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memewhore

2urban2fantasy-deactivated20241

Woman murders man in broad daylight

‎

beautiful like to reblog ratio on this

drtanner

That's because people are reblogging it every time they see it. Like I'm doing right now lmao

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hellopuns

The Monday Period: Part 1 of 6

Part 1: you are here

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

jupitermelichios

So I’ve been playing a lot of skyrim lately, because it’s video game comfort food, and I decided it was time for my Redguard Dovahkiin to settle down. (Actually I specifically just wanted to be able to adopt some of the random orphans you meet because I felt guilty about them, but you need to be married before you can do that so that there’s someone at home to take care of the kids while you’re off galivanting).

So I travelled around a bit, chatting up likely looking npcs until I found one I both liked and didn’t feel guilty about marrying (I feel bad if I marry one of the warrior adventurer types, making them be a stay at home mum) and settled on an obnoxiously cheerful argonian called Shavee because her life was frankly shit, and I thought she’d probably be good with kids.

So off I go to Riften to the Temple of Mara to arrange the wedding. I book it in for the next day, realise I didn’t bring anything nice to wear, and spend the night before the wedding robbing every house in the city in the search for something to wear. Eventually decide everyone in Riften has terrible fashion sense and break down everything I stole into raw materials and use them to craft myself an outfit and some jewellery that i’m pretty happy with. I even carefully pick out my fanciest looking sword to wear.

(don’t know why I bothered, frankly, shavee turned up wearing a shirt covered in suspicious stains and weilding a pickaxe, it’s like she doesn’t even care about this marriage)

(also for comedy purposes, bear in mind I play with survival mods that mean my character needs to eat and sleep to live, and I literally spent the entire ingame night on this and forgot to eat and drink anything either and then just downed four bowls of wolf stew right before entering the temple so I didn’t starve during the ceremony. also I discovered during the wedding that I am dying of rockjoint, which I contracted from sleeping in a pile of hay on the floor of a skeever infested cave, so even being six foot tall and jacked can’t make up for the fact that I am exhausted, running a fever, and probably covered in wolf which I spilled because my joints are slowly atrophying, and even the fanciest clothes in the world aren’t going to cover that up)

so I enter the temple, and my finance is there, and Lydia my housecarl, and some random NPCs the game thinks are my friends because I did fetch quests for them

One of the random NPCs is Lisbet. Atfter I did her fetch quest, I then did another quest in which I discovered Lisbet is secretly a cannibal and part of a demonic cult that worships the daedric prince of decay by kidnapping priests, sacrificing them, and then eating their corpses. Raw. I think the raw meat is the sticking point for me here honestly.

I ultimately decided not to sacrifice the random priest to a daedric prince in exchange for one magic ring and all the raw human I could eat, because frankly, that doesn’t sound like much of a deal to me. I was expecting there to be some kind of dialogue choice where I could nope out at the last minute, but it turns out there isn’t one, so after they drugged the priest and tied him to the altar, I just got out my sword and started swinging.

I killed most of the cult (including the town butcher, because I had brought meat from him before and was extremely pissed off that he might have been secretly feeding me humans) but a couple of them got away, which I figured was fine because they weren’t trying to kill me.

Except it turns out, if any of them escape, then every time you see them in the future there’s a random chance that they’ll fly into a violent rage and try and murder you.

Lisbet is at my wedding. Lisbet decides that clearly me marrying this random argonian woman with two lines of dialogue is the happiest day of my life, and she cannot allow me that happiness, when I’ve taken so much from her.

So she tries to kill me. Only she can’t, because I’m stuck in a pre-rendered wedding animation, and also she’s sitting next to Lydia, my faithful retainer and owner of a really big axe.

It also turns out that Lisbet is essential, meaning she can be knocked unconcious but not actually killed because she’s needed for some quest or other. And the minute she wakes up from unconciousness, she tries to kill me again, so Lydia knocks her unconcious again, and I’m stuck, I can’t move, because I’m supposed to be in the wedding animation.

Except Shavee has, not unreasonably, see all this and decided that she doesn’t like me enough to risk getting murdered, and has done a runner, leaving me at the altar, but more importantly, leaving me trapped in a broken pre-rendered animation, so all I can do is stand there at the altar, staring at the space where my fiance was supposed to be, listening to the sounds of Lydia trying and failing to beat a cannibal to death behind me.

Okay, I think, clearly this wedding isn’t going to happen, I’m going to go for the registry office option and complete the wedding using the dev commands. I do this. The priest gives me a wedding ring, and I can finally move again. I chase after Shavee, who has an impressive turn of speed on her, and eventually catch up right by the city gates. I try to talk to her.

Apparently using the console has completed the wedding for me, but not for her, because she still only has the same 2 lines of dialogue she usually has.

Clearly this is working, I can’t leave my kids with someone who can only say 2 things and doesn’t even know she’s their mum, that’s irresponsible.

I try loading from inside the temple. I get the same problem.

Eventually I figure out that I need to use the dev controls to disable Lisbet’s entire existence in the universe.

Shavee and me get married. As the priest reads the vows, I stare at Shavee and wonder why she couldn’t even be bothered to put on a clean shirt. I wonder what kind of mother she’ll be.

Once the ceremony is over, and I’m happily married to the dirty green lizard of my dreams, and we’ve agreed that until I can make her recognise my extremely nice modded house exists I will share her single bed in the unheated flophouse in Windhelm she calls home, I re-enable Lisbet, because I’m worried I’ll forget if I leave it too long.

Fun fact about skyrim, it loads in quite a lot of npcs and objects by dropping them from the sky. I have no idea why this is the case, but it’s objectively the funniest way to load in objects.

I re-enable Lisbet. She falls from the sky, clips through the roof of the temple, and lands in the pew beside Lydia, stands up, draws a knife, and is immedately beaten unconcious.

I no longer care, because Shavee now has all the exciting new spouse-only romantic dialogue options like “Could you cook something for me” and “have you made any money lately”, and I know she’ll be a great mother.

I limp to the door of the temple, while around me the guests not involved in the Lydia-Lisbet murder cycle scream and duck for cover.

I open the door to the temple, immediately collapse and ragdoll down the steps, which is how I discover I am dying of rockjoint.

I limp to the orphanage down the street, adopt two kids, and then finally remember that I’m carrying garlic bread, which as we all know, cures all known illnesses.

When I emerge back into the street, full of the joys of motherhood and garlic bread, I find the town in disaray. Lydia is chasing Lisbet through the streets with an axe and a dragon is circling overhead, burning npcs to death. People are running for shelter, screaming, while the guards try to take down an entire dragon using only the worst bows and arrows in the game.

I decide that as a parent, I have to think of my own safety first and leave them to it.

I head out of the city, intent on returning home and figuring out why Shavee refuses to move in with me. A man hanging around the stables challenges me to a boxing match. For want of anything better to do, I agree.

Halfway through the fight he dodges at the wrong moment and I punch one of his horses in the head.

Two guards attack me while I desperately try to surrender. My kids will miss me, but I’m prepared to go to jail for my horse crimes, I’m an honest citizen. Also my horse crimes seem somewhat less important than the dragon.

The guards refuse to accept my surrender. I am stabbed to death. As I collapse in front of the indifferent horse, Lisbet exits the city, followed by Lydia. The last thing I see before I die is Lydia swinging her axe at Lisbet’s face.

marithlizard

OP needs to get some kind of prize for the funniest Skyrim game writeup I have yet seen. I am literally in tears from laughing here.

arsanatomica

Religious art leaves out the best part and it’s such a goddamn shame. Livestock, Agriculture and Food is an integral part of any culture and we all need to be pushing for more realistic sheep in religious art. #FATTAILSFORJESUS

hildegard-von-bloggen

“How think ye? If a man have a hundred sheep and one of them be gone astray, doth he not leave the ninety and nine, and goeth into the mountains and listen for the clappeth of it’s itinerant cheeks?” - Matthew 18:12, the bible

arsanatomica

CLAPPETH….

arsanatomica

I made this post a long time ago and never posted the follow up post, so here it is. Additional info on Fat tail sheep

Fat tailed sheep is not a single specific breed of sheep. It’s a catchall word like “Health care worker”.

There’s tons and tons of different breeds. They all store fat in their tails, but fall into two main categories: WIDE tails and LONG tails

Wide tails store fat in the rump area and have no visible tails.

Long tails store fat in the tail itself, which vary in length in different breeds. In the olden days, people took pride in breeding sheep with the longest tail. They are not so popular today as it’s hard to find a decent tail cart on Amazon.

Speaking of Tail carts, they come in different styles and designs. We dont have any that are actually preserved, but old drawing of them show different wheels harnesses.

Some of them are literally just skateboards

Back in the day, breeding sheep with long dragging tails was all the rage. Nowadays different tails types have been developed to prevent them from dragging their tails on the ground. Such as the “folded tail” or the “Only fat at the base” Tail

Despite fat tail sheep being the most common sheep breeds in the world, most people in the west have never heard of them. The West likes Wool Sheep. Fat tails are strictly meat sheep and have little useful wool. They also do poorly in colder climates

There’s a huge community of shepherds on youtube that script, choreograph and shoot elaborate videos for their sheep complete uplifting music to highlight their best qualities (for sale and stud) It is fantastic. Such as this one:

People kept bringing up Fat Bottomed Girls. Ya’ll are wrong. These are fat bottomed BOYS. Sheep are often continuously bred, so the females are constantly getting pregnant, giving birth and nursing.

That’s very hard on the body, so they can’t build up as much fat as the boys.

The fattest sheep, the ones with the truly VAST tails, rocking them little carts are ALWAYS males.

This is why the Bible specifically states that ONLY the rumps of the Males are to fit to be offered to the lord……

Picture: God desiring the tail

“And he shall offer of the sacrifice of the peace offering an offering made by fire unto the LORD; the fat thereof, and the WHOLE rump” -Leviticus 3:9

I mean… look.

Arguably these are just minor details and doesnt matter….

But beyond it’s teachings the bible is also a work of literature about life in the ancient world. And on some level these kinds of small details bring a sort of richness to these depictions of real…

Ancient people bred out sheep with huge butts, took the largest sheep butts, set them on fire and prayed over the burning butt. It checks out.

tiktoks-for-dead-pope

mommyhorror

Creepiest monster thing alive: moves like that

this little girl: 😊☺️😄😄☺️😊🤩

itspeanutlove

This is so cute omg my heart is going vrooom vroroooooom

arithmeticanimaniac

ramshacklefey

The little boy holding the sign is having a Very Different Experience

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becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys

I am trying to work on my Skyrim alchemy skills and I am not made for this. This is not my skill. I am aware that you can't get the Purity perk until you hit level 100 but fucking hell, all I seem to do is create the most absurdly, uselessly fucked up potions imaginable. I'm like "Let's make a potion to heal me!" and then what I get is half a gallon of dubious liquid that's like "Will heal 27 hit points, deplete your stamina, clear your mortal enemy's skin, and legally change your name to Uriel Septim the Ugly."

Weirdly these potions are nonetheless quite expensive

I am BAD at alchemy

matriarchyuzi-deactivated202508

I've never seen a poison of slow turn a target invisible...

This is amazing. On re reading it-

The target is slowed for appx 1 minute

For half of that time the target is invisible

If the target is under level 11 it will try to run away while invisible and slow

It will also give that target magic back.

Do not use against mages.

What the FUCK. HOW DID YOU MANAGE THAT MUCH BULLSHIT ON ONE POTION JUST MAKE POTIONS OF FORTIFY CARRY LIKE EVERY OTHER ALCHEMY FARMER

becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys

I am v bad

becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys

It happened again T_T

singleteapot

I have a lot of questions and concerns but this is amazing. Can i have some recipes ?

becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys

I have no idea what I did. I think maybe there was a spider egg

becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys

Okay, so I think I'm getting better! I mean this is baby steps territory, right, BUT this latest one is at least all positive in its effects, as long as you don't intend to use magic for a minute

feyosha

Me, after drinking one of these:

In all seriousness though you are like a Skyrim Alchemy Idiot Savant. You DO realize that 4 effects is the maximum possible!? And you’re doing it on accident!? The Dancing Bear would be proud.

becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys

I just think it would be helpful if maybe the effects could be made either All Good or perhaps All Bad T_T

elodieunderglass

Ohhhhh THIS is what this wine is for

(Increases lockpicking ability, explodes small animals within a five foot radius and briefly emits half a dozen photons of light)

hedge-rambles

Reminds me of the time I once made a D&D potion based on Buckfast. May I introduce you to "Fuckbast's Tonic Wine":

FUCKBAST'S TONIC WINE Potion, 200GP A dark green bottle with an orange label proclaiming it contains a "fortified tonic wine", it does not explain what it is a tonic for. This venerable brew has been known by many names through the ages, the dwarves call it "Vino d'Jaikie", the elves know it as "wreck the hoose juice", certain learned scholars have referred to is as "fucking undrinkable". Downing one of these potions renders the drinker resplendent, swift, and thoroughly incomprehensible. For the next hour, your alignment is chaotic, you have a +15 to speed and a +2 to AC and attack rolls, but a -5 to perception, charisma and wisdom. After this hour has passed, the drinker's maxHP is reduced to 75%, their speed is halved, and they have disadvantage on constitution checks until their next long rest. Roll 1d20 on the Jaikie Surge Table below to discover a random effect.

Roll: Effect 1-5: You've lost 10GP but have somehow acquired chips 6-7: You now possess a traffic cone? How? 8-9: Oh gods where did you even get a feather boa? 10: I mean you definitely went out with shoes…and yet, they're gone 11-13: You are barred from a local inn or shop 14-15: You've gained 20GP and you're concerned as to how 16: You've lost 15GP but you now have a half-eaten kebab! 17-19: Who is "Deano" and why do you have his name written on your arm? 20: You've acquired someone else's shoes, probably best not to think about it

Explanations, effects and the identity of Deano are in the hands of the DM

"Where have you been?" "How did you even get those?" "Why?!" -TESTIMONY RECORDED FROM AN INCAPAGITATED SATISFIED CUSTOMER'S SPOUSE Irina's travelling emporium of lightly cursed items accepts no responsibility for anything that happens as a result of this potion.

fleshdyk3

i haaate when ppl are talking abt mammal colouration and they bring up mandrills but not vervet monkeys.... fake fans

fleshdyk3

put some respect on his name

the inevitable conclusion

chaoflaka

So 2016 is SO bad that it made the creator of this meme give us an alternative version of “This is Fine”.

marvelsmostwanted

Displayed on the Old North Church in Boston, MA on April 18, 2025, the 250th anniversary of Paul Revere’s ride.

Photo source: silencedogoodboston, the group behind this idea

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Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.

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Anya is LIVE right now

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nasa-official

if this gets 100,000 notes then i, the worlds greatest space agency will personally shoot donald trump into the sun

nasa-official

200,000 notes to also shoot the republican party leaders who don’t want to fund science into the sun

nasa-official

i am asking once again to help me get donald trump to the sun

jaubaius

It belongs in a museum,I think

su-whisterfield

This is utterly fabulous!

theriu

I was waiting to see what kind of joke/meme this dramatic and artistic video turned out to be AND I WAS NOT DISAPPOINTED

soberscientistlife

elfwreck

Context:

The original video, for anyone who hasn't seen it:

And the relevant album cover:

Sessler was a teenager when "We're Not Gonna Take It" it was on the charts. Probably had MTV so he saw the video.

No fuckin' idea how he thought it was in support of "traditional American values."

t4t4t

metalheadsagainstfascism

Never not reblog. Dee Snider is iconic and queer as fuck for a cishet man.

-fae

kamikaze-kumquat

No one disrespects my man Dee in this house.

a-wonderful-use-of-server-space

Never forget when he sat in front of a congressional hearing about Lewd Music Corrupting the Youth and completely shut that shit down in the most professional manner that no member of that committee expected from a hair metal musician. They thought they'd get easy points off of a dumb metalhead and this man not only knew exactly what the fuck he was talking about, he tore their arguments apart.

teaboot

DUDE THE VIDEOOO

olderthannetfic

For those unfamiliar with this ICON

kyraneko

This is why my working definition of queer is "queerness is that which accepts queerness."

It encompasses a radical welcome and celebration of things that deviate from "the norm" and a fierce willingness to defend them from people who think mere deviance is worthy of vicious and violent bullying.

imasithduh

Dee Snider is the embodiment of "Queer as in fuck you."

brykilo

I love seeing this post make the rounds

madlori

dee snider is a fucking icon, man

macleod

soberscientistlife

elfwreck

Context:

The original video, for anyone who hasn't seen it:

And the relevant album cover:

Sessler was a teenager when "We're Not Gonna Take It" it was on the charts. Probably had MTV so he saw the video.

No fuckin' idea how he thought it was in support of "traditional American values."

t4t4t

metalheadsagainstfascism

Never not reblog. Dee Snider is iconic and queer as fuck for a cishet man.

-fae

kamikaze-kumquat

No one disrespects my man Dee in this house.

a-wonderful-use-of-server-space

teaboot

DUDE THE VIDEOOO

olderthannetfic

For those unfamiliar with this ICON

kyraneko

This is why my working definition of queer is "queerness is that which accepts queerness."

imasithduh

Dee Snider is the embodiment of "Queer as in fuck you."

brykilo

I love seeing this post make the rounds

madlori

dee snider is a fucking icon, man

macleod

damienhaaas

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science-junkie

… and here is a gift for all of us.

goddess47

So I can find this again! Great list!

clairificusrex

Don’t lose this post

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unashamedly-enthusiastic

This is the way the world ends, not with a bang but with a banger

VeryVeryVinny

livebloggingmydescentintomadness

i just feel like you guys should see this thread about foxes

elodieunderglass

For some reason, when biologists want to describe “the assemblage of morphological features shared among many members of a phylum-level group” we say bauplan. Which is German for “body plan.” But even if you don’t speak German you say “bauplan” anyway. So this is a very hilarious Social Media Discourse from someone who has forgotten that the word “bauplan” is an instant giveaway that you are actually a biologist and that makes it fantastic it’s like when robots try to pretend that they’re human but better

asymbina

omg love

thefingerfuckingfemalefury

I can’t decide if my favourite comment is “Harrowing Stare” or “A truly unnerving fox design” :D

spider-hands-mannos-deactivated

i like “you know what why’s it so goddamn tall”

doctorbluesmanreturns

@13flowersandfoxes

nyanbinarygollum

@elodieunderglass “bauplan” only means body plan in English in German “bauplan” means construction plan.

elodieunderglass

Thank you for telling me! I had utterly forgotten all of this

seimsisk

this person never said he was not a biologist tho, just that he doesn’t know fox things. he’s actually an epidemiologist.

elodieunderglass

As you can see I am willing to accept correction on my flawed statements with humility, although I note that didn’t say that he was a fox expert either - just that he was using very correct accurate appropriate language for his shitpost. However. Thank you all for holding me accountable. This post addition is 2,631 days old and the notes indicate it has always bothered some people so I’m glad I can at least repair something of the seven years of damage I have caused

elodieunderglass

Me: this extremely accurate piece of terminology is amusing in the context of a shitpost

Someone seven years later: your German isn’t correct

Me: you know, I have to appreciate German people’s general - and frankly uncharacteristically generous- restraint in not @-ing me earlier. I appreciate that seven years and two months was a long time to sit on that

People who don’t read: for seven years we have been bothered by the fact that you called that man a fox expert

Me: okay!

Me: I didn’t 💖

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