Unmitigated Disaster @lyrslair - Tumblr Blog

fffffff and J just came in to reassure me it's not that he doesn't care or is mad at me he's just at the end of his rope from all the bullshit he's already been dealing with so we're literally that fucking. building falling down being barely held up by broken pillars meme right now. so there's not much comfort he's able to offer on account of being wound too fucking tight his own self.

we need a wider support system again. 😭 fuck's sake. we both need someone who is not actively falling apart (lol in this economy?) that we can go to so we're not like ONLY leaning on each other all the damn time.

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lol I'm so tired of myself.

so many people have health issues much worse than mine and I am just. panicking over all this shit.

at worst this is one more surgery. most likely it's a "here's some ointment to manage it" and recheck it periodically and just. try to get used to the annoying damn whistling.

but it's one more thing. when I am already annoyed and tired about having to deal with blood pressure meds (which is already stupid to be stressed about because almost everyone gets high blood pressure eventually like. this is. normal ageing shit)

when I was hoping the next surgery I could think about it maybe top surgery. and hoping it would be the last one I ever need.

when I already know spinal surgery is a possibility looming over me.

and like. I keep rolling over in my head trying to figure out if I did something wrong to cause this latest shit. but chances are it just sort of. was a result of repeat infections and allergy issues. and then I get angry because well what the fuck I did everything right and I still got yet another stupid health thing to look after.

which. like. that's literally all of them. and I know it's not like. a matter of doing things right and getting out of health problem free. I've known that for a long time. but every time I pick up a new one it's just...

it feels fucking unfair. I want to have time in my life for things that aren't just "do chores" and "manage my health bullshit" and it's fucking unfair.

and it's coming at a time when I am already struggling to see the fucking point of it all.

straw.

camel.

#sorry it's a lot of depression posting today I guess

oh goddammit that means my fucking anxiety meds probably came back up too :(

pissed off now because I realized I threw up my fucking zofran and that shit's limited.

#I still do not understand why insurance refuses to let my pharmacy fill more than like 8 at a time

god that fuzzy little menace really was my self-appointed emotional support animal, wasn't he?

the number of times I've thrown up due to anxiety since he died has been. ridiculous.

I did that a lot less while he was alive and I think the little shit was just so in tune with me he just. inserted himself as a distraction before I could escalate to that point much of the time. and then if I did get to that point anyway he would sit vigil while I was bent over the damn toilet and just kinda hang around to make sure I was okay.

#it's so stupid too because apparently the septum perforation is WELL within what they consider “small”#and apparently at that size sometimes they just kinda... leave it alone/tell you to keep it moisturized with ointment #unless you start having complications or it starts getting bigger #and there's a very good chance it's actually been there for a while and I just didn't realize it had punched all the way through >.<#I have managed to calm down the whistling by putting some fuckin neosporin on there #but I should probably get the actual correct ointment from the ENT so I get to call them on Monday

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I am so tired of more shit going wrong.

I'm tired.

I want off this ride.

herpsandbirds

Pandora Sphinx Moth (Eumorpha pandorus), family Sphingidae, OH, USA

photograph by Diane Platco Brooks

fuck my life I've developed a fucking hole in my septum.

#ent ages ago warned me that might happen with chronic rhinitis x.x #but now the sound of my own breathing is annoying the shit out of me lol #also this means I might need surgery to repair it #this stupid hole has been like 15 years in the making but dammit I thought it was healing x.x;#it wasn't all the way through the cartilage last I knew but I was warned it was a possibility back then #and now it's just. yeah idk how long it's been all the way through I suspect longer than I've realized #no but seriously if anybody has anything that might help me stop panicking about this I'd appreciate it

herpsandbirds

Bornean Crested Fireback (Lophura ignita), male, family Phasianidae, order Galliformes, Sabah, Borneo

photograph by Therese Ong

junewild

i think the scientology speedrunners should start visiting the hospital mitch mcconnell is supposed to be in. i think it would be enriching for them

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theriverbeyond

i think "turning into a pumpkin" is my new favorite way to articulate the state of things when I am at a function and very overstimulated and it feels like my brain is melting. it's like no i can't be a person anymore i have to leave i'm turning into the pumpkin. the time is up yeah i gotta go. yeah see u later. pumpkin time.

herpsandbirds

Blue-crowned Ifrit (Ifrita kowaldi), male, family Ifritidae, order Passeriformes, Papua New Guinea

POISONOUS.

This bird has batrachotoxin in its skin and feathers. (Most likely obtained from consuming Choresine beetles.)

photographs by Jun Matsui

english-history-trip

The long-lost remains of King Alfred the Great have been found buried under a car park, investigators claim.

Alfred died in 899, and his bones were repeatedly moved. He was buried in Winchester Cathedral until 1110, when his remains were moved to Winchester's Hyde Abbey, where they were interred before the high altar between the bodies of his wife and son. The abbey was demolished after the dissolution of the monasteries in 1539, and the place was left in ruins. In 1866, during construction of a workhouse on the site, the English antiquarian John Mellor excavated the area, found what he thought were Alfred's bones and had them reburied at nearby St. Bartholemew’s Church. But in 2013, when archaeologists exhumed and carbon-dated the bones from St. Bartholomew’s churchyard, they proved to date from over 200 years after Alfred’s death - sparking Graham's interest and search. He said: "Whoever’s bones they were, they weren’t Alfred’s. So, I decided to discover what happened to them. "The quest has taken me 13 years.”

lostinhistory

shut up they did not find another goddamn king under another goddamn car park

It's still so fucking unfair.

I've watched other people's pets fight this same battle and WIN.

I knew it was possible.

He beat it TWICE. We thought for sure. We thought. We thought. It was supposed to finish leaving and STAY GONE.

Fuck lymphoma.

I'm still so angry.

I still hurt.

I still can't clean up his things.

I haven't even fucking swept up his fur from the bathroom where it sort of just... drifted all into one corner behind the door. I know I need to. But it feels... fucked up... knowing that this time when I sweep it up it's going to stay gone. There's not going to be new fur in its place within a week.

I've vacuumed the rest of the floor a couple times since then. Still missed spots. Still finding bits of his fur everywhere.

As if he's still here.

mosslingg

My liege im sorry to break it to you but your advisor that's actually evil and wants you dead turned out to be straight. I know you really wanted to have an enemies to lovers situation with him. Yeah I'm afraid the poisoning didn't hold any romantic intent behind it. The king of the enemy kingdom is bisexual though, I could send him a letter? Yes, I'll make sure to include multiple threats of homoerotic nature. You will have your toxic yaoi, my liege

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pangur-and-grim

listen. when you slip on a banana peel and impale yourself on the sharpened banana stem, I hope your last words are “Greer was right.”

pangur-and-grim

dreamlogic

asked one of my coworkers how she's doing today and she goes "could be better, could be worse," and another coworker nearby who was eavesdropping chimes in with "could be a lil bit o' alligator curse!" i have no idea what he meant by that but i do know that it has been immediately added to the lexicon.

#and now I've got the Miss Suzy song from my childhood stuck in my head #except that one was alligator purse not curse

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