KitKat Habitat

As a chronically-ill person, there’s often the seemingly-constant irritation of ‘normal’ bloodwork results, to the point where you kind of wish (to a point) for the results to show something- anything- to explain what you’re experiencing, and that’s if you can get the bloodwork orders in the first place.

I managed to finagle bloodwork orders from my PCP- I asked for B6, B9, and B12, as well as homocysteine, in-part because I’m supposed to be starting a new ADHD med and while it’s non-stimulant, it still has the potential to cause cardiac issues, and I’ve been noticing more palpitations than I’m accustomed to. PCP humored me and placed the orders, along with magnesium (since that can affect heart rhythm as well), though she made a point of saying that based on certain factors (you know, being fat, female, and over 40), it might just be that this is how I’m going to feel now. I said I knew that, but it was mostly just to make sure.

Well.

Magnesium came back right smack in the middle of normal range, which is in line with previous results.

The other stuff, tho-

I’m still waiting on B6, but B9 is flagged as low, and B12 is low-enough that when I told my medication manager what it was, she briefly paused, then asked if I’d ever had B12 injections before. The homocysteine was also elevated, which is likely a result of the low b-vitamins, but can also lead to increased cardiac risk.

Sort of general for the last year or so, but more intensely today specifically.

I've been trying for over a year now to find a way to learn Korean that will be effective for me. I tried The Owl ™, and while it worked for some things, their major 'update' a few months ago made it next to useless to use. I've tried using LingoLegend, which when I use it is a little helpful. There are still letters I have trouble remembering, and I know some of them sound different depending on where in a word they appear, but I couldn't tell you which ones and what they sound like in either case.

I've toyed with the idea of actually taking a class, and I keep running up against anxiety about it. I'd thought it was about the idea of being in a class of people, but one of my partners sent me a link today to a relatively-local option that offers one-on-one tutoring in languages. While it would be a bit of a trek each time, it's not super duper far away. So other than possible distance, and actual cost, I've been trying to figure out why I'm still feeling hesitation about it.

I can remember being younger, and at the start of the school year being excited at the prospect of learning. It always felt like there was so much possibility- knowledge in potentia. Somewhere along the way, that changed- from excitement at the prospect of learning, to nerves, and worry about failure. I'm not sure when it happened, though I have a feeling it was somewhere around grad school. Up until that point, while I'd had some issues in various classes prior, there were many more classes where I found myself struggling.

I know a lot of it is that I had ADHD, and didn't know.

I didn't know that I should have been medicated. I didn't know that I should have gone to writing center for help. I thought it was just that I was lazy, or just bad at what I was trying to do. I was so convinced that I should have been able to do the work on my own without help that it didn't occur to me to ask for it anyway, despite the fact that in the few instances where I taught, I would tell my students that if they were having trouble for whatever reason, they could go and get help.

Because of course for myself, the standards are different, right?

So, I've been trying to figure out where the specific hesitation is coming from. If someone gave me the time and money necessary to take the class, removing those as issues, what would actually be stopping me from doing it?

And I think I've narrowed it down.

The excitement at the prospect of learning has been replaced by the expectation of difficulty. I'm expecting to have trouble. I'm expecting to not be able to do it. I've never gone to school in any capacity while being actively treated for ADHD, so all I have for reference is the experiences I've had before- frustration, difficulty focusing, not knowing how to study, procrastination, etc.; I haven't known anything else, so it's what my brain is expecting to happen.

That paired with a deeply-ingrained anxiety response to failure (because when growing up if you identified strongly as 'one of the smart kids', then who are you without being 'smart'), means that it's difficult to find a willingness to invest in something I'm not guaranteed success at. Which on the surface sounds…not shallow, but definitely not great, but when you look at it as- 'It's difficult to invest the energy/resources in something that may not give the necessary dopamine, which my brain requires to hold interest/stay engaged', then it makes a bit more sense (at least I think).