MadhaviMudling

But it has never been text. Her relationship with her gender is COMPLICATED for reasons that seem both internal and external, but it IS canon that she sometimes presents more feminine when she's with Lestat.

But this idea that she starts solely presenting as masc after becoming a vampire isn't true. She's still wearing gowns in the coven in Auvergne in modern day!

So far, the GLIMPSES we've seen of her aren't conflicting with her character in the books.

Gabrielle de Lioncourt is someone with a complicated relationship to gender written by someone with a complicated relationship to gender, which also guides a lot of interpretations. Anne Rice, herself, was pretty feminine presenting, but she often spoke about feelings of gender non-conformity. This is also a valid interpretation. And yes, I do think gnc people who don't fit neatly into one box or another also deserve representation.

gender is a frivolity, a thing to be shaken off like when a dog shakes its coat after emerging from the water

disclaimer that this is not about if the scene on the train actually happened as portrayed, or if what lestat said was acceptable. this is about the words said in season 1 episode 6 and what lestat may have meant, and if it could be lestat "threatening claudia with rape"

this is the exchange that is being referred to:

Lestat: [Louis]'s very fragile right now, worse than the last time you abandoned him, when you filled your head with knowledge and hitched a ride on a motorbike. Well, you wouldn't talk of it. Louis insisted I not ask. I love our family, but the rules are "no secrets." Fortunate for our family, when I put my mind to it, I can hear the thoughts of other vampires at a very great distance. Claudia: Bastard. Lestat: He thinks of you often. Bruce. Claudia: Fucking bastard. Lestat: I couldn't agree more. What he did to you was in very poor taste. Could you imagine if something like that happened to you again? Louis would never forgive himself.

the threat would be in the rhetorical question, that he is insinuating that if claudia leaves, she will be assaulted again. some take it a step further to say that lestat is implying he will be the one to do it. i used to believe it was the line he threatens to kill her which makes this impression, because he's been misquoted a few times as saying he won't "just snap her leg", which is possible to read as a promise to do everything bruce did and kill her afterward. but no, after looking at the script and rewatching i confirmed this is what he says: "Because if you try this again, Claudia, I won't snap your leg, defile your pocket, and zoom off on a motorbike. I'll turn your bones to dust."

and after he says that, the rhetorical question no longer sounds like an insinuation that she will be assaulted. because he's saying if she runs away, he won't do what bruce did, and he will kill her before there's a chance for anything like that to happen to her again, so that louis won't be consumed by it.

we know the actual threat to louis' happiness is in claudia's absence, and lestat says as much ("We endure each other for Louis' happiness. So come home and make him happy."). lestat knows from experience that if claudia leaves and louis is left wondering about her, louis will be miserable and fixated on her. her death would also greatly challenge louis' mental well-being and their relationship, but the way i see it from lestat's point of view is that if claudia is dead, louis can't obsess over if she's okay, and lestat wouldn't have to worry about her returning and upending his life with louis again. to lestat, if louis needs claudia to stay in order to be happy but claudia doesn't want to stay with louis and lestat, she's better off dead. which is vile but also quintessential season 1 lestat imho

This is the episode that caused fans to lose their shit because Gabriella was "hyperfemme"

#this fandom really doesn't like it #when gnc doesn't just equal #looks like a dude

And keep coming back to how...idk I don't want to say Niall or Ruben was doomed. There were, in fact, many junctures where the show presented opportunities for either one of them to take other paths. Some were closed to them, some they ignored, and some they took only to take a bad turn down the road. But there is this persistent sense that all it all goes back to that alluded to shared childhood we never quite see. It was all seeded in trauma and social conditioning long before we see Niall and Ruben reunite as teenagers.

But what I still find really interesting is how the show rebutts time and again what we hear ad nauseum nowadays in response to dysfunction. "Get therapy", "seek support", "there are resources" etc etc. Bc not only were those things seemingly not provided to Niall or Ruben when their first traumas took place (the fucking gut punch that Niall's mom was a social worker all along), but Niall and Ruben do end up in counseling later in life and it doesn't magically fix them!!!!

The times progress. Things change so much from when they were boys (without a father, with a terribly abusive one). Niall being gay isn't supposed to be a big deal, he spends time in-treatment for a nervous break and receives favors and support from friends and family for years while he tries to course correct his life; Ruben reads a ton of books and even gets anger management counseling as part of his prison sentence as the justice system adapts more rehabilitative models as opposed to punitive. And Ruben still fucking kills Niall!!!

There *was* some kinda help or intervention there but for both of them it was in this context of like... whatever bare minimum social services you gotta comply with once something undeniably Bad has happened. It wasn't enough.

The more I think about it the more I feel like the scene that is the key to the whole series is the tickling scene in episode one. Maura touches Niall, a child in her care, in a way that is not un-sexual. Niall keeps saying no, and is ignored. Lori just watches, and then says "I thought you'd like it because you used to have a crush on her". The idea that Niall is allowed not to want to be touched is unimaginable, because he's a guy, and guys are supposed to always be up for sexy horseplay.

Same for Niall losing his virginity to Mona(-slash-Ruben). He genuinely doesn't want to do it; even after Ruben gets involved and he becomes aroused, it's something he goes along with rather than actively pursuing. Later on he tells the story like it's a wild night, and only Alby is able to say that that's actually really fucked up.

I've seen people mention this line of dialogue ("This is what you've always wanted from me...") they were more like "oh he always knew" etc. and yes, there's that going also, but I think one big reason why he says it is because, in that violent moment, he suddenly becomes his father and says what his father said when he raped him, now with Ruben as the aggressor, especially if he talked back to his father like Niall did.

Ruben has been reliving and reenacting his own abuse since the start of the series, he always felt like less of a man and of a person (half-man) by what his father did to him as a child and since then has been overcompensating and trying to adhere to the ideals of masculinity of the time, most of them toxic. And one of the ways to do that is to be a dad. From the start he sees Niall as someone who needs protection, and thus becomes his protector, and because the cables are crossed in his subconscious, he puts himself as the ideal person to protect someone: a brother, a father, sometimes being Niall's best friend, sometimes infantilizing (calling Niall son, dancing on his shoes) and becoming his protector (beating the ever-loving shit out of Alby for hurting Niall. Not only that but it's a combo of hurting someone he cares about and hurting the person he projects his lost innocence on, so his anger is made even more explosive).

There is only one other time we see Ruben in a sexual situation with Niall before this scene, but this is the first time that it's physically violent. I'm not sure Ruben even realizes that he's saying what his father said to him when he raped him.

Also i can't help but think about Ruben saying sometimes he would come from his father's assault on him, and the messiness of that statement and the above information paired up with Niall's internalized homophobia and shame and desire and abuse, and how Niall always tops in an attempt to be like Ruben, and how these two scenes -> are parallels encapsulating everything above while also showing the root and the escalation of their relationship.

"Ruben has been reliving and reenacting his own abuse since the start of the series..."

"I'm not sure Ruben even realizes that he's saying what his father said to him when he raped him."

"...since then has been overcompensating and trying to adhere to the ideals of masculinity of the time, most of them toxic. And one of the ways to do that is to be a dad. From the start he sees Niall as someone who needs protection..."

"...it's a combo of hurting someone he cares about and hurting the person he projects his lost innocence on, so his anger is made even more explosive."

YES, it always seemed obvious to me that ruben saying "this is what you've always wanted from me" was just a common thing people say in the heat of the moment when they're assaulting someone. People seem to be taking it too literally.

And keep coming back to how...idk I don't want to say Niall or Ruben was doomed. There were, in fact, many junctures where the show presented opportunities for either one of them to take other paths. Some were closed to them, some they ignored, and some they took only to take a bad turn down the road. But there is this persistent sense that all it all goes back to that alluded to shared childhood we never quite see. It was all seeded in trauma and social conditioning long before we see Niall and Ruben reunite as teenagers.

But what I still find really interesting is how the show rebutts time and again what we hear ad nauseum nowadays in response to dysfunction. "Get therapy", "seek support", "there are resources" etc etc. Bc not only were those things seemingly not provided to Niall or Ruben when their first traumas took place (the fucking gut punch that Niall's mom was a social worker all along), but Niall and Ruben do end up in counseling later in life and it doesn't magically fix them!!!!

The times progress. Things change so much from when they were boys (without a father, with a terribly abusive one). Niall being gay isn't supposed to be a big deal, he spends time in-treatment for a nervous break and receives favors and support from friends and family for years while he tries to course correct his life; Ruben reads a ton of books and even gets anger management counseling as part of his prison sentence as the justice system adapts more rehabilitative models as opposed to punitive. And Ruben still fucking kills Niall!!!

These methods only work if you want them too. You have to WANT to change in order for meds and therapy and books and classes to work. The thing is, neither one of them were willing to actually put on the work to change, because neither one of them were willing to be vulnerable and authentic enough to open about what they want to change, and that it was bad to begin with, and has been bad and carried with silent suffering for so long.

By the time Niall and Ruben actually get to a point were they’re willing to change- when Niall can finally face Ruben and say, “I’m gay”, and Ruben can finally face Niall and say, “I’m a survivor of incestual CSA” It’s Too Late, because the sum of their toxic and maladaptive behaviors accumulated in Niall fucking Mona and siring Baird, which is a mistake Ruben simply can’t forgive.

I think that for Ruben to ask Niall, “you love me, don’t you? where do you feel it?” it is genuinely deranged because it weaponises all those vulnerable things Niall has spent his life trying to bury deep down inside him. Ruben knows Niall is gay. He's just gotten married and is trying to act like everything is normal. And still, Ruben reaches directly for the one thing he knows that it will unravel him instantly: intimacy.

Not sex nor romance, necessarily. Something worse. Recognition.

What makes Ruben terrifying is that he does not ask questions unless he already knows the answer. The only reason he asks is because he needs to hear Niall say it out loud. He needs proof that after the abuse, the betrayal and the years of hatred, he still lives inside Niall more deeply than anyone else ever will.

And I think all of this becomes even more devastating after Ruben admits in episode 5 that, despite all the pain they have caused each other, Niall is still the only person he trusts blindly. His confession and the vulnerability of it completely reframes the question: “You love me, don’t you? where do you feel it?”

Because it is not just a provocation anymore. It is Ruben asking for Niall's absolute vulnerability one final time. He wants Niall to trust him enough to open himself completely despite everything Ruben has done to him.

Which is insane, considering Ruben is the person who taught Niall that intimacy and pain are inseparable in the first place.

And the “where do you feel it?” part is what makes it so invasive. It makes it physical. Ruben is essentially asking Niall to locate him inside his body.

He does this because he knows it will make Niall deeply uncomfortable. There is no way Niall would ever be able to answer that question without confronting how entangled they are. There is no safe response. That's why you can see that twitch in his neck.

I also think it’s the exact same impulse behind “who am I?” and Ruben's need for Niall to answer, “your brother from another lover.” Ruben needs Niall to reaffirm the bond between them because all he wants it is for both of them to know that he still matters most, still irreplaceable.

And what makes it tragic to me is that Ruben’s identity only feels real when reflected back at him by Niall. He needs Niall to name him, define him.

I love how their relationship is built on this compulsive mutual witnessing.

And of course Niall felt hurt when he found out Ruben tried to make amends with everyone from his past but never once reached out to him. Even when they hate each other, they are still asking the same question over and over again:

Do you still carry me inside you?

And Ruben is right.

in my experience, it's not always comforting to hear 'someone who really cared about you wouldn't do that' because it trivialises the relationship that existed before, during, and maybe after the assault.

you're not only violated by this person.

you're betrayed.

They loved each other. Their love is pure and genuine, and they were supposed to be end-game.

They don't love each other, and their relationship is just abuse.

I think Ruben loved Niall in the same way he loved his mother and Mona. Both two women he hurt, badly. It's impossible to remove the fact that Ruben loved Niall, but his love for Niall doesn't negate or override the abuse and the fact that he is an objectively messed up and evil individual who's love did not stop him from harming Niall.

His love for Mona doesn't negate the fact that he abused her as well. Or that he apparently hit his mother.

It doesn't negate the fact that Ruben's father probably loved him and still assaulted him.

His relationship with Niall, and the axis which love and abuse exists is easier to see when you see Ruben's relationship with everyone else in his life. Niall isn't that different than them.

Yeah, I believe Ruben loved Niall because he was family to him (as the main factor), just like Maura and Mona, but also that brotherly best friend type of way too. He also abused (or was abused) by every family member he loved or who loved him. Ruben and Niall's feelings for each other didn't really come across to me as romantic, which seems to be the opposite of what other people are saying.

They absolutely loved and adored each other. That's why Richard Gadd keeps saying things like they had a cosmic bond, and their love was transcendental. But there's more to love than just the romantic type. Richard has said their how their bond transcends description. I think viewers reducing it to just romantic love simplifies it too much. It was so much more than that, stop limiting it.

And their bond being "cosmic" or "transcendental" doesn't necessarily mean that's a completely good thing. It means their bond is incredibly complex and complicated, and had a huge impact on both their lives. And part of that was trauma bonding.

I personally don't ship the characters (as they are). But I could easily ship different versions of them, say where things had gone differently when they were younger. The fantasy 'what if' versions of them.

In conclusion, I would never say someone's interpretation of their bond is right or wrong of course. It's art, and people can view art differently. What I love about Half Man is that some things are left up to interpretation, and that is a beautiful thing. Sometimes I Like or reblog posts about an interpretation very different to my own, not because I necesarily agree with it, but because I find their points interesting and valid and food for thought.