Here's to You

In the past 2 years, I’ve: -Gotten my own apartment with a roommate that I stayed in for just under 2 years. -Continued school and actually did pretty well for a bit. -Almost quit working, just working a day or two a week so I could transition to full-time school, relying on financial aid. -Lost my financial aid due to “too many credits” because of all the paramedic courses I took beforehand. -Continued anyways because savings and stubbornness to get all of this done as quickly as I can. -Met an incredible woman and she and I currently live together.

I’m incredibly stressed out from school and I’ve learned that my natural response to school stress is to simply put it off because I seriously just plain don’t feel like dealing with it. And this is a huge problem, especially since this is the most demanding semester of my life.

I think I’m in the middle of another wave. I kept denying it earlier, but one way I know it’s here is by the surreal, weird, and sometimes obscene dreams I get, and I had one last night. I’ve never been diagnosed with depression and haven’t seen anyone since I was 12 years old, so I call it my wave; it comes on slowly, then crashes on me, then goes away. The intervals can be unpredictable sometimes, but it has been quite some time since I’ve felt this way.

I think it’s a mixture of not feeling productive enough since I barely work and not doing as well in school as I’d like, especially with the cards I’ve been dealt. My girlfriend is working 5 days a week and is already set in her career. She tells me to never compare, but honestly, sometimes I can’t help but feel inadequate. How can I not feel that way when I’m not working full time and I don’t even blow away everyone in my schoolwork?