Look I love unconditional devotion love stories as much as the next person, but there's really something so deliciously raw about conditional devotion.
I have served you and I have loved you for decades, but I will not give up my principles for you. You cut out part of my heart and took it with you down that path that you insist on walking, but you walk it alone. Even when the bleeding, gaping hole you left in my chest kills me, I will not follow you.
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thinking all the time about a dnd campaign i played years and years ago. i wanted to play dnd for the first time but had no one to play with so i got on some reddit for people putting campaigns together and there was a DM who specifically wanted to do a campaign for exclusively first-time players bc they thought it would be exciting to introduce us all to the game. it was actually a super rigorous process to make the cut bc the DM wanted a group of adults with consistent availability who would commit to making the game a weekly priority (fair) so i filled out like an application and then met with the dm on-call to talk about potential characters and hash everything out. it ended up being an outrageously fun game and i learned as we went that most of the world, classes, etc. were homebrew and i was like the lore this DM has created is cuckoo bananas tbh like it's so deeply involved. anyway in the end the DM told us they're actually a best-selling published author and they'd always wanted to create a storyworld for an rpg. they wouldn't tell us their name and tbh they were right to tell us at the end bc if they'd told us at the beginning i'd have suspected they were full of it and lying to sound cool but after playing their game i do believe them. anyway afterward they didn't keep contact with any of us. they were like "here's a beautiful world and story thanks for coming now i'll disappear forever." who were you...............................
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I've tried 27 new recipes this year, here's the next batch of the ones I loved and will cook again:
Baked summer squash with cream and parmesan bread crumbs, Dining In by Alison Roman - I think the absolute ease of this recipe offsets the pain of turning your oven on during the summer. So yummy and decadent, I just eat this as a main for dinner bc I live alone and I can. Gonna be making this all zucchini season
Stilton & Walnut Crackers, Barefoot Contessa - Absolutely addictive, no one in my family fucks heavily with blue cheese except for me and my mom and yet I still know for a fact I am going to be busting this recipe out as a Thanksgiving snack. I love making my own crackers
Chocolate chip brioche, Red Currant Bakery - I found the dough hook attachment to my stand mixer so I'm about to go crazy on enriched doughs. This one couldn't have been simpler and was great to gift to my sisters. If I wasn't baking for a crowd/gifts, I would halve the recipe or use a different one. (Also one sister traveled with hers by plane and it held up)
Cabbage & miso butter noodles, Zoe B. Soderstrom (from her Cooking in Season series) - An absolute 10/10 for me. So easy, an elevated buttered noodle girl dinner, + cabbage is a total nutrient bonanza. I added tinned salmon to my leftovers, and I could easily see tearing up some rotisserie chicken if you needed to bulk this up
Torn Plum Browned-Butter Cake, Nothing Fancy by Alison Roman - got great reviews from my friends, I do think the marzipan-esque dough brings something pretty unique to the table and would love to try this with other stone fruits this summer.
Honorable mention: I haven't yet personally cooked the Smashed Sweet Potatoes with Maple and Sour Cream from Nothing Fancy by Alison Roman, but it was probably the bite of the night from our cookbook club (in a night of no misses) and didn't seem too complex to do at all. Bookmarking it for this fall
really really really detest it when (usually older millennial and genX) cis women say shit like "welcome to being a woman!" or "that's how you know trans women are women!" and so on in response to hearing about instances of catcalling, sexual assault, workplace chauvinism etc. directed at trans women. in the first place it's blisteringly patronising, as if transfems are not and have not been constantly subject to misogyny throughout their lives both pre and post transition, but in the second it perpetuates this vile mindset that somehow receiving misogynistic abuse is validating of your womanhood. it's a head on the very same hydra that makes girls shamefully privately feel that they must ugly and undesirable if they're not catcalled or objectified or 'chosen' by sexual assaulters.
your identity, your dignity and your worth as a woman have absolutely nothing to do with how or why abusive people lash out at you. the insidious narrative that survivors should feel special on some level for having been worthy of their abuse is battered wife rhetoric. it's the perpetrator-system of violence grooming you to accept, and even shamefully yearn for, violence it always intended to inflict. and women are so often complicit in repeating the narrative back to each other. sometimes it's very well meaning and springs up out of the solidarity of shared experience, trying to reclaim power from situations where power was wielded against you, but sometimes it's lana del rey sadgirl coquette I need a man who'll slap me around so I know he cares. sometimes it's eating disorders and self harm. the twinning of femininity and female worthiness with suffering, associating the scars of misogynistic violence with acceptance of one's femininity by somebody who hates you, is profoundly unhealthy and profoundly unfair.
bottom line: trans women have never needed to be identifiable by their abusers at a glance to be subject to misogynistic violence. they have never even needed to be out. remember the early days of the internet when online culture was so outspokenly misogynistic as a baseline that most women just never disclosed their gender, never went on mic, never posted pictures? would anyone ever seriously argue that women weren't subject to misogynistic abuse online until they broke anonymity? and that being the case, would it ever ever seem appropriate to hear someone had been doxxed or sexually harassed for disclosing her gender and respond "heh, proves you really are a woman"?
womanhood is not contingent on suffering. womanhood is not contingent on suffering. womanhood is not contingent on suffering. the cart does not define the horse.
this is for you melinda 😔 ✊i hope you like it 🥺🎵they ought to teach 🧑🏫 this in school 🧐its not ❌ always cool 🥶 to be cool 😎what⁉️ (what❓)they 🫵 try to play 🎲 you for a fool 🥴like 💭 you see a girl whos unique 😲 its a treat 😃 cause shes sweet 🙂and she always seems to knock 💥 you off your feet ☺️you wanna say hey 👋 but you dont 🙁 (you dont 🙍♂️)your mom says tell her how you feel 🤒 but you wont 🙅♂️cause youre just too cool 🧊 to tell her truly ✅that your feelings are gettin unruly 💢 dont try and school me 🚫so she passes you by 🚶♀️ in the hall wayyoure staring at the wall 👁️👁️ tryina play 🤾♂️ while i sayyeah youre cool 😏 (what❓ 😨)really cool 🥶 just like ice ❄️ (ice❗)but you did nt real ize you never 😔 get this chance twice 2️⃣so youre busy playing cool now shes gone 😢 (shes gone 😩)gone unto a nother 🧍♂️ while i sing my funky song 🎶 i never passed up the chance 🤬i know this story 📖 seems long 😴 but when i know 🤔 the time 🕰️ is right for me 🤙 and you 🫵 i justflame on 🔥 flame on 🎆and on 👆 and on 👆 and on 👆 (flame on 🔥 flame on💥) (yeah 👊)flame on 😱 and on 😤 and on 🥵 and on 🥵 and on 🥵flame on 🔥 (i just flame on 😔 👊)🎵keep calm 🧘♂️ everyone 🫡don't panic 🗯️FLAME ON 👿w… ww whats happenin 😨we're sinking‼️ 👇into the center 🔥 of the earth 🌎
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absolutely looosssinggg it. i'm so obsessed with movies which portray the woman MC in a highly specific job because the writers clearly think it's like "off-beat" and "quirky" but have no idea how the field works whatsoever.
i decided to try a romcom i somehow missed i the 2000s 'head over heels' and i got 3 and a half minutes in and we're introduced to the lonely MC with bad taste in men as evidenced by her extremely short list of ex boyfriends, including her first boyfriend when she was 11 or something because i guess that's still relevant in her adult life.
so she's resigned herself to never finding love and prefers to ignore men to focus all her energy into her career.
this job is immediately presented as though it's for spinsters with no hope of ever finding a man.
the mc's lesbian bestie (whose first line involves her being scolded for being too sexual in the workplace, but moving on) points out their colleagues as evidence that they're doomed to a romance-less, sexless life if they don't switch up their shared career path. the colleagues are three old women, so-dubbed "the menopause triplets":
these women are presented as if they have no idea what's going on at any given moment. this is 2001, and presumably this is an entry level job requiring low effort and no experience.
then their boss bursts into the room, unceremoniously bumping a large painting into the door jam and walls, announcing that it's a new project for our MC.
our MC is thrilled to see the painting. apparently it's a light in the daily slog at her dreary job for loser women with nothing going on in their lives.
And that job is? Conservator of paintings (specializing in Renaissance) at the New York City Metropolitan Museum of Art.
The painting being handled like an old couch on its way to the curb?
The Bacchanal of the Andrians by Titian.
Her lesbian colleague who is presumably also a a highly trained & skilled curator finds it depressing that the MC is so excited about the painting.
it's a quirk unique to this MC that she cares so much about paintings, in her department at the metropolitan museum of art, where her colleagues find all that art business rather dreary. because we all know that's what conservators in extremely competitive museum positions are like.
I'm not saying there can't be lifelong love in here somewhere but I also just feel like the monogamous heterosexual marriage you're fantasizing about isn't necessarily best represented by the bacchanal. and that's okay. but i do stand by that.
I've been meaning to make a post talking about my stroke because y'all got bits and pieces of the recovery but I never actually told the story of HOW it went down and the thing is the type of stroke I had is usually the type young people have and since having mine i've now heard multiple stories of people under 40 having very similar strokes and the scary thing is, is that they didn't get help right away. Because you're young and healthy and sure you feel weird but it'll pass right? but it doesn't, and it gets worse, and by the time you get to the hospital (some people literally take days to go) the deficits are worse and recovery is harder.
so here's a super long post about strokes in general, and mine in particular/what I went through.
So for strokes the signs are abbreviated BE FAST. Balance loss, Eyesight changes, Face drooping, Arm weakness, Speech difficulty, -> Time to call 911.
Had I known those MAYBE I would have figured it out but my symptoms were a little mixed. I was reading (fanfic!) in bed because it was a sunday morning and i had nothing pressing to do and suddenly got dizzy. I put my laptop aside because my eyes were blurring (Eyesight changes - symptom #1), and laid down, thinking it would pass, it didn't, it's a little vague how it progressed because I'd been having headaches and neckpain for about 3 weeks leading up to it so I was like 'idk is this a migraine?' (headaches can be a stroke symptom so symptom #2) but i got nauseous and eventually got up and to my utmost surprise I immediately fell over as if I was the drunkest of frat bros. The room literally spun before my eyes as I fell to the floor (Balance loss - symptom #3). I have had some Nights and I had never been that unsteady before. I crawled my way to the bathroom, threw up (nausea - not a common stroke symptom) , took 800mg of ibuprofen, and crawled back to bed.
if you know anything about ibuprofen you might know it's a mild blood thinner and that's a high dose. I may have inadvertently helped myself with that one. I was just feeling like shit and thinking 'idk this might help'
At this point I still thought we were still in Normal Land. Sure, it was a weird morning, but Surely There Was A Reason. (Yes There Was) Anyway, as I'm lying there willing my body to stop suffering I realize my arm is going numb (stroke symptom #4) and I switch positions, because weird, but it doesn't go away, and I gave it a good little while. I'm on a medication that can make my limbs tingle but it usually just does it to my fingers and it dissipates quickly but this wasn't dissipating, and then I realized one of my legs was also going numb. Then one side of my face is going numb.
(at the time I did not look in the mirror but I had a drooping eyelid - symptom #5)
Those all seem bad. I grab my computer and google 'when to go to the hospital for dizzyness' as that felt like the worst of my problems. and indeed the list I found highlighted that if you are also experiencing loss of balance, blurred vision, nausea, and limb numbness, you should see a doctor. That seems like far too many symptoms to be having all to be listed. I grab my phone (thankfully plugged in and by my bed), and start layering on more clothing because it's about 10 degrees out and i'm in a pajama dress. The very nice man at 911 talks with me and sends an ambulance, I tell him I don't think I can get out the front door of my building on my own and he asks if I can get to MY apartment door to which I say yes and he assures me that's fine they will have keys to my building.
(I have been since informed they love to chop down doors but no, I could get that far)
I wait by my door laying down on the ground and they arrive pretty quickly. They see to me in the hallway, which is more of a lobby in my building and the only place with room for me to lie down (I cannot stand unassisted at this point) they ask me a bunch of questions, take vitals, and ask me where I would like to be taken. Me, having never had to go to the fucking hospital in an emergency before, simply go 'wherever is close' because I again, I am having a stroke and do not have the wherewithal to think through these things.
A big firefighter helps me down the stairs (it's only a half flight and I still almost did not make it) and we get underway.
At the hospital they wheel me into triage and I mostly lie there gratefully and answer some questions and respond to some tests (grip strength, following a pen with my eyes, that sort of thing) and then I hear what is great when you've been at urgent care for two hours but what is Very Bad when you just arrived in an ambulance and that's 'She's next'. I jumped the line for a CT scan and an MRI. I was there less than ten minutes before I was actively being scanned. honestly closer to five.
my active symptoms seem to have been worse than some of the stories I've heard, not being able to walk AT ALL in particular, although some other are pretty equal (Footless Jo on youtube had a stroke around the same time I did of the same type and has discussed hers, she delayed going in despite the severity for a variety of reasons and it sounds like her recovery has been difficult) My recovery was pretty easy because i was actively being cared for and on blood thinners right away. I was pretty out of it in the beginning, but I was only in the hospital for 6 days and then in a rehab for another 4 to relearn how to walk and balance, then i was released unto the world and just spent time going to physical therapy and recovering for awhile. I was out of work for about 8 weeks total. I basically had the best outcome for a stroke. I recovered almost fully back to 100% (I'm about 2% less sure footed than I used to be, but it's rarely noticeable), my face still feels a little weird but has markedly improved so I live in hope it will eventually get back to normal. It massively sucked. But strokes can fuck you up for life and I came out a weird medical story to tell and have to take some extra medication now/precautions to take (i cannot do certain types of yoga, no weightlifting, no push ups, no going on rollercoasters.... things that could strain my neck essentially) but overall I escaped very lucky.
in my last botany lab the professor had a prepared slide of diatoms set up for us to look at and i was not prepared for how delightful the slide looked
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