the choice at the crossroads was not ours alone

Girl So Confusing — Amadeus (1984) edit

literally sincerely the people's princess

I think that’s a much nicer outcome for ilya but I actually think that he HAD to leave a team he loved and move to a bad team where he was miserable and became clinically depressed/passively suicidal. I think it’s important to his character arc lol. like to be fair RR doesn’t do much with these elements (and introduces a bunch of random other elements like the plane crash and the stupid Cameo outing and the Evil Commissioner that water it down even further) but she had the bones of something interesting there! it’s fascinating to me that ilya gets ONE little taste of emotional intimacy from a guy who seems securely attached and has a nice family and he’s like ok I’m going to blow up my entire life for you. I’m going to give up everything for you while not asking you to sacrifice a single thing. I’m going to hinge 10000% of my happiness and sanity and general well-being on this working out. I thought I was going to lose you and then I didn’t lose you and so to express my gratitude I will give you everything I have now and in the future and will never ever ever ever ask you for anything. and I hope that in some small way this will make up it. for the fact that it’s me. and shane’s like ok yay :) not because he’s a bad person but because he’s missing literally all of the subtext here and because ilya has never truly opened up to shane or let shane see just how deep that sense of his own inner rottenness/brokenness goes. shane largely seems to trust ilya to advocate for his own needs (because that’s what generally emotionally healthy people do) without realizing that ilya is literally never ever going to do that. he just doesn’t have the tools.

Tiny dancer! Photo from my collection, no date/info.

Understanding this is crucial to shed that shy and rigid mold you’ve inhabited for so long. Your nervous system needs to be retaught to not fear being perceived or in companionship with others. You need to overcome past shame and embarrassment . You can’t afford to keep looping into the same cycles that are limiting your ability to build meaningful connections and live a more full and engaging life.

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anyway yeah so as i was saying. there’s a point where ilya has said something really sad about his childhood-

Really funny one two punch on my dash this morning