I Am Jack's Awkward Ghey Experience

Vs.

The turtle:

Dracula: it's basically a novel of kitchen-table polyamory already, but this way someone might actually kiss Jack Seward.

A Midsummer Night's Dream: just let them all have an orgy at the end. I feel like they'd be into it. Puck's invited too if he wants.

Bridget Jones' Diary: why force a choice between Mark and Daniel if there was the option to have both?

Any Arthuriana: less cheating, more honesty, fewer duels, more snogging, everyone's a winner.

Stories that would be made worse by polyamory:

here’s a couple of excellent things I’ve read since I started keeping a list just last month:

- “I hate drawing lightsabers”

- “Idk what to put here”

- “stupid fucking sign”

- “eat paste, it’s good”

- an entire news article on a phone screen which I actually found really impressive

- a few funny misspellings but the best one so far was ahsoka somehow becoming “asock”

- wanted poster of obi wan that read “wanted for fashion crimes”. the caption translated it as “wanted for high treason”. like blatantly lying to my face. love it.

- door on a ship was labeled “cake storage”

- “shopping list: frogs, hair gel, lightsaber polish”

and my personal favorite:

I made a little wooly bear caterpillar. I was inspired by The Closet Historian's moth brooch video to learn turkey stitch, and I tried brushing it with a wire brush, which really fluffed it up a lot more. I had to trim it a little bit more after the brushing.

All the materials were from my stash, and I didn't time it but it took quite a few hours. I wish I'd used a thinner fabric because this felted coat wool was a bit tough to sew through, and didn't want to bend into a rounded caterpillar shape.

From the story:

We repeatedly emphasized that we were aboard a small 8-meter sailboat, but the response was the same each time: "We are a 50-meter three-masted sailboat, and we offer our assistance in towing you to Paimpol." We were perplexed by the size difference between our two boats, as we feared being towed by a boat that was too large and at too fast a speed that could damage our boat. The arrival of the Götheborg on the scene was rapid and surprising, as we did not expect to see a merchant ship from the East India Company of the XVIII century. This moment was very strange, and we wondered if we were dreaming. Where were we? What time period was it? The Götheborg approached very close to us to throw the line and pass a large rope. The mooring went well, and our destinies were linked for very long hours, during which we shared the same radio frequency to communicate with each other. The crew of the Götheborg showed great professionalism and kindness towards us. They adapted their speed to the size of our boat and the weather conditions. We felt accompanied by very professional sailors. Every hour, the officer on duty of the Götheborg called us to ensure everything was going well.[...] This adventure, very real, was an incredible experience for us. We were extremely lucky to cross paths with the Götheborg by chance and especially to meet such a caring crew. Dear commander and crew of the Götheborg, your kindness, and generosity have shown that your ship is much more than just a boat. It embodies the noblest values of the sea, and we are honored to have had the chance to cross your path and benefit from your help.

I don't remember where I got the inspiration for this. Might've been from a movie or someone just saying, "Make a Gold Beetle!" But here it is! For all your DnD magic item needs!

The Golden BeetleWondrous Item, very rare

“A realistically carved beetle the size of a human fist that is made of stone. There are cracks within the stone that show small veins of gold below it. Under the right circumstances the stone breaks away revealing a brilliant, golden carapace.”

At the start of each day roll a d20 and on a roll of a 1-15 this magical item is a beetle carved of stone roughly the size of a human hand. When activated using the command word it can serve as a familiar.

The beetle acts independently of you, but it always obeys your commands. In combat, it rolls its own initiative and acts on its own turn. A familiar can't attack, but it can take other actions as normal.

The beetle has an AC of 10, 20 hit points and is resistant to all damage. When it is reduced to 0 hit points it drops to the ground and must be retrieved. It returns to normal after completing a long rest.

While the beetle is within 100 feet of you, you can communicate with it telepathically. Additionally, as an action, you can see through its eyes and hear what it hears until the start of your next turn. During this time, you are deaf and blind with regard to your own senses.

On a roll of 16-20 the beetle sheds away the stone skin revealing a glittering carapace of gold. The golden form of this magical item gives additional benefits as well as serving as a familiar.

While in its golden beetle form, if you or an ally you can see within 30 feet roll less than 11 on the dice for a skill check, you can add a +10 bonus to the result. You can do this a number of times equal to your proficiency bonus. You regain expended uses whenever the beetle takes on its golden form.

When a creature you can see within 60 feet is hit with a critical hit you can use a reaction to instead cause the attack to be a miss. Doing so causes the golden beetle to revert to its regular form.

Brain is primordial sludge & you are drowning in it

U are a ghost and nothing is real

Mental equivalent of attempting to stream some high-res video game when all you have is dial-up

The thing you want to articulate is *right there* but you're just scrabbling at it like a cat continually failing to catch the bird on the other side of the window