I absolutely love your advice posts, and recently learned that you too are autistic. You have spoken in your advice posts a lot about the importance of asking for help and finding community and knowing you are not alone.
I guess my question is, for an autistic person with absolutely balls social skills and a massive tendency to self-isolate, how to go about those things? Who is it okay to ask for help, and how do you ask? Where do you go for community, and how do you fit in there? What do you do when you really are alone and there's no support, how do you drum some up? How do you know you are being appropriate and not clingy and annoying?
(PS legit the first photo I saw of you was a cosplay photo and I thought, oh, it's Siegfried Farnon. Didn't realize it was a cosplay until I read the tags.)
Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to be Siegfried Farnon... ;)
So, being social with the 'tism... I guess what we're really looking at is being social with folks who aren't autistic, or whose autism flavor doesn't mesh with yours.
I've become more comfortable being social by putting myself in situations where talking to people is pretty unavoidable -- conventions, classes, and other group activities. Start small by just *being* around other folks (go to a museum or farmer's market) and work your way up to interactions.
Ironically, public speaking/teaching is a great way for introverts and autistic folks to get comfortable with people -- because you are running largely on a script and sticking to your area of expertise, you don't have to worry about small talk and other social rituals. (My sister and I are both on the spectrum and both teach.) There are teaching opportunities everywhere, from helping people at work to volunteering.
When I'm interacting with people, I also put on a bit of a persona. It helps me organize my thoughts, remember body language that is received well, and is a form of masking that I'm ok with. It's no coincidence that I go to a lot of events where I dress up in some way - it's kind of like armor.
Ring theory is a model I often use to know who it's appropriate to vent or tell tmi to. It's a very helpful model when you're the "helper" and not the person in crisis, because it prevents you from accidentally venting back to the person in pain and making them feel like shit for "bothering" you.
Obviously, spaces like tumblr, where we're all friendly weirdos, throw this off a little -- but even here when I vent or talk about taboo subjects like genitalia & being trans, I am doing so from an informative position to a large, mostly anonymous audience that wants to be here; I'd never just start talking about my dick in a mutual's DMs. Likewise, when I write smut, I know that is for an audience seeking it; it isn't exactly a topic I post about aside from AO3.
It's the same when I ask for help -- I look to people close to me, and/or those who have had similar experiences. Closer people get more emotional backstory, remote people get less details. So, if I need a mental health day, I'll tell my spouse I'm super depressed and frustrated at life, but I'll tell my boss I am simply taking a sick day.
As autistic people, we tend to like details. But personal details from someone you don't know well are overwhelming for most people to know what to do with, especially when they come with little context or have little to do with their own lives. (This is why when I come out to strangers, they don't get all the trauma backstory, but only current, relevant facts. "Fyi, I am trans, so my background check will come back with [x] flagged.")
Asking for help is an exercise in setting aside your pride and fear of being judged. And if it's for something that may seem overwhelming to others, consider picking a small, achievable goal -- "I am changing my name and need someone to double check my forms" vs "I need help with my transition" or "I need help moving trash bags out of the garage" vs "I need help with my hoarding problem".
Avoiding being clingy is about giving equal time to your friends and those helping you. I have to constantly remember that conversations are like a game of catch -- don't hoard the ball and throw it back in a way that's easy for the other person to catch. That means asking questions back to the other person to allow them to relate in some way. And sometimes, doing nothing and saying nothing - just existing comfortably in a room or car with another person - is valuable. Just how space in a room is valuable, space in a relationship is, as well.
When I can't find support from others, I look to art and stories. You're never alone with your struggles -- someone, be it a real person or a fictional character, has shared your problems. As I consume these stories, I look for folks who also find something resonating within them - this tends to be how I also stumble across communities, via my fandoms.
But I also have to remember that not everyone processes fandoms the same way, especially when there is trauma involved. That people are bigger than their fandom interests, and that trauma-bonding isn't a good way to sustain a relationship. So, as you build community here, remember to take a break from the fandom stuff and branch out -- share other hobbies and interests so you can continue to grow as a person and make more connections.
Sorry this is a little rambly, but as a "how to people" answer, I hope there's a few good tidbits. Other autistic folks are more than welcome to chime in. :)
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