not gonna happen

Your first and second most recent emojis predict how December will treat you

my toxic trait is carelessly getting dressed in front of open windows because if someone wants to look in, that’s their problem

my personal curse is the knowledge that I function best with rigid structure and strict routine but am almost totally incapable of independently establishing or maintaining that structure and routine

sorry for thinking it's sexy when people's hair starts graying😔 i'm right tho

Your three most recent emojis describe how your 2020 will end

Free him!

When getting housing for a pet, please remember to get the homes of an adequate size. This is abuse

Team “I can hear the near silent hum of electrical appliances and the bubbles fizzing in the can of soda on the coffee table, but can’t watch tv without subtitles and processes conversation at ¼ speed”

i think as a society we have come to the point where we can stop asking people how they are when we say hi to them

The next time an exam asks me to specify whether I'm writing American or British English I'm just going to write in "Euro-English" and ride the linguistic wave

And this from a man who didn’t know what the eggplant emoji means.

Museum date???? Coffee shop date???? Art gallery date???? Walk in the park date???? Late night walk date???? Nap time date???

the inherent inhericism of inherency