Lamb-bat

OK, so I put this up to a public vote and this myth was by far the most popular choice, so here we go. If people don’t want to read a myth about a mouthy child prodigy stealing his half-brother’s cows, then press J on your keyboard now as this is going to be a long post. More info under the Read More, as always!

The story starts, as all good stories should, with a womangiving birth in a cave. The woman in this instance is Maia, who is giving birthto Zeus’ baby, because approximately 70% of all babies in Greek mythologybelong to Zeus. Once she’s popped the baby out, she’s like “well, it’s time fora nap. Hermes, watch over yourself” and then she’s out like a light and Hermesis left to stare at the walls or something.

After a few hours, Hermes gets really bored with living thebaby lifestyle, and so he decides to absolutely subvert the infant hegemony byimmediately learning how to walk. Like the freakish genius baby that he is, heescapes from his swaddling and toddles all the way down to Pieria, where hefinds a whole field of cows. Immediately, he’s just like “sweet, I’ve alwayswanted a whole field of cows” and starts stealing them. Being a completegenius, he realises that he has to cover his tracks, so he finds a whole loadof cow-sized boots that are presumably just lying all about the place inAncient Greece, and he puts these boots on the cows and leads them away to alittle town called Pylos. As soon as Hermes has left, Apollo saunters into the field where he keeps his favourite cows, and when he notices that they’re gone, he drops to his knees dramatically and cries “I will have my vengeance, in this life or… well, the same life, thank goodness for immortality!” and he sweeps away in a haze of sunlight and glory. 

Once he’s at Pylos, Hermes hides all the cows in the grotto,when his little tummy starts rumbling. Apparently forgetting the fact that he’sa newborn baby and absolutely should not be on solid foods at this point, hedecides to slaughter two of the cows as a sacrifice, and then he cooks up theleftover meet with a little sage and probably some mixed herbs and a lovely redwine roux. While he’s waiting for the meat to cook, he finds an adorable littletortoise wandering around outside the cave, and immediately he’s like “awesome,time to continue my sociopathic spree of animal slaughter” and he kills thetortoise and cleans out the shell, stretching some of the cow hide and tendonsacross it, and bam, he’s invented the lyre. After playing a few prodigalballads on his rad new instrument, he decides that he’s tired and it’sabsolutely time for a little nap and maybe a burp or two, and so he waddlesback home to Kyllene, where Maia, who is definitely not up for the mother ofthe year award, doesn’t even realise that he’s been missing and is covered in cow entrails.

Meanwhile, Apollo is doing some absolutely stellar detectivework, probably whilst wearing his special detective hat, the one with the blueribbon around the brim which brings out the cornflower hue of his eyes, becauseno-one steals Apollo’s cows and gets away with it. Seething with rage, he goesinto the heart of the town of Pylos, and to the first woman he sees, he’s like “look,this is probably a really strange question, but have you by any chance seen ashitload of cows?” and the woman nods, briefly dumbstruck by Apollo’s jawline,and she says “this is probably a really strange answer, but I’m pretty sure Isaw a baby leading a really well-organised line of cattle wearing shoes rightthrough the heart of our fine town” and Apollo blinks and he’s like “shoes” andthe woman says “yes, without socks” and Apollo says “a baby” and the woman nods andsays “a human baby” and Apollo frowns and says “are you sure it was a babyand not just a tiny bald man?” and the woman shakes her head and says “it wasdefinitely a baby, I don’t usually get confused between my infant son and mywithered grandfather” and Apollo just sighs and says “well, that’s reallythrown me for a loop, I have absolutely no idea who this nefarious baby couldpossibly be” and the woman is like “judging by your cheekbones, I would saythat you’re probably a god, so why don’t you just use your whole divine sciencemojo and get it over and done with?” and then Apollo blinks, briefly denyingthe woman a glimpse of his azure gaze, and he’s like “that is the best idea I’veever heard from a woman, I will do just that”

and so, Apollo taps into his super special psychic abilities,and immediately he’s like “that goddamn little shit, I should’ve known it wouldbe a devious child of Zeus that did this, honestly all of Zeus’ kids are justso terrible and badly behaved, he’s like a walking advertisement for vasectomies” and thewoman is like “but aren’t you a child of Zeus?” and Apollo just pushes her toone side and he’s all “quiet, woman, I have a baby to physically overpower” andthen he’s off to Kyllene to fuck an infant up.

At Kyllene, Hermes is sitting in his crib, being reallyadorable and cherubic and basically the epitome of everything a non-criminalbaby should be, when Apollo bursts in, stark and handsome against the brightlight outside the cave, and he’s like “arrest that baby! I have reason tobelieve he has partaken in a bovine conspiracy” and Maia is like “you are awarethat he is literally three hours old?” and Apollo nods sagely and says “it’s a bitter pill to swallow but theworst kind of criminals start young, now hand that baby over and no-one getshurt, except probably that baby” and then Hermes opens his little rosebud mouthand says “you’ve got the wrong man, Apollo, this is madness” and he smirkswryly and Maia’s mouth just falls open and she whispers “I’m getting Mensa onthe phone right now” but Apollo ignores her and hisses “you won’t get away withthis, Hermes, your one man crime spree is over” and Hermes just snorts and he’slike “dude, I’m a baby, you won’t convince a jury” and Apollo narrows his eyesand says “we’ll see about that, sunshine” and then Hermes just says “no, you’re sunshine” and then Apollo leavesto go and do the mature thing, which is to call their dad.

When Zeus arrives, Apollo is like “you have to do something,my incredibly recent half-brother has stolen all my favourite cows” and Zeussighs and he’s all “can’t your mother fix it?” and Apollo is like “his motherisn’t the same as mine, dad, jeeze, I just said he was my half-brother” andZeus blinks and he’s like “oh yes, of course, you’re my son. Haha, I totallyknew that, son. Let’s go and sort this out, son” and Apollo is like “pleasestop calling me ‘son’, it’s weird” and Zeus is like “I agree, we will neverspeak of this again” and they go into the cave.

Immediately, Hermes just throws his little pudgy hands inthe air and says “whatever Apollo says I did, I didn’t do it” and Zeus narrowshis eyes and says “you’re both more verbose and defensive than the averagebaby, aren’t you?” and Hermes is like “what can I say, I got some traits frommy dad” and then they make finger guns at each other and Apollo just startsbanging his head against the cave wall and says really wearily “my cows, dad”and then Zeus clears his throat and tries to arrange his face into a seriousexpression and says “son, what’s all this about Apollo’s cows?” and Hermes islike “I didn’t steal them from under his nose and sacrifice some of them andturn one of them into a lyre and plectrum” and Apollo just shouts “I can’tbelieve what I’m hearing!” and Hermes scoffs and says “then fix your hearing, Ijust said I didn’t do it” and Zeus is like “you totally did it, didn’t you” andHermes has the grace to look a bit bashful as well as proud and says “yeah, Imay have very slightly done it” and Zeus beams and turns to Apollo and he’slike “are you kidding me? This absolutely fantastic baby of mine managed tosteal your cows and invented an entire musical instrument! This is better thanthe time I stole a human male with the promise of cups” and Apollo justwhimpers and Zeus sighs and he’s like “right, Hermes, let’s stop your brother’sbitching once and for all. Show me where you hid these cows” and Hermes whines “butdaaaaad” and Zeus is like “no buts, I am putting my foot down and temporarilyassuming the role of a father figure” and Apollo is like “you are literally ourfather” and Zeus says “for the next few hours, yes” and before Apollo can makea pithy rebuttal about parental responsibilities, Hermes is leading them toPylos.

As soon as they get to Pylos, Apollo just runs over to hiscows and starts hugging them, murmuring things like “don’t worry, papa’s here,no-one’s going to hurt you now” and Zeus looks at Hermes and says “he’s gettinga bit Pasiphaë over this, isn’t he?” and Hermes is like “yeah, I’m starting toworry that he’s going to try and get revenge on me somehow” and Zeus takes himto one side and says “between you and me, son, I think you should apologise”and Hermes is like “I literally cannot do that, it goes against all my ethicsas a spoilt brat, but I guess I could give him that sweet lyre I made from theflesh of his pets” and Zeus is like “that’s an excellent idea, son, we’ll makea diplomat of you yet”. So, Hermes goes over to Apollo and gives him the lyre,and says “no hard feelings, bro?” and Apollo just blinks and asks “what isthat?” and Hermes is like “well, I tore the skin off your favourite cow andmade it into this really beautiful instrument” and Apollo is about to startscreaming when Hermes just holds up his hands and says “we can get into theethics of that later, but first, here’s Wonderwall” and he starts playing areally haunting melody on this fantastic instrument, and when he’s finished,Apollo just blinks and says “I want it” and Hermes is like “if you promise toput this whole silly thing behind us, then it’s a deal” and Apollo is like “putwhat whole silly thing behind us?” and Hermes is about to clarify when he seesthat Apollo is making a finger gun at him, and Hermes rolls his eyes and makes afinger gun back, and Apollo says “bro” and Hermes says “bro” andthen Zeus is like “sons” and they all just hug it out in the beautiful scenicfields of Pylos.

And then, many months later, Zeus promotes Hermes to therole of his personal herald and messenger, because nothing says ‘employee ofthe month’ quite like juvenile petty theft.

My other retellings can be found here; my dedicated mythology blog is here; and my Mythology Mondays Facebook page is here. The latter two links also allow you to follow my progress in writing a whole actual book. Thrilling.

Do you hear the people sing Lost in the valley of the night? It is the music of a people Who are climbing to the light.

In the group watch of this concert yesterday, the important topics of Enjolras’ indecent costume and the eventual stripping of the rest of Les Amis to copy him were extensively discussed.

However, not being too familiar with either the musical adaptions or 19th century Parisian fashion, I found it hard to keep track of who was taking off their clothes when. So of course, I went through taking screenshots of each character, first at the café, then at the barricade.

Why would I feel the need to document this? Well, that’s for me to know and you to find out.

First, Enjolras. He is inexplicably and indecently dressed right from the beginning. No coat, waistcoat open, cravat tied at the bottom, kinky leather wristbands, “what are shirt buttons for?” Either he is very passionate about the coming revolution, as @spacestationtrustfund suggested, or, as @elliotenjolras offered as an explanation, he was making out with someone pretty intensely just beforehand, and they failed to help him re-dress.

This Combeferre has the fashion sense of a stressed professor anyway, but he imitates (or perhaps is helped by) Enjolras in losing one vest and opening the second, loosening his (adorable) bow-tied cravat and rolling up his (questionable) sleeves for the barricade.

Jean Prouvaire is all-too-happy to shed some clothing for the cause, and looks suitably Romantic doing so.

Feuilly naturally strips to stand in solidarity with Enjolras and his unfortunate inability to wear clothes.

This Courfeyrac is so passionate that he probably tears at his clothes until they look like this. “Revolution is of greater importance, even, than my newest silk cravat, as fashionable as it undeniably is.”

Bossuet just managed to trip several times on the way to the barricade, and that’s why he looks dishevelled.

Joly removes his cravat completely, to go one better than his compatriots. Not at all because he has secretly always suspected that wearing one probably impedes the natural flow of blood to one’s head.

Grantaire is an absolute mess at the café and remains so at the barricade, matching Enjolras throughout.

Marius tries very hard to fit in by taking off his coat and cravat, but his frilly shirt and gold waistcoat makes him look more like a posh bee than a busy revolutionary.

Bonus: As @shellcollector pointed out, Javert easily infiltrates the group by dressing up as one of them. It’s not particularly difficult to do.

And I can promise you that there absolutely positively were people back then who knew slavery was wrong, and voiced their opinion that slavery was evil. Starting with the slaves themselves.

And if the words of the slaves somehow isn’t good enough, then listen to what one of the founding fathers had to say about the evils of slavery: (x)

Saying people didn’t know any better is whitewashing history, and perpetuating a false image of white purity and innocence. Slavers knew exactly what they were doing. All in the name of free labor and profit. The exploitive nature of capitalism hasn’t changed very much. I’ll bet 100 years from now people will argue that Jeff Bezos didn’t know he was risking the lives of his employees in the middle of a pandemic. Because “times were different back then.”

In historical fiction it is important to be accurate and the only way to do so is to research the era. What is highly recommended by many writers is to write your story first. While writing your story, mark the parts that you’re not sure are correct and then do the research after you are done. This is to prevent you from doing unnecessary research that may not be relevant to your work. You want to spend your time wisely! Or you can just research as you go, it’s really whatever works for you since there isn’t a “wrong” way to research.

To begin, the Victorian era of the British history (and that of the British Empire) formally begins in 1837, which was the year Victoria became Queen and ends in 1901 – the year of her death. It was a long period of peace, prosperity, refined sensibilities and national self-confidence for Britain. Some scholars date the beginning of the period in terms of sensibilities and political concerns to the passage of the Reform Act 1832. [1]

Names

1000 Most Popular Victorian Names

Victorian Era Names, A Writer’s Guide

Victorian Darlings - British Baby Names

Society & Life

Victorian Society

The Victorians: Life and Death

The Victorian Working Life

A Woman’s Place in 19th Century Victorian History

Victorian Occupations: Life and Labor in the Victorian Period

Flirting and Courting Rituals of The Victorian Era

Victorian Working Women

Victorian Life

Glimpses of Victorian Life

Victorian Rituals & Traditions

Victorian Etiquette

Etiquette, Manners and Morals

Almanac - Etiquette and Manners Victorian Era

Victorian Britain - Children at Work

Children in the Victorian Age

Collège Sainte-Barbe - Children in the Victorian Age

University of Victoria - Victorian Childhood

Museum of London - What Was Life Like for Children?

Victoria and Albert Museum - Victorian Children (PDF)

University of Strathclyde - Victorian Children

Daily Life in the Victorian Era

How the Mid-Victorians Worked, Ate and Died

How did the Victorians mourn?

The House of Mourning - Victorian Mourning & Funeral Customs in the 1890s

Ideals of Womanhood in Victorian Britain

Etiquette of a Victorian Lady

Going to School in Victorian Times

History of Working Class Mothers in Victorian England

Life of the Victorian Woman

The Working Class and The Poor

Victorian Women’s Work

Needlework, Knitting and Crohet

Victorian Etiquette - Births and Christenings

Victorian Ballroom Dancing Etiquette

Ballroom Manners and Etiquette

How Prudish were the Victorians really?

Gresham College - The Victorians: Gender and Sexuality

Victorian and Albert Museum - Sex & Sexuality in the 19th Century

Why were the Victorians so crazy about public spaces, like parks?

Victorian Homes and Gardens

The Shops and Shopkeepers

Victorian Christmas

The History of British Winters

Top Ten Pet Peeves, or Horse-Related Mistakes to Avoid in your Story

Marriage in the Victorian Era

Victorian Wedding Guide

Husbands and Wives in the Victorian Era

Victorian Technology

History - Victorian Technology

Gresham College - The Victorians: Religion and Science

Household Management and Servants of the Victorian Era

BBC News - Servants: A Life below Stairs

Life as a Servant in Victorian England

What Servants would you find in a Victorian household?

The Servant’s Quarters in 19th Century Houses Like Downton Abbey

Victorian Domestic Servant  Hierarchy and Wages

Australian National University - The Victorian Merchant-Elite and the Chinese Question (PDF)

Project MUSE - The Chinese in Britain, 1800-Present: Economy, Transnationalism, Identity

Untold London - The Chinese In Limehouse 1900 - 1940

JSTOR - The Journal of Negro History: Black Ideals of Womanhood in the Late Victorian Era

H‑Net: Humanities and Social Sciences Online - Black Victorians

Wikipedia - Black British

History Today - Black People in Britain: The Eighteenth Century

University College London - Black Londoners 1800-1900

The Guardian - The Black Victorians: Astonishing Portraits Unseen for 120 Years

BBC News - Short History of Immigration: The 1800s

Commerce

British Money

Wages and Cost of Living in the Victorian Era

Pricing and Money

Victorian Money

Cost of Living in Victorian England

How Much Is That - Calculating Prices Throughout the Years

Entertainment & Food

Victorian Menu - Cooking and Recipes

A Time Traveler’s Guide to Victorian Era Tea Etiquette (PDF)

The Victorian Pantry

Victorian Era Food Recipes

Victorians Food Facts - Cookbook

Food, Recipes and Tea

Victorian Tea Time Recipes - Sandwich and Cheese Straws

Victorian Era Recipes

Victorian Food, Party & Recipes

Victorian Dinner Parties

19th Century Food and Drink

Victorian Cooking: Upperclass Dinner

eHow - Weekly Meals Eaten in the Victorian Era

Victorian Dinner Parties

What did the Victorians have for breakfast?

Victorian Ladies Who Lunch, Or: Luncheon Places and Tea Rooms for Ladies

History Magazine - What Time is Dinner?

What the Poor Ate

The Arts in Victorian Britain

Victorian Art, Literature and Music 

Music, Theater, and Popular Entertainment in Victorian Britain

Victorian Entertainments - We Are Amused

19th Century Hobbies and Daily Activities

Victorian Pastimes and Sports

Victorian Fun and Games & Other Pastimes

19th Century British and Irish Authors

Gresham College - The Victorians: Art and Culture

What is up with the depictions of half naked Victorian era women fencing in artworks?

Hygiene, Health & Medicine

Health and Hygiene in the Nineteenth Century

Victorian Diseases and Medicine

Health & Medicine in the 19th Century

19th Century Diseases

Victorian Health

Five Horrible Diseases You Might Have Caught in Victorian England

Alcohol and Alcoholism in Victorian England

A Look Back at Old-Time Medicines

Victorian London’s Drug Culture

Victorian - Medical Breakthroughs

Victorian Hospitals

Victorian - Baths and Washhouses

Medicine and Health in Victorian Times

The Victorian Revolution in Surgery

Victorian Science and Medicine

Victorian Health and Medicine

Women’s Health

Questions about Victorian Women Menstruation

Victorian View on Menstruation

Reusable Menstrual Products

Childbirth and Birth Control in the 19th Century

British Maternal Mortality in the 19th and early 20th Centuries

The Historical Horror of Childbirth

Contraception: Past, Present and Future Factsheet

History of Contraception in America, 19th Century Artifacts

UCLA School of Public Health - Anesthesia and Queen Victoria

Science Museum - John Snow (1813-58)

Science Museum - Chloroform

University of Liverpool - The Demography of Victorian England and Wales (PDF)

Gresham College - The Victorians: Life and Death

Colton History Society - Village History in Staffordshire, England (Victorian Health)

fuckyeahcharacterdevelopment -  Do you have anything about an asthmatic in the Victorian era?

Science Museum - Nerve Tonics

The Pennington Edition - Victorian Remedies

Fashion

Dressing the Victorian Woman

Victorian Hats

Victorian Jewelry

Victorian Hairstyles & Headdresses

Hair of the Nineteenth Century

How to Dress for Travel in 1852

Victorian Men’s Clothing

How to Dress Like a Victorian Man from the 1860s

How to Dress Victorian

Victorian Era Fashion

Royal Fashion

Victorian Fashion

Boy’s 1860s Fashions

Dressing the Victorian Girl of the 1890s

Victoria’s Real Secret – The Victorians Knew Underwear

How to Undress a Victorian Lady in Your Next Historical Romance

Early Victorian Undergarments; Part 1, luxurious silk hose, colorful stockings, & socks

Early Victorian Undergarments; Part 2, Chemises and camisoles

Early Victorian Undergarments; Part 3, Pantalettes, pantalets, drawers, and bloomers

Victorian Ladies Shoes & Boots

Victorian Swimwear

Victorian Men and Woman Swim Wear

Dialogue

Victorian Language

The Language of Flowers

Victorian London - Words and Expressions

A Dictionary of Victorian Slang (1909)

Victorian Slang

19th Century Swears

Victorian Slang - Lower Class and Underworld

Cliches and Saying of the Victorian Era

The Dictionary of Victorian London

Justice & Crimes

How Safe Was Victorian London?

Crime and the Victorian Household

Danger inside the Train: Crime on Victorian Railways

Railway Mania

How Widespread Were Concerns About Prostitution?

Fallen Women

The Great Social Evil: Victorian Prostitution

University of Massachusetts at Boston - The Great Social Evil: Victorian Prostitution

BBC History - Child Prostitutes: How the age of consent was raised to 16

University of Minnesota - Victorian Era: There are Two Kinds of Women…

University of London - The Real Rippers Street: Pathology, Policing, and Prostitution in Victorian London

University of Brighton - The Fetishization and Objectification of the Female Body in Victorian Culture

University of Missouri–Kansas City School of Law - Homosexuality and the Law in England

Sexual Violence in Nineteenth Century England

Victorian Poisoners

Crime and the Victorians

Victorian Crime

Victorian Crime & Punishment

Victorian Women Criminals’ Records Show Harsh Justice of 19th Century

Sentences and Punishments

Types of Punishments - Hanging

Types of Punishments - Imprisonment

Victorian Children in Trouble with the Law

Child Prisoners in Victorian Times

Victorian Crime

Victorian-era Serial Killers

The Development of a Police Force

The Metropolitan Police

A Work-Life History of Policemen in Victorian and Edwardian England (PDF)

How The Victorians Cracked Crime

Tracking a 19th-Century Serial Killer

THE SECRET HISTORY // SENTENCE MEME.

A collection of sentence starters from the book The Secret History. Contains triggering content such as mentions of drugs and suicide. Please read with caution ! Feel free to change pronouns as you see fit.

I just realized that the reason ghosts say Boo! is because it’s a latin verb

they’re literally saying ‘I alarm/I am alarming/I do alarm!!