heated rivalry truther

there seems to be this idea that shane has all these submerged distinct urges that rise to the surface and become articulated such that ilya can obey and execute on shane's desire. i don't think it's impossible that they get there, as a dyad. and i think ilya is a very attuned top! but if shane can (early on) name or (throughout) direct a goddamn thing it's not onscreen. one component of this is autism and the way normative sex requires a bunch of tacit intuition/confident & resilient experimentation/navigation of ambiguity. another piece is shame and internalized homophobia. on both these valences, our shameless, assertive charisma machine is exactly what's required to bridge the gap between what shane needs and what he hasn't been able to bring himself to understand the shape of. (for christ's sake, rachel named the shame-stricken one 'shame with an n' and the one who gets things going 'my only boss is god'.)

shane doesn't know what the fuck to do with himself and his need, and then there's ilya turning towards him in the shower and showing him how audacious men cruise. it is such a consistently demonstrated asymmetry in the ability to isolate and enact a decision that it's very difficult for me to give credence to the idea that shane is any kind of puppet master. of course it becomes more playful and easeful over time. (it becomes more playful and easeful because ilya has made shane's desire into the vessel of his own; the container is defined and safe.) but straight through to their last sex scene, shane asks "this is real, right?" and then begs for what ilya is already giving him ("please fuck me"). if there's a decision there, it's the decision to be open, to trust, to give up and let himself be directed and handled and held. which is, sorry, the essence of submission, not a job you give a panting german shepherd

i dunno i just think there's something gorgeous about the shapelessness and urgency of the desire shane hands ilya. it's not an indication of weakness or immaturity! it's saying "you are my path to knowing myself, you are my path to getting what i need, my need is too big for me to manage, show me. decide for me. i trust you to decide." for somebody carrying a certain kind of weight, what a fucking relief.

and lemme tell you--for a certain kind of dom, being handed the raw fuel of trust on that scale is the kind of black tar heroin that has you abandoning your your original six captaincy in a real city during a cup window in order to move here and lose for three years

Ilya fucking Shane on the huge couch- they got themselves a fancy ass couch because they are big boys and used to roll of Shane and Ilya’s old ones/ it’s so wide it’s almost like a bed, they’re in a nest of heavy blankets and Shane still is in his hoodie and socks cause “it’s cold Ilya”. And Shane had put up a little fake fight for Ilya to push against because Shane likes winning but he loves being made to lose by Ilya almost just as much. He’d whined and fussed when Ilya had gotten his hands down Shane’s sweats, Shane complaining about cold hands and then Shane fussing again when Ilya had to pull back blankets to get more access to him. Like “Ilya it’s too cooold” and then Ilya had gotten his hand around Shane’s cock stroking slow and firm and Shane had gone all soft eyes when Ilya muttered “but don’t you want me to keep you warm?” And Shane had huffed and rolled his eyes and made Ilya keep the blanket mostly on them.

And now Shane’s on his tummy, a few pillows under him, one cuddled to his chest and his hood pulled up over his head, hands curled into the sleeves. Ilya has his face tucked under the curve of the hoodies material, to find Shane’s mouth with his own. The blanket is still over Shane, as much of him as he can that doesn’t stop Ilya from being inside him. Shane is bitching at Ilya when he tries to tug down the blankets away to see more of his exposed ass, telling him it’s still too cold and he’s cosy. Calling ilya an asshole when he slides his hands up the back of his hoodie to feel the warm smooth skin of his back.

But Ilya is smirking into Shane’s cheek because he equally whines and fusses at Ilya slowing down or pausing his thrusts. He wants to be fucked and he doesn’t want Ilya bothering him, somehow at the same time and Ilya fucking loves him. Loves the games he plays with him out of his own desire.

Just making use of my free will

and now i’m thinking about how he loves to be romantic and chivalrous to ilya— like when they get to the cottage and shane carries ilya’s bag in. he’s a great Boyfriend(husband.) he holds the door for ilya every chance he gets, and ilya (not so) secretly Looooooves it. when they’re at the bar with their team, shane will ask ilya if he wants a drink and go get it for him, hands it off to ilya with a little here you go, baby and then sits at a stool at the bar and ilya leans back between shane’s legs. at team cookouts, shane will tug on ilya’s arm as he’s talking to people until he’s sitting in his lap and ilya will go willingly without even pausing his conversation. shane will grin and wrap his arms around ilya’s stomach, kiss his shoulder. when they’re out to dinner and the bill comes shane will put his card down and ilya will make it a big thing, like oh thank you shane you’re sooo sweet and shane will be like ah it’s no trouble baby (they have a shared bank account.) he loves taking care of his baby!!!!!!! there’s been a rare time or two where shane and ilya are at a club and shane will let go and have a few drinks, get wonderfully tipsy and ilya will drag him out to dance. shane will hold ilya’s hips as ilya dances against him.