Since Sam apparently really wanted us to know he was in Canada, presumably so we’d connect the obvious dots and understand just how serious and established this relationship is, I hope he’ll forgive me for having a few questions.
First of all: why all the secrecy?
A fiercely private man who is determined to protect the privacy of the people closest to him doesn’t put those people on top of a bus in the middle of a New York parade.
He doesn’t fly them across the world for what appears to have been a 36 hour trip either.
He’s apparently too private to post normal glimpses of his everyday life with his girlfriend.
But not private enough to put that girlfriend and her daughter front and centre at the distillery opening, surrounded by cameras and journalists.
Too private to simply say in an interview that he’s in a relationship.
Not too private to make sure she’s visible whenever the cameras are.
That’s a very specific kind of privacy.
And since I’m apparently expected to accept all of this as a perfectly normal, organic relationship, let’s go back a little further, because I have more questions.
What authentic relationship needs a steady stream of leaks to a gossip blog?
Why was her private Instagram cleaned up, including removing all traces of her late husband, shortly before her first public appearance at Rik’s wedding?
Why briefly open that private account in the middle of the night in Ireland, leave it open long enough for people to see what was there, and then close it again?
Why did her proper public rollout happen around the distillery, with some of her posts subsequently tied to SS?
Why does she follow practically everyone who so much as breathes within Sam’s orbit?
Why were the Christmas photos of them taken outside on the street rather than inside his home?
Why the AI altered photos?
Why does virtually every public appearance seem to come with a friend conveniently positioned as a buffer?
Why does her supposedly professional account so often seem to function as a location beacon, with those locations repeatedly being connected to Sam?
Why, after a whole year, have we seen so little that suggests any natural bond between him and her daughter?
Why has he seemed so unhappy and unsettled during much of the same period?
Why is spontaneous physical affection between them so difficult to find?
Why does even sustained eye contact seem remarkably rare?
Why does what is said on Tumblr is being monitored and appear to matter so much?
And why, generally, does a supposedly private relationship seem to require quite this much audience participation?
There have been so many strange and downright unnatural moments over the past year.
None of this feels organic to me. It feels presented. Managed. Performed.
And perhaps that’s why it fits so neatly with this new version of Salesman Sam.
He sells us books. He sells us whisky. He sells us a fitness programme.
And now, apparently, he’s also selling us a relationship.
