Oblique Stroke

I hate when king arthur has all these fussy little steps in the instructions and you're like "no way do these fussy little steps matter" but you try it and they do. they matter so much.

I thought you meant Camelot quests and I was like "that's fair, 'never pick a four leaf clover on the last Wednesday of the month' IS a fussy little step that shouldn't matter" but then I was like "wait isn't that also a flour company"

nooo I am not a beleaguered knight of the round table I am making elaborate focaccia 😭

"I hate when King Arthur has all these fussy little steps" -- Camelot cleaning staff, probably

wheres that story about the D&D guy who plays as a bear and has really good disguises and no one knows its a bear and he becomes king and everyone falls for it except one person who rolls for perception and he goes THATS A FUCKING BEAR and gets kicked out of the kingdom

[ID: A post from 4chan. Attached image shows a group of people sitting around a dinner table - all humans except a grizzly bear. The post itself reads: >Make a bear character in D&D 3.5 >DM laughs >Make bear a rogue, put every point I can into disguise >Prestige class as a spy to get more disguise >DM says I can’t speak english >Max out bluff >By growling and gesturing, I can fake speaking a language I don’t speak (english) >use money to hire a butler NPC >Give him magical item that let him speak bear “GROWWWWWL” “An excellent suggestion, Mister Bearington. We really should ask the group to investigate the Black Marsh >Over the course of the game, be knighted as Sir Bearington >Queen holds a dinner in my honor. >A guest becomes the first man to ever make a perception check that can beat my disguise >Shouts out loud “HEY, THAT GUY’S NOT A GUY, HE’S JUST A BEAR!” >Man is escorted out of the castle while the guards apologise profusely for the indignity “We’re so sorry, Sir Bearington, very sorry for this man’s behavior” “ROAR” *shrug*]

why are dudes in fanfic always getting hit with freight train orgasms. why not an orient express orgasm, classy and romantic. where are the shinkansen train orgasms? his orgasm hit him like the TGV atlantique breaking the passenger rail speed record. like the shanghai maglev, his orgasm was a feat of engineering but something of a commercial disappointment.

by the way, I'm still waiting for the blue castle fanfic from Uncle Benjamin's perspective. I can't believe no one is making this a priority

at some point in your life you will be boiling fruit, water, sugar, and lemon juice in a pot to make a syrup or jam. the instructions will tell you to simmer for a certain amt of time. your timer will go off and you will look at the pot and go, "hm, this doesn't look thick enough. maybe i'll let it go for another 10 minutes." this is the devil speaking. it's only so liquid right now because it is at boiling point. it will thicken when it cools down. learn from the follies of my youth and do not let this happen to you

at some point in your life you will be making a sauce or a stew in which you need to add cornstarch to thicken it. and you will prepare a slurry of starch in cold water and think "this looks like way too little starch to thicken this amount of liquid." this is the devil speaking. cornstarch instantly polymerizes at 95°C and if you add too much it will turn into an impossibly thick goop.

at some point in your life you will be making some sort of cream based dessert that requires gelatin to thicken it. and you will soak some gelatin sheets in water and think "this is too few gelatin sheets for this amount of cream." this is the devil speaking. it will thicken in the fridge and if you add too much you will end up with milk jelly

at some point in your life you will be baking cookies. you will take the sheet out after twelve minutes as the recipe instructs and the cookies will still be glistening and soft. "these don't seem cooked enough," you will think to yourself, "i should place them back into the oven until their edges are nice and golden." this is the devil talking. this is how you get dry, overdone cookies. the cookies will continue to bake on the warm sheet for several more minutes and then harden up after sitting on a rack for a while. trust the process. trust the process.

at some point in your life you will be adding a small pasta to a soup and you will think "that is not enough small pasta." this is the devil talking. the pasta will absorb the stock and expand. this is how you end up with a soup that is a solid mass of soggy ditalini.

at some point in your life you will be bringing sugar and butter to boil for toffee and you will think “it hasn’t thickened enough.” that is the devil talking. the toffee needs to cool before it can set. this is how you end up with toffee that will annihilate your mouth. learn from this folly.

We go through a lot of pickles here and this recipe is a good way to use leftover brine.

Look, there are word mistakes and there are word mistakes. Some of them, your eyes sorta glaze over as a reader, "Oh, the writer got those two words confused, everyone carry on with business as usual." And then there are *word mistakes* where you read them and the mental equivalent of a 24-vechicle pile up occurs and your progress through the fic stops dead in its tracks while the existential dread hits you Wonton is 100% the latter

YES you get it you understand