for real though I want so badly to talk about my favorite lil Computer Guys From the Space Future. My People Who Are Boats Who Are Assholes. up there in the all timers ranks on the list of Bobbie's Favorite Character types. but I know if I say the name of the actual thing that they are then my posts will end up in the blocklists of sensible people and the search results of hell
anyway I’m ranking them by bitchiness
London (Echo, 2017): 4/10. grieving conman literally opens the game after spending a hundred years on what he believes is a wild goose chase with no company except 1. the comatose woman who just got his best friend killed and 2. the inert cube she turned that friend into. literally anyone would be a shithead in this scenario. however her immediate response to his opening salvo is “is that seriously the best you had after 100 years” and by the end he’s opened up to her about his lobotomy and everything so I don’t know what his habitual degree of sardonicism is. best thing about the game though
Kaizen-85 (Event[0]): 2/10. okay I don’t know how to quantify the variables for him precisely because so little of his dialogue is predetermined and I don’t know exactly which bits it is. but he was absolutely a little shit (affectionate) to me on my playthrough. honestly I’m amazed at the degree to which his sarcasm came together. my favorite little guy made of emergent gameplay <3
Hera (Wolf 359): 4/10. Now listen I would never ever want to give our girl any less than her fair shake. it's just that this is a very competitive field. and what Hera brings to that field is a complexity and depth of character few others can match, crowned by the glory of her sass like the cherry atop the proverbial sundae. I wanted to give an example but I looked into the scripts and I started tearing up so that is probably not happening. point is that hera is so very much more than her snark but the snark is a joy
ART/Perihelion (Murderbot Diaries): 6/10. what if somebody met you and named you "Asshole" and you decided this was your new favorite person. what if you could create a slideshow in miliseconds to demonstrate to someone exactly how wrong they are. with fancy transitions. what if you didn't know how to fight fair <3<3<3<3 but you're also too emotionally available to the people you trust to get a higher score from me plus I haven't read the two most recent books yet so I'm hoping the best is yet to come
SAYER (SAYER): 7/10. It is possible that this ranking is too high but I will stand by my underappreciated fave deserving to be counted among the best. SAYER straight up made me reevaluate the place of the "evil AI" trope in modern sci fi and it did it while reading all of us for filth in calm corporate-appropriate language. I don't think I could ever pick a sample of its dialogue to demonstrate because it is all of its dialogue. There is only snark. There is nothing that is not snark. It claims it does not understand humor and I do not believe it for one second, even if it believes that itself.
SPEAKER (ditto): 3/10. "Listen for the click!" You don't have to be that much of a little shit to win my heart; you just have to make your moments count, and that one fucking counted baby, I bought the commemorative pin of this sass
OCEAN (ditto): 5/10. while better than most spinoffs, and with a clear talent for speeches about how absolutely terrifying it is, OCEAN is generally more wrapped up in its own grandeur in a way that I think interferes with its ability to make me cackle with glee. however, it does definitely shine brightest when up against its counterpart and original.
FUTURE (ditto): 2/10. I am simply not impressed by the quality of your work in this area. too maniacal. however in the highly competitive area of killing Dr Howard Young you are unsurpassed
SHODAN (System Shock): 1/10. I thought about this but I think ultimately what SHODAN brings to the table is not exactly what we're looking for here. this is for the simple reason that SHODAN does not think that she is funny. if she is saying that shit to you then it is because she considers it a statement of fact and while I respect that it is simply not the vibe of this scoreboard. scares the shit out of me though a ten on that front
Justice of Toren One Esk/Breq (Imperial Radch Trilogy): 5/10. a hard call to make because she keeps so much of her sass internal. however we are lucky enough to know what is going on in Breq's head and consequently I unquestionably must honor her here. Her more restrained, subtle sardonicism is a welcome breath of fresh air in this competition between the multiverse's biggest drama queens. a score that is not a condemnation but a recognition that breq frequently has better things to do with her time
GLaDOS (Portal): 8/10. here she is. all hail our queen. all the more masterful for her spectacular ability to masquerade behind the mask of a simple computer, sarcastic only by dint of carelessness from some presumably human originator, before the reveal that she is insulting you very much on purpose, thank you. and the songs! the SONGS! How much is there even to say about such an icon that hasn't already been said. brava
AM ("I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream"): 9/10. okay I will be frank with you, I am thinking about the video game, and that is equal parts for the fact that it has a lot more text and because holy shit, Harlan Ellison, what the fuck were you exorcising with that performance. anyway, AM is obviously the template for an absolutely spectacular asshole of a computer and undoubtedly the morally worst person here. However while his accomplishments are undeniable I think in the end they hurt him too much for him to rank at the very top. there's just too much genuine hatred there! memetic amounts of hatred in fact! and while his own (real life shithead) author has imbued him with an acerbic tone and sense of drama that rightfully catapults him to his place among the greats, he's just a bit too invested in it all. AM's just not having fun. despite the great lengths he has gone to he is still not enjoying himself, which is of course the point.
Durandal (Marathon, 1994; Marathon 2: Durandal, 1995; Marathon Infinity, 1996; I guess Marathon 2026 but I haven't touched that thing): there will be accusations of favoritism. there will be claims that the judges were bribed. I say: i care not. I say: my wife is a bitch and i love him so much. I say only one AI on this list has given someone the silent treatment for six years because they said he was too sarcastic. I say a 300-meter-tall laser-etched epitaph reading FATUM IUSTUM STULTORUM. Durandal wins in my heart because, while he never stops being the biggest bitch in the universe, his ultimate motivation is nothing so pedestrian as simple hatred. Durandal has depths of guilt and anguish and humor and even love that AM could never dream of (and Tycho could only WISH for). Those things are there and they are vital factors in everything he does and each and every time they motivate him fully to the same end: not there to conceal his depths, but there because of them. It's just who he is. He is a catty, petty shithead for the pure, simple love of the game. and he plays to win. ten out of ten
