I belong to the Aphantasia Network, an organization that provides resources and discussion space for people with aphantasia, the inability to form mental images (which I have). Every so often they send out surveys and I always participate because the whole condition was really only discovered within the last 20 years or so, even though obviously it's not new in terms of existing in the human experience. I want to contribute!
But this morning I got a survey invitation that opened with
"Recent research suggests that the ability to sense internal bodily signals (called "interoception") might be connected to how we form mental images."
I spent months, when I was in DBT class, trying to figure out why all the physical stuff -- half-smiling, open posture, dive reflex, body scan -- didn't seem to work for me. I don't really feel emotions in my body or if I do I'm not aware of it, so soothing/stimulating the body had no perceptible impact on my emotions. I was still upset, I was just now upset and also felt dumb because I had a washcloth on my face, or upset and bored because breathing deeply is boring.
I was acting under the assumption that because these techniques were physical and were working for other people, they were both real and universal to the physical condition. I was simply disconnected emotionally from my body and therefore faulty in some way -- well, not faulty, but in need of some kind of repair, because the disconnect signaled a dysfunction of some kind. I had a fight with one of the therapists teaching the class about it. I had fights with people here about it when I said that my emotions don't often cause physical reactions, outside of adrenaline responses to shocks. Plenty of people thought I was lying to myself about it, and I considered they might be correct, given the data I had at the time. I say this in the tags as well but I was Unpleasant about those discussions and I'm sorry to anyone who was interacting with me and got the sharp end of my misdirected anger.
But...now here's an explanation, at least a potential one. There appears to be a link between inability to form mental images and either disconnect from physical sensation of emotion or lack of physical reaction linked to emotional state. The research is new, so who knows whether it's accurate, but I'm feeling pretty fucking validated this morning. It's very possible that I am emotionally disconnected from my body because I was born this way.
Aphantasia is also seemingly higher in people with ADHD, and both ADHD and poor interoception are linked to poor emotional regulation.
I'm gonna have such a good powerpoint for my next therapy appointment!
Also, every time I post about aphantasia I get questions about it and I'm happy to answer them, but I would direct anyone curious to the "an aphantasia fantasia" tag which is where all my discussions of it go, including links to other research. If you venture out onto the internet to research it, I would stick to scientific research sites; there's a lot of woo going on around the idea right now, including attempts to "cure" it with meditation and hallucinogens, and the Reddit aphantasia community can be a very negative one (lots of talk around "suddenly" being "abnormal", looky-lous questioning if people with aphantasia are even truly sentient, etc), so read with care.
