you actually read the text and engage with it

girl help there's people on this post who can't actually read my text

I'm still thinking about the guy who saw me realize my wheelchair wouldn't fit in the elevator because he (also a wheelchair user) was already inside it and immediately quipped, "This elevator ain't accessible enough for the both of us."

Everyone loves me because I produce a thin slime that functions as a potent neurotoxin