Puns & Fandoms & Whatnot

So I legitimately cannot let myself think about or engage with the ending of the long game because it makes me too physically angry.

Which is a really weird reaction for me, if I’m being honest. Like, sincerely, I usually maintain more of an emotional distance from the media I consume. I do not get super heated about stories. I don’t get angry or sad, whether I like how the story was written or not. I like rotating them in my head and picking them apart but I don’t usually have like, a lingering emotional reaction to them. If I don’t like a book, I can usually just be like “oh. That kind of sucked” and leave it at that.

The ending of the long game makes me physically angry.

It is simply not a happily ever after to me. It is such a cruel humiliation ritual that I just can’t see it that way. I would be so much more okay with the ending if Shane had more of a choice in going to Ottawa. But he didn’t. He was forced out, and that fact is barely even acknowledged, let alone processed by the narrative.

If Shane had looked at his life and said “hey, I could stay in Montreal and win 7 Stanley cups and retire here like I always dreamed of, but my life with Ilya is more important to me so I’m going to leave my old dream behind so we don’t have to be long distance anymore,” I would be so much happier about the ending. Because he gets the narrative benefit of it being a sacrifice. There is decision in that. There is autonomy. There is dignity in the fact that he at least gets to choose.

There is no dignity in what happens to Shane.

He gets forced out by homophobia. He is accused of something he does not do. The media eviscerates him. His teammates, who had already reacted poorly to him being gay, who were already icing him out because of his relationship, completely abandon him. His legacy is destroyed. His reputation is trashed. All of the respect he has spent his entire career earning is gone.

Shane leaves Montreal in disgrace. He loses his home of more than a decade. He loses his team. He loses his captaincy. He loses his legacy. He loses almost every friend he has ever had.

But it’s fine. Because his husband already has friends and he can share. It’s really good that all of this happened, really, because Shane gets to go off to the Gay Hockey Oasis, where twinks can frolic freely.

Everyone fucking clap.

There is something so fundamentally repulsive to me about the idea that the answer to being retaliated against by your homophobic teammates is to leave and Go To The Land Of The Gays Where You Will Be Happy And Free. Your homophobic teammates will be keeping the team you spent your entire career building btw. They get to stay. They get everything you built. You go and find happiness with the people who already accept people like you. There is no fixing homophobia :(

Fuck. That. Noise. I will never be happy at an ending that happens because a queer person is forced out of a space. I can’t be happy about that.

I think one of the things that upsets me so much about the long game and its ending is that there is no ability to emotionally process what Shane’s teammates do to him because the entire ordeal is basically brushed off. A lot of it happens off camera. The effect it has on Shane is given next to no attention. Nothing about it is processed by the narrative. There is no cathartic relief. And so I am left fucking angry.

I think it’s helpful to think about catharsis through the lens of its original meaning. The concept of catharsis is rooted in Greek tragedy. In Ancient Greece, they believed that stories and specifically tragedies were important because they helped the audience process and release negative emotion. You left that story feeling relieved even though bad things happened because the stories helped you understand and process your own negative emotions. You get cathartic relief. They believed so strongly in the importance of this that they would build amphitheaters by hospitals because they thought it legitimately had health benefits.

You don’t get any catharsis out of Shane’s storyline. Because the fact that something tragic is happening to him is barely even acknowledged.

Shane comes out to his teammates off camera. We do not see what happens in the room. He has a single sentence about it in the epilogue and told in retrospect. Oh, by the way, he came out to his fucking teammates. No biggie.

Later, we know coming out made it awkward between them. We know sometimes they still use homophobic words around him and it makes Shane uncomfortable. Nothing is discussed in detail, and most of it is brought up retrospectively. Most of it happens off camera.

We also know that Shane’s sexuality is an open secret after. It is the unspoken something that the whole league knows. People didn’t know before but they sure do how.

That knowledge did not come from nowhere. Someone fucking outed him. But we will never talk about it. It is all off camera. It is barely even addressed.

Now, Shane also comes out off camera in snapping birch. But there, it is treated like a horror story.

When writing that text exchange, I broke my usual convention. If there’s a break in the texts, I don’t usually re-show parts of the text exchange that have already appeared—I just pick up where the last texts left off. But when Shane comes out, I copy and paste the texts you’ve already seen before you get to Dave checking in on him again.

Because I don’t want you to just see the silence. I want you to see his father’s encouragement. I want you to see Shane’s nerves. And I want you to see him overcome those nerves. He was afraid and he trusted them anyway. I want you to see that, and then I want you to see those empty fucking time gaps after.

The horror is in the lack of knowledge. It is in the fact that Dave is not there and does not know if Shane is even safe right now. You are meant to feel like a terrified parent reading that conversation back again and again and wondering if he is okay.

That’s not the treatment that Shane’s coming out in the books gets. It’s not off camera because that’s the point—it’s off camera because the details are unimportant. It is the only time in his entire life where Shane gets to choose to come out, and it is an afterthought.

Shane is so often an afterthought in the scenes that should be significant to him that it drives me nuts. Shane’s best friend accidentally outs him to the world, and Ilya, who already wanted to come out, is the one who gets to say it’s okay. And to be clear, I am not trying to diminish the fact that Ilya got outed. The fact that he wants to come out does not make his outing any less violating. He has the right to pick how.

But it is Shane’s best friend and Shane’s biggest fear. And the narrative never processes that. It’s just fine.

The exact same issue is found in the teams’ reactions to the reveal of Shane and Ilya’s relationship. We get to see the Centaurs react to Ilya. He is greeted with laughter, and that is fantastic.

Shane is greeted by silence. He describes the tension as being like he’s playing a game of operation waiting to get buzzed. They are not happy for him. They do not accept him. Even before the trip, they ice him out. But we do not address that in any real capacity. It just happens, and then he is forced out, and that’s it. We do not process it. The point is not the rejection. The rejection is a means to an end, and the end is fucking Ottawa.

To be so, so clear—I am not upset that Ilya got accepted when Shane wasn’t. I am glad Ilya got accepted. And I’m not upset that Ilya gets the narrative attention that he does, because I love Ilya’s character and I want to see him get that attention. But if you want to tackle the kind of topics that Shane’s storyline in the long game raises, you need to give it the necessary narrative space.

And like. I’ve heard all the rationales the internet tosses around about this already. Each book focuses on a specific character and the long game is Ilya’s story, not Shane’s. Shane is not meant to get the same narrative attention because it isn’t his book. The author has said that she never intended for it to be that deep.

She should have written a different story then.

One of my biggest rules of writing is that you do not get to escape the logical consequences of your own narrative. The audience is not fucking stupid. You cannot dodge the weight of the writing decisions you made, so you have to fucking deal with it or you cheapen the narrative.

Take Svetlana’s absence in snapping birch, which I’ve talked about in other posts. I love Svetlana. I want her in the story. But if I include her, it necessarily has narrative consequences.

Russia is a source of conflict because it is illegal for its citizens to promote LGBTQ+ rights. Svetlana is a Russian citizen who regularly returns to Russia. If I have her out here tweeting in the defense of her friend’s bisexuality, then either Russia isn’t that big of a threat, or Svetlana is fucking stupid. That is the logical consequence of the narrative decisions, and I cannot ignore the logical consequences.

As a result, I cannot include Svetlana without cheapening the conflict or her character. So I have to exclude her even if I want her there. Because the reader is not a fucking idiot, and if I can figure out Russia Bad, so can they.

If you do not want to deal with the consequences of writing a storyline about a queer character getting outed and rejected by his loved ones, then do not write that story. Develop it in accordance with its logical consequences or pick a different story.

The logical consequences of Shane’s ending in the long game are fucking tragic. And it is never truly discussed or processed. The narrative gives you no catharsis. Because it is not treated like a tragedy.

Shane is completely rejected by every single person in that locker room. The only person to say something even remotely in his favor is Hayden, who fronts his defense with how fucking weird Shane’s relationship is, but hey, he’s still our captain. Great job, Hayd.

Shane says explicitly that he hoped for better from the people he loved so much. He loved them. They turned on him. And they do not apologize. He loses them permanently. Over ten years together and only two of them come to his goddamn wedding.

And the narrative’s solution is to have him just leave and go somewhere that appreciates him, i.e., his husband’s team, and we should be happy about that. Never mind that he gave Montreal everything. Never mind that it was his dream to see his number retired to the rafters. Never mind that the team he goes to doesn’t have the cap space for him and he wants to be paid what he’s worth. His rich fucking husband will provide. Ottawa gets him at a goddamn gay discount.

Play out the logical consequences of that one. It does not matter if you’re the greatest hockey player in the fucking world. If you tack on enough minorities, then you get him on goddamn fire sale. Too Asian, too autistic, too queer, so he goes for a fucking song. The greatest hockey player in the world, and he is paid less than Troy fucking Barrett.

And I know that’s not why Shane has to take a massive pay cut at the ending. It’s because they do not have the cap space for him, not because they value him less. But that is not what people are going to think when they look at his salary. They are going to see a queer poc with three goddamn Stanley cups getting paid less than every single one of his teammates, and they are going to think they know why.

And maybe you say it doesn’t matter what people think. But I’d say it matters a whole fucking lot to the queer pocs who are wondering if they will ever have a place in this fuck-off white, aggressively straight sport. I think it’s going to matter a whole fucking lot to them when they are negotiating their own salaries and suddenly are finding themselves valued a lot less.

After all, look at what they pay Shane fucking Hollander.

I am not saying that queer people should feel obligated to remain in a hostile space. But I am saying that if they are forced out, you need to treat it like the tragedy it is. Do not write an ending that happens because a character is outed and spat on by his friends of more than a fucking decade and tell me to goddamn clap. Do not call that a fucking Happily Ever After. And I know that’s what it’s meant to be, because that is what the author calls it on her goddamn blog.

As you can probably tell, I feel strongly about the subject.

I don’t fuck with a lot of fandom’s characterizations around the entire thing, to be honest. Like, you nailed all of my issues with it perfectly. I hate the idea that Shane wasn’t friends with his teammates. I hate the idea that he was always a bad captain. Because that is all meant to make the fact that he was forced out somehow more okay. It is meant to make the loss he felt somehow less.

He spent over ten years with those people. He loved them. They all turned on him. And they did not apologize, and they did not come to his wedding. He still invited them and they did not come.

That is supposed to hurt.

If what happened to Shane happened to me, I would be angry for the rest of my life. I would not be able to get over it easily, if I ever got over it.

Ottawa isn’t a happy ending to me. It would have been if Shane got to choose to go be with Ilya instead of getting forced out. But he was forced, and that is what makes it goddamn tragic.

I am not saying that I wanted Shane to stay in a hostile environment. I am saying that the happy ending to discrimination is not to put the high achieving minority out to fucking pasture in the land of the gays where everyone accepts him already. Shane should have gotten to choose where he wanted to be. If that is Ottawa, let him actually choose Ottawa. It is not a choice if you have to tear away the option of Montreal so he’ll make it.

The answer to homophobia is not to segregate the fucking gays in happy centaur land. It is to get rid of the fucking homophobes. Do not tell me that the system is homophobic and you can’t change that. Skill issue. If the system won’t change?

So it starts in part because of Shane’s crashout around caving that I talk about in this post. Caving was on the List Of Potential New Life Passions before Shane decided the best thing about caving is the fact that you don’t have to do it. He is not dying in that fucking hole. This is fucking America. If he wants to succumb to the suicidal ideation, he is buying a gun and shooting himself in the fucking head. He is not dying in the asscrack of the earth. He is picking life for both of them today. They are simply not doing this.

The thing is that Rose and Shane are on a bender but they’re not in so much of a spiral that they thought it was a good idea to do baby’s first cave diving experience solo with no guide. They hired a local that taught lessons. But they can’t call her off because there’s no signal by the cave, and if she gets here and finds her caving prospects missing, she may think they’re Stuck In That Fucking Hole and call for search and rescue and they’re not doing that to local resources. They’ll wait so they can tell her to her face that Shane thinks she’s a goddamn crazy person for regularly allowing the earth to swallow her.

Rose asks him if he wants to talk about it.

Shane does not know what she’s referring to, but the answer is no, whatever it is. Rose tells him it’s good to talk about feelings. Shane feels like being friends with Rose has involved more emotional introspection than he has ever wanted to do, literally ever.

Rose knows it’s a bad day for him. She can read him pretty well by now.

And also it’s the first time he’s ever admitted out loud that he’s suicidal.

Rose and Shane talked enormously little before they did this. This was a fucking impulse move on both their parts, and then they were Suddenly In New Mexico and simply had to commit.

They made their reverse suicide pact. But they never super talked about the fact that they were both suicide risks. They just. Both knew they were. And didn’t discuss it. This is the first time Shane actually admitted it out loud.

Cmon. Talk to her. They’ve got time.

Shane feels emotionally honest conversations have historically gone very poorly for them.

Rose keeps wheedling him. Cmon. Does she need to get the book about processing your own emotions that they both read three pages of and then immediately hurled in the back of their car? She thinks it landed somewhere next to the book they got about recovering from your eating disorder. What’s Shane’s Big Feeling for the day?

Shane’s angry. That’s his feeling. That’s always his feeling. He is angry every single day. He was angry yesterday. He will be angry tomorrow. And he is scared that he will wake up every single day for the rest of his life and still feel angry.

And rose is like. Ah. Is it. Is it about how he went out, or, or how he couldn’t challenge the league’s determination that he was injured or… ?

Shane could challenge the determination.

Rose wasn’t there for Shane’s talks with his family or his lawyers. She was talking to her own people then. Dealing with her own destroyed life. She came in after everyone had left. She told him there was no way back for her, and he said it was the same for him, and then they both left. They didn’t talk about it after. And he never could bring himself to tell her that he had a way back he didn’t take.

But he did. He could challenge the determination. He would have won, too. His injury wasn’t career-ending. It wasn’t even season-ending. He could be playing right now.

He uh. There was another part. A part he didn’t tell rose about.

The League said they suspected him of rigging matches with his partner. And it was total bullshit. They didn’t even know who Shane’s partner was. They didn’t have a single fucking reason to thing Shane did that. It’s fucking insulting to even think he did. Shane was the best player in the fucking League. He didn’t need to cheat to win. He sure as shit wasn’t giving up matches for anyone. And he could have challenged that too, and he would have won.

But. The lawyers, they told him that if it came to a lawsuit the league could go after the texts with him. His, his identity. That was the only way back. If he wanted to play hockey, he’d have to out the guy he used to be with.

And every single person in his life wanted him to do it.

They all think he’s an idiot now, and. Fuck, worse. Everyone he has ever loved thinks he’s a stupid lovesick whore who threw his life away for some asshole’s dick.

Rose tells him that’s not true. Not his family. They don’t think that.

Yeah. You want to know the last thing his mom said to him before they left? That’d he’d done more than enough favors for this guy. That felt fucking great.

And she tried to take it back. He could tell she regretted it. But he wouldn’t let her. And now maybe the last conversation he’ll have with his mom was her calling him a whore and him telling her to get the fuck away from him.

He doesn’t know if he’ll ever be able to look his parents in the eyes again.

They sank so much into him. So much money and time and attention. His mom quit her job to manage him full time. This wasn’t just his career, it was hers too. He threw it all away and he doesn’t know how to face them after that. Especially when they think he did it over a hook up.

It’s not fucking fair.

He can’t do this to someone else. He can’t. It’s not fair that the only chance at ever playing again means he has to take someone else down with him. Well fuck that. Shane is not outing anyone. He cannot do that to another person, no matter who they are, but especially.

Especially not if it’s him.

Shane… Shane can talk about him with Rose. Admittedly she wasn’t super team “navy blue sheets” when they first talked but…

She can tell that he misses him, sometimes. There’s a look on Shane’s face. She’s always sorta thought that it was about him.

He can tell her about him if he wants. She’ll listen

No he can’t.

Shane is never talking about him again. It’s not about not trusting Rose. He thought talking about him the first time was safe and look where they are now. He’s not risking that ever again.

The only way he can make absolutely sure he’s safe is if Shane keeps him in his head.

And Shane needs him to be safe, because if he isn’t, this was all for fucking nothing. He would have given up hockey for nothing, and that will fucking kill him.

And Rose is like. Okay. She won’t ask.

But… it really was more, wasn’t it? More than sex. They had more.

It takes Shane a long time to answer. But eventually he’s like. Yeah. There was always more. To Shane at least, there was more. And sometimes he thought it was more for him too.

And he’s sick about feeling bad about that. So what if he was stupid and fell for a guy who probably didn’t like him back? That’s not a reason to fucking kill him.

He’s so angry. It eats at him every goddamn day. Do you have any idea the dumb fucking shit he’s seen his teammates do for a hookup? They didnt get bodied into the ice over it.

He didn’t do anything wrong.

That’s the thing that makes him angriest. He genuinely, genuinely did not do anything wrong. He had consensual sex with another adult. He talked about it with a friend in private. It’s not like he knew that a goddamn stalker was recording it.

He’s gay. And that’s not something bad that he did.

Took him his entire fucking life to figure that out. But it’s true. Being gay is not something bad he did. It’s not something he should have to feel sorry for, or embarrassed. And. Being with him wasn’t bad either.

He did not deserve to lose everything.

Shane can tell you the name of multiple players who have been convicted of rape and who the league still decided to give a contract to after they served their sentences. He can tell you the name of even more players who have been accused of rape and got off. He could not count the number of players who have called him a racial slur on all of his fingers and toes. And they all still get to play. The guy who bodied him from behind after the game was over, spat on him, and called him a faggot still gets to fucking play. They’re all fine but he’s the one that has to go.

And he was better than all of them.

Rose, he was better than all of them. But he’s the one who never gets to play again. What, because he was gay and wouldn’t out another player? Because they thought he should be embarrassed about how he likes it in bed? How about he comes into their house and judges their sex life. That’s not a reason to fucking destroy someone.

Rose, he is so fucking angry.

He’s trying. He promises that he’s trying. To, to do this fucking reverse suicide pact thing. To find something else to fill in the time for the rest of his miserable goddamn life. But everything they try he just. All he can ever think is how unfair it is that he has to do this instead of playing hockey. And he just gets angry again.

He doesn’t want to feel like this forever. He doesn’t. He is terrified that he is going to wake up angry every single day for the next fifty fucking years, and if that’s all he has waiting for him—

Rose, he swears to God he’s trying to find a way that this ends that doesn’t involve a bullet in his head. But he doesn’t want to feel like this forever. And he does not know how to stop.

He’s been thinking about Denmark. He’s trying not to. He knows, he knows it’s a bad idea to go down this road but—

Denmark’s supposed to be pretty good about the gay thing. They. They even had a hockey player come out a few months before everything happened with Shane. Shane saw it in the news. They let him keep playing after. Shane thinks he’s still playing. He can’t exactly go online to check if he still is, but… he hopes he’s still playing.

Shane started letting himself wonder if a European league would let him play even if the NHL won’t. They terminated his contract. He’s free to sign with another League.

He just wants to play again. He wants that every day. It hurts every day.

It’s a bad idea. He knows it’s risky. He’s supposed to have a career-ending injury right now. If it comes out that he doesn’t, he doesn’t know if the NHL will come after him again. And he’d have to explain to fucking Denmark or whatever league will consider him why he’s not injured and why the entire planet thinks he is and why he didn’t challenge the determination and…

Maybe he gets his fucking hopes up and immediately finds out he’s too much of an embarrassing whore for Denmark. Or maybe the NHL goes after him again the second he stops going away quietly.

Or maybe it all works out. Maybe they let him play, and he leaves everything behind for another country, and he leaves all of his loved ones on the other side of the fucking ocean for a chance to play again—if they even want to talk to him by then—

What if he does all that and he’s still angry?

Every time he tries to convince himself that Denmark’s an option, all he can think is that he shouldn’t have to be the one that leaves. He wanted to retire in Montreal. He wanted to play there forever. He gave them everything. Every other player in the goddamn league is going to one day play their last game and get sent off by their team with a fucking cannon farewell but Shane, he—

He didn’t even get to walk off the ice one last time.

He can still feel how the spit felt when it hit him. And the guy who did that to him is going to get to stay and play and retire to goddamn celebratory cannons. And Shane has to just feel angry.

Shane needs to find something other than hockey. He needs to. Because if he tries for Denmark and it doesn’t work out, then he… He’s not making it to another list or road trip or pact. He won’t have the strength to try something like this again.

If. If he goes to Denmark and he’s still this fucking angry, then Shane thinks that’s it for him. He thinks he’s done.

And Rose says okay. They’ll. They’ll try for something else. But if they don’t find something then. Denmark.

And he won’t be alone if he goes to Denmark. She’d follow him to Denmark. She’d follow him anywhere.

She’s the best friend Shane has ever fucking had. He wants her to know that.

And. If he could do it all again—fuck, he would change so much, actually. He would cut the goddamn WiFi to her house so fast. Holy shit he would break every one of those cameras with a fucking rock. He would single-handedly bring her home back to the fucking Dark Ages if he could do that night again.

But. If the only thing thing he could change about it all was meeting her, he’d still sit down at that table. She’s the best thing to ever happen to him. He’d do it all again.

Fuck. What’s—next on the list. How are they not killing themselves today since they are not going goddamn caving. What’s the next one to try.

Rose checks the List Of Potential Life Callings, which they wrote after 32 hours of wakefulness in the New Mexican desert before the painkillers had fully left Shane’s system.

And Rose Does Not Think Shane Will Like The Next One.

And Shane’s like. No no. Tell him. His mind is so open right now. Cross his heart. He’s so ready for his new life calling that’s less likely to kill him than continuing to chase hockey

And rose says. Origami art.

Shane buries his face in his hands.

And rose is like. Okay. Okay wait—

And Shane is like.

ROSE.

WHY WOULD WE WRITE THAT.

And Rose is like. just wait

But Shane says. IM NOT DEDICATING MY LIFE TO GODDAMN ORIGAMI ART.

And Rose is like. Wait

Shane folds their List O’ Passions unimpressively and not at all like a swan and hands it back to her. There. Life pursuit, failed. He sucked at it. Hated doing it. What did they write after fucking origami art—

Rose Does Not Think He Will Like That One Either.

It’s uh. Ice sculpting.

Shane closes his eyes for several moments.

Okay. Okay. He likes ice.

Shane likes being on ice. He doesn’t like sculpting ice.

He could. He could like sculpting ice. He could try. He’s so, so open right now. Best foot, forward. Let’s. Let’s do the ice sculpting thing. He definitely won’t want to shoot himself after.

Their guide finally arrives. And she’s like. Are you fucking Shane Hollander and Rose Landry.

And Shane’s like. No. Absolutely not. In truly unrelated news they have to leave immediately. Please keep their payment for the lesson and use the day to find a life passion that’s not squeezing herself through the asscrack of the earth. They Pick Life For Today At Least.

Rose is laughing so hard she can’t breathe. Wait wait wait wait wait. She thinks she wants to try caving actually. She thinks maybe it could be their thing.

It Is Not Their Thing. That Hole Is Where Light And Also Everything Else Goes To Die. They Are Simply Not Going Out That Way. Please excuse them, they have to go find some ice and sculpt the shit out of it.

Rose laughs until she falls over. No, no, she really thinks the caving thing is it for them. Please guide them into her hole—

Shane bodily picks her up and carries her down the goddamn mountain they’re on. Rose laughs herself sick the entire time.

And their guide is like. Wait. Wait. Are you two—

The thing is that as it turns out there was an unmarked, illegal trail cam apparently. By. By the. Cave. Where they were talking. Which. Recorded them. The video of which was then sold. To TMZ.

They were Got a second fucking time.

Anyway the whole thing really takes off in Denmark.

Like what a way to find out you’re winning the goddamn Olympics. Shane Hollander and his historical hockey talent can have gay freak sex anywhere he wants in their country. Please come as soon as possible, king, they need to process his citizenship before PyeongChang 2018. They will find him a handsome new male suitor and the best complex trauma specialist money can hire.

They’re a little bit superior about it. If Canada is too homophobic to have the greatest hockey player of all time, then they guess Denmark will have to take him. But they will cherish him and his crashout actress queen and he won’t have to flee their country. The people of Denmark think it’s great. They are erecting signs saying “WELCOME CRASHOUT HOCKEY PLAYER AND ACTRESS.”

The people of Canada goddamn hate that. They hate that so goddamn much. They like hockey SO much what the fuck do you MEAN they’re too homophobic for the greatest hockey player of all time. Denmark needs to get its slut hands AWAY from their hockey prince. Shane Hollander is a Canadian national treasure and it is not their fault that they lost him. He was in fucking Texas when he disappeared. This is America’s fault. The citizens of Canada strongly feel that any attempt to seduce Shane Hollander away from their borders should be considered an act of war.

In the distance, the people of Montreal try to burn their own city to the fucking ground.

Their team sucks for no goddamn reason. Shane Hollander has no career-ending injury. And they are about to lose him forever to the goddamn Danish.

They are the most hockey city in the most hockey country in the fucking world. They are a historically queer city. And they are too homophobic for the greatest hockey player of all time?

Shane Hollander carries within him the soul of Montreal itself, the city decides. He is gay. He is the hockeyest boy there ever was. He drives like he thinks he’s being fucking shot at. He is the most Montreal man to ever live. And he has to flee to fucking Denmark???

Matters. Escalate.

But Shane and Rose don’t know that. They are simply too offline.

The Canadian government eventually notices that Montreal’s been on fire for like nine consecutive days and is like. Hey guys. What’s. What’s going on there.

And the people of Montreal say WE WILL BURN THIS ENTIRE FUCKING COUNTRY DOWN

And the Canadian government says cool cool cool cool cool

So, there is this established principle in international law that I like to call “schoolyard politics.” But. No one else calls it that. This used to work more in the past because believe it or not we as a society used to have a collective sense of shame. It’s less of a thing now because well. America’s everything.

But back in the day, you could legitimately catalyze social progress by embarrassing your country on an international scale. And the best example of this is with W.E.B. Du Bois’s 1947 petition to the UN regarding the treatment of Black Americans.

There we were. Fresh off WWII. Skidding right into the Cold War. UN newly established. It’s first ever Commission on Human Rights barely a year old and established by the fucking First Lady of the United States. And America still cares about looking cool in front of its friends.

The NAACP shows up with a comprehensive list of all the ways America is a racist cesspit and dumps it on the UN’s desk and says “fix it.” And the fucking Soviet Union said, “WOW. Look at how bad it is in America. They treat their citizens so so bad. We should do something about that because America is so bad. That sure is embarrassing for AMERICA.”

Right at the start of the goddamn Cold War.

And the UN can’t actually do anything. They can like, be sad at America. Maybe impose an economic sanction. But they can’t change actual American law. Only America can do that. To hugely simplify it, the UN is just an elaborate system of peer pressure. You count on the fact that countries want to look cool in front of their friends and gain the economic benefits thereof.

America laughed nervously, and it pulled the NAACP aside, and was like “would you shut the fuck up? Shut the fuck up. You’re embarrassing me in front of my friends. Jesus Christ. Shut up and I will give you rights oh my fucking god.”

Don’t get me wrong, racist politicians tried to crush it. But it legitimately sparked domestic social and legal change. People brought that petition up on the congressional floor and said “LOOK AT THIS SHIT. THIS IS MAKING RUSSIA LOOK COOLER THAN US. ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS” and started talking about how urgent civil rights are because of America’s newer presence in the international community and then it became a major catalyst for progress in the civil rights movement. It was by no means the only important thing driving forward civil rights back then, but it sure did something.

If people make enough noise about something, the government will notice. And it is internationally embarrassing for Canada that the greatest hockey player of all time needs to leave the continent because of how badly he’s being hate crimed.

And eventually it escalates to the point where the Canadian parliament says WE ARE INVESTIGATING THE HOCKEY PLAYER SITUATION. PLEASE REMAIN CALM.

And the ambassador to Denmark gets asked by a reporter what he thinks about it and he’s like, “Oh Denmark is very proud of how we don’t hate crime our hockey players mid-game. Shane Hollander is very welcome to move to Denmark.”

To which the city of Montreal replies NO HES NOT. NO HES FUCKING NOT. WE WILL MELT THIS CITY LIKE THE GODDAMN ICE CAPS IF YOU TAKE HIM. DO YOU THINK WE ARE FUCKING AROUND.

And the Canadian government has to go to the Danish government like, “I specifically asked you not to do that.”

But the thing is, the NHL is an inter-country organization. And Shane Hollander got hate crimed in America by an American player. This is embarrassing for America too.

But wait, you say. It’s 2017. The White House had all the special problems back then that it has right now.

No. It doesn’t. Every story I have ever written is an AU where trump died of pertussis in 1948. It is so so tragic I know. #restsweetprince

President Sanders thinks this shit is FUCKED. What the fuck. Let that dude be gay. Wait you can’t fucking hate crime someone just because you’re playing a hockey game. It’s not the goddamn purge. Someone go arrest that guy.

So matters escalate in America too. Certain congressmen staring down the barrel of an election year start making noise about convening a house oversight committee to investigate the NHL’s handling of discrimination within the League. After all, just look at what they did to that crash out hockey player who’s become a meme like 37 times in the last month. Young voters like(?) that guy. And now so does this congressman.

So now the NHL suddenly has a lot of people very angry at them, and two world governments investigating them, and its most hockey city ready to erupt like fucking Vesuvius.

And the only thing they can think of to stop it is to find Shane Hollander.