Flash, Transformers, and Ramblings About Psychology

Evan McCulloch debuted in 1989 in Animal Man #8, which was written by the actually-Scottish Grant Morrison. And he talked like this:

Haw! Howzitgaun, pal! Name's McCulloch. But you can call me the Mirror Master. Awright? Well, come on, pal. Don't just sit there like a fart in a trance! Get up and fight!...."Uh"? "Whuh"? That's what I love about America, by the way. The high standard of education. Pure dead brilliant, so it is! And away and put some clothes on, you big dough-ball! I've just not got the heart to shoot a guy that look like a refugee toley-poker from Kelvinide!...Well, bugger this for a game of sojies! If you're not down here in three seconds flat, I'm coming up after you!....Well, you've been a bit of a troublemaker, haven't you? Messing up a military research program, assisting subversive animal rights groups. The people I work for want to teach you a wee lesson. They want you to know they can get you. Disny matter what you're doing or where you are. Your family as well. Distance no object.....That's something I forgot to mention about this place. It can get a wee bit confusing sometimes....What's up, pal? Wee bit too much of the bevvy? Here. Let me give you a hand.....Never mind, pal. Things might get a wee bit spooky when I'm about, but I'll let you in on a secret. It's all done with mirrors!

Heh! What a tosser!..Awright, awright. Keep your knickers on, hen. You're a right wee stoatir, eh?.....You're what you might call a human looking glass now....Serves you right as well, ya mental bastard! Anyway, hope you don't mind me using this family heirloom as a getaway mirror, but it's time I was on my weary way. Just you remember, this was only a warning. I'll leave you to reflect on that for a wee while. 

Then, in Animal Man #21, Morrison gave us more of the accent, as well as McCulloch's moral code:

 What have you done to your hair?...Aye, well, I suppose that's one way of putting it. What did you use? A combine harvester? Awright, awright. Now it's like what I told you...there's three of these guys, right? Corporate high heegins that didn't like the way their business was being hit by all youse environmentalists and greens and what-have-you. So they set up this wee boys club to help put the wind up people they thought might turn out to be dangerous. That's you we're talking about. A superhero fighting for animals? No way! So then they hires me to frighten you. But you wouldn't take a telling, so they decided to teach you a big lesson. When I said there was no way I was going to kill a woman and her weans, they gave my job to this other guy, right? "Lennox", the "White Owl"...don't know his real name. You listening to me?   Eh...the phone might've been me. I tried to get in touch to warn you, like. I mean, I'd have done it sooner but the bastards at British Telecom cut my phone off after I never paid the bill...Aye. Right. Fair enough. Just don't kill them all until I've got back the money they owe me. Well? Come on and we'll do some damage....That's the place there. I managed to plant one of my special mirrors in the men's lavvies...that's the executive washroom to you. You listening? What you up to?...I'm getting worried about you, by the way. I mean, what's the game with that chib you've got in your pocket? Somebody could get a nasty cut off that thing, eh? I don't know....the goodies are worse than the baddies these days....You talk some amount of mince, pal. I'll tell you that for nothing. Planet Earth is calling, awright? Now, you see this here? All these mirrored windows everywhere these days. Pure magic, so it is! They're doing my job for me! You coming, then? I'm for a total rammy!...Howzitgaun, Mr. Brumley?...Naw, you can keep your heart condition. We just want your money! There you go, see? I've even brought your jaisket for you. And what's this? You 'blankety-blank" checkbook, and pen, if I'm not mistaken. And where's Mr. Lennox, by the by?....Aw, you don't say? Much is that you're giving me? On your bike, pal! That's sweetie-money. You can easy afford ten times that amount. And while we're at it, we'll have a million for Greenpeace. Gesture of goodwill, you might say. Aye, you're a saint, Mr. Brumley!....What in the name of...aw naw!... What? Ha! You must be joking!....I don't know. I'm still not sure how that one works. Right. I'm going to have a wee root around. See if there's anything worth nicking....Animal Man? That's me on my weary way now. Animal Man?....Aye. Well, you've made a right dog's dinner with old Lennox, eh? 

Morrison also wrote McCulloch in one issue of the Flash (specifically, Flash vol. 2 #133):

Forget it, pal. She's away in a world of her own. Typical lassie, eh? It's what you might call a mirror dimension. Time goes backwards in there. And the further back you get, the faster it goes, know? So...the short story is I'm not sure when you guys started dating, but at the speed she's going, I'd say you've got about fifteen minutes before your classy bird there reverses right out of your life, big man. So think fast...Aye. Can't hear you. Can't see you. Can't feel you. Can't even smell your sweaty yellow boots anymore, Flash. Your wee lady here is in a world of her own. By the way, big man---I didn't save up for the shiny toys and the fancy dress for a lark, y'know. The name's Mirror Master, awright? Mind now? Flash versus Mirror Master. Just like the good ol' days, eh?....Ah, you greetin'-faced toilie! You should know the score by now. We're second-generation super-people. We're supposed to have a bad attitude. That's the keech in your coffee, pal...You try spending time in Hell. Watch this. Fast-breeding, self-reflecting holograms generated by a single code. Press the button and they breed like tims. Excellent, so they are....Eleven minutes? I thought you were the Flash. Eleven minutes is like a fortnight in Rothesay to you....But I'm not even here, pal. See?...Nine minutes. Ding-dong! Avon calling!.....You, pal, are talking to a Scottish creep, and believe me, its a proud family tradition. Check the mirrors. There was something that old-fashioned guy said on the Hogmannay show, what was it again? Something about seeing ourselves as others see us? That's what all youse see now when you look in the mirrors. It's a hypnotic induction code, they call it. All done with subliminal lights on my suit. Scary biscuits, eh?

Occh, shut up. There's loads of good books in Braille. Like Playboy, big man. Ha Ha! Ha Ha! Only joking. Look at this, eh? Sorry, you can't look, can you? Hold on. I'll try and describe it: these wee gizmos do the business, man. They reflect empty space. Aw, its mad physics, know? Look at that, eh? Surrealism! That's like a ten jelly trip to some of these wee guys in the schemes! So where's the super-polis? Cause I'm right out the window with everybody's money in a minute. Ahh...the bank that likes tae say yes. As they say on the telly, Is the manager in? Seven and a half minutes on the clock, Flash. Guy's a total spastic. Bet he's still tryin to figure out how to et out of that rainbow Flash trap. I'm just thinking about him running about like a loony, man. SU-perb. Know something? They're right about money bein the root of  evil and all that. Cause I'm telling you, man. I take one look at this and I'm feeling like a right evil swine. Gaun yourself, McCulloch....Away and raffle yourself! I'd like to see you do any better with the wall mirrors and a old filling. Get stuck into him, wee man!...Awright, man? How's it going?....I didn't expect you for another two seconds. That wee mirror world is excellent, isn't it? The backwards signs are a dead giveaway though. Still, never mind. Your card's marked now. Cheerio.... Eh?...Are you a head-case or something? I can't do hee-haw without the central processor!...Aye. I'm serious. Awright...the stolen dosh, the escape plan, the lassie moving backwards in time...that wee dollybird you're going out with is going to disappear back into her maw's belly if I don't find the gadgets to get this working again. Kudzu Tech in Singapore's the only place that makes them...What's the matter with you? English your second language or something? I said the wee one!...That's the boy. Were in business again. A whole minute left to save your sex life.....You don't. That's the choice you have to make, big man. Me or the bird.....Why does anybody do anything? The money, man. We do it for the money. A guy can never have enough notes in his pockets. To buy better gizmos and pull bigger jobs to make more money to buy better gizmos and pull bigger jobs. It's a bit like two mirrors reflecting into infinity, know?...But I'm a man of my word. Tell that wee doll of yours I was asking for her....The game's a bogy! None of the gizmos are working!...Eh? Are you joking? Is a wee polis cell with no windows supposed to put my gas at a peep? I've got the brains and the toys to turn this whole city into something out of Salvador Dali, man!...Aw, c'mon.....Aye, fair enough. The thing with the lights was a wee cracker. You win fair and square.  

As you can see, Morrison's take on Evan McCulloch talked a lot, and with a very distinctive Glasgow burr--but without the extensive phonetic spelling that other writers used to make it clear that the character was, in fact, Scottish. Instead, Morrison primarily relies on cultural references and regionally specific slang. Since Morrison is from Scotland, it isn't surprising that the depiction comes across as authentic, even if I have no idea what McCulloch is supposed to be saying at least a quarter of the time.

Unfortunately for later writers, Morrison's voice for Evan was extremely distinctive, and very difficult for writers from other backgrounds to copy.

Thus, a recurring parade of (mostly) American authors vs the Glasgow burr began.

Mark Waid was first, in Flash vol. 2 #105:

 Hurn...hurn...Believe me, Flash--a' did not know there were such dangerous creatures in this place. Hurn...hurn...All a' did was smash one wee mirror--an' it started a chain reaction. Before a' knew it there was a beastie after me....A' need your help, laddie....No, laddie. That's not the problem. The problem is...a'm in love. Do ye think only lads on th' right side of th' law c'n take a fancy t' someone?

Then I found somethin’ left by ma predecessor--the first Mirror Master--as a’ was muckin about his old lab. A sheaf o’ notes, y’see. Representin’ his research into somethin' called anti-tachyons. The kind o’ notes that might give a smart lad like me a door into the flippin’ mirror dimension. Mind ye, it took courage to make th journey. But a' could not live in my predecessor’s shadow forever.....Still a’ was struck dumb by what a' saw, ma poor heart pumpin' so hard a' thought it'd burst. It was th' flip side t' every reflective surface on Earth--every bit o' glass an' chrome an' soda water. The first Mirror Master must have spied on his marks here.

As you can see, the phonetic spelling becomes much more prominent when Waid attempts to write the accent, and Evan's casual, almost rambling style of conversation is swapped out for something more serious and straightforward.

Waid also, unfortunately, kind of mucks up Evan's moral code by making him a predatory stalker.

Then Geoff Johns took his crack at the accent.

He started out effectively doing a variation on Waid's version of the accent, as seen in the Wonderland arc:

 It does look a wee bit bad on my part, don't it? But yer as much at fault as I am, Cold......Y'know they aren't real, don't ye? Nothing in this place is, Flash! Just smoke and mirrors. Hard light constructions. An exact copy a' the real world, with a few alterations. A virtual prison...or paradise depending on your point of view. And that's what all matter and light really is. Reality is just an objective point of view.....'Ere's the one...that'll do me....We've got ta get out soon, Flash. Like I told ye, our presence is gonna cause this place ta fold in on itself. That glimmer there, it's the start. I just need a large, reflective surface ta---.......It was taken. Yeah, "lifted up", awright? When something travels ta another world via the mirror lands, it leaves a kind a' soot behind. Nasty stuff, like this.....Light waves have been striking this sign all day. By twisting the photon impressions and expanding them into the visible spectrum, well....it's like watching yer TV at fast forward. 

McCulloch also briefly became a comic book science exposition machine.

Then the accent starts becoming a bit more erratic, as seen in Flash vol. 2 #212 (Johns' Evan spotlight issue):

 I know what a lot of 'em say about us. 'Bout the Rogues. Dressin’ in these bleedin’ costumes. Playing snakes and ladders with the Flash. Howzitgaun, Alice?...O'er here, Alice.....That's seven years bad luck. Or.. it woulda been.....I don't have too many memories from early on. Nothin' before those days at the orphanage in Kirkcaldy. It was like them Anderson fairy tales. The real ones. Nasty stories a' revenge and death and all. Not them kiddie versions. I was left on the doorstep, wrapped in a blanket. A picture of m' parents slipped inside. A real tear-jerker, eh? Miss McCulloch was th' one who found me there. She ran that house like the old lady who lived in a shoe. Tried ta be a mother to us all. Still remember that smell of hers. Like cinnamon and soap. From the cookin' and the cleanin'. Aye. Cinnamon and soap...made the world awright.....I still send Miss McCulloch a share from every job I pull. Help keep that place up. S'all anonymous a' course. Every Scotsman knows--ye never do a good deed just ta brag about it, do ye? Ye just do it cuz it's right. 

 Next thing I know, I run inta this fellah named Weather Wizard. One of the Rogues. Bunch a' thieves and such. Always goin' up against the Flash. Welcomes me ta the game. Says we oughta team up....Fightin' the Flash. Fastest Man Alive. Ain't so fast ta me. I weave webs a' light. Hero versus villain. Villain versus hero. That's what I do now. Th' great American way. 

Naw, Cold. Got me own plans tonight....The real world...S'just not for me. Spat on my face, took my life and twisted it around. Made me inta somethin' I didn' choose ta be. I ain't ever goin' back. I ain't ever leaving Wonderland.

Note: Evan's "plans" are doing cocaine in a gross bathroom. And his accent seems to vacillate between Scottish and "tough guy American" between sentences.

Eventually, Johns apparently just quit trying altogether, which gave us the utterly bizarre hodgepodge accent we saw in Rogues Revenge #2:

No one’s said no to ’im....Who done it, Gambi?...Aye. There yeh are. Stupid %$&@#s.....Aye. Quit yer whinin', eh?....Kid might not be James Jesse...but ah'm not Sam Scudder. Difference between us and yeh carryin' on...our predecessors aren't breathin', eh?.....Aye. Yoor father's waitin'....What don't yeh get?....We went light on 'em considerin' what they did ta Gambi and diggin' up Cold's old man. Take uh long look at them pretenders, eh? Yeh think the Rogues jus' welcomed me in wit' open arms 'cause I wuz wearin' this getup? There wuz another Mirror Master before me, and takin' his place weren't nothin' easy. They made me earn it. Yeh want to stick around insteada endin' up like those pretenders...yeh gotta earn it too....Yeh don't tell Cold why yeh wanna be here--yeh tell him why ya need ta be here. 

I think he has like 5 different accents here. In particular, "gotta" does not seem as though it would read super naturally with a Scottish accent, and "Who done it, Gambi?", feels more like a working-class American accent.

Most recently, Si Spurrier took a crack at the accent:

Och---how about that? Set a big aul' bear trap in case one o' youse speedsters tracks us doon--instead we catch a scrawny wee rodent. Yeh weren't invited, lass....Aye. But well-informed or otherwise, I've no use for a bairn playin' the big shot. Be a terrible waste o' all this tech, lettin' a wee brat like ye ruin the operation. Time to shut it doon. And ye can just bloody burn, eh?....Well, well, well. What do we have here? A pair o' wee bugs, caught between th’ walls....Heh. The bairn cannae hear ye, lass. Astral membranes, y’see? Parabolic mirrors, makin’ loops ootae light and space...even aul’ Wally couldnae get close....Oh, aye. This is all for him. Isolatin’ him...breakin’ him doon...showin’ him what he needs to see. Be a real pain in the jacksie if not fer th’ reward...Heh. Youse two are cute. And right. In about three seconds Little Miss Science Class there's due tae make a wee breakthrough with, ahh...interestin' side effects...Hah! Not me, laddie. Her. She's tinkerin' wi' cosmic craziness now. I just...focused it a wee bit. Funny thing is, this is exactly how I lured aul' Wally into a trap the first time round. Hah! And you know the best part? She thinks it's all her idea! Enjoy yer new wavelengths, kiddies. And, eh...say hullo to the other lads. 

I think he's got the best version of the accent we've seen since Morrison--although given how bizarre Johns' take was, that might not be saying all that much.

Digger serves as an interesting counterpoint to Evan, because, while he is Australian, he was not created by an Australian writer, so his accent does not have a "normal" or "mostly correct" baseline. Instead, we get an accumulation of writers gradually remembering that Australian people have different accents from Americans and attempting to demonstrate that fact.

John Broome (first appearance, Flash vol. 1 #117 in 1960): Well, sink me if this isn't an incredible coincidence! Here I was just prepared to launch myself on a new chapter of my criminal career--using a boomerang--when I read this advertisement! "Will become national celebrity"!...Hmmm! I intended to do that anyway but this will make it easy! And I shouldn't have any trouble landing the job considering the years I spent in the Australian bush hiding out from the law....Tip-top, Mr. Wiggins!....I couldn't have designed a better one if I'd done it myself!....Yes, sir---so far everything is working out great! I've got the job---and the uniform! From now on my plan ought to roll....The police? Ha ha! Small chance they have of catching me! I've thought of everything. Even if the Flash should get on my tail--I have a plan for that too! 

If he didn't mention the Australian bush, you wouldn't know he was Australian at all.

Cary Bates, Flash vol. 1 #227 (1974): Blimey! I was enjoying the ride to the new state pen! So why this stopover?....Good! I hope you get blown up instead of me! Hey, how about taking off this bloody straightjacket while I'm locked up here?...Thanks a heap, creep!...I have to hand it to myself for planning ahead for tough times like this! Last year I went to every jail within a hundred miles of Central City, secretly planting special getaway boomerangs! As each getawayrang was tossed into a cell, it dropped out of sight, where it would remain unexpected till an emergency rose. And me in a straightjacket on the way to the choky sure ranks in the emergency department!.....From me to you, Barry Allen...for rubbing me the wrong way! Huh? The bloke popped out of sight!...Th-the Flash? Where from down under did he come from?

Cary Bates realizes that Digger is supposed to have an accent. Unfortunately, his ability to indicate that in this issue is limited to "blimey", "bloke", and "bloody", none of which are exclusively Australian, and which ultimately leaves him sounding...arguably kind of British.

This issue also introduced us to Digger's Pre-Crisis dad, Aussie Green, who, in spite of his name, sounded even more British than his son:

Ha! Even if those bobbies check out every nut and bolt on that wagon, they'll find no bomb. The call was a hoax, engineered to get Digger off the street and into police headquarters.....He's wakin' up, son. You sure he won't be vibratin' himself loose?....Bully! It makes the perfect ending for my scrapbook!

"Bully"? Is this guy Theodore Roosevelt or what? And "bobbies", of course, is slang for London police officers.

Bates continued to attempt the accent, but it quickly became clear that the only words he knew to indicate "Australian" were the aforementioned "bloody", "blimey", and "bloke", plus "fair dinkum" and "mate":

Flash vol. 1 #243-244, Bates: But what did the old boy in?...I've always pegged Flash for a millionaire playboy!....Blimey! That rat's gonna take Central City with him!....Ah, there you are, old foe! Perfect timing, I must say!...How droll! But it will take more than quick quips to help you now!...Too stunned for words, Flash? It's just what it looks like--a remote-controlled fleet of flying boomerangs!...That's it, Flash. Go into your old routine--launch a protective air-break with your super-speed--because it's your super-speed that's powering the special batteries in my boomerangs. That now makes them as fast as you--and more deadly.....Easy for you to say, Weather Wizard. Obviously you didn't run into the Flash--since he was busy fighting me!....And less than half a day until zero hour! Fellow Rogues, it's going to be a squeaker!....After all, the poor bloke is dead!.....Blimey, mate! Don't you recognize the voice of Weather Wizard when you hear it?...Aren't you cutting this short? In six minutes, the city goes boom!...That's fair dinkum, Wiz!

"How droll" is especially hilarious. That's a very posh exclamation there, Digger.

Bates again, Flash vol. 1 #278: Blimey! I can hardly contain myself--I'm so anxious to see my new acquisitions! Ah! These incredibly rare necklaces of crimson pearls are even more breathtaking than my underworld snitch said they were! Yes, indeed! I'll wager every costumed villain in Central City had their eye on these beauties--but not one of them acted fast enough to beat me to the punch!...You got me, Flash--dead to rights! I know from past experience it would be foolish for me to go up against your speed in a situation like this! I'm all yours, bloke! That is, heh heh, if you'll be in any condition to take me!.....Impressive, eh, Flash! My electro-boomerangs emit spark-trails carrying a deadly 5,000 volts apiece!....That's just to keep you occupied while their two companions swoop in to do their thing!....A-all right, Flash. You foiled my escape---but I'm not through fightin'--.... I was just there to party and pick pockets! Murdering a woman is beneath a gentleman like me, Flash!...Blimey! What's he up to? 

I miss non-murderous pseudo-gentlemanly thief Digger. Even if he sounded like an American guy pretending to be Australian by using vague slang.

Bates again, #310: W.W. Wiggins is the man solely responsible for all the great monetary gain I've acquired since I left the Outback and came to America. True, I've made and lost several fortunes over the years, but such are the pratfalls of a master criminal's life. Still, I never would've amounted to anything more than a petty thief--if it wasn't for the way Willard Wiggins took me under his wing years ago! I owe the man--and now that this Colonel Computron bloke is out to nail his hide, now is the time for Digger Harkness to repay an old debt! Chin up, WW! A helping hand is on the way!....It's been quite a few toy-seasons, hasn't it, WW, since you hired an out-of-work Australian to become the public spokesperson for your first big seller--the Wiggins boomerang! I'm indebted to you, WW...and Digger Harkness--alias Captain Boomerang--always repays a debt! Little did I know the costume you created for me that season would inspire me to become a first-class criminal!...Appreciate the compliment, mate! But as I said, I'm here to balance the books after all these years...What you need is protection! The kind only I can provide!...Well, WW...if you insist on paying me for my services....Appreciate the poignant sentiment, Flash--but this scorpion is about to fly! Many thanks, old foe! I couldn't have managed this getaway without you!...Blimey! Shot down by Colonel Computron!....Computron, you're a corrupt and wicked bloke---which means you have all the makings of a splendid accomplice! 

You know Digger is Australian because he says he's Australian and says "mate".

In all seriousness, I actually find pre-Crisis Digger's insistence on paying debts--both positive and negative---really interesting.

Flash #311, still Bates: A boomerang, WW! I knew you wouldn't mind if I smoked!...Greetings, old foe! I had every confidence it wouldn't take long at all for my latest toy to attract your attention!.....Uh oh! This must be where Flash and I get off! The boomerang was primed to fling us several centuries into the past...we couldn't be very precise! Regardless of the exact year, we calculated the arrival would take place somewhere over the South Pacific--which means a splashdown in the ocean--and my parents never taught little Digger how to swim!...Well, blow me down! It appears we've lucked out and snagged ourselves in the sails of an 18th-century pirate ship on the South Seas!.....(Here he starts doing his best pirate voice) Avast, mateys--that scarlet swab is with me--Digger the Deadly!...Er...look ahoy! That's my ship up there! I'm a sky-pirate-I sail the clouds!...(Back to normal) Captain Boomerang is the name--and boomerangs are my game, you scurvy degenerates!...Limey? How dare you accuse me of being a lowly Englishman? If you wretches had any culture you'd be able to tell I'm a proud Australian...I have a confession for you, Flash. If Computron hadn't double-crossed me first, I would've finked out on him--as soon as we boomeranged you out of the picture! You see, I owe someone else a debt!....Blimey!

Digger adopting the stereotypical pirate accent (which is, from my understanding, a variation/exaggeration of the British West Country accent) is hilarious, because now we have a supposedly Australian guy who talks like a confused American attempting a British accent who is putting on a West Country accent. Are you confused yet?

Also, hey, Bates expanded his slang roster to include the word "limey!"

I think Bates had never talked to an Australian person in his life. Which is why Digger's dad is British and Digger is...all the accents. 

If Bates knew a total of six slang words and used them on rotation, Len Wein apparently looked up "Australian slang" and then used every term he could find:

Len Wein, 1980 Batman comic: Okay, cobbers! That's far enough!...I gave you a chance, mates, but if it's a fight you want--Captain Boomerang will be more than happy to give you one! Tell your boss that was only a warning! He owes me one million dollars--and he's got 24 hours to pay me!....Wrong, cobber! I've barely begun! Lor', but I hate this cronky town! I never would've come here from Central City if it wasn't for my million quid! That swag was my retirement fund--and I'll not see it stolen by any fast-talking high-living silvertail! It's really rum--downright ironic! The one time I play the game by their rules--and it's me who gets taken for a sucker! Well, nobody crosses Digger Harkness and gets away with it! I took the simple weapon of the Australian bushmen---and made the use of it an art! I'm a jack who always pays his debts--and always delivers! That fat spruiker owes me, and he's going to pay me--one way or the other!...Aye, a fair dinkum choice indeed, for a last meal! It's taken me a long time to find you, mat--I've come for my money!... That's as close as you come, cobber! I know all about you...As I've heard it, you can kill a jack with your bare hands--so you'll forgive me if I cosh you before you can lay those hands on me! Now get your big duff out of that chair, fat man--and get me my money!...You sold short the stock I had all my retirement swag in--and the barmy thing collapsed!... (after knocking out Batman) You gave it a fair dinkum try, cobber--but fair isn't good enough when you're dealing with the likes of me!...Nothin' permanent, mate--you're simply tied to my giant rocket-powered boomerang...But you needn't worry about dying of asphyxiation, mate!

CAN YOU TELL HE'S AUSTRALIAN YET?

Conversely, Doug Moench basically didn't bother with the accent at all:

Batman #388, 1985, written by Doug Moench: You fool, Mirror Master! The night guard was almost here---before my boomerang made a round-trip visit to his noggin...Revenge, mate. A score to settle...Listen, ace! This boomerang was good enough to....Of course, mate. But I'm tellin' ya, the Batman--....I hear ya, Mirror Master!...Yeah? Have fun looking in your mirrors, chump--after I've humiliated you!...Yoicks!....Scudder's a vain, arrogant fool--not caring if everyone in Gotham's underworld knew he was in town, and not even bothering to keep his hideout a secret. Mirrors everywhere, of course....Understand, mate?

If he didn't say "mate" one time he would sound entirely American.

Finally, around 1987, John Ostrander got ahold of the character for Suicide Squad, and effectively pinned down the character's "modern" accent:

John Ostrander, Suicide Squad #44; 1990: Yuh. Listen, mate--make it George while we're here. It's only my bleedin' name, after all. Strewth, I'm bloody surprised it's here at all….Well, g'day yourself, ya bloody great goolah!....Ta, mate!....Get stuffed. You don't own me. You never did. You never did a bloody thing for me when I was a kid, so don't come all high and bloody mighty now!...It's fair dinkum! You know it!....You want to barney? Come on, galah! I've had it with you Yanks! You can all stuff it!

Albert Desmond debuted in Showcase #13 as Mr. Element in 1958. At this point, he had no civilian identity.

He did, however, have costumed henchmen, who he named Helium, Neon, Argon, Krypton, Xenon, and Radon after the six inert elements, and a love of monologuing.

Mr. Element: I've named you six underlings after the six inert elements, because you can't make a move without me!.....Do you think I became what I am by accident? Listen, and I'll explain a thing or two to you! When I resolved on my criminal career, I knew that one thing alone might keep me from complete success--the Flash! Even as a boy, I had always been fascinated by the chemical elements!

Young Al: All precious things are elements! Diamond is pure carbon! And then there's gold, silver, platinum....

*Albert, I would like to point out that all things, precious or otherwise, are made up of elements.*

Mr. Element: When I grew up and became involved in crime, I profited by my boyhood reading.

Past Albert: I can only succeed as a criminal if I defeat the Flash! And there's only one way I can do that--by elements! The elements contain the answer to everything--even the Flash! I shall gain complete mastery over the elements!

Mr. Element: I carried out my idea with my usual thoroughness, secured an adequate hideout, and designed my own uniform. Life is based on carbon, so my emblem shall be the model of a carbon atom! Elements are found in rocks, so my headquarters shall be among these underground rocks! To inhale only pure oxygen, I wear this atmosphere-filter!

That pure oxygen he's inhaling may explain some of his odd behavior.

Anyway, Mr. Element proceeds to go on robberies and fight the Flash, all the while teaching the audience about vanadium (one of the hardest substances known), sodium (which explodes on contact with water), silicon (used in glass), magnesium (useful for flares), and radium (useful for explosives).

He also tries to send the Flash into outer space with elemento, a form of "magnetic light", the existence of which violates the laws of physics, but Flash escapes this trap by violating the laws of physics back at Mr. Element.

It's also worth noting that, at this point, there is no indication that Mr. Element has innate powers without his element gun.

Mr. Element would return one issue later, in Showcase #14, where he gave himself an entirely new costume and identity.

Dr. Alchemy: There is no more Mr. Element! I have adopted a new identity, one that will enable me to deal with my enemy--the Flash! From now on--I am Dr. Alchemy! From now on, "change" is the key word in my methods--and the means by which I shall defeat the Flash! I have become the maser of change! Already my new methods enabled me to break out of jail! My cellmate, Ben Sniper, first put me on the right track, by accident! He kept talking about his "lucky stone".

Ben Sniper: And the one time I left my lucky stone home, I was nabbed by the police!

Based on this extremely limited information, Albert deduces that Ben's lucky stone must be the Philosopher's Stone, so he uses a spoon to dig his way out of prison, and then makes his way to Ben's house, where he finds the stone. Following this, he takes it to his "subterranean lair", where he tests its abilities.

Albert: It works! By merely pressing a certain point on the stone and directing it at a lead pipe, I've changed it to gold!...I'm learning how to control the stone! Depending on where I press it, I can cause different substances to change in different ways! I now have the power to change the Earth! But a change in method calls for a change in name! I know! It was the ancient alchemists who searched for the Philosopher's Stone! I shall use it as Dr. Alchemy!

That's right. A random criminal's lucky stone turned out to be the Philosopher's Stone. That has to be the most improbable coincidence in all of Silver Age Flash comics---and that's saying a lot.

Dr. Alchemy proceeds to go on a crime spree, stealing money in spite of the fact that he can transmute anything to gold, and escaping the Flash by doing things like changing coins into quicksilver and transmuting the air into rubber bands. However, eventually the Flash overpowers him, captures him, and throws the Philosopher's Stone into orbit.

Which makes it really odd when Dr. Alchemy shows up again in Justice League of America vol. 1 #21-22 (1960) and somehow has the Philosopher's Stone again. How did it not burn up when the Flash threw it into orbit at escape velocity?

Whatever the case, Dr. Alchemy spends most of these issues working with the other Crime Champions (Chronos and Felix Faust from Earth-1 and Fiddler, the Wizard, and the Icicle from Earth-2) to steal money and defeat the Justice League.

His powers are basically the same as in Showcase #14, and he still has no civilian identity.

When we next see the character, in Flash vol. 1 #147 (1964), he has reformed and been released from prison. He also gets his name, Albert Desmond, and a fiancee, Rita.

Barry describes the situation thusly: On either side of him...the two spectacular criminals he formerly created--Dr. Alchemy and Mr. Element---when his whole purpose in life was to defeat the Flash and enrich himself at the expense of others! But Desmond conquered his criminal drive! He's a new man...completely reformed!

Unfortunately for Albert, while he and Rita are at lunch with Barry and Iris, Professor Zoom the Reverse-Flash uses the mental powers that he had at this point to force him to leave the restaurant, go to his old hideout, and do some science to bring Eobard to the present.

Eobard wants Albert to stabilize "element Z", which will give him permanent super-speed (at this point, his speed came from an old costume of Barry's that he amplified the super-speed wave patterns from, allowing him to use the same powers while wearing it). Albert refuses.

Albert: You want me to help you commit crimes! But I've given up crime! Even if I wanted to help you, I couldn't! My unique powers as Mr. Element were linked only to the criminal side of my nature, which I have overcome!

This line is the first evidence of apparent dissociation between Albert Desmond and his costumed identities. Apparently, Albert's scientific knowledge is, at this stage, blocked off to him when he's not acting as one of his criminal alters.

I don't know if Broome was necessarily intending that Albert have Dissociative Identity Disorder at this point, but since Bates later established that he did, that seems to be what's going on here.

Regardless, Eobard uses his mind-control powers to force Albert to dress up as Mr. Element, commit crimes, and create Element Z for him, much to Albert's agony.

Albert: His words...that I like crime...are they really true? Am I a criminal at heart? I thought that part of me was behind me--forever! If only I could break loose from his mental control!

It also gives us this great exchange between Albert and Eobard.

Eobard: Here! I said I'd reward you! Even though I engineered the crime, the loot's all yours! Not bad for a night's work, eh?

Albert: Sure, loot for a criminal. Yes....

Eobard: Cheer up! You may be a criminal, but you're a rich one! Ha ha! And now it's time for me to go. I've kept my promise to you--and you've kept your part of the bargain too! It's been a pleasure to make your acquaintance!

Albert: I...I wish I'd never set eyes on you!

There's something morbidly funny about Eobard going on about how successful their evil partnership was while Albert is devastated about the fact that Eobard has basically ruined his life for no reason.

Albert turns himself in to the police for the crimes he committed while under mind control, but he is released when Barry defeats Eobard and learns that Eobard was forcing him to commit crimes against his will.

The character's next appearance was in Flash vol. 1 #153 (1965). In this issue, we learn that Albert is working at an industrial company and is about to be made supervisor. It's a bit odd that he's not in a laboratory, given his scientific expertise and the fact that he later works as a scientist, but maybe at this point his scientific knowledge is still blocked off from him for whatever reason.

Regardless, he turns down the promotion because he's been feeling a terrifying urge to start stealing again. In the hopes of avoiding recidivism, he meets with Barry Allen for lunch, and, after nearly becoming Mr. Element again and only narrowly stopping himself, Barry takes him to a rest home, since he's suffering from what Barry describes as "a near nervous breakdown".

This is the first issue to really suggest that Albert might potentially struggle with mental health issues.

Barry and Albert describe the situation as follows:

Barry (thinking): According to Al, it's all starting again---the terrible urge to steal, to commit crimes--just as happened last year when Professor Zoom sought to make him revert to his original Mr. Element identity!

Albert: Yes, that's why I couldn't accept the promotion, Barry! It would have meant handling company funds, and I--I don't trust myself! Lately, the urge to become a criminal again has been getting stronger--stronger! I don't know how long I can control myself!

But his mental health isn't the only issue at play, because we quickly learn that the reason Albert's been struggling with his criminal urges is because Professor Zoom the Reverse-Flash has used "the science of ultra-speed" to invent a device that "will make whatever evil there is in a person flourish, like sunlight makes a plant grow!"

In other words, Eobard's mind-controlling him again. However, because the beam of the device can't be narrowed through the 500-year time corridor it's passing through, Eobard can't keep the beam focused on Desmond, which is why the poor man is having a nervous breakdown instead of simply becoming fully evil. To fix this problem, Eobard decides to head back in time on his Cosmic Treadmill, which he copied from Barry, so that he can shoot the evil ray directly at Albert.

His arrival in Central City attracts the Flash, and the two of them battle for awhile. Albert, who was on a stroll near the rest home, stumbles on their battle.

Albert: As Al Desmond I can't do anything in this desperate emergency to aid the Flash! I'm nobody! But as my old alter ego, Mr. Element, I was someone--with extraordinary powers! Only as Mr. Element do I stand a chance of saving Flash! But wait! As Mr. Element, the evil side of me will take over! I won't be able to prevent it--and I won't want to aid Flash! Yet there may be a way out of this dilemma...one possible way...

Given this description, it does seem that at this point Mr. Element is fairly separate as an entity from Albert Desmond.

Eobard captures Barry, and he decides to have Albert, who is now fully under the control of the evil ray and has robbed a jewelry store, kill the Flash instead of doing it himself. Mr. Element does show up in Eobard's hideout, but instead of shooting Barry, he shoots the radiation machine that Eobard was using to hold Barry prisoner, freeing the Flash. Flash quickly defeats Eobard, and then goes to thank Albert for saving his life, only for Mr. Element to call him his enemy.

Mr. Element: As Al Desmond, before putting on my Mr. Element attire, I gave myself a post-hypnotic suggestion. Self-hypnosis had long been one of my hobbies! And as Desmond I was out to help you. I ordered myself under hypnosis to come to your assistance the moment I saw you! Actually, I couldn't help myself! My fingers were forced to turn my Element Gun away from you and at Zoom's machine.

So yes. Albert apparently has a hobby of self-hypnosis. Could that potentially be a method by which he tries to manage his illness? It certainly seems effective at limiting the harm Mr. Element is able to cause.

Also, it's worth noting that the pattern over this issue and issue #147 seems to establish that the full trigger for Mr. Element to take over the body completely is when Albert puts on the costume.

Whatever the case, Mr. Element tries to shoot the Flash, and the Flash stops him, knocks him out, and runs him to the 25th century, where a program of "electro-reeducation" somehow eradicates the evil in him.

This sounds an awful lot like brainwashing, but since Albert appears to retain free will and Mr. Element later returns, apparently the machine just helped Albert take back control of his body.

Albert and Barry return to their own time, Albert accepts the promotion, and the story ends with Rita and Albert planning to get married right away.

And indeed, when Albert next appears, in the Flash vol. 1 #165 (1966), he and Rita are indeed married. Both of them are guests at Barry and Iris' wedding. They don't do a whole lot, but it's cute to see them at Barry's wedding regardless.

Following his cameo in #165, Albert and Rita return in Flash vol. 1 #216.

The story opens basically in medias res, with Albert running up to Barry, begging for help, and then suddenly transforming into Mr. Element (he transmutes his costume out of thin air) and setting him on fire. After Barry escapes from the flames, Rita comes up to him to explain what's going on.

Rita: He's become evil again, Barry! Al tried to resist it--but the counter-forces inside him are too strong! It wasn't until last night that Al told me the cause of his affliction. It's the cursed gem in this ring--known as the Dragon's Eye! The ring belonged to Professor Peter Desmond--

Barry: The astronomer who discovered a star where the "eye" would be in the Dragon constellation. Al couldn't have been more than a baby at the time!

Rita: The Dragon's Eye is a pulsating sun...a rare type of star that constantly changes in brightness, caused by expansion and contraction of the stellar body! When Professor Desmond sighted it, he was wearing the Dragon Eye ring. While his telescope was in use, it focalized the starlight--like a magnifying glass draws together sunlight, and the pulsating energy was absorbed into the ring's gem.

When Professor Desmond took baby Al into his arms, "the pulsating sun suddenly erupted with surging intensity, inducing the pulsating energy in the ring to also burst forth and flow into the nearest recipient, his son! From that day forward, Al has been constantly energized by light rays emanating from the Dragon's Eye!"

Apparently, this pulsating star is somehow responsible for Albert's mental instability.

Rita: For the first twenty years of his life, the star remained relatively calm...but then it started pulsating again---and that's when Al became Mr. Element. He's been fluctuating between good and evil ever since--a helpless slave of the changing starlight that flows into him!

This doesn't entirely mesh with the fact that Eobard was able to manipulate his mind and cause the Mr. Element persona to emerge, but who knows. Maybe his mind-control was able to induce the same effects that the solar pulsations did.

Barry goes to look for Mr. Element, who reacts angrily .

Mr. Element: I spied you in a secret rendezvous with my wife, Barry Allen! And to think I considered you my best friend!

It's interesting that Element refers to Rita as "my wife". That suggests he has some level of emotional attachment to her.

Anyway, Element angrily chases after Barry, who switches costumes and becomes the Flash. The two do battle for a bit, and we learn something very interesting: namely, that Albert has innate powers.

Barry: The weapon doesn't fire!

Albert: Of course not! The power within me is its only ammunition! The gun merely concentrates my elemental energy into concentrated rays! But I can doom you without it!

Albert proceeds to prove his point by turning Barry into neon gas and trapping him in a neon sign.

So this means that the Element Gun (and, presumably, the Philosopher's Stone) don't have innate powers of their own. They're just conduits that refine Albert's power.

Albert takes over and turns Barry back into a human when the pulsating star subsides...only to ask Barry to kill him. You see, the Dragon's Eye star has gone super-nova, and the effects of it doing so reaching Earth will cause Albert to explode "with the force of a million H-bombs!"

Instead of killing Albert, Barry instead goes into outer space, collects "negative starlight", which evidently absorbs solar energy, in the Dragon's Eye ring, fires a beam of that negative starlight at Mr. Element, and saves him and the planet. Doing this also allows Albert to take control of the body once again.

So Albert has enough power inside him that he could theoretically explode and destroy the entire Earth. No wonder he's so insanely powerful.

Albert and Rita next appeared in Flash vol. 1 #221, where they made a brief cameo at Barry's birthday party.

After that, the couple returned in Flash vol. 1 #230.

In this issue, they two of them are being interviewed on TV while on vacation in Culverton when a gargoyle suddenly falls off a building and nearly crushes Albert and Rita. Albert stops it from crushing them by using his powers to disintegrate it.

Barry and Iris seem to think that removing the Dragon's Eye energy from Albert should make it impossible for him to become Mr. Element again (and for what it's worth, the Mr. Element identity never resurfaces, so maybe they were right).

Barry: There's another possibility! Think back--to the time the sinister science of Mr. Element was replaced by sinister sorcery--when Al Desmond went on a criminal rampage, possessed by a third and most dangerous personality--Dr. Alchemy, the mystic mastermind who controlled the elements by the ancient art of alchemy!....In conjuring up his evil-minded ego, Al may have unleashed a monster that could destroy him!

We also get this exchange between Al and Rita:

Albert: You'd better drive, Rita! I'm still feeling kinda shaky after that Dr. Alchemy experience!

Rita: You had to do it, darling! It was the only way to save your life! (Thinking) Poor Al! After Flash excised his evil Mr. Element personality, Al vowed he had enough willpower to keep his alter ego, Dr. Alchemy, out of mind and under control!

This gives us confirmation: Albert Desmond has Dissociative Identity Disorder (formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder). Mr. Element and Dr. Alchemy are his alters, and they take over when he's under mental stress, particularly when he also uses his powers. It seems that Albert associates use of his powers with his alters.

While Albert and Rita are driving back to Central City, Dr. Alchemy takes over the body, sets the car on fire--with Rita inside--and goes off to do his evil plan.

Notably, unlike Mr. Element, who referred to Rita as his wife and was angry when he thought Flash was romancing her, Dr. Alchemy seems to have no apparent affection for or connection with Rita at all. He simply leaves her to die.

Flash saves Rita's life, assures her that Albert and Dr. Alchemy are "two separate people", and then goes off to stop Dr. Alchemy, who sets the Talbot building aflame with green fire. Apparently, this is because the gargoyle statue that almost fell on Albert and Rita had the face of the fire demon Vadtara on it, and Dr. Alchemy decided that this meant that the demon had possessed him and that he should burn down all of Central City to purify it.

Barry Allen defeats Dr. Alchemy by helping Albert regain control of his body by subliminally shocking him with the knowledge that he is the Flash. Once he takes back control, the magic green fire is extinguished and the city is saved.

Albert: I'm sure glad my personality won out! You know, I had the odd feeling--even though I was fighting Dr. Alchemy all along with my will power--I sensed someone else was helping me break through!

This seems to suggest that, while Albert has no control over his alters, he does have some awareness of what's going on while they're in control.

Interesting.

Albert and Rita then disappeared from the comic for quite awhile. While they were off-panel, they apparently moved to Star City because his company had given him a promotion and a transfer.

When they next appeared, it was in Flash vol. 1 #287.

Barry is working in his laboratory at the Central City Police Department alongside his fellow police scientist Patty Spivot when Dr. Alchemy suddenly bursts in, holding the Philosopher's Stone and accompanied by two minions dressed like monks for some reason.

He steals a police vest made out of valuable synthetic dyrithium (which may have the same surface density as a diamond) and evades the Flash.

Flash naturally and reluctantly assumes that this means that Albert's Dr. Alchemy alter has taken over again and speeds over to check on him and Rita. On his way their house, we learn that Albert and Rita attended Iris' funeral (we didn't see them on panel, but it's nice to learn that they were there), and Barry also makes it explicit that Rita was a major force behind Albert's reformation.

Once he arrives at their house, Albert says that he was helping Rita with an overflowing laundry machine at the time of the robbery, but Rita says he was out of the house at that time. This confuses and upsets Albert, which prompts this interesting comment from Rita.

Rita: Easy, honey! Let me get you a tranquilizer!

This suggests that Albert is being medicated, at least occasionally and to some extent, for his condition.

Albert is arrested, but seems to break out of jail not long afterwards. This deeply distresses Barry, who is now pretty sure his friend's evil alter has emerged again. He also makes it clear that he thinks Albert needs psychiatric help, which further supports the notion that Albert does indeed have DID (even if its presentation is somewhat exaggerated and fictionalized.

But then we get the reveal...that the Dr. Alchemy who has been committing the crimes is not Albert's alter, but rather a completely different man--a second Al Desmond with the same voice but a completely different appearance!

Flash #288 opens with the police describing Albert thusly:

Captain Darryl Frye: According to this man Desmond's file, he's always suffered from an erratic, unstable personality! In between his sporadic criminal rampages in various costumed aliases, there have been lasting tranquil periods in his life in which he appeared to reform, functioning as a law-abiding citizen!

We also learn that Albert may be able to control the Philosopher's Stone at will, which would make sense, because issue #216 established that Al's powers are innate and that the Stone is just a conduit for his powers. Barry seems to think he's controlling it telepathically, but maybe he just reforms it whenever he needs to.

After the new Al Desmond goes on another crime spree, he returns to boast some more to Albert Desmond.

Alvin Desmond: I'm the Al Desmond behind these new crime---but you're the Al Desmond taking the rap! No one even suspects that I sprang you from the jail cell--making it appear that you had escaped yourself! I suppose, under the circumstances, the least you're entitled to is a bit of explanation from me! Even though we didn't meet until a few days ago...would you believe our lives have been inexorably linked for over thirty years! Believe me, it's true! We have far more in common than the same first name! To put it in a nutshell, Al, you and I are twins. Not physically--but astrally! To begin with, we were both born at precisely 12:07 AM on the same day in the same year...even though our respective mothers gave birth to us in hospitals thousands of miles apart! Both of us were christened Albert by our joyous parents....Mr. and Mrs. Herman Desmond of San Diego, California, and Mr. and Mrs. Herbert Desmond of Tampa, Florida!

From the 1976 DC calendar, we know the specific day was July 20th, and from the Who's Who in the DC Universe issue from 1985, we also know that Alvin's parents are Mr. and Mrs. Herman Desmond, meaning that he was the one who was born in San Diego, while Albert was the one born in Florida.

That Who's Who issue also apparently renamed him Alvin, since, as you can see, he was actually also named Albert originally.

And yes, Cary Bates called Albert's dad Peter in issue #216 and Herbert here. He was notorious for forgetting characters' names, so this shift isn't surprising.

Alvin: Early in our respective childhoods, we were both obsessed with the same uncanny fascination with chemistry and the world of the elements! As you know only too well, Al, your obsession had taken control of you by the time you reached adulthood---as you fashioned a unique uniform and dubbed yourself Mr. Element--becoming one of the most dangerous costumed criminals to ever challenge the Flash! It was only later, after your arrest and subsequent escape that you discovered the Philosopher's Stone and became Dr. Alchemy! As for myself, I too was beset by a powerful evil urge to use my elemental expertise to commit crimes. But unlike you, I had the presence of mind to seek help of the psychiatric variety! Oddly enough, I soon began to notice a definite pattern. It seemed that whenever you were in the throes of one of your criminal episodes, my own evil urges would subside and cause me no trouble. But by the same token, when your urges were dormant and you were able to lead a normal, law-abiding life, I was once again seized by the chilling grip of unrelenting, inexorable evil! these past several years , while you were thriving as a productive citizen, I was sentenced to intensified psychotherapy and round-the-clock anti-aggression drugs! But finally, no degree of preventative measures could control the rampant evil which had possessed me for so long! Because of our astral link, it was a simple matter for me to telepathically lock-in on your subconscious to discover where you had hidden the Philosopher's Stone! But it was while preparing my own crime debut that the inspiration hit me. Since the world was aware of one Dr. Alchemy and one Al Desmond--I saw no reason to confuse them!

Alvin goes on to explain that he invented a new element called Desmondium, which allowed him to mind-control Rita and force her to lie about Albert's location at the time of the robbery, and which has kept Albert passively in place for this very long monologue.

Alvin leaves and goes to battle the Flash, nearly killing him, and leaves for the next part of his crime under the assumption that Flash is dead. Meanwhile, Albert has escaped Alvin's cave hideout and has donned his Mr. Element costume.

In issue #289, Albert tracks down and battles his evil twin to a draw, then saves some firefighters from a fire that Alvin left to burn after their duel. Barry comes on the scene not long after Albert leaves and learns that Albert is in action as Mr. Element. Then Rita finds him, tells him the story about Alvin (he stopped by to tell her when he picked up the costume), and explains that Albert intends to stop Alvin's evil scheme. The Flash leaves to go help him, and together the two of them stop Alvin from using nuclear waste material to create a bunch of Desmondium to mind-control the entire world. Albert then goes back home to his wife.

That was the last Pre-Crisis appearance of either Albert or Alvin Desmond, although Barry does think about Albert in issue #300, which also gives us a flashback scene which confirms that Barry attended Albert and Rita's wedding.

Alvin appeared in an issue of Manhunter around 1986, and also appeared in a few issues of Blue Beetle, where he fused the Philosopher's Stone to his own body and then was turned to stone himself.

He then showed up again, none the worse for wear, in Flash vol. 2 #19, where we learned that he had become rather chummy with the Rogues. He was one of the guests at the party celebrating Len's release from the Suicide Squad, and we learned that he apparently had a crush on Lisa Snart (Golden Glider). Unfortunately, being Alvin, he decided to try to impress her by turning her underwear to gold. This method was, shockingly, not particularly effective.

Albert and Alvin next appeared in the Flash vol. 2 #40-41 (1990). Wally goes to see Albert because Linda Park has apparently been possessed by an Irish ghost named Seamus O'Relkig, and Albert is apparently the only expert Wally knows in mystical stuff.

Wally confirms that Albert reformed years ago, that he and Barry were good friends, and that Albert was nice to him when he was Kid Flash.

He also, interestingly, says "I heard that he had lost his grant a couple of years ago, which suggests that Albert had been working as a scientist. As mentioned, he was working for an industrial company the last we explicitly saw, but maybe he eventually started working for them in a scientific capacity or was always working for them in a scientific capacity.

Regardless, when they get inside they find Alvin posing as Albert. Somehow, in spite of the red hair (Albert has black hair), his creepiness towards Linda, and the fact that he nearly calls himself Alvin Desmond before catching himself and saying Albert, Wally doesn't figure out he's not Albert until he puts on the Dr. Alchemy costume, they fight, and then they find the real Albert tied up in a closet.

Good work, Wally.

Anyways, in the following issue, Alvin robs a bank, creeps on the female teller, and turns her into gold when she refuses his advances.

Wally thinks Alvin is still in jail, but apparently he turned himself into salt and reformed elsewhere.

Alvin goes on another rampage as Dr. Alchemy, and Albert turns up in the Mr. Element identity to stop him. Then we get the big reveal:

Alvin isn't Albert's psychic twin. He's a construct created by the Philosopher's Stone, based on Albert's own dark impulses and given false memories to give deniability. Albert accepts his dark side as part of himself and turns Alvin to stone.

In other words, the reason Alvin survived being turned to stone in that Blue Devil story is the same reason he survived being turned to salt here...because he's not a real person.

Albert then turns the teller who was transmuted into gold by Alvin back into a human, much to his relief and her gratitude.

Notably, Rita Desmond does not appear in this story, and while she was listed as Albert's wife in the 1986 Who's Who issue, she was listed as his ex-wife in the 1990 Who's Who issue. I guess they got divorced off-panel, which isn't completely out of left field (Albert's life is a nightmare), but is disappointing and sad.

And that was the last we saw of either Albert or Alvin for quite a while.

Dr. Curt Engstrom, a scientist from S.T.A.R. Labs, stole the Philosopher's Stone and became a knockoff Dr. Alchemy called the Alchemist in Flash vol. 2 #71-72 (1992-1993), but neither Albert nor Alvin made an appearance.

In Flash Annual #8 (1995), we saw Wally fight Mr. Element (presumably Albert) early in his career as Kid Flash, and then battle Dr. Alchemy (almost certainly Alvin) early in his career as the Flash, but both of those were flashback stories.

In the Life Story of the Flash (1997), Iris/Mark Waid describes Albert as follows: "One of Barry's strangest foes was Mr. Element...or should I say Dr. Alchemy? Cursed with a split personality, Al Desmond constantly shuffled back and forth between two identities, leaving Barry to wonder which he'd face during any given battle: Element, whose ray gun conjured substances out of thin air, or Alchemy, whose Philosopher's Stone could transmute inanimate objects up and down the periodic table."

Weirdly, Iris does not mention that Albert Desmond reformed, became friends with her husband, attended her wedding, and was at this point still reformed. That's a weird detail to leave out of your husband's autobiography.

The next time we saw a Dr. Alchemy in the present was in Flash vol. 2 #152 (1999), when the Dark Flash attacked a Dr. Alchemy with red hair. It seems like this was probably supposed to be Alvin, and, while he had theoretically been destroyed back in Flash vol. 2 #41, there's no particular reason why the Stone couldn't have reconstituted him again.

A Dr. Alchemy also appears in the Flash Secret Files and Origins #2 in 1999, where we saw him teaming up with the Rogues to create Replicant. Since Alvin was the Dr. Alchemy who had a history with the Rogues, this was again probably supposed to be him, but while he had Alvin's curly hair, it was colored black like Albert's. It's a really confusing appearance.

Albert Desmond (for sure this time) appeared in the Flash: Iron Heights in 2001. At this point he had been reformed for 39 real-world years.

So naturally, he's imprisoned in Iron Heights with a 35-year sentence for armed robbery and attempted murder, and the Dr. Alchemy alter is dominant.

No, there is no explanation for any of this.

Wally: Mr. Desmond...Dr. Alchemy, it's the Flash.

Dr. Alchemy: Go away, Wally. I'm reading.

Wally: I can't do that, Al. I need to talk to you.

Pied Piper: Alchemy always freaked us out. Crazy, that guy. We asked him to join the Rogues once and he laughed in our face.

Dr. Alchemy: I'm finally in my element, Wally. Peace and quiet. I wouldn't disrupt it for all the gold in the world. Now leave me be. My book is just getting good.

We do learn in Flash vol. 2 #272 that Dr. Alchemy tried to turn city hall to salt, but that doesn't explain why or how he suddenly un-reformed after such a long time.

Regardless, the next time we see Dr. Alchemy is in Flash vol. 2 #191-193,

An army of gorillas breaks into Iron Heights to rescue Grodd. One of them busts down Dr. Alchemy's door.

Gorilla: RRAAOW!

Dr. Alchemy: I'm trying to finish my book. But you're making such a ruckus. You're upsetting the Philosopher's Stone.

*He transmutes the gorilla to glass*

Dr. Alchemy: Speak no evil, monkey.

He then spends the rest of the gorilla invasion reading his book.

In Flash vol. 2 # 202-206 (2003-2004), a corrupt police scientist named Alexander Petrov uses Mr. Element's gun to frame Captain Cold for a string of murders. When Wally figures this out, Petrov puts on a costume and names himself the new Mr. Element. His time in this role lasts for about five minutes before an irate Captain Cold shows up and kills him.

Dr. Alchemy pops up again in Flash vol. 2 #207 (2004), making a deal with the Rogues:

Captain Cold: I'm not asking you to join us.

Dr. Alchemy: I have no interest in---

Captain Cold: Monetary profit. I know. But we do take a lot of heat off your activities. Most of the jobs you pull--stealing old artifacts, breaking into science labs--they get blamed on us.

Dr. Alchemy: Perhaps, Mr. Snart.

*Axel shows up and disrupts the conversation for a bit*

Dr. Alchemy: You aligned yourselves with a juvenile delinquent?

Captain Cold: He's got enthusiasm. And youth ain't such a bad thing. You've seen what's happened to Captain Boomerang. I'm not asking you for much. Just that, well, we hear rumors that things are about to come down hard. The Flash returning. That's just a normal annoyance. But if our world goes to hell, I just wanna know--can the Rogues count on your support?

Dr. Alchemy: You took care of that pretender for me. Mr. Element was an embarrassment. So...yes. If you need a favor...Dr. Alchemy will be more than happy to make his services available.

Dr. Alchemy will also apparently talk about himself in the third person.

Captain Cold: Here.

Dr. Alchemy: What's this?

Captain Cold: A token of our appreciation, Mr. Desmond.

Dr. Alchemy: You shouldn't have. I do love books. I love them so very much. And a first edition of The Catcher in the Rye. J.D. Salinger....many call him a genius. Others write him off as merely eccentric. They fail to understand...eccentricity is the soul of genius.

Captain Cold (actually smiling!): Words to live by. Welcome to the club, Doc.

Dr. Alchemy cameoed at Captain Boomerang's funeral in Flash vol. 2 #217 (2005), and then appeared in Flash #223 (2005) as part of Rogue War. Captain Cold and Mirror Master pulled him in to their battle against the Flash as reinforcements.

McCulloch: Say hello ta the Doctor.

Dr. Alchemy: Well, yes. I hope this doesn't take all afternoon. I left my Bunsen burners on.

Wally: You're not a lowlife like the Rogues, Mr. Desmond. You don't have to do this.

Dr. Alchemy: Oh, I realize that, Flash. But they've promised me a most unique prize. Your corpse. And dissecting it will open all kinds of doors into the science of acceleration. Maybe I'll write a book. Some nitrous oxide should relax you, Flash. It won't hurt a bit.

Later, he makes this lovely threat:

Dr. Alchemy: You've had your fun, Grodd. But I have work to do. Science to explore.

Grodd: I am a being of science myself, doctor.

Dr. Alchemy: Then let's preserve the specimen. And see what happens when I turn the blood in his veins to formaldehyde.

At this point, Bart shows up to rescue Wally, and that's the last we see of Dr. Alchemy in Rogue War.

Dr. Alchemy also appeared in Gotham Central #29-31 (2005), where he was an irredeemably evil Hannibal Lecter ripoff who was obnoxious to everyone. This story also established that Albert Desmond has decorates in chemistry, biochemistry, and molecular biology.

Dr. Alchemy was not seen again until the 2010 Flash series written by Geoff Johns, where we saw him surrounded by books and wondering if Barry would forgive him for what he did to "her". Because of Flashpoint, we never got to learn what this meant, but we did learn that Albert had been retconned to have been Barry's jerk coworker at the CCPD in the past.

Then Flashpoint happened and Albert was effectively erased from existence. He showed up again in a poorly-written filler arc in 2021, and hasn't been seen since. Poor Albert.

Flash vol. #1 #250:

Narrator: "That "twirling turkey's" full name is--or was--Roscoe Dillon! And if it doesn't ring a bell, perhaps the curious shape of his tombstone will!

*Lisa stands in front of Roscoe's top-shaped tombstone. He's extremely dedicated to his theme*

Lisa: And I vow to avenge you--an eye for an eye--a tooth for a tooth---a lover for a lover!

Narrator: The girl at the grave is Lisa Snart--younger sister of the notorious Captain Cold! Small wonder, then, that ice played a vital role in her life too--as a champion skater who performed in ice shows all around the world.

Lisa was internationally famous. The woman was incredibly driven. No wonder Barry compares her to Batman in the next issue---that takes a LOT of work and dedication.

*Lisa spins like a top on the ice in front of a crowd, because you can teach yourself how to spin like that in Flash comics.*

Crowd member #1: What an act!

Crowd member #2: How does she whirl so fast?

Crowd member #3: She spins like a top!

Narrator: "Like a top"? Small wonder, since her coach was--the Top!

*Roscoe spins like a top in the same scientifically-dubious way. Apparently it increases his brainpower. Maybe it increased Lisa's brainpower too and that's why she's able to invent all those gimmicked jewels later.*

Roscoe: Like this, baby! You gotta think of yourself as a gyroscope--perfect balance is the key!

Lisa: I understand, Roscoe!

Roscoe would like to remind you that tops are amazing. They're linked up with intricate scientific devices like gyroscopes. Although they've just about been forgotten, they are the basis for some of the most startling advances in science. The theory behind tops gave rise to guided missile systems--to the gyro-stabilizers of ocean liners. And, unless he misses his guess, the same theory will help Lisa reach the top of her profession.

Narrator: That's right--Roscoe Dillon---the treacherous Top--was more than a teacher to Lisa!

*Roscoe dips Lisa--obviously they're about to kiss*

Roscoe: End of the lesson for today--time for recess!

Lisa: Ahh...

Narrator: The romance blossomed for months--but under cover! No one imagined that while the Top was battling his nemesis, the Flash, in Central City, he had a sweetheart who was internationally famous thanks to the extraordinary spinning skills he had taught her---a brilliant career cut suddenly short by the death of the man in her life--an untimely end the Top brought upon himself in attempting to destroy the Fastest Man Alive!

Lisa: No more skating for me---not until Roscoe's death is avenged! And that means--get the Flash where it hurts the most!

It's worth noting that Roscoe didn't die in a battle with the Flash in the traditional sense. He developed telekinetic powers, the two of them battled, and somehow the combination of Barry's speed and his new powers caused his brain to heat up and basically gave him an aneurysm. In effect, it was a bizarre accident that no one could have fully predicted. Not, of course, that that stops Lisa and Roscoe from wanting revenge.

Flash vol. 1 #251:

Barry: When I went over the Top's criminal file, I noticed a very interesting string of seeming coincidences--the Futura Ice Show's out-of-town appearances always coincided with sightings of the Top in the very same cities--almost as if he were following the show--or someone in the show--like a girlfriend.

Iris: So that's your angle--you think the Golden Glider is one of the Futura performers!

Barry: It would help explain the super-ice skates she wears. Plus her use of Cold's freeze-dryer. One of the show's stars is his sister! Uses the name Lisa Star---but her real name is Snart!

This implies a) that Roscoe traveled all over the country to watch Lisa perform, and b) that he somehow did not get arrested while doing so even though people recorded his presence in those cities. That's dedication.

Also, frankly, Lisa probably would have used that stage name even if Len wasn't a criminal. "Snart" is exactly the sort of name you might want to get rid of as soon as possible.

From Flash #300:

Barry again: But as dangerous a foe as Len Snart has proven to be over the years, he never displayed the pathological hatred for me which totally obsessed his younger sister---Lisa Snart--the Golden Glider! At one time she was a world-renowned figure skater travelling all over the country as the star of an ice show by day--while carrying on a torrid secret romance from city to city by night!

The object of her passion--an infamous costumed criminal who just happened to be one of my most cunning long-time foes--one Roscoe Dillon, better known to the rest of the world as the villainous Top!

*Cue panel of Roscoe and Lisa kissing*

Barry: Dillon shared the grim details of his imminent doom with only one person---his grief-stricken sweetheart, Lisa! The final spin for the Top came the following day--as Roscoe Dillon became the first of my personal Rogues' Gallery to die!

*Panel of Roscoe in civilian clothes for once (we almost never see him without his mask in his own body, so this is significant), crying with Lisa*

Barry: But long after his fellow villains had paid their last disrespects to the Top's infamous memory--one mourner kept returning to the site of the grave.

I wouldn't say that the Rogues were disrespectful to the Top at his funeral. They seemed pretty upset about his death until they found out that he had planted bombs around the city posthumously. But I do think Barry tends to be cynical about the Rogues' relationships to one another in a way that's not fully warranted by what we actually see of their interactions on-panel.

*Lisa's standing by Roscoe's grave again. It's still a top, but now it's also shaped like a heart somehow. How either of these graves didn't collapse under their own weight is a mystery for the ages. Or maybe the first tombstone did fall over and this heart-shaped one is a replacement.*

Lisa: I swear that speedster will pay, Roscoe, for what he did to you---to us! The Golden Glider will make Flash rue the day he first put on his running boots!

Barry: That was no idle boast! Armed with a pair of flying ice skates pioneered by her brother, Captain Cold--along with a fantastic arsenal of gimmicked jewels of her own design---she skated her way into a vendetta of villainy!

Flash #301:

Roscoe on the phone with Lisa, talking about Nora Allen while possessing the body of Henry Allen: I keep telling you, we've got nothing to worry about! Even on the off-chance she does become suspicious, the doctor would only tell her she's still disoriented from the crash.

*Lisa presumably says something on the other end*

Roscoe: And I feel the same way, baby! Every time I have to look into the old bag's eyes, I'm really thinking about you--only you! I gotta go now, hon. The witch is expecting me back at her bedside!

Later in the issue, we get a scene between Roscoe and Lisa. The former is possessing the hot body of Barry Allen's dad, and the latter is wearing a red wig and sunglasses (so that no one sees Henry Allen with the Golden Glider and tells Barry about it).

Lisa: How much longer do we wait, baby? When are you going to ditch that social security aged bod and slip into something more our speed?

Roscoe: Like the Flash's body? You always were such a vixen! Patience, Lisa, patience! "Dear Barry's" days as the fastest man alive are numbered. You and I will soon be reunited in our former ecstasy--and Flash will soon be dead--as dead as we left his real father! (Note: Henry and Nora Allen got into a car crash that put Nora in a coma and stopped Henry Allen's heart, allowing Roscoe's ghost to possess Henry's body. Oddly enough, Roscoe didn't orchestrate the accident, and neither did Lisa. It was caused by a teenaged driver who paid more attention to his girlfriend than the road, accidentally crossed the white line, and slammed into the Allens' car.)

Flash #302:

*Roscoe and Lisa are on another date. Roscoe is still in Henry Allen's body plus a fake goatee; Lisa still has the red wig*

Roscoe: You should have seen me, babe! When he revealed his precious "secret", I had to feign the gauntlet of emotions from shock to amazement to actual tears of joy! I was sensational!

Lisa: As long as you convinced him you hadn't the slightest inkling he was the Flash, darling--that's what counts!

Roscoe: *Chuckle* But you were pretty sin-sational yourself today, Lisa---judging by the public outrage you've stirred up!

Lisa: You should've been there, Roscoe! There he was, all ready to grab me and make a super-speed arrest--when bingo, all at once my secret weapon hit him head-on! After that, all he wanted to do was kiss and cuddle! And to be perfectly honest with you, sweets--a bad kisser he definitely isn't! I almost hated to send him away after we ditched the park crowd! I always did think the Flash was kind of cute behind his mask! And that bod of his! Being the world's all-time champion jogger--you can beat it's as lean and fine as it looks! Solid muscle without a milligram of flab!

Roscoe: I'm glad to hear it's in such splendid condition, my dear--for both of us.

I don't know who loves to monologue more--Lisa or Roscoe.

It's also noteworthy that Roscoe apparently isn't bothered at all when his girlfriend talks at length about how hot she thinks Barry is.

Then, at the end of the issue, Roscoe thinks the following to himself:

Roscoe: He already separated me from my beloved Lisa once--the day he killed me in my youthful prime! But I won't let him take her away from me a second time! The Flash is about to find out the man he's been living with was never his father--but his greatest foe--back from the dead! Beware the Top--for he lives again!

This thought balloon, which occurs when Roscoe is completely by himself, is the smoking gun that completely demolishes any possibility that Roscoe was manipulating Lisa (an idea I've seen floating around in some fan circles). If he was manipulating her, he would not then think about how much he loved her to himself when there were no witnesses.

Flash vol. 1 #303:

*Lisa escapes from jail after Flash captured her last issue. As she's escaping, Flash chases after her. Then Roscoe shows up on the scene.*

Roscoe: Tsk tsk! You should be ashamed of yourself, Flash--turning all that speed loose on a woman! And an un-armed one to boot!

Barry: That voice!

Roscoe: Right you are, Speedster--it's dear old dad again! Now, do you unhand Miss Snart the easy way--or do I have to force you the hard way?

*Barry grabs Lisa and starts shaking her---at this point he still believes that Lisa is mind-controlling his father somehow*

Barry: What did you to do him? How has your insidious evil warped my father?

Lisa: R-R-Roscoe! H-H-Help me!

Roscoe: Don't let him shake you up like that, sweetums! Have you forgotten all I taught you?

Barry: ?!? She's spinning out of my grip--like a top!

Roscoe: Ex-cellent, Lisa! Just pretend you're on the ice in front of your adoring public! As for you, "dear son", you won't be in any condition to lay another hand on my larcenous lady! I made this little trinket especially for an occasion like this!

*Roscoe throws a top at Barry*

Barry (thinking): Although poor dad may be dressed like the Top--his aim doesn't even come close! I'll super-speed him to the nearest hospital as quickly as possible!

Narrator: But before the speedster can sprint another step…

*The top electrifies Barry*

Barry: Uhhh!

*Roscoe and Lisa run off together*

Roscoe: It sems you've underestimated me, old foe--just as I used to make the mistake of underestimating you! But times have changed!

Lisa: A lot more than times will be changing around here --real soon! I hope you didn't damage the goods, babycakes!

Roscoe: Not to worry, my precious! The electro-top merely amplifies the natural electrical charge in the human body! After a few minute of staggering around in a daze, he'll be back to normal. And he'll be as mad as a hornet, I trust!

Lisa: He blasted well better be, darling! Half the fun of our diabolic revenge is watching the agony we bring to our flashy foe's face!

*Slightly later in the issue, after Barry has learned that Roscoe's ghost is possessing the body of his dad, one of Lisa's gimmicked jewels shows up in his room*

Lisa: Recognize this voice, Flashy-pants? Roscoe and I figure you've probably doped out what's happened to your old man by now--so we've decided to give you a fighting chance to win him back!

*Barry follows the flying gem to where the villains are hiding*

Lisa: This is the end of the trail, Flash! Your daddy is inside---and he can't wait to see you!…Now that you're here, why don't you take a load off your boots?

Barry: Not a chance, Glider! I figure I'm safer as long as I keep moving!

*Barry is immediately trapped in a convoluted death trap*

Roscoe: That's where you're wrong, speedster--dead wrong! Remember that nasty jolt you got from my electro-top? Aside from knocking you senseless, it also super-charged the negative ions in your body! As you may have guessed, my centrifugal treadmill has been super-charged with positive ions! The result---ionic magnetism so intense not even your speed-charged molecules can resist it! Like it or not, Flash, you're in for the ride of your life--and death!

Roscoe loves to over-explain the science behind his death traps.

Roscoe (to Lisa): Flash doesn't realize the negative ions are putting a heavy strain on his heart!

Lisa (to Roscoe) : Not to mention the tremendous super-speed exertion of the treadmill! All he needs is one traumatic shock to push him over the edge!

Roscoe (to Barry): Oh, Barry-boy! Your daddy has a big surprise for you! This is a loaded .45 automatic I'm pressing against my head! Guess what happens next! You may be the fastest man alive, Flash--you may be able to catch speeding bullets in mid-air--but you are not fast enough to stop this bullet--before it travels from the chamber through the barrel and perforates Henry Allen's head!

*Flash immediately escapes from the trap and proves this wrong.*

Roscoe: Oww! If I didn't see it, I wouldn't believe it! He made the gun backfire!

Lisa: It doesn't matter, Roscoe--look! Our master plan is still paying off! Even though he managed to save his father's body--the combination of the stress and the negative ions were too much for the Flash's heart--

Roscoe: Just like we planned!

Lisa: There, babycakes! There's the proof! The Flash's heart just stopped! His astral body is rising out of him!

*This is in fact happening, though how Lisa can see this I have no idea*

Lisa: This is the moment we've been waiting for! Ditch that flabby white-haired bod, Roscoe! Your sleek new home is now yours for the taking! Roscoe Dillon, you're about to fill the Flash's boots!

*Lisa talks as Roscoe leaves Henry Allen's body, then leans towards the Flash's body under the assumption that Roscoe has now possessed it*

Lisa: Oh, darling! I go breathless just thinking about all the wonderful times we're going to have together. Whisper something sexy to me, baby!

Barry then reveals Roscoe did not, in fact, take his body over, and Henry Allen gets his body back. Lisa goes to jail, and Roscoe…comes back back as a ghost real-world years later under writers who don't understand the character.

In the 1990s Hawk and Dove series, Roscoe Dillon returned from the dead (again) by convincing Hawk that he was the ghost of his dead brother Don (the original Dove) and talking him into helping him come back to life by possessing the body of Senator Thomas O'Neil.

Roscoe was smug about this, and later incredulous about the existence of Uncle Sam.

Then the series got cancelled, and no one touched this idea for a few years.

Then Waid picked the idea back up in 1996.

Roscoe, as Senator O'Neil, has attached himself to the improbably popular third-party presidential candidate C. Jacob Cartwright, who is required to be a third-party candidate in order to avoid alienating at least half of the reader base.

Hartley Rathaway, who has been reformed for years at this point, does not like Cartwright's platform and has been working to convince the public to vote against him. Being Hartley, he has dedicated himself to this mission so thoroughly that he hasn't really been sleeping.

He receives a mysterious package and opens it to find a top that promotes Cartwright and O'Neil. He absently spins it, and it plays a recorded message that says the following.

"Hello, Piper. It's been a long time. I hear the old gang is no longer around. [Most of the Rogues had died, rather spectacularly and stupidly, in Underworld Unleashed in 1995, and Lisa had died earlier in 1996 in a poorly-thought-out attempt to make Chillblaine scary for one issue.] Pity. I so wanted everyone to see me finally...come out on top."

Piper immediately identifies this as the Top, and so far, this does sound like him. Roscoe has a history of insane power grabs, and he loves his top puns.

"Forgive the recorded message. I'd stop by in person, but trust me, you wouldn't recognize me these days. I've got a new look...and a whole new agenda. That's right. By tomorrow, your old cohort will be president of the United States."

I will say that his presidential scheme is much more logical than his last attempt to gain political power, wherein he built a giant spinning nuke in the shape of a grenade and then told the world that if they didn't make him king in 10 hours, it would destroy half the planet, while he was somehow 'safe on the other side."

"Unfortunately for you, Piper, you know I never liked your kind. My first act of power will be to stomp out you little...what's the word I'm looking for...maggots. Couldn't resist telling you. I had to brag to someone, and you can't rat me out. In the first place, you're an ex-con. And in the second place...you won't have time to squeal. Bye, Piper. It's been a blast."

And here we have our first swerve into odd characterization.

Technically, this is not a flat-out retcon, since Roscoe's other appearances didn't really touch on real-world issues or prejudices, but there was nothing to indicate that Roscoe was concerned about sexuality (or race or gender, for that matter) in any way prior to this issue. Roscoe, traditionally, is motivated by three things: Lisa, tops, and proving that he is correct about everything and should be acknowledged as such.

If he became president, I would think his first act would be something along the lines of "making 5 national holidays about tops" or "putting my face on Mt. Rushmore", not "build gulags".

It's also worth noting that, in every prior interaction we saw between Piper and Roscoe, they appeared to get along just fine. So this sudden intense animosity seems to come out of nowhere.

Regardless, the top starts to beep and Piper freaks out, assuming it's a bomb, only for there to be no explosion and the top to vanish. So now he looks paranoid.

Piper insists that the Top is secretly Cartwright, and becomes even more convinced when Cartwright starts talking about how children use to play with tops and how the nation wobbles and spins out of control and about how "the liberal agenda has put us in a real spin" and the "conservatives couldn't stay upright".

Since Cartwright isn't possessed by Roscoe, you have to wonder if Roscoe-as-O'Neil wrote this script for him, or if Roscoe just attached himself to Cartwright because Cartwright also liked tops and top-related metaphors.

Also, Wally: "Kids haven't played with tops since 1962". The funny thing about this (aside from the fact that that seems like a pretty broad claim to make, especially given the later popularity of Beyblades) is that Roscoe's first appearance in 1961 also claimed that tops were a toy of yesteryear that today's kids no longer played with.

Linda, Wally, and Piper's boyfriend James (not the Trickster; this is the other James who stopped existing after Waid's run) all insist that there's no way Cartwright is Roscoe.

Piper: "Dillon's not just a criminal. He's a monster."

There is an argument to be made for that distinction, but it was never previously because he had a vendetta against a specific group of people. That seems to have been added to this story to make him more hateable.

Wally: "He spun tops."

He also tried to blow up half the world with a giant spinning nuke, and tried to possess the body of your uncle after possessing the body of your uncle's dad. But apparently you've conveniently forgotten that, Wally.

Piper: Who knows what he could do with presidential power?

Wally: He died.

Piper (correctly): He came back.

Wally: All right. In my world, that's not as crazy as it sounds. But try telling that to voters.

Uh, Wally? Roscoe has demonstrably come back from the dead before. He possessed Henry Allen and tried to take over the body of Barry. This is not a "this could maybe happen" situation. This is a "this has happened, and to your own mentor" situation. Did Barry never mention Roscoe's ghost to Wally or what? That certainly seems like something Wally would know about---especially if Piper knows about it!

Yes, maybe the voters would be skeptical. But Wally should at least check it out.

But sadly, neither he nor Linda nor James listen to Piper's entirely reasonable concerns, and this prompts Piper to go talk to Trickster.

Trickster, for some baffling reason, is equally dismissive of Piper's concerns.

"Dillon's dead, Piper."

Yes, he is. He also came back as a ghost and possessed Barry Allen's dad, and there's no real reason to assume that he couldn't do that again.

Piper: Don't make me go through this again, Trickster.

Trickster: Piper, Dillon was the least of Flash's Rogues Gallery, and in a group with Rainbow Raider that's saying a lot.

First of all, Rainbow Raider is subject to never-ending mockery from writers that is somewhat undeserved. Yes, he's goofy, but he wasn't always a total loser. He was, in fact, generally competent in his appearances under Bates.

He only became a loser when post-Crisis writers decided that a villain with a goofy name and weird backstory must inherently be a joke.

Second, and more importantly, how in the world was the Top "the least of Flash's Rogues Gallery"?

He tried to blow up half the world with a giant spinning nuke in his first appearance. Then, right before he died, he posthumously set up a series of bombs that nearly blew up Central City.

Why is Piper apparently the only one who takes this potential threat seriously?

It's especially egregious in this case since Trickster was present at Roscoe's funeral, was one of the first people to learn about the bomb threat, spent an entire issue scrambling around to prevent the bombs from going off, and very nearly died to said bombs. He is one of the last people who should be dismissing Roscoe as a joke.

But no, The Top spins and wears stripes, so therefore he's ridiculous.

Trickster: "I know you want me to validate your suspicions, but I can't. The Rogues are history. You and I, we're two of the last...and we've gone legit. All that's left of them is their gimmicky weapons, and I have them as souvenirs."

The Rogues came back a year later in the Hell to Pay arc, making this line hilarious in retrospect.

Also, Trickster...you live in the DC Universe. People come back from the dead all the time. And Roscoe has a documented history of doing exactly that. "They're dead" is not the airtight argument you think it is.

And it's weird for you to dismiss the other Rogues as gimmicky considering that you robbed banks with a tricycle and weaponized rubber chickens and itching powder.

Anyway, Piper asks Trickster how he got ahold of the Rogues' weapons.

Trickster: "Tricked my way into their wills! I'm in yours, too, by the way! I figure if I hold on to their cold guns and weather wands, that keeps 'em off the street. They're safer with me..."

Immediate cut to a panel demonstrating that the weapons are gone. Good job securing those weapons, Trickster.

That being said, I do like the idea that Trickster somehow got himself into the wills of all the other Rogues. That's a great character bit.

With no one listening to his entirely reasonable concerns, Piper decides to take down Cartwright, who he believes is the Top, by himself as the Pied Piper (non-lethally). This plan backfires spectacularly and he ends up in jail.

Roscoe promptly busts Piper out of jail using the Rogues' weapons (and terrible puns).

Cue the evil plan.

"Ah, you're awake. We have some serious spin doctoring to do, don't we, my old Roguish pal?"

Nice pun.

Piper: O'Neil? But...but Cartwright is---

Roscoe: A dupe. As are you. You all think what I want you to. What better path to the presidency?

Piper: Roscoe...? That is you, isn't it? But you're on the ticket as the Vice.

Roscoe: True enough...and long enough to get Cartwright elected. I'm counting on him becoming president-elect...for about five minutes, until I reluctantly step forward and accept the job, after he's assassinated by the Pied Piper.

And then...he's just going to pretend to be O'Neil forever? That doesn't seem like Roscoe's style. Even when he pretended to be Henry Allen, he dropped the mask before he'd even completed the scheme. Roscoe wants recognition.

Maybe we're supposed to assume that he would reveal himself once the scheme is complete, but that doesn't seem readily apparent.

Piper: Assassinated? Weren't you...dead?

Yes. but, as you underscored earlier, Roscoe can come back from the dead. The logical assumption is that he did it again.

Roscoe: Oh, I suppose so. In fact, for a while, I was a captive of Hell itself, until I bargained my way out and into the body of Senator Thomas O'Neil. It's a long story. My immediate plan was to run for chief executive myself.

Piper: But you weren't smart enough?

Since when is Roscoe not smart? Sure, he's not interpersonally savvy, but he's very smart. He taught himself how to engineer nukes, satellites that he successfully launched into orbit, and all manner of weaponized tops. And his scheme to take over Barry's body was pretty layered and complex. Surely a man who could teach himself how to build a satellite by himself (in an issue published in 1973!) could teach himself the American political system.

Roscoe: Well, let's just say that the streets of Brooklyn didn't educate Roscoe Dillon well enough to maneuver the presidency...but I was clever enough to attach myself to a sure thing. Cartwright does the work, and once he's dead, I move right where I belong...to the Top.

There was no previous indication that Roscoe was from Brooklyn, or that he potentially a street kid. The flashbacks we previously saw of his youth seemed decidedly suburban middle-class.

Even disregarding that...since when does Roscoe downplay his own education in this way? He is extremely proud of how self-educated he is, and never admits to not being smart enough to accomplish something. In this situation, it seems far more likely that he would either a) study politics obsessively until he could run on his own or b) assume that his increased mental powers granted to him by spinning would enable him to run on his own without further study.

Roscoe then reveals that he plans to use Mirror Master's tech to disguise himself as Pied Piper, and then kill Cartwright with Piper's sonic tech during the acceptance speech.

Wally stops this scheme and Roscoe makes a break for it, only to be attacked by the soulless bodies of the other Rogues. He's arrested later, totally incoherent, thereby setting up the long, long arc where Roscoe is depicted as openly psychotic.

Before I get into the oddities in Geoff Johns' presentation of Lisa, I would first like to note that Flash vol. 2 #182 is also an instance of Geoff Johns retconning himself.

In Flash vol. 2 #165, Len describes his childhood thusly: “The place reminds me of my parents’ house. Smells like cigarettes and pine sol. All my dad did was smoke; my mother cleaned. They didn’t drink much. That was me and my sister’s job.”

In #182, published two years later, Len provides us with a new backstory: “I grew up trailer trash outside of Central City. My father had been on disability since before I was born. He used to be a cop, of all things, but during a routine traffic stop there was some kind of mishap. My dad’s partner was killed. My dad was shot in the arm. Although it was never officially documented, it was well-known my father was drunk at the time of the accident. He was promptly kicked off the force.”

The rest of the comic proceeds to demonstrate, in detail, that Larry Snart was an abusive alcoholic.

I think this second take was actually more interesting, if bleaker, but it is odd that Johns retconned his own story in this way. But since the Wonderland arc was initially supposed to be a fill-in run, maybe Johns was afraid to do too much with Len at the time of the earlier issue.

Onto Lisa.

I do not have a problem with the early scenes of Lisa as a child. This simply reveals that she and Len survived similar trauma and explains why the two siblings care about one another. Len feeling guilty for abandoning her with their dad because he believed her skating talent would allow her to escape, that his presence would maybe make their dad kinder, and that his new friends were too dangerous for her to be around is also effectively tragic.

The problem comes in when she returns as the Golden Glider.

Len describes the situation this way:

“A few years after I took up my costumed identity, Lisa came up with her own. The Golden Glider. Another of my fellow Rogues, the Top, had been killed in battle with the Flash. The Top was dating my sister at the time. I guess Lisa was looking for revenge. Like me.”

You guess?

Len, you were there when Lisa debuted. You know exactly why she took up the identity, because she told you!

In Flash vol. 1 #250, we have this conversation between the Snarts:

Len: But why'd you snatch my new weapon? A couple of more seconds and it could have been finis for the Flash!

Lisa: That is exactly what I don't want, big brother! It's too quick....too merciful! Later on, you can kill him---but first, I want to put him through a living hell! And you know why! *sob* To make Flash suffer as I have suffered!

Len: Lisa...poor Lisa...listen to me! Roscoe is dead! We both miss him---but this crazy scheme of yours won't bring him back!

Lisa: It'll make me feel better, Len! So stay out of my way---or I'll leave you colder than you've ever been before!

Len: Hold it, sis!---Aw, what's the use? She's a Snart, and as stubborn as the rest of us! It's at times like this I wish I'd been an only child. Oh, well---at least I don't have to pretend I miss Roscoe. What Lisa ever saw in that twirling turkey I'll never know.

In other words, Len's "I guess" from vol. 2 #182 is massively downplaying the situation.

Later in issue #182, Len remembers a scene between himself and Lisa that plays out like this.

Lisa: [You've] got to introduce me to Mirror Master. So cute.

Len: Lisa...not that I don't like you joining up with the Rogues, but..why'd you give it up? You could've skated your way to the Olympics?

Lisa: Why did I give it up? I wanted to be like my brother. With my brother.

This is...um....very inaccurate.

As proof, here's Lisa herself from Flash vol. 1 #250 and #251.

"No more skating for me---not until Roscoe's death is avenged! And that means--get the Flash where it hurts the most!"

"Thanks to the genius of my darling Roscoe, this Flash-seeking top of his has traced the emanations given off by the speedster's protective aura---and the readings show he's in that house. Maybe now I'll get the information I need to fulfill my revenge! After raiding my brother's hideout for these special ice-air-skates and studying all the top gimmicks that Roscoe bequeathed to me, I believe the Golden Glider will prove a formidable foe for the Flash!"

"It's no use, Flash! You can't stop the justice of the Golden Glider! To even the score for your killing the Top---I'm going to freeze-dry your girlfriend! An eye for an eye---a tooth for a tooth--a lover for a lover!"

"I don't get it! That chick was dead in my sights! So how come she's still standing---and the Flash is on his back? I just hope he's still alive! He's got to suffer---as I suffered!"

"Listen, big brother! Coldly killing the Flash is too quick---too merciful! First, I want to put him through a living hell--then you can kill him! He caused the death of my man---the Top! I'll make him pay---in kind! And if you get in my way, though you are my brother, I'll remove you!"

"I know this woman is the love of your life....Her life will soon end, just as you ended the life of my dear, departed Roscoe! A love for a love!"

And in issue #256-257, when Golden Glider first reappears, she makes it even more clear:

"How dare someone impersonate my dear departed Roscoe! I don't know who is running around in my man's costume and attacking the Flash with Top-type tactics--but whoever he is, he's just bought himself a tangle of trouble!"

"The Flash will be stunned to learn I saved his life...but he will live to regret it."

"By now you know just how diabolical I can be, Flash! Just as my loved one, Roscoe, was taken from me---so shall you lose your beloved wife and parents! You are the victim of Golden Glider's triple play!"

"What chance did have, Flash---to help the Top when he was slowly dying? Dying--because of you!"

"I'll die---gladly! Without my beloved Roscoe, I have only one thing to live for anyway---vengeance! And with that accomplished, I'll perish in peace--knowing that you will be mourning as I have mourned--three times over!"

And in Flash vol. 1 #261-264:

"As for Flash, he's going to find out how it feels to suffer the agony of losing a loved one---even as I did!"

"Nobody knows better than I how the unjust death of a loved one can drive the survivor to extremes---and revenge!"

And in issue #300:

"I swear that speedster will pay, Roscoe, for what he did to you---and to us! The Golden Glider will make the Flash rue the day he put on his boots!"

Barry also knew exactly why she went after him.

From #251: "The Golden Glider seems to be different! Never even pulled a robbery! She's not after money or thrills...but she has a kind of intense, driven look...which reminds me of Batman---the avenger!"

From #263: "Revenge against me---that's what keeps her going! You see, Lisa Snart was in love with the Top when he accidentally destroyed himself trying to kill me! From that day on, she's blamed me for his death...and dedicated herself to making me suffer for it!"

From #300: "She skated her way into a vendetta of villainy!"

This is not "I want to be with my brother." It is not "she wanted revenge I guess."

Lisa was, very very clearly, motivated by a desire to avenge Roscoe's death.

Len had basically nothing to do with it at all.

And pretending he was the primary motivating factor is a flat retcon. I could accept that she liked spending more time with Len, but that is not the same as being motivated by spending more time with him.

Also, on a side note, Lisa was never shown with the Rogues proper pre-crisis. She worked with Roscoe's ghost and later with Len, and Mick seemed somewhat familiar with her, but she was never shown with a large group of Rogues until after Crisis. That being said, it does not break my suspension of disbelief to suppose she spent time with them a few times off-panel.

Anyway, after Bates left the book and Barry died in Crisis, Lisa drifted into limbo and was eventually pointlessly killed by Mark Waid to make the blonde Chillblaine look scary, exactly 1 issue before Chillblaine was himself pointlessly killed. It was a stupid, stupid death.

Johns retcons events so that Chillblaine faked his own death, then has Len track down and kill him before finally collapsing into grief over his dead sister.

This is an excellent story for Len, but it comes at the cost of using Lisa and her pointless death as fuel for Len to angst, while also downplaying Lisa's real motivations and agency. So, while Johns did not kill her, he sort of fridged her posthumously.

Worse, by portraying her predominantly as a victim of Len and his choices, Johns laid the groundwork that eventually lead to Lisa somehow becoming the default conscience of the team (as seen in a lot of Williamson's later work).

So Lisa was fridged twice and defanged once. Poor Lisa.