Not Your Enemy So Don’t Make One Out Of Me

In high school economics class, we learned your rent should not exceed 1/4 of your income. So, at 50k that is 12.5k max, for the year's rent.

you might be smooth but you’ll never be as smooth as Joe from The Princess Diaries sweeping the queen into a tango saying “you’ve been wearing black too long” in his most alluring voice

you would think, like, "oh, we've already thought of all the metaphorical ways we can say penis/vagina. we've already come up with the full list of nicknames. we have exhausted the list of innuendos. there is nothing else new to be said about this" and then you'll open a random explicit fic and make the most improbable linguistic discovery of all time

would you like to share with the class 🤔

saw the term "gummy walls" last night and had to sit alone with god for a minute

would you like to unshare with the class

one time I went over to a friend's house and their housemate was making paper in the living room, and we saw this big tub full of water they were using to dissolve old scrap paper into a slurry, and everyone was immediately like "oh, you need scrap paper?" and started turning out their jacket pockets and producing expired coupons and bus tickets and crumpled receipts and old shopping lists and whatever else they'd been carrying round with them for no good reason, and passing it all to the paper-making housemate to make sure it was suitable before it got torn up and dropped into the tub, while people took turns stirring the slurry with a big wooden stick. it was strangely ritualistic, like presenting an offering to some kind of temple elder for inspection before placing it in a watery shrine to be devoured and reformed. pulp for the pulp god.

The “Thunk” will always kill me.

14/10 doing his best

i cant believe there are people who still havent seen this video

can i be honest tho i kinda hate makeup bc i love licking my lips and rubbing my hands on my face like a cat or a fly annd i also love wiping my eyes like a sleepy infant all the time so basically i cant do it

“my father is a boy and my mother is a girl so i’m mixed” is the funniest possible response to someone asking your gender and it came from 6’5 Viking footballer and notable weird little guy Erling Haaland on a Snapchat

Back when I was a redditor (😔) I realized a strange phenomenon. No one cares about your original posts, but if you make the post on another site and screenshot it, people assume it’s a tweet from someone who is known/is funny/etc and the post would do way better

you ever notice how covid cases have spiked since the cock destroyers split up? can’t be a coincidence 

since the what

it's called a ball python because it is a python(🐍) that ball(🟠)

this is going around again and the tags are full of people talking about printing it out to put in their breakroom or cubicle or sending it to their coworkers, which fills me with great joy. vast diversity of professions represented also. zoos. labs. summer camps. restaurants. garden centers. libraries. schools. many reports from the brave warriors of assorted retail. a truth universally acknowledged: if there is a sign a customer will not read it <3 and they don't read emails either <3